OneTurns

A little writing, a poem maybe

[deepsubmission]

no one says goodbye anymore

[deepsubmission]

Kasey

I sensed light behind my eyes and let them open just enough to see how bright.  Through paper thin slits I could partially make out beams of white and yellow with grey around the edges.  Always grey around the edges, it seems, always grey.

As I started to come to, I could see a warmer, yellow orange glow in the left of my periphery.  The smells, distant, were of old wood and mild orange, in the way that a place smells familiar after you leave and come back.  I couldn’t tell if I could move or not, I only knew I didn’t want to.  A warm pain was pulsing insistently around my neck and head.  I couldn’t feel my legs, my arms and hands were tingling with needled numbness.

“Good.  You’re awake,” the familiar female voice carried blankly from the darkness to my right.  "There are better ways to end things.  Better ways than that don’t leave your heavy carcass to be carried up a steep slope of thick trees.“  It was Kasey.  But I’d never heard her without her usual sing song tone before.  It made me uneasy.  When the veil is pulled aside, the exposed core is always pure, true.  I wonder if someone could pull mine.

"The sooner you cease to make this about you, the quicker you will get better.”

“Better.”  I asked.  "What is that?“

There was a long silence.  A dead emptiness that made me feel I could understand that particles of dust were colliding in the light.  And purposefully so, effecting everything in an endless chain of interwoven sprockets that were the universe.  I strained to hear anything at all and gathered some thoughts, potential defense responses for the upcoming discussion.  I took a deep breath and held it to get a deeper listen when I heard, or rather felt her rise, still out of my sight.  From where I was squinting to see her formed a small green glow out of the black.  It grew from a speck to the size of a fist and pulsed slowly.  My mind flashed to a grey room.  There was a man in a cloak, a bloody wound in his chest.  Dark red stained most of his upper torso, juxtaposed against a grainy black and white background, like an old photograph.  My heart flooded with emotions.  Love, struggle, and the knowing of a horrific and bloody battlefield.  And then, as quickly as he came into view, he was gone.  Suddenly my pupils snapped narrow and the air blew hard out of my lungs.  I couldn’t breathe.  The wind was sucked out of me and I was helpless, completely unable to move but for my face.

I heard a voice in my head speak.  It said "Remember the angel?”  And a grey skinned black haired, black winged woman came into view.  She was in the air, hovering, though her wings were mainly still, like that of a butterfly at rest.  She floated from the darkness toward me slowly with a low electric buzz surrounding her.  She stopped above me and looked me over.  I watched her eyes move across various parts of my body, but never leaving me.  Her eyes were black and her face emotionless, but carried a peaceful and assuring countenance.  My body was twitching and trembling, trying to find a way to gain oxygen somehow.  Her hand reached out over me and I felt my chest grow warm and then move in a sudden heave, pulling in a breath.  Then out again fully.  As I gained my breath I was overcome with reverence for this being.  I could feel wisdom and power.

I thought to myself “This feels so conceptual, there must be something real.”  She replied in my head “It is.  Until you find something to serve but yourself.”

The, in a flash she was gone.  And I wondered for a moment how many times I’ve uttered the phrase “And just like that, she was gone” to myself.  I smiled a crooked smile to myself and Kasey spoke.

“They’re gone, you know.  They’ve all left.”  There was that blank tone again.  I tried to lift myself up in the bed, but managed only to raise my head enough to he her standing up and slowly stepping around to my left.  "Boys like you, boys like you, boys like you,“ she uttered in a low growl.  She scowled at me with contempt, then suddenly her face changed completely, beaming with a radiant smile, concern on her face. She bent down and I heard water being wrung out into a bucket on the floor.  "She raised a hand towel to my face and began to place it carefully over my face.

It was warm with steam and smelled of lavender and herbs.  I started to speak, but she put her cold index finger over my lips and replied "Shhh, just be quiet and still for now, A.”  She kept her finger on my lips and pressed, then pulled my lower lip down slightly, parting my mouth.  Her other hand arranged the towel over all of my face, leaving a space open for my mouth and nose.  "You need not worry about anything.  Not me, not your condition, not where the others have gone, not moving, not thinking.“

I felt her remove her finger from my mouth and replace it with a rag.  It smelled of strong chemicals.  I coughed and inhaled and then passed out cold.

