Dear Sammy

Hop in the passenger seat as I drive myself insane.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

‪you grew your hair out and i realized i dont know if i ever really loved you. we all change

[dearsammyslammajamma]

The other day, I was discussing income inequality and white privilege with a coworker. As I mentioned that all white people have experienced privilege, he shot back that I “just have white guilt.” At first I was defensive because I had heard it used as an insult many times, but after some reflection I realized that although he meant it as an insult, it wasn’t a bad thing.

If having white guilt means that I am more aware of others’ misfortune and mistreatment based upon an arbitrary basis such as skin color and attempt to remedy that, I am glad that I have white guilt.

If white guilt means I do more research on how to be a better ally, I am glad that I have white guilt.

If white guilt means that I empathize with people that have been treated disproportionately to the way I have because of their race, I am glad that I have white guilt.

It white guilt makes me a more caring and more proactive person against racial injustice, I say it a thousand times; I am glad that I have white guilt.

I may not have been the one to ever treat s person poorly because of their race, but I stood silent and passive for too long not speaking out against injustice. I was guilty of letting myself believe it was not as prominent of an issue as it is and therefore I experience guilt. The fact that I was able to comfortably avoid petitioning and calling and crying out for change and justice is something that I have come to terms with and intend to remedy. So yes. I experience white guilt, but DAMN; if it makes me a better person, it’s worth it.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

When I first started running the hardest part was learning to catch my breath. Learning how to slow my heart beat so I could keep a clear head. I took time. It took practice. It took days and days of gasping for air

that’s what learning not to love you felt like. It was days and days of reminding myself of all the reasons why we never work. and sometimes I’d come across a picture or a place we spent time together and my breath would catch and my heart would race but all it took was practice. My heart doesn’t race as much anymore the way it did when we first said goodbye. Maybe all that running taught me a valuable lesson. sometimes it hurts to push through the pain and force yourself to breathe, but it gets easier and before you know it it’s just like running.

i used to hate running, and for a while i hated you too, but i’m glad going through taught me how to breathe.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

i just wanna close out international women’s day by sending praise out to the women who never give up despite being told they’re not good enough. sending my love to all those who are told that their mental health isn’t a conversation to be had but something to hide. i stand with women of all backgrounds, ethnicities, belief systems, and creeds because i know sometimes other women are the only ones in your corner.

i work in a line of business that is dominated by men. old men. old conservative men who think that my lack of what they possess makes me not worthy to sit at the same table. i’ve had men try to explain my job to me and me proceed to do it better than they. i’ve had men tell me i would get the promotion because “they have to promote women for diversity sake”. i’ve had men tell me i’m “too pretty to be a security guard” thinking it was a compliment when all it made me wanna do was scream that i can be both beautiful and deserve respect. they are not mutually exclusive. i can be delicate and strong. i can be ambitious. i can be anything i want to be if i try. i work two jobs and i’m getting a masters degree.

i am strong. i am smart. i am with more than a pretty face. i am emotional. i am creative. i am an achiever. i am unexpected. i am full of so much potential. i am a woman. and i’m not letting some antiquated views of that stop me.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

how to keep myself happy when im just not

i work at a really well tourist locale. i often get the question “how does it feel to go to work when youre not the happiest person on earth?” this is usually synonymous with or followed by “how do you fake it [being happy]?” which usually leads me down a winding road of cliches hoping the person takes what i say as adequate enough and doesnt question me.

i’m not saying i don’t love my job. i genuinely do. i am blessed to work for a highly respected company in a position i wanted for a while, pushing for a promotion i’m seeking, receiving benefits that more than compensate for the struggle i face on a daily basis. as i said, very lucky. everyone always says that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. this is definitely a lie, but it’s very easy to find beauty in each day, eash project, each assignment when you enjoy what you are doing. and i am lucky to be doing just that. even on rough days, i have an amazing team surrounding and supporting me. i love the basis behind my job, and i spend each day looking for the joy in it. but it’s not always enough.

i won’t lie. i struggle from anxiety, often tied to imposter syndrome. i wonder if i’m really qualified for what i am doing and want to do in the future. i fight with myself routinely over whether what i’m doing is right for me or if someone else knows better. i fight with thinking i’m not good enough to do anything. sometimes i fall into thinking everything is better if i dont exist. but i try to consciously fight it every day.

