Dear Karen

This is a blog for my best friend who sadly passed away. She had a lifelong fight with cystic fibrosis. I will always love you, my wee Karen! 13/03/2015

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen

I think you’d be proud of me this week. I had a date on Sunday. It didn’t go that great but it was still a step forward & showing people that I really have moved on from my ex. 

I also became an organ donor. I done it for you. If I have a chance to save someone have another shot at life - an option that you never got the chance to have because you passed away before they could find you a heart & lungs - I want to do it. 

I’m not sure  if I’ve told you, but my sister in law was due to give birth on Monday. She is going to have a little boy!! He’s still not here. 4 days overdue, but hopefully he will be here within the next few days and I can have some much awaited baby snuggles.

I have been really missing you. I wish you were here for me to share all of this with face to face, but I’ve noticed that writing it down like this really does help. I suppose everyone has different ways to grieve. 

Love you always,

A

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen

I found this in my drafts from a few months ago and thought I’d post it anyway. Its from April 2017.

Your anniversary and birthday has just passed - Happy 22nd Birthday! I hope you had a ball. 

Things here have been kind of shit. I've been seeing a guy from work. It's gotten pretty serious but I overheard that he supposedly asked out another girl from work. I heard her talking about it but every time I bring it up he never answers me and gets defensive. I know he hasn't actually been out on a date with her but now we're in that in between stage where we are still in a relationship but aren't really speaking which I hate because we've went from speaking and seeing each other everyday to not speaking and only seeing each other in work. I miss him. But he's at fault here, right? He's the one asking out other girls. Even if they are friends or not isn't that something he would tell me? The last time I spoke to him was Thursday and he's not replied to my last text. 

Aside from that my sister and grandad have both been in and out of hospital and my aunt has breast cancer. I've really been missing not having you here to chat to about this stuff.

Love you and miss you always,

A

[dearweekaren]

Dear Wee Karen

I’ve really been struggling over the last few weeks with my mental health and guy troubles. I can’t look in the mirror without crying. I can barley finish a meal without wanting to throw up straight afterwards. I’ve had to take all the sharp things out of my bedroom & bathroom because I’m too tempted to start cutting and I really don’t want to go down that road again. 

I split up with S a few months ago (on the 6 month anniversary of our first date). We agreed we would be better off as friends because he just didn’t have time for a relationship and we clearly wanted different things. 

But things changed about two weeks ago. We had a works night out and he thought something would happen between us, but when the night ended I went home alone and he wasn’t happy about that. He text me saying that I was being rude to him all night (even though we were dancing and flirting all night) and that he thinks it would be better off that we didn’t contact each other at all from then on, and from then I think I just fell apart. I didn’t want to loose him but he was being an arse and I don’t need that in my life. I need someone who is happy to meet my family and speak about our relationship and not go in a bad mood every time I want to talk about something serious. But it just really got to me. I was effected by this more than when we actually broke up and I don’t understand why. 

I really miss you. You were always the one that I would come to with these things. I don’t really have anyone like that anymore. All my friends didn’t like him from the start so they were happy to see the back of him. 

I don’t know if all of that has made me worse, or if i was already feeling like this before, but was masking it. 

What to I do here? How do I cope with this? I’ve never been this effected by a break up before. This was the first relationship I had that got physical. Was it the sex that made me more attached to him? Was it that I saw him everyday and spent most of my spare time with him? Did I love him? Do I still love him? I didn’t think I did. I went into that relationship with him knowing full well that he was 15 years older than me and he had a little kid. I told myself that this wouldn’t work out in the long run and it was just for fun but I got so attached to him so quickly that now I can’t seem to stop thinking about him or how I felt around him. 

I wish you were here to talk to about this and to give me the slap I need to get over him. 

I’ll miss you, always and forever. 

Love, 

A

[dearweekaren]

Dear Wee Karen

Its been awhile since I wrote. Happy New Year!! 