***

"Wake up, angel, wake up.”  The voice was Kasey’s, the recognizable musical, loving tone, but through a tunnel.  I opened my eyes to view a new setting.  I was in a small bed in a tiny room, less than ten by ten, maybe seven feet tall, with cement block walls and a single small window with six panes at about eye level.  I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach and had sharp pains in my neck and dull aches all over.  I started to lift my arm and noticed it was restrained by my side.  The other arm, as well and both my legs were held tightly with leather straps in what I realized was a hospital bed.

“Kasey, what, what is going on?  "What is this?”

“Shhhhhh.  Darling, dear, you mustn’t use your strength, you’ve been asleep for a long time.”  Kasey’s hair was straight and dyed nearly black, with red tint showing through it.  Her eye makeup was dark and she wore black pants and a pinkish top that was dark and low cut with a camisole covering her small breasts.  She looked disheveled and dirty.  I had to have been dreaming.  These were not her clothes, this was not Kasey, no, something is very wrong here.

“Okay, listen, um, okay.  What’s happening?  Kasey, is that you?”

Her neck cocked back as she looked up with a sudden, cackling laugh.  "Oh, darling, darling, how adorable you are.  You’ve been out for several days, it may take awhile for you to come all the way back.“  She giggled a high pitched little laugh and began humming.  She stood at the foot of the bed and lifted up her top, revealing a small tattoo over her navel.  "Look, darling, look at our tattoo.”  It was an “A” tangled with thorns and a dagger through it with blood dripping from the blade.

My eyes widened in horror and I felt something like needles everywhere at once as fear swept physically through my body.  I watched silently as she crawled onto me, straddling me over the sheets, then pulled her top and camisole off together, leaving a black bra.  Her eyes stayed on me and her hands moved to her breasts, where there was a crystal shaped vial, which she unscrewed.  She tapped out a small bit of brownish powder into a spoon, then leaned over to the table to reach a dropper top from a bottle, which she dripped into the spoon.

“Oh, my fuck, Kasey, NO.  Do NOT do this!”

I pulled at my restraints frantically and bucked around with all my might.  My eyes were clenched shut and at the moment I opened them, I saw Kasey’s hand flying across my face, landing a powerful, stinging slap.  It was so hard, that my eyes greyed out for a couple seconds.  Dizzy, I stopped bucking and looked at her.  "Athan.  We’re married now.  I’m your bride.  You’re my husband.  I’m the queen of this place now, and you my king.“  She paused to watch me process this mind boggling nonsense.

"Kasey,”  I stammered and looked at the spoon.  "I don’t want that.“

"Oh, baby, this is our honeymoon champagne.  You’ll like it, I promise.”

I felt an erection building strong under the sheets.  I liked this kind of thing.  But in fantasy only.  My cock unfortunately couldn’t tell the difference.

She tied a belt around my left arm tight and then I just watched helplessly as she cooked up the contents of the spoon with a small torch.  She pulled the table over closer, which I just realized was on wheels.  Holy hell, this place was a hospital room in a dungeon.  She put a syringe into the spoon and I watched as the needle drank it up when she pulled it back.

"Now, my king.  I am your servant, your queen and bride.  I’ll let you taste first.”  She pressed the needle tip through my skin and pushed forth the warm drugs into my vein.  I closed my eyes and waited for it to do its job.  I felt a mellow, brownish gold wave take me away.  Like my soul was pulled gently from my body and I was left in either one or the other.  I could hear K taking care of herself, but I didn’t care anymore.  Had I just called her K?  My eyes opened and I heard the syringe drop on the metal table, clanging against the other items, but it didn’t sound like anything at all.

“Tell me you love me, Athan.”

“Kasey, beautiful Kasey.  It’s you, it’s always you.  I love you, I love you forever.”  The words came out of me automatically, slow and dripping, but sure and unstoppable.  Sheets pulled away, I felt myself inside of her now and she felt like love.  Like heaven, like everything I had ever wanted, all at the same time.  As she rocked up and down on me, I slid in and out of her moaning “Oh, how I love you Kasey,” over and over.  My eyes locked in hers telling her I loved her and meaning it like I’ve never meant anything before.  I thought I’d never need to say any other words again but love, forever, and her name.

