I’m going to write down a few personal thoughts, share them, and see if it helps. Usually, I’m trying to be the cheerful, happy, positive one. And most of the time, it works. Or does it? The church, faith and Jesus, helped me to pull me out of the well of depression before. And I made mistakes. I felt like I can’t and don’t deserve to be forgiven. I lost myself. Gradually, I gave up my good habits. No more scriptures, no more praying, no more church. There is no way God loves me anymore, right? On the other hand, I will never ever deny that He lives and that the church is true. I just can’t. But I’m the sheep that lost it’s way, getting further away from it’s shepherd the more it tries to come back. I focused on other stuff- job and business. I thought it’s gonna be fine that way, but it’s not. I simply became stuck. No more will to do anything. Getting fired. Focusing on business. And I got refused again and again, then I got up and tried it one more time, one more time. Maybe you read the stories of succesfull entrepreneurs, who never give up. When I got into the business I learned that “If the dream is big enough, facts don’t count!”. I said “cool” and wrote down a bucket list of my dreams, visions and hopes. There were things like “graduate”, “get engaged”, “get married”, “move to Prague”, “get sealed in the temple”, “have a nice house”, “buy a new laptop and tablet”, etc. And I started checking off the things I’ve done. And one day I realized that I’m not moving towards any of my dreams anymore. There came thoughts like: “When I don’t do this, I can’t achieve that, and why do I even try when I’m a failure...” I keep pretending like I’m okay. And I hate myself. Since I started going to art school and study animation, and I graduated, I really wanted to work for a studio, or make money by doing what I love. So when I lost my non- artistic job, I send CV to all the studios I could find. And I got refused again and again. Last week I found one where they agreed to teach me, I was happy that I can progress. But they gave it to someone else. And it broke me. I feel like I don’t even have talent, I’m just lucky that I made it through school. I love painting and drawing but I see thousand of people who are better than me. And then there is the business. It helped me to improve, a lot. I want to do it, but I don’t have will to go out and meet people. Just no. I want do hide. I don’t deserve good life. I don’t even deserve my husband. He is nice to me when I’m mad at him. And then he is angry with me because I don’t help him at all. I’m sitting home playing games. This weekend a miracle happened. There is a first stake in Czech republic. President Uchtdorf came for the conference we had. On Sunday, after I finally decided that I should go, I basically slept through it all. I was so stubborn. I did nothiing for my brothers and sisters in the past year, not even at home. We are not the mormon family that prays together and reads the scriptures, we don’t even do anything but play games together. That was not my dream. And if I failed at this “basic” thing, how can I get something better? I lost all that I stood for. My talents, my faith. All that stays is that I really love my husband, but I keep letting him down. Trying to get closer to him hurts. Trying to make things right again hurts, When I’m hurt, I’m sad, I cry and yell and swear and he is the one who gets hit by my bad feelings. I just hate myself so much. I feel useless, unworthy... and I don’t even have the will to open up the Scriptures and pray, I know it helps but I don’t feel like I’m going to be heard. Whenever I try, it backfires and I feel even worse. What the fuck is wrong with me?!
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