A lot has changed in my life over the last few months. I’ve gotten closer to a few of the girls in work and they have become my closest friends. I’ve turned 21. I’ve started looking at other jobs plus so much more.

I think that I was trying to make sure that I didn’t replace you so I shut out everyone to the point where my own best friend didn’t want to speak to me because I just shut her out for no reason. I have been trying to change that. I now know that no one can replace you, ever and once I realized that it was a lot easier to make friends with the girls.

I have started back on Anti Depressants recently. I finally bit the bullet and asked for help. Last time I done this I had you here to walk me through it but now I have to do this by myself. My family are quite proud that I asked for help this time before it got out of control. 

I’ve started seeing someone from work too. Hes older 15 years older. He is really helping me with my confidence (although one of the girls from work is helping in that aspect too). He is so easy to be around and talk to. This is the most comfortable I’ve ever been around a man who isn’t my dad or brothers. The more time I spend with him, the more I really like him. At first I never liked him that much, but as I came out of my shell more at work the banter was great & I realized that he is actually quite funny, but everyone thinks I can do better than him. I understand where they are coming from considering the age difference and I understand that they are scared he is taking advantage but he has been nothing but supportive of me and he is happy to move at my pace - even though it means that we might not sleep together for a while, until I am fully comfortable. 

Also, I’m going to be an auntie again! Scott’s wife is pregnant! I know that I already have 3 nephews and 2 nieces but I just can’t help but be excited for this baby. It gives me a reason to get my mental health under control again. 

I suppose that’s all the updates I have for you. I’ve been missing you like crazy lately. Everything that I do right now reminds me of you and how I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you everything. It also doesn’t help that its your anniversary next month. 

I’m really sorry that I haven’t been over to your grave for awhile. I can’t bring myself to do it yet. Maybe I’ll pick up the courage to come visit soon. 

How are you doing wherever you are? I hope that wherever you ended up you are happy. 

Miss you loads, love you lots.

Amy 

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen

It’s been over a year now since you were taken from us and I miss you more and more each day.

Some days are harder than others. Some days I can barely function knowing that I’ll never see you again and other days I am totally fine knowing that you’re not in pain anymore. Some days I struggle to get out of bed but I then remember all of the encouraging things you told me when I was going through a tough time and I don’t ever want those conversations we had go to waste because I’m feeling selfish and wanting to have you back here with me.

I don’t think I ever told you how much I admired you. You were such an amazing funny person and I really am genuinely so grateful to have called you my best friend.

I am always going to have a Karen shaped whole in my heart and in my life and I know nothing will fill it. You aren’t going to be there to see me get married (although you were always going to be one of my bridesmaids) or have kids, or grow old and grey and wrinkly and I will never see those things happen to you.

I feel like I should have let you go already. I keep asking myself why I still cry about your passing, but I have recently realised that I’m not crying because you’re dead. I’m crying because your passing effected me in ways I never thought it would. I’m crying because it makes me feel like I am healing piece by piece. To cry doesn’t mean I’m weak, it means that I am strong and I am surviving.

I am surviving for you. I am alive for you.

I really hope you’re going well. I don’t even know if you’re still out there somewhere or if your just in nothingness, I really hope that there is a heaven because you deserve to be there drinking as much Irn Bru as you can.

Miss you, love you, always my wee Karen

Love, Amy x

[dearweekaren]

Dear Wee Karen

It’s been a whole year since you got taken away. 12 months. 365 days. Some days that feels like it was just yesterday when I got that phone call, days like today feel like it was a millennia ago. I don’t cry as much now as I did in the first few months. I guess now I realise that you are so much better off. Now you’re not in pain and you don’t need machines to help you breathe anymore. I hope that wherever you are, you are happy. Miss you. Love you always my wee Karen. Love Amy x

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen,

It’s officially New Year’s Eve. The first one without you.