She stared at me with loving, possessive eyes and I listened to her moans rise like a choir of angels.  She was in of me, all of her, and all of me in her.  We were god and goddess and everything was ours.  The whole universe celebrated every whisper and moan, every note of her angelic voice as it rose to a crescendo.  I approached climax and noticed that I was spilling into her, warm and my body tensing and relaxing at the same time with an orgasm that did not seem to end.  A heightened cry slipped from her lips and I watched her face fall away from herself as she came with me.

*** 

[deepsubmission]

The Boar

A full moon is as good a setting as any, but tonight was not a full moon

I went out under its pale light with the axe and waded through the marshes

If you notice the moon is not full, maybe nothing spectacular will happen, good or bad

Right hand gripping the handle, heavy iron dragging behind me through wet grasses and mud

It’s not me who does this, I’m playing the part of someone else

The boar, oblivious, rummaging along the trail of a smaller animal, never saw me coming

Hunter hunted and so forth

I stood and stared at his thick back and legs, snorting and digging horrendously, beautifully

I stood watching, and my eyes became wet with tears

And then, in an instant, it turned and was upon me

Ferociously whining and slashing itself recklessly around my legs

My thigh is slashed, blood pouring down my leg, warm into my boot

Somehow I remain standing

Both hands on the handle, this isn’t what I wanted

But the beast, gone as quickly as it had attacked, went scrambling unseen toward the tree line

Shaking, my body now leaning on the axe as a crutch, I wept

And smiled

[deepsubmission]

Open War Inside Your Own Heart

One last day of comfort, I will be absorbing as much relaxation as possible.  There is a council tomorrow, of which I am the only member.  I have called myself to duty, in order to awaken the warrior king to what is at the bottom of this down hill slide, if I continue to careen downward along dirt and rubble.

Tina’s my girl, she’s the one who soothes me in all kinds of situations, so why not a war?  I sit down like any other Tuesday.  She asks me things like "Are you needing a shave today, Shaw?  Is this for a date or a special occasion?"  I have been trained to appear comfortable when I'm not, but Tina's questions and innocent demeanor disarm me.  I fidget and she tells me to be still, asks me about the Watershed territory, the Marshlands, Coastlands, and the Highlands.  She's a servant to the one true king, but knows I travel and defend these minor regions.  Up until recently, most of the work has consisted of ranger duties, stewarding the land, enforcing small rules with little force.

One of the most effective battle tactics is proper utilization of the spy. A double agent, if allowed in deeply will thoroughly and completely destroy. What if an enemy were allowed access to the deepest and most hidden places of your own heart. What then, Shaw? No amount of tarrying and slashing can touch her now, unless you obliterate your own heart. And you don’t want that, do you?

#tbc

#spilled ink

#war

#warfare

#spy

#heart

[deepsubmission]

The deep night, when the crickets release their grip and we tumble into silence

The sound of deafening emptiness in the room where the fire was

Newspaper and tinder glow orange along the edges against black

There’s a horror at the door

And you, why are you still here?

The broken promise of a girl says to the uninvited

I entered the crossfire willingly, so either evict or end me

There’s a horror at the door

[deepsubmission]

Of Trees and Missing Lovers

Dreaming in deep wood.  What do you see?  The trees are still green, the undergrowth tangled and heavy.  The early sunlight beams descend at a sharp angle, a rich golden fan opening through tall pines.  Brown leaves and needles carpet the path, where there is one.  They crunch dry underfoot, and my companion and I step through the woods carefully on the way to somewhere.  Where exactly, he wonders as he follows me.  And why, I wonder.  If two people speak telepathically in the the forest, does anyone hear?

The trees hear, they always do.  And we hear them, of course.  Lately they've warned us of threats lazily, slow and leisurely for some reason.  Thus far this has not caused us harm, but has stolen the peace we initially carried.  If we can't rely on the trees, we have no advantage, and no chance really.  Unless...

The girl, yes, the next step in the quest is the girl. 

Isthedraagonthegirlisthegirlthedragon??

I haven't seen her since the day of the fall.  The day I let go of it all and toppled literally from atop the safehouse to the harsh outer world.  Though outer world is not correct, as this is not in any way an outer world.  But outside of the lodge and its protection.

