dedication7

[dedication7]

a spooky return

It might hibernate from time to time and sink back into the swamp…

~~~~~

My mum was telling me most of her colleagues are convinced their work building is haunted. To be fair to them, it is a former hospice in a converted warehouse on the edge of the old Lace District. Ghosts have hovered over conversations there for some many years, the rumours are no longer dismissed out of hand.

One of the nurses is particularly scared. Won’t even climb the stairs one floor to get to the staff kitchen. My mum says she’s a big girl; always trying to lose weight. She told her she should at least take the stairs to get some exercise but the woman refused outright. Said she hates passing the figure of the man that hovers on the top step.

One night the big girl was out on a call so the other nurses decided it would be funny to go on Nottingham’s Most Haunted and find a good story to scare her with when she got back. On the second page there was a post about their building. Turns out an AA man hung himself on the main stairs back in the sixties. They closed the browser and never brought it up again.

I’ve started playing tennis against a young Chinese man.

He graduated in film studies just as the pandemic struck and has been looking for work ever since. While he smoked his post-match cigarette I asked him whether he’d had any luck in the job market. He took a puff and looked past the court and into the park. “I’m a cat sitter now”, he said. “There’s five in the flat and more to come.”

He said it pays the bills.

[dedication7]

wed 31

My dad is recording the George Floyd trial on CNN while he watches England Poland. I’m watching on my laptop before tonight’s floodlit return to the courts. (The football, not the trial.) Wish there was a crowd at Wembley. 800,000 Poles in the UK. Would have been 20-odd thousand of them there tonight. 

A semi-famous YouTuber has moved into my building, while I replaced a mildly recognisable Twitter name in this flat. Indulge me for a second. There’s a class in session at a liberal arts college in upstate New York, many decades in the future. The professor is perched on the edge of her desk encouraging her students to summarise the online footprint of St John’s Mansion. She asks them who they look to – and what it taught us about life in 2020s London. The YouTube star is mentioned, of course. As is the Twitter account. Then a quiet voice rises from the back row. “You’ve been looking in the wrong place... you should have been on tumblr...”

The cat paid me four visits today. Got locked out of his house so I let him loiter here. Felt like he was ravenous! Need to get some food in for him.

I’m reading The Mezzanine. It’s either very good or truly boring depending on my mood. ‘No one Is Talking About This’ was superb. “Virtual realism”. Made me want to swear off the internet for life. 

[dedication7]

No higher honour 

[dedication7]

he doesn’t understand 

that i’m steeped in the lore

of the CHAMPIONS LEAGUE

[dedication7]

the animals of clapton square

Been a spider in the bathroom for over a month now. He's strung up a web between the toilet and the radiator. Also seems to have an auxiliary base higher up the window. 

I’m starting to understand his movements; what his day’s look like. Mornings are spent up top before creeping down for the afternoon and night shifts. Doesn't move a muscle from 7 onwards, just sits there digesting the day's flies and tagging on yet more mass. 

Not saying this spider has become a comforting presence. Far from it. But I’d also say he's the first spider I haven't actively despised. When I asked my housemate for his thoughts, I think he summed up the situation quite nicely: "Do I mind him? No. Do I trust him? Also no." My sentiments exactly – as it stands.

The spider is far from the only creature roaming these grounds. Obviously there's Maurice; cat, gent and confidante. Other cats too. There have now been two reports of cats frolicking with foxes under the moonlight, both from separate sources. One saw them walking down the pathway to the street together. Another saw them curled up under a bench. 

There's also been a slightly more sinister sighting  I'm loath to give airtime to. Unfortunately there have been reports of foxes tottering around the garden on two legs. In fact, one fox was supposedly seen "bolt upright" and "striding past the roses". Not ideal.

I think those are the main animal protagonists of St John's Mansion. Minor players include black and white cat, fat white cat and younger, sleeker version of Maurice.