every interaction is a chance for a positive impact. and thats what i strive for. so even when im having a day thats a little less than magical, i try to bring light to rest of the world. i try to be a little kinder than the world has been to me because that is something to live for. and it doesnt always immediately improve my mood, but it’s a chance to be better and make the world a little happier even if its just my little corner of it. seeing the smile brought to a child or family or even just kid at heart is enough to keep pushing. because those people believe in you in that moment. they trust you; they appreciate you. and thats valuable. so sometimes it may not be easy to work, but i have made the conscious decision to try to treat the world better than i am treated and if that helps me as well then i will accept it. it’s not faking it. it’s making it.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

i run my thumb across every detail of your face as if im running from being hurt again and you could be my escape

my fingers tangle in your hair like my words in jumbled masses that spill from my lips as i try to express my compassion

when your hands are on my waist, the world falls away. i know im where i should be. i’ve never been more sure of anything.

youre the song i find myself humming,

the melody in the back of my mind

and every moment with you feels like a lifetime.

whether by fate, by chance, or by some grand design, im so lucky to have found you. youre my one of a kind.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

Reach

you reached for my hand

you reached as if you’ve done it a million times

you reached as if our fingers naturally intertwined

you reached as if you were mine

you reached for my waist

you reached searching for a place to hold

you reached for an anchor for your soul

you reached like my body is a temple

you reached your arms out

you reached to pull me closer

you reached to pull me nearer

you reached to call me dear

you reached into my heart

you reached and made feelings restart

you reached and turned me into art

you reached as if we were never apart

you reached back into me

i fell back into you

but like a rubber band i snap back to my senses and only then i can see

you reach, you reach, you reach, you reach

but everything i’ve ever wanted is just beyond my

[dearsammyslammajamma]

I am blessed. I spend each day falling in love– In love with my friends, in love with the feelings, in love with the chaos, in love with taking another breath and having another chance to make something of it.

Every day I fall more in love with every part of the journey. I fall for the excitement, the anxiety, the passion. I fall for uncertainty. I fall more in love with the spontaneity of taking it one step at a time. The rise and fall of your chest as you change the wind with your words.

I am blessed to spend my days falling in love. I learn to appreciate the curve of my lips as they write the present. I fall for the way my face flushed at the sound of your voice and the way I fight my eyes from bursting every time I leave. I fall.

And it’s a painful process falling in love with the life you’ve been given. The air gets knocked from your lungs. But you press on and that’s enough to drive any poet to write a sonnet. You’re an object of love And in that, you are blessed to fall too.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

so i was inspired by To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. i decided to write a few short letters to some boys in my life. or that may no longer be in my life. or its complicated. but i wanna lay it all out on the line. so theyre gonna follow here.

Dear Sammy,

thank you for teaching me how to love. you’ve shown me so much love in your life and i wanted to do the same. from you, i learned to love parts of myself i never imagined would ever exist. i learned to love others deeper by trying to understand. i learned to love my art, even when it was a work in progress. i even learned to love the difficulty, appreciating the beauty of not everything coming together simply. & through all these things, i have loved you. i will continue to love you. not as anything others could understand, but for exactly what we are.

you’ve always challenged & encouraged me even when i didn’t know how to handle it. you’re a part of my story and i hope i know you forever.

Dear little one,

i’m not exactly sure if we’re meant for each other, but i know my soul recognized yours from the night we first met. it’s easy to be myself around you. we talked all night. i didn’t know people actually did that. our love is like out of a movie, meeting by chance... or maybe by fate, but we instantly connected.

and i dont know exactly what we’re meant to be, but i know you always carry a part of me. my heart isn’t even on my sleeve. it’s on my whole damn flannel you wrap around yourself. & i wouldn’t want it back no matter how hard i tease. i prefer it on you especially when it reminds you of me

you make me happy & the distance makes me sad. maybe if it doesn’t exist one day... i don’t know. just know you make me hopeful.