That was over three years ago.  I have the feeling that she will return.  Maybe at the point when I display a small increase of wisdom, some evidence of the restoration they claim to be possible here.  I can see her sometimes.  In a tightly woven and well hidden nest of thorns high in the trees.  Glimpses of her, on guard in her part of the woodland.

My thoughts are interrupted abruptly as the trees begin their low chattering.  It is a pleading.  I've heard it once before.  They told me to hide, not to look  Though I would want to, and would love what I saw.

[deepsubmission]

Song of Songs

He searches for her at each reincarnation, all of his days desperate until he finds her 

In this life he found her too late. She had joined with another lover, an intoxicating dark star dripping smooth words like honey.

He: See, I picked a white violet for you

She: Oh, you know too much, you know too much

He: How I adore your garden, its river, its chapel, its tree, its cliffs

She: Each fox is me

He: I hear the River speak your name and it feels like love

She: The Eastern fork is of pure blood, the Four streams converge over my soul

He: Come, steal away with me. We’ll drink deep of love and tell each other secrets.

She: My hair feels like warm rain when it falls on your chest

He: I’ve covered our bed with lilacs and ribbons, meet me tonight

She: My lover calls, I must go

[deepsubmission]

Oh Moon

Devour me, oh Moon, it's you I love best

The sun shines on both of us and we reflect our love for each other

Drink deep of our potion, sweet death will make us immortal

Not yet, let's murder the universe, strangle it's galaxies with anti-science

Flatten the stars onto a single plane and burn it

I am larger than the sun

Look, he's a black hole consuming all other black holes

I eat time and spit light years

I ravage the nebulas with a swirl of my tongue

I wipe the stars into the void with my scaly tail

I couldn't wait for eternity so I made her come with Orion's belt

The multiverse is having a temper tantrum

I hold a séance with black matter and it erupts from my fingers

The moon takes my hands and places them behind my back seductively

I press in for a kiss and the moon pulls away

Hyaline handcuffs click, slowly securing me

Beautiful invisible glass, the whole of me becomes translucent

I am subdued, willingly

I'll be Samson, you be Delilah

Give me over to the Philistines, take me to my fate

My sex is a poor judge, and I am fooled into death

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

[deepsubmission]

Healers 5.2

I stood beside Lacy and rinsed dishes as she washed them, watching as her hands worked.  They’re a little on the thin side, not small but very feminine, her nails longish and unpainted.  She handled the dishes quickly but carefully and then handed them to me one by one.  There was a leisurely way about her, casual, but somehow precise and swift and it made me think about how I’ve really never seen her make a mistake.  She handles her life in this same manner, choosing correct paths, never appearing to stumble and never appearing to give things much thought.  Her face never showed the look of pained concentration or effort.  She was one of those people who made everything look easy.  It took me a little work to keep up with her and I was sure I must have looked clumsy next to her carrying out roughly the same task at the same speed.

Kasey was at my left with a towel drying the dishes and placing them on a rack under the cupboards.  She smiled and hummed through her chore merrily, though not with the same grace as Lacy.  “Going to be a full moon tonight,” she announced musically to no one in particular.  “Always makes me alert,” I said.  “Awake and aware.  I always feel cautious anticipation in the air.  On my neck and arms, like I can feel the hair growing.”

Lacy stopped washing for a second and waited.  She knew who would speak next.  “You should pay more attention to that, A,” began Leah.  I turned my head slightly toward her voice, which was behind me near the big windows in the great room overlooking the valley.  “The things about you that you’ve noticed over the years tell your story.  They hold marvelous clues to who you are.  Who you are becoming.”

I sensed she had much more to say, but was holding things back to fit in the small doses that I was currently ready for.  “A full moon?  Is going to tell me who I am?”

“No, A.  Your feelings, your intuition.  Your experiences, everything that has led up to this exact point in time.  Pay attention, don’t let them slip away anymore without giving them proper notice.”

Lacy pulled the drain on her side of the sink and I rinsed the last bowl, passing it to Kasey.  I shook my hands dry and patted them on my jeans in several areas to spread the wetness apart so the spots would dry faster.  “We’ve got towels, you know,” chimed Kasey.  Lacy’s head dropped slightly and I saw the corner of her lip curl into a faint smile as she turned and walked back toward the dinner table.  She sat and poured red wine into a small glass with a cicada painted onto it.

