QUADRANT COUNSELING: MOIRAILSHIP EDITION
HELLO, SHITSTAINS. IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER ROUND OF 'HOW THE FUCK DO I ROMANCE? WE JUST DON'T KNOW,' WITH YOUR LIFE-TROUBLES LOAD GAPER KARKAT VANTAS.
I SCOURED MY INBOX TODAY BECAUSE I REALIZED THAT DOING THIS THING WITHOUT A SCHEDULE WOULD BE ONLY MILDLY LESS PAINFUL THAN PEELING MY SCALP OFF MY HEAD, POURING A COLONY OF FIRE ANTS DIRECTLY ONTO MY THINKPAN, AND SLOWLY FILING MY HORNS OFF TO PROVIDE THEM WITH A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF KERATIN BITS.
IT IS COMPLETELY UNSURPRISING TO REALIZE THAT MOST OF YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW MOIRAILSHIP WORKS, SO IN MY INFINITE WRATH AS YOUR UNFORGIVING GOD I AM GOING TO SMACK THIS SHIT DOWN WHERE EVERYONE CAN SEE IT AND YOU CAN TAKE A MOMENT TO FONDLE YOUR SHAME GLOBES AND COMPREHEND WHAT IDIOTIC HOOFBEASTSHIT THIS IS.
INCIDENTALLY, THE ONLY ONE OF YOU TO ASK A QUESTION WORTH ANSWERING ABOUT MOIRAILSHIP WAS ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA:
hey kar i think im doin pretty good right noww but i just wwant to say it wwas good seein you passin on through an also ill just throww somethin in here to make it a question but can you list out howw exactly to be a good moirail so i dont fuck things up anymore
... IT WAS GOOD SEEING YOU TOO, I GUESS. IT'S NOT THE SAME SINCE YOU BLASTED MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND IN THE FACE WITH SCIENCE, HOPESPLODED THE MATRIORB, AND KILLED FEFERI AND SORT OF KILLED KANAYA, BUT THAT WASN'T EVEN TECHNICALLY YOU. SO WE'RE COOL.
SINCE A BUNCH OF HUMANS HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM, THOUGH, HERE'S HOW TO BE A GOOD MOIRAIL, OR AT LEAST HOW TO NOT FUCK IT UP.
Dear Karkat, My moirail has a problem and I can't shooshpap her right now properly because of reasons. Anyway, so she has the WORST POSSIBLE choices for her flushed quadrant. [...] I just want her to fill her flushed quadrant and live with it "peacefully," but it seems she wants the opposite, and I can't do anything to help. What do I do?
I'VE ADDRESSED THIS BEFORE, BUT SINCE PRESUMABLY MOST OF YOU CANNOT FIND YOUR GLUTES WITHOUT THE HELP OF A COMPASS AND AN ASS-DETECTOR, I'M ASSUMING YOU ALSO CAN'T FIND THE 'OLDER POSTS' BUTTON TO GO BACK THROUGH MY BLOG.
MOIRAILSHIP IS NOT A GATEWAY TO MATESPRITSHIP!
BUT KARKAT, YOU WHINE, MOIRAILS ARE LIKE BEST FRIENDS IN HUMAN TERMS! AND FRIENDS MAKE GOOD MATESPRITS, RIGHT? YEAH SURE WHATEVER. HUMANS ARE WEIRD AND YOUR ONE QUADRANT CRAP HAS GIVEN ME SUCH HEADACHES THAT I'VE WORN A BALD SPOT BEHIND MY LEFT HORN FROM RUBBING IT.
THE POINT IS, IF YOU START OUT FLUSHED FOR SOMEBODY YOU DON'T BECOME THEIR MOIRAIL AS A CONSOLATION PRIZE TO YOURSELF. I WOULD MAKE YOU AN ITEMIZED LIST EXPLAINING WHY, BUT YOU WOULDN'T BOTHER TO READ IT SO HERE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT REASON: THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY YOU'LL BE ABLE TO HELP THEM OUT WITH THEIR CONCUPISCENT PROBLEMS. YOU'RE GOING TO FUCK IT UP BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT, YOU'RE GOING TO BE STUPID WITH JEALOUSY! WAY TO GO. NOW YOU'RE A SHITTY BEST FRIEND AND YOU'RE STILL NOT IN THEIR FLUSHED QUADRANT. GOOD JOB.
ANONYMOUS, YOUR OPINIONS ON HER MATESPRIT CHOICES ARE INVALID BECAUSE YOU WISH IT WAS *YOU*. SO CONFESS OR KEEP YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE ZIPPED.
Dear Karkat, recently my moirail decided they would rather be my matesprit. I'd had thoughts before, so I agreed. Now though, I can't help but feel like I preferred our relationship the way it was. I thought I could adjust, I mean I really do like them a lot. But now I'm not so sure. Should I tell them? I don't want to break their heart and risk ruining what we had, but I don't know if I can keep this arrangement. And I'd prefer they don't turn into a genocidal maniac, either...
SEE, HUMANS DON'T HAVE QUADRANTS BUT IT JUST MAKES THINGS EVEN MORE PANTS-SHITTINGLY DUMB BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THESE DIFFERENT TYPES OF 'LOVE' - WHICH IS WHAT YOU CALL PITY, I GUESS??? - AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEFINE THEM AND THEN YOU GET FUCKUPS LIKE THIS.