This is what this blog has come to. Horizons narrowed to the compound. Walks becoming shorter, less frequent. Runs dwindling to nothing. I'm coasting now. Cruising towards a crash or the open road of freedom. Whatever comes first.

[dedication7]

from the window seat

Flat opposite me are getting their kitchen redone. The old boy leading the job is keeping his milk cool on the windowsill in lieu of a functioning fridge and a strong gust just knocked it clean off. He caught my eye as it crashed onto a motorbike below. Gave him a wry nod in return.

I'm one of many working from home in these buildings. Chap opposite me has a standing desk. Woman down and left wears some kind of call centre headset. All seem to work longer hours than me.

[dedication7]

canal

First post in a while. Not even been writing in my diary. Just been existing. Nice moment yesterday. Walking along the canal with a couple of friends. Sun setting over the bare trees and reflecting off the water. We drank big bottles of German beer and fantasised about the lockdown ending. One of the barges was playing techno as it slowly chugged past the rows of share to buy flats. Every other window was lit up; another lounge with another sofa and another series on the flat screen. Covid. The Comfortable War. For most anyway. 

[dedication7]

khabib the cat; camus the guru

Cat curled up by my legs as I type this. His/her Sunday visits getting longer and longer. Taped the cat flap open so they could leave while I popped out but returned to find them on the sofa, purring away. Don’t know their age, where they live, what they eat. Just two Clapton Square residents seeking company in lockdown. Maybe when restrictions end, we’ll go our separate ways and never acknowledge these visits happened. Blank each other in the communal gardens. Hope not.

Finished another Camus book. Something quite comforting about the idea of existentialism to me (which admittedly he rejected he was part of). The belief that meaning is derived from existence, not by pre-defined rules or afterlife judgement. It’s almost like mindfulness. I always feel lighter for reading anything like that. Like there’s no wrong or right way to live. 

[dedication7]

Just superb. 

[dedication7]

thai green truther

Somehow lost the ability to rustle up a passable thai green. Either they’ve altered the consistency of the jars or coconut milk cans are getting inexplicably bigger. Something’s going on. Endured another bone white bowl of the stuff this evening. Felt like it was dripping in milk. Sick of it.

Going to try and cook one from scratch next week. See if that puts me back on track.

[dedication7]

the longest winter

I’ve been writing a diary of sorts in a leather-bound notepad. Taken things offline so to speak. The posts have stopped but I live on, though barely. 

Horizons have shrunk to nought. 

Going for a run is entertainment. Grocery shopping is an event. Weekly walks with my mate have become a cherished tradition. No one talks about freedom anymore. No first pints or first holidays. No one dares hope or look forward. It’s one foot in front of the other territory.

I’ve become preoccupied with the time of the sunset. Studying the figures, plotting the milestones. We reach 5pm on Saturday. 

This is worthy of celebration.

You wouldn’t think it for reading this, but my spirits remain high enough. Cautiously optimistic about the vaccines. Work coming in. Spring slowly approaching. The longest winter beginning to draw to a close.

[dedication7]

bernie

Starting to turn on these Bernie memes. What’s the point of them? Who are they for? Feels like we can’t comprehend anyone with serious radical politics so we have to reduce them into these pop culture caricatures we’re comfortable with. 

[dedication7]

mbfgw

2330 on a Friday night. I’ve sunk one plus-size bottle of corona and watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding on Amazon Prime. Sounds utterly, utterly chillingly depressing doesn’t it. Well, I tell you what, I’ve had worse evenings. Naturally, did my cursory Wiki trawl post-credits and discovered it’s the highest grossing romcom of all time too. Gotta say fair play.

No work this week. Pure lockdown. Unfiltered. Got into running out of sheer necessity. Doing laps of Hackney Downs and starting to get into it. Feels good to see the stats go in the right direction. Couple of weeks in and going for a run doesn’t feel like some gargantuan task, which is nice.