I walked over to the big glass wall of windows and took in the view, standing next to Leah who was staring out into the distance.  She could have been anywhere just then.  I wondered what this sage girl was thinking.  I realized that if I stayed, I’d be thinking that thought quite a lot.  “How much do you know about us?”  She asked, her voice low.  I could almost feel her physically, though she was two feet away. “Well, I don’t know much, really.  I understand you do some pretty amazing things and that this is a kind of special place and that you guys do some kind of finding or helping or fixing through something involving… collective thought?  I’m sure that’s painfully wrong, but…”

“Stop.”  She paused and the whole room felt suddenly void, like a vacuum.  The air felt as though it had been pulled away from my body.  The lights seemed to dim and it contrasted with the remaining light outside, making it seem brighter on the other side of the windows.  The sun was large and had nearly reached the tree line in the distance as I looked outward into the valley.  The sky was colored with pale shades of orange and purple, with thinly scattered clouds spotting the panorama.  “Close your eyes.”  I did as she said and took a deep breath which seemed to flutter across my nerves as it entered my lungs.  “Now open.”  I did and felt breeze on my face coming from the valley.  The windows were gone.  I gasped and took a couple big steps back as I realized suddenly how far the drop was.

Leah remained still, her ever dilated pupils gazing forward as she stood a foot from what was now a very intimidating precipice.  “Athan.”

“Yes,” I said with hesitation.

“Get a running start. And jump.”

My heart shocked itself.  A prickly jolt shot through me.  Because while I didn’t know Leah very well, I knew she did not joke.  What happened next was different than anything I could ever remember, although it was completely familiar.  I turned calm.  A feeling came over me, a feeling or maybe a knowing.  I felt powerful.  I knew without doubt that there was a deep reservoir of strength of some kind within me.  And I understood in a flash what eternity meant.  My face went blank and I could feel my eyes narrowing and blood flow increasing in my whole head.  I probably looked like I was meditating, but I was fully lucid.  There remained in my being the feeling of pain.  There was still plenty of hurt.  It was confusing to have all this come upon me all at once and I had a brief thought of attempting to reconcile these things when I felt my legs moving, and fast.

I sprinted in four big steps and leaped as far as I could through the opening out toward the valley.  Out toward death that would meet me at the bottom.  I thought I might float away, or hoped I might.  But my body was heavy and gravity was pulling me.  In mid air my eyes closed and then opened again to see a deck being formed below me.  A board at a time shooting into place at lightning speed from God knows where.  My feet hit the solid deck that wasn’t there a second before and I fell and tumbled forward to a railing that was still being built even as I was rolling over the boards.  I came to a stop in utter shock and popped up to my feet, unharmed.

I looked around quickly, my eyes wide now like a little kid.  I let out a tribal scream as loud as I’ve ever yelled and dropped to my knees, arms raised, hands in tight fists.  I felt Leah’s footsteps coming up behind me and she went around me and leaned on the railing, giving me a giddy smile.  She pushed the railing open behind her as if it were on hinges.  Again, a huge drop.  Still just as intimidating, somehow.  She looked down at me, back to the valley with her feet on the very edge of the deck.  Something in me desperately wanted her to hold the part of the solid railing on either side of her.  She didn’t.  Instead, she took a step backward, while the deck formed underneath her foot.  Then another, and more deck to hold her up.  Then another, and another.  I noticed that the deck under her had cross beams to support the boards, but there was nothing holding it up.  She sat down at the edge without looking and folded her legs into her lap.  “C’mon,” she said and smiled again as she turned to let her legs dangle off the deck.  With that, she lifted herself up as if to drop off the deck and as she started to fall, a shiny, flat metal piece began to form.  Her bottom rested on it and it headed downward, a huge slide, and she was on it, racing into the valley.  I crawled forward and hopped on the slide, pursuing her.  She was in front of me and I heard her scream in delight.  My own exhilaration came over me and I let out let another adrenaline filled cry, echoing off the trees as I picked up speed down the slide.  We were absolutely racing, the valley a blur except what was in front of me, my eyes were watering from the wind speed and I could hardly see at all.