Dear ghost cat,

your letter is the hardest thing i’ve ever had to write. because i know the ending so i delayed even beginning in hopes the world would somehow spin long enough that our paths collided in a more favorable manner. i didnt want to say hello because i know the ending for me cant just be a see ya later, it has to be a goodbye.

you were my first real love. and i knew it in my heart the moment i met you. which makes it that much harder to walk away. i want you to be happy but i also want to be happy myself and i cant do that when i know we never had a real chance. you’ll always be a regret, not for the sake of having been wronged but because things were never made right. and they couldnt be.

and maybe im writing this goodbye instead of telling you because part of me hopes you’ll realize it hurt me too much to say it. i walked away, telling you i just needed time. but time isnt going to change the fact that youre not mine. and for that, i have to walk away because its whats best for me. i hope that you see this. i hope you understand. and i hope it stings, just a little.

i have always loved you and i always will. my love is real, but so is this heartbreak.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

it’s almost my birthday, so it’s time to reflect. time to think about who i am, who i wanna be, and how i’m gonna use these past twenty two years to mold me.

twenty two taught me to hustle for my dreams and my goals can be achieved. twenty two showed me that a person doesnt have to be toxic for you to be better without them in your life. twenty two proved that age doesnt always equate to maturity. i learned a lot. i grew even more.

& i dont wanna stop

i long to be kinder. stronger. more vulnerable. more open-minded. more self-aware of my short-comings and making every effort to combat them. i yearn ro travel, to continue to love deeply even if it means possibly getting hurt, to make new friends and find small connections with strangers. i dream of finishing my book. with everything i am, i want to be better.

& i will be. just you watch me. 23.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

i wonder if you miss me

or if its gotten easier to breathe

now that youre gone, it hurts a little less

i realize my heart never left my chest

you made it skip, do flips and turns

&at its simplest, it still yearns

but not for you.

i wont say im not hurting

its just all phantom pain

but my ghosts seem more like zombies

lingering for a second life theyre claiming

[dearsammyslammajamma]

i may not be doing just fine, but i’m gonna be.

dearsammyslammajamma

[dearsammyslammajamma]

open letter to the ex best thing

well. looks like you finally did something decent and made a decision, but after playing with my emotions this long, just know you left some incisions. theres plenty of scars where your hands used to touch. i’ll have to shed my skin to get rid of you and maybe even that wont be enough.

“just promise this stays between us.” it seems it always has. you were never proud of loving me. it was a secret, silent affair. never proclaimed. isually just a polite nod or a half smile, hoping that would seal the deal.

“it dies between us.” oh i dont think you could ever call it living. it was always shameful and in the shadows and never really given any chance. but i hope you know that when this dies, i do too. and i will die daily. i hope you enjoy the life you choose. i dont know if i can be a part of it.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

how do you get over when youre still in love with someone and they move on? how do you handle them being youre one and only when youre just another one?

[dearsammyslammajamma]

youre my biggest “what if”

your name is the only sound that comfortably rolls off my tongue as i lull myself to sleep.

when youre here, words are too much.

our souls recognize one another.

my fingertips have traced your face

as if to memorize it as much as my eyes.

with a look, you make me feel

as if im for more than just existing.

i shout “i love you”s into canyons,

even they reply with silence

& i thought when i learned to love myself,

maybe you’d come around too.

and yet, i’ll never be enough

or maybe i am

and we’ll never know.

when you ran from yourself,

you ran straight into another’s arms.

but you keep coming back,

only this time, not committed

you say you want consistency,

but run from that to which you keep returning.

as if im stuck between a rock & a hard place

and i keep trying to save the rock.

like a bird with clipped wings

finding comfort in its cage.

i’ll always be here,

for you feel like home.

[dearsammyslammajamma]

i shout my “i love you”s into canyons, but even their echos return just silence.

dearsammyslammajamma

[dearsammyslammajamma]

we dont need each other; we just need someone even if just to pass the time. we take refuge in one another, finding solace in a kiss.

its not love, but it feels a little less like loneliness.

its merely for a moment, but for a few you claim me as yours. you skip my heart and leave your mark on my skin instead before heading for the door. and sometimes its hard to determine if i let you get close. for days im left thinking of you and what ifs. thats what it comes to, at the most. but you always fade as the hickies do.