Reading a lot of books. Gone through three excellent ones in quick succession:

- where the crawdads sing (obama-feted blockbuster mum-book about a girl growing up alone in some marshes)

- the music of chance (classic stylised absurdist masterclass from the great paul auster)

- girl, woman, other (all lowercase intertwined poeticism about african women in england)

In good spirits despite everything that’s going on. I read in one of the books that if you can keep your character, nothing can touch you. Think it’s true. 

[dedication7]

rye

A pleasingly austere breakfast of rye bread and black coffee. On my second cup and my third day of idle leisure. Feeling nicely decompressed. Back on the grind tomorrow interviewing bank managers. Might put a suit jacket on for them. Play a little dress up. 

Almost got scammed this morning before I’d even risen from my bed. Text from “HMRC” saying I was due a rebate. Clicked the link and entered some info before getting curious. Turns out it was a textbook scam. They’ll catch a lot of people out with it too. Called my bank like a good citizen to warn them and was rewarded with a somewhat stern lecture about keeping my guard up against phishing. Consider my guard raised, sir.

[dedication7]

storming of the capitol

Been transfixed by the events in America. Think I've read every article that's been written on the subject and studied every video. Utterly delighted the true face of these people has finally, irrevocably, been revealed – just sad that six people had to die for it to happen. Can't stop thinking of the woman who got shot in the neck. Just a run-of-the-mill Facebook mom who got radicalised beyond repair. Went to Washington to "take back her country" and died on the floor being filmed by a dozen Android phones. That's all they could do the whole time they were inside! They storm the building, they force the politicians into hiding and then.... they wander around filming themselves for Twitter and Facebook. It really is all about the content. 

Trump getting kicked off Twitter is beautiful. Maybe he'll start his own platform and it'll be one platform for the right, another for the left. Can't see it though. MAGA is  powered by hatred so without the "enemy" to rail against, they'll just turn on each other. Will probably create a few more vicious splinter groups but the majority will step back from the brink. Surely.

Anyway, I'm so glad to be seeing some consequences. Enjoying every backtrack from every spineless Republican and hope every last person is held to account. Here's to America finally shifting some way towards the left and here's hoping we soon follow suit in the UK. 

[dedication7]

a long way from madrid

Walked into a Spanish corner shop on my way back from posting a parcel the other day. Old boy behind the counter sweating over a slicing device and a block of manchego. Kept jamming and he kept apologising to the couple in front of me. Looked around the shop while I waited for my baguette. Threadbare stock. Dusty wine bottles. Didn't seem in good shape. Was curious as to how an old cockney comes to own a Spanish corner shop and he said he opened it with his ex-wife eight years ago. Then he looked me in the eye and said, 'you'll notice I said ex'. Then he went back to grappling with the machine. Going to go once a week from now on. Do my bit to help keep him afloat.

[dedication7]

nothing else to write about than covid

Not posted since the start of December despite spending the vast majority of the month indoors. Up until September it felt like covid was happening elsewhere. Saw quite a few ambulances pull up to the flats opposite but that’s as far as it went. Since September it’s felt like covid is stalking me. Never a week going by without someone having it or maybe having it. Now it’s finally got me. Proud of the old body for shaking it off relatively swiftly. Just got to rest now to finish the job.

Every day is the same. 

It ain’t pretty. I feel more positive than I did when I was in the throes of the fever though. We’ve designated the lounge a “no wallow” zone. Seems to be holding up so far. If you want to wallow you have to retire to your “pit”. Bedrooms have been reclassified as pits. You can also wallow a bit in the kitchen, but only if you couche your wallowing as part of a wider debate on covid, restrictions, lockdown or 2020 as a whole.

This year will leave a mark on many. I think that more and more. I also have some creeping fear that we’re closer to the abyss than we’ve ever been. That if a more virulent strain can suddenly spring up in Kent, what’s to stop a more deadly one rising up in Osaka or Koln or Delhi? Can’t think like that though. Can’t think more than a day ahead.

I’ll be back to work the day after my isolation ends. May as well stack up some money while we’re in the midst of it. Because there will be a time when that money will mean something. There has to be.