As I approached the bottom, I could see that the slide was going directly into, or rather onto the top of the river.  Leah’s body slowed as she hit the several inches covering the slide with the water spraying out to her sides and behind her.  She made it across to the shore where the river bends and I followed behind, shooting through the water and slowing to a stop on the sandy bank in front of her.

I stood up, partly in disbelief, but mostly excited.  I wanted to say something about how amazing that just was, but something about being in her presence made me hold my words.  She walked a few steps in silence and sat down, facing the river and the sun, which from down here was behind the trees.  I paced around, letting my electric energy cool down, admiring the massive trees and sound of moving water.  I looked up at the lodge, perched high upon the mountain and the slide that ran down it.  “How does it stay up?” I asked.  There aren’t enough supports to hold it in place.”

“Supports?  There’s plenty of support.  Just not the kind you’re used to seeing.  Belief can be stronger than wood and metal.”  She let the concept sink in and perhaps waited for another question, which I didn’t offer.  “Now, stop believing, and watch it all fall away.”  The slide and deck started to crumble.  I expected a thundering crash, but there was none.  Everything vanished from sight as it fell.  Part of me was sad, though I knew that wasn’t the lesson here.

“Keep looking, Athan.  Was it ever even there?  How did we get down here?”

I was blown away.  Actually, I was more like really bothered.  I paced around and kept looking back up the mountain at the lodge.  The smaller deck and stairs was still there and meandered all the way to the river a short distance from us.

“Athan.”

“Yea,” I responded in a soft, but blunt tone.

“You jumped.”

“I did?  What?”

“You jumped.  You jumped through the window.  Why?”

“God.  Oh, God.  Yea.  I sure did.  Why.  Yes, well I guess I didn’t think you guys would let me die on my first day here.”  She waited as if to let me know she wasn’t satisfied with that answer.  “And well, cause fuck it, that’s why.  Fuck it, Leah.  Part of me up there didn’t really care if I died.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“How do I feel now?  Ha.  Hell, I feel damn great.  Physiologically, I do.  But I can tell there’s shit in me that’s still there.  Lingering inside me.  It’s not gone.”

“Let’s go back up, Athan.”

“What, that’s it?”

“Your answers are here.  In you and around you.  This place will help you find them.  Understand that we don’t take your hand and drag you to what you need.  Keep paying attention.  Let yourself pour over what you’ve experienced today and what has been said.  Let yourself go into the places you’re hiding from.  Allow yourself the freedom to examine the things you know about yourself.  Full moons, petrified wood, pinned moths, red candles.  You know these things, you know what they are, but you need to find out what they’re for.”

[deepsubmission]

The Boar

A full moon is as good a setting as any, but tonight was not a full moon

I went out under its pale light with the axe and waded through the marshes

If you notice the moon is not full, maybe nothing spectacular will happen, good or bad

Right hand gripping the handle, heavy iron dragging behind me through wet grasses and mud

It’s not me who does this, I’m playing the part of someone else

The boar, oblivious, rummaging along the trail of a smaller animal, never saw me coming

Hunter hunted and so forth

I stood and stared at his thick back and legs, snorting and digging horrendously, beautifully

I stood watching, and my eyes became wet with tears

And then, in an instant, it turned and was upon me

Ferociously whining and slashing itself recklessly around my legs

My thigh is slashed, blood pouring down my leg, warm into my boot

Somehow I remain standing

Both hands on the handle, this isn’t what I wanted

But the beast, gone as quickly as it had attacked, went scrambling unseen toward the tree line

Shaking, my body now leaning on the axe as a crutch, I wept

And smiled

[deepsubmission]

Mexico

Deep into a bottle of tequila, looking for answers, but not too hard. This place is dark and dusty like everything down here. Dust and haze don’t need any help from tequila. The last time here... I smile into my glass and pour another. Golden fire. Maybe releasing inhibition will release the truth. Because I usually avoid truth at all cost. Truth traded for pleasant fiction, definitions for gut instinct.

The last time here it was on the downhill side of love. The car broke down in a little fishing town on the peninsula. In the village I arranged for car repairs and when I came back to get her she was on a picnic table teaching Catholic prayers to a little girl in a green dress.

