(Ex) best friends and ghosting.
Recently, I got ghosted by my former best friend. We had been friends since 4th grade back in elementary school. After we got to know each other, we were inseparable ever since. Our friendship lasted many years and I guess we both were something the other one needed badly in her life. For a very long time, she was my only close friend and I shared everything with her. My time, my feelings, my secrets. I would have sacrificed my own life for her and I trusted her with my life. She was everything for me. I was there for her and so was she for me. Always.
After elementary school, she moved away. Not far away but we both did not have money for buying public transport tickets again and again and also we were both still quite young. So we couldn't meet that often any more. But our friendship got through this.
After several further years, I moved away as well. Farther away. Slowly, our contact decreased more and more. I got depressed. I realized that it was a bad decision to move away. I hated my job there and my relationship with my ex boyfriend went straight downhill. I endured this situation for a while. For too long. But I managed to move forward with my life and moved back near my hometown. I was optimistic again, I felt better.
My life seemed to be quite good for some time but it took not long to go downhill again. And it got worse than ever. Depression hit me like Mount Everest in my face, deaths of beloved people, bullying at work, symptoms of burnout, and another traumatic situation hit me; and it took me a long time to get out of these dark places. I didn't talk about this a lot and, above all, with very few people. I didn't have the energy to talk about it and so I didn't tell her. I didn't ask her for help. I just couldn't. I wanted contact with her, I wanted her help - because she was through such things as well and managed to get over it - but I just couldn't.
She had troubles keeping in touch in general. I knew that and it was ok for me most of the time. Our friendship was not weakened by not texting every day or even every week or month. It was fine for me being "in charge" for keeping in touch. But this changed with my depression. Keeping in touch with family and friends is - until to date - one of my biggest issues and challenges me a lot. Answering messages, calling through etc. It really drained and still drains all my energy. I wished that she would check up on me more often when I didn't text at all. But she didn't.
After I texted her again some time later and tried to explain why I wasn't keeping in touch any more - when I was about to start therapy - she explained to me that it wasn't her intention to hurt me by not texting. She was under the impression that - now that I had a new boyfriend after moving back near my hometown - I was so happy, I wouldn't need her anymore. Obviously, we were hurt simultaneously. So we tried to re-build or bond. But apparently, we failed.
We tried to extensively tell each other about the lives we were living by now (summer 2022) and for me it was great to slowly getting a part of her life and having her in mine again. After one message in said summer, I didn't receive an answer. I didn't worry about it too much because, by now, she became a mother. Twice to be precise. Ans she got married. She had a busy life and so I was patient. In autumn, I texted her again and suggested to visit her in October because I was going to have two weeks off. One checkmark. My message did not get delivered.
Several months later, on her birthday in April this year, I texted her my congratulations for her birthday. I texted her on Instagram because my last message on WhatsApp was not delivered. She saw the message, but never answered. She unfollowed me and deleted me as follower on her profile. She didn't text me for my birthday some days later. And then, she deactivated her profile. That's it. She ghosted me and left me in pieces.
I would possibly be able to contact her via usual text messages or maybe via Tumblr. But obviously, she doesn't want to get contacted by me. But the urge to tell her, how bad she hurts me with this is almost unbearable. Mainly, I am writing this right now to clear my mind a bit. I was pushing away my feelings about this the last weeks. I just didn't want to deal with it right now. But continuing to push it away will only cause more problems for me and my mental health. I'm still thinking about telling her how hurt I am, and angry, and disappointed. Maybe she'll even see this post. But this would mean that she would need to actively check on my profile since she unfollowed me on Tumblr as well.
I wished I could just hate her. To hate seems to be so much easier than to be hurt, than to miss and to regret how things went. But I don't and that makes me even more angry, but with myself. I hate that I'm tearing up again and again while writing this, I hate to have all those mixed feelings inside me.
I'm trying to find strategies for me to deal with this. Currently, I am trying to figure out and focus on the things that were negative for me in our friendship, e.g. how she talked shit about my first boyfriend more than a decade ago, how she always relied on me keeping in touch, that she always wanted to be "entertained" be me when we met because she got bored very easily. I'm trying to find reasons why it may be good that it's over so that I can move on. But... is this mean? Am I the bad person now? Was it all my fault? Could I have done anything different/better? I don't know.
I'm still grateful for all the goods things in this friendship, for everything she did for me, but at the moment, remembering this just hurts. I know I need to let all those feelings in and learn to deal with them. But I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go.
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