THE PALE AND FLUSHED QUADRANTS ARE PRETTY CLOSELY RELATED, BUT THEY'RE NOT THE SAME. MOIRAILSHIP ISN'T JUST ABOUT SHOOSHPAPS AND FEELINGS AND SITTING IN PILES SNUGGLING, ALTHOUGH I GUESS THAT PART IS PRETTY OKAY TOO. THE PALE QUADRANT IS FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HELP EACH OTHER MAKE GOOD DECISIONS ABOUT THEIR OTHER QUADRANTS AND THEIR LIVES, WHEREAS THE FLUSHED QUADRANT IS ABOUT SLOPPY MAKEOUTS AND JEALOUSY AND MAKING EACH OTHER FEEL BETTER ABOUT HOW STUPIDLY PITEOUS THEY REALLY ARE. IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE DEFINITELY PALE FOR THIS PERSON IF YOU WANT TO KEEP THEM FROM BEING A CLUB-WIELDING MURDERER. SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
FOR SOME REASON HUMANS THINK BEING MATESPRITS IS MORE IMPORTANT OR "CLOSER" THAN BEING MOIRAILS, WHICH IS SUCH A BIG PIECE OF HOOFBEASTSHIT IT HAS ITS OWN GRAVITATIONAL PULL, THROWING YOUR PLANET OFF ITS ORBIT AND SPINNING IT INTO THE LONELY REACHES OF SPACE. BUT I GUESS IT'S HARD TO GO BACK. BUT IF YOU'RE PALE, STAYING IN THEIR FLUSHED QUADRANT IS GOING MAKE BOTH OF YOU MISERABLE.
MATESPRITS WHO BREAK IT OFF USUALLY NEED SOME TIME APART OR THEY CAN FLIP BLACK REALLY HARD AND KILL EACH OTHER BEFORE AN AUSPICE CAN GET INVOLVED, SO YOU MIGHT NOT GET TO GO BACK TO THE WAY YOU WERE BEFORE RIGHT AWAY. OR MAYBE IT WILL TURN OUT THEY'RE PALE FOR YOU NOW, TOO!
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS *AGAIN*:
COMMUNICATE. TELL THEM HOW YOU REALLY FEEL.
AT LEAST YOU FIGURED OUT TALKING TO THEM WAS PROBABLY IMPORTANT BEFORE I HAD TO SAY THAT.
BUT THAT BRINGS ME TO THE NEXT PROBLEM:
Hey Karkitty, my best friend (I guess Morail?) is getting really distant from me, and I'm really worried! She seems almost ghost-like at times, and she's apathetic enough to rival a Strider...what do you think I should do?
Dear Karkat, I've had a moirail for a really long time now; we've been real close ever since we were young. But last year (ahem, half a sweep ago) she met someone else who shares more interests with her. Ever since then, I tried my hardest to keep up with her, but I got the sense that we were growing apart. I talked it over with her, and it helped a little, but I'm still getting the feeling that she doesn't want to hang around me as much anymore. Any advice?
Hey Karkat. I have been in a moirallegiance for about a sweep now. The relationship has been going great but recently, my moirail has been having pale feelings about another of her friends. She talked with me, and she said she's not sure wich feelings are stronger. I was under the impression that we were moirails for life. I have had my pale quadrant full for so long now, I'm not sure how I will do with that quadrant empty. How am I supposed to handle the fact that my moirail could be gone soon?
SOMETIMES YOU KEEP TRYING TO BE PALE FOR SOMEBODY AND THAT PERSON JUST ISN'T PALE FOR YOU ANYMORE.
HUMANS ARE ALL KINDS OF SQUEAMISH ABOUT 'HURTING EACH OTHER'S FEELINGS', PROBABLY BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MAD AT EACH OTHER YOU CAN'T JUST GET INTO A PROPER BLOODLETTING PLATONIC HATE FIGHT THANKS TO YOUR LAWS, AND THAT MAKES YOU DECIDE TO *IGNORE* ANY ADVICE ABOUT COMMUNICATION, WHICH IS NUBSUCKING STUPID.
IF YOUR MOIRAIL IS RUNNING AWAY FROM YOU AND THEY WON'T SAY WHY, MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK THEM STRAIGHT OUT 'WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?' MAYBE THEY'RE SO ASHAMED OF SOMETHING THEY DID THEY'RE AFRAID YOU WON'T PITY THEM ANYMORE, AS THOUGH FUCKING UP MAKES THEM ANYTHING OTHER THAN MORE PITEOUS. OR MAYBE THEY'RE NOT PALE FOR YOU FOR NO GOOD REASON. WHO KNOWS? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY SO IT'S HARD TO GUESS.
MAKE THEM TALK TO YOU AND IF THEY WON'T, THEN ALL THOSE PALE FEELINGS YOU HAVE ARE UTTERLY USELESS ANYWAY. TIME TO DEAL WITH EMPTYING THAT QUADRANT OF THE DOUCHEBAG WHO'S NOT ACTUALLY FILLING IT. TRY TALKING TO PEOPLE WHO SHARE YOUR FRIENDSHIP EMOTION WITH YOU? I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS, EXACTLY, BUT STRIDER TALKS TO LALONDE ALL THE TIME AND THEY'RE HUMAN RELATED SO THEY CAN'T BE ACTUALLY PALE. IT'S FUCKING CONFUSING. FOR FUCK'S SAKE, WHY WON'T YOU ALL JUST ADOPT THE QUADRANT SYSTEM. IT IS INFINITELY SUPERIOR TO YOURS.
PICK YOUR SLACK JAWS UP OFF THE KEYBOARD AND WIPE THAT DISGUSTING DROOL OFF YOUR CHIN. I KNOW MY ADVICE IS STUNNING, BUT THAT'S JUST GROSS.