Everything she did was magical like that. How can anyone hold a woman like her? No one can. I definitely couldn’t. But this is a business trip. No, it’s a fucking quest. I understood that I was thinking sloppily, but I need this documented. I’ve put forth too much setup into this with little actual purpose. So yes. Where are we headed here? American dollars can go a long way in Mexico until you reveal that you have them. And if you have a penchant for drugs and drink, well then. Well then you end up in the corner of a cheap bar mumbling “una cerveza y una tequila” over and over again until your wallet is empty. At a certain point, I realized I was no longer drinking myself out of despair, but drinking for despair. That I didn't even want her back, I was just hooked on the feeling of being empty and vacant inside. Addicted to the mix of brain chemicals that resulted when I went over and over every single mundane memory of her, just to feel pain. A very specific, sadistic brand of pain. The bartender flicks the lights off and on again. It is my signal to go home, the last remaining customer. I stand, wobbling and leave a handful of bills on the table without counting. I shuffle out with my head down, breathing, I think. I look up to meet his knowing nod, and slip out into the deserted streets.

[deepsubmission]

Pale Horse Joust

The grip of a stung gull leaves nothing where it was, where it was.

Hammers on one side, feathers and poetry on the other.

The end was foretold and all that is left now is to fill the story lines with detail of the duel. Two brothers, both gone far astray, one or none will remain.

Where’s the demented sage? His commentary would be useful now, highly entertaining.  Bring back Pale! they chanted.  Hairs stand on top of goose bumps in anticipation.  The law will summon him if it is indeed true.

A beam of light shines down.  We see nothing, the light remains.  The seers see, the believers believe.  Here he is, he’s been right here all along.  Necks careen, and the seers see.

Pity is for the weak, self loathing is the most pathetic symptom to be exhibited, he proclaims. Buckets of rain douse the the stage, the antagonist withers, vanishes into the ground.

It is just what he wants. Attention and fuel for an ego meant to be extinguished a long time ago. It was an experiment, now threats keep him alive.  If the world cannot refrain of disdain for even one hour, he shall remain eternal in his vortex, unharmed.

Mouth open, every drop from the waterfall devoured. Become rage, Athan, become rage.

[deepsubmission]

Ghostly visions, are there any other kind

Wretched lover standing, bloodied knife in her hand

Hate me, though you might

You won’t kill me

I’m the ghost in your head tonight

[deepsubmission]

You're not doing anything, let's pretend we're in love

Do the things lovers might do

Talk about our dreams

Listen to records

Recite poetry

Lie on the grass and gaze at cloud formations

Read each other's palms

Collect wildflowers and put them in a vase

Gaze into each other's eyes

Kiss

And then pretend it never happened

Pretend really hard

What is the good in goodbye?

We're both still here. And besides,

Nothing happened.

[deepsubmission]

The Big Uncandy Mountain

In the Big Rock Candy Mountains There's a land that's fair and bright Where the handouts grow on bushes And you sleep out every night

Where the boxcars all are empty And the sun shines every day And the birds and the bees And the cigarette trees

The lemonade springs Where the bluebird sings In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

Harry went on and on like this, listing off the great aspects of a utopian hobo world where everything was free and only good things happened.

Shut up Harry. That's not what we're talking about. It's Uncanny Mountain, you jackass. We're talking Das Unheimlich, remember, Freud talked about how scenic and beautiful...

OHHHH, sure, YOU"RE sophisticated if you mention Freud, I'm just a simpleton who quotes ole timey tunes that doesn't get to offer opinions.

Harry, don't interrupt me, you only like that song because you heard it in Oh Brother.

Yea? Yea? Well, yea, but it still doesn't make your comment acceptable. I'll bet you'd shut the hell up of I brought up Questionable Research Practices and statistical patterns of the Uncanny p-Mountains. And how low power is not a sufficient explanation for them. Statistically speaking.

They argue long into the night and eventually slip and tumble down the uncanny mountain to their death.

[deepsubmission]

A Girl, A River

Susurrations, perforations of the heart

Tiny tears in arterial walls

Broken heart, broken lungs

The place where we used to go, the place where she was

It doesn’t exist anymore, it’s over kid.

Go home.

Her name whispers like a river

She is the river

[deepsubmission]

Little Birds

Whose feathers shall we ruffle?

Fluffy pink and green cotton

Slicked back down with pomade

Remember who did this to you