Lately everything has been making me think of you. I went into town with my sister on Boxing Day for some shopping and we got lost in Royal exchange square, kinda like the time we got lost there when we were 13 after we went to the cinema. That was our first time in town without adults and we ended up sitting out side Starbucks phoning our parents to get directions to the bus station to get home. Me and mum watched Alice in wonderland today and I remembered when we went to the cinema to see it. There was the other time when me, you and Steph went to see Jack and Jill on a Friday night and then went to KFC afterward. I can still hear your laugh.

As each day passes I miss you so much more. You took a piece of my heart to heven with you, and I can’t wait to come up there and get it back one day.

My birthday passed. I’m 20 now. You will be 19 forever, though. I’m now older than you, and I hate it. I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday this year because you didn’t get to celebrate your 20th, but if I didn’t this year, would that stretch to my 21st too? Although with all of my attempts to make everyone forget December 2nd, they didn’t. Everyone in work put together money and got me a box of chocolate, biscuits, a bottle of Morgan’s and a lovely cake. As much as I hate to admit this, this was probably one of my better birthdays, aside from the belated birthday night out we had for my 18th.

This was your first Christmas away too. I hope you got to spend this with your Gran and dad up there.

I never really got a minute to myself to write anything that day, which is why I’m doing this now so mMerry Christmas. I hope you got spoiled rotten up there. And have a good New Years too. I hope they have vodka up there for you to bring the bells in. Maybe some Irn Bru too.

So tell me, how are you? I hope your dads doing well. I love you and miss you, always!! Amy

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen,

It’s been 6 months now and I miss you more than ever. A lot has changed in these past months. I’ve started a new job, gotten new friends and lost touch with old ones. I wish I could tell you that I’m happier, but that would be anything but the truth. Maybe given some more time I’ll just be happier but then I could get worse too. Everywhere I go I get reminded of you. When I pass the cinema on my way home from work, when I pass your old house or one of your family or old friends. Everything’s here is just full of you and I really wish it wasn’t. Maybe it’s just time I move on. Get out of here and live my life without you, but I can’t do that. If you never had CF then maybe you would still be here. Maybe we would have been closer over the last few years, but then maybe not. How are you doing? I hope you’re flying high up there. I love you and miss you always. Amy

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen,

I’ve been thinking about changing my lifestyle over the past few weeks. I’m not socialising enough. I have no friends. My family have been shutting me out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to anymore, other than you. 
SO, I need to change. I need to become more confident. I need to make more friends. I need to make my family happy to be my family again. I need to make you proud.

I haven’t figured out how to do this yet, but I’m going to try.

Also, work has been taking over my life. How can I have a social life if I live, breathe and practically eat work? I have no idea and you probably can’t help but I’m asking. How do I stop this? I don’t even know why I’m asking you, because you’ve never even had a job but maybe you might know how to separate these things.

How’s death treating you? I’ll love you and miss you always!!

Amy

[dearweekaren]

Dear Karen,

I started a new job last week. It was absolutely terrifying. It still is. But no one knows me and that feels great. I really miss talking to you, I still pick up my phone to text you but then I remember and I just feel like crap. A few times I have actually sent you a text and then realised what's happened. Life is really stressful right now. I'm trying to pass my driving test, dealing with the pup, work, but everything just seems so out of place because I don't have you to talk to, to laugh with. To be honest I don't even know what else to say. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you since your funeral. I just want to pretend that you're still here and if I go to your grave it will all become reality and I'll just break in half again. I hope death is treating you well. What is it like there? Is there even somewhere after death? Are you still suffering or are you better now? I have so many questions for you but unfortunately no one can answer them. I love you always Amy

[dearweekaren]

Welcome to Dear Karen!

I’ve been trying to find ways to get everything out of my system. Things I want to tell her, things I would want her to see and know.

Whenever things got tough for me Karen would always be there for me, saving me from myself and I wish I could have saved her from her lungs.

In the end she died happy, with her family.

I miss her everyday and I decided to write her a letter. I’m not sure if this will be a daily thing, or weekly or even once in a blue moon, but this is here for me to vent to my best friend so please sit back and just listen (or read).