Travis: [crosstalk] Hello, Brooks!
Brooks: So, my question is - my boyfriend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing… handfuls of fettuccine?
Brooks: Unco - [laughs] uncooked?
Griffin: [sarcastically] I would hope he’s not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine, Brooks!
Brooks: No - and eating them raw - [audience groans] - and he keeps calling them chips?
Brooks: How do I make him stop?
Travis: Is your boyfriend here?
Travis: You’re a monster! [audience and Justin laugh] Words mean things!
Griffin: Does anyone remember - [clears throat] I haven’t been to olive garden in… many moons, but they do have like, a little, like - fettuccine… bottle that you can just grab ‘em out of and chew - hold on! [indignantly] Was this a prank you guys pulled on me when we went to Olive Garden as kids?!
Griffin: No. Stop, everybody shut up! [audience and Justin laugh] Do they give you fe - raw fettuccine to chew on in the lobby of the Olive Garden??
Griffin: YOU ST- FUCKIN’ - BASTARDS!
Travis: [crosstalk] Yaaaaaaayyy!!
[audience starts cheering and clapping]
[Travis and Justin cackle while the audience cheers. Griffin presumably has his head in his hands.]
Travis: And now you have IBS!
Travis: [triumphantly] We got ‘im!
Griffin: What I need you - [aside] Brooks, we’ll get back to you - [to his brothers] what I need you two to understand is - [Justin wheezes and giggles] that was not - the only time I went to Olive Garden. [audience laughs] There were - [laughs]
Travis: [in disbelief] Were there never employees around, like -??
Justin: [high-pitched giggles]
[audience laughs even more at Justin’s giggling]
Griffin: I - I! Wanting to seem like an authentic metropolitan… diner, would always grab the fettuccine and walk over to my friends like, “Mm, yeah, I’m a little - a little peckish -”
Justin: Griffin - Griffin, I -
Griffin: I fucking can’t believe - I can’t believe you did that, and I can’t believe literally I’m finding out in the worst imaginable venue -
Justin: Speaking as a former Olive Garden employee, there is - if I saw a little kid eating fettu - raw fettuccine, the… odds of me stopping them are negative one thousand percent.
Griffin: Yeah, so I’m - gonna -
Griffin: Sit this one out, Brooks! [audience and Travis laugh]
Justin: Brooks, is it possible that your boyfriend has been laboring under the same delusion as my brother for all these years? [audience laughs] “Oh, but wait, they sell this for you to take home? Okay! Little fancy for myself, then!”
[Griffin and audience giggle]
Travis: Brooks, is it possible -
Travis: - your boyfriend does not believe these are chips, but instead, likes to annoy you, by calling them chips, a thing I - not exactly that, but similar - do to my wife all the time? [audience laughs]
Griffin: Is it possible, your boyfriend… loves chips. And you never have chips, and this is his way of passive-aggressively sort of - [audience laughs] guilting you into go - “Ooh, these are tasty chips!” - and as a raw fettuccine eater myself, I can tell you, it’s not a - it’s not a good chew!
[audience and brothers laugh]
Griffin: You do it, and you put it in your mouth, and your six-year-old brain thinks, it’ll turn to fettuccine in the heat of your mouth. [hysterically, as audience laughs] It doesn’t work like that! It doesn’t work like that! It just doesn’t work like that.
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