🍃Asher Muses🍃

she/they 🤓 asher of the Pussy Pact Creations writer, stoner, hopelessly hopeless 30 | MDNI

[defenseless-writer]

a common theme in my life is people being “not ready” to love me or they’re afraid to love me. why is loving me so difficult, so scary? i truly thought the monsters i hid so well were tended to, given their water and food and healing. so then why is it so scary to love me?

those monsters while healed and hidden aren’t ones to attack others. no, they’re to attack me. you’re not the one in danger. no i am. i’m the one who is battling my own demons, my own monsters. you don’t have to battle them for me. they’re not for you to fight. i’m not for you to fight.

maybe what they need is love too. all of us just need a little tending to. we don’t bite. not anymore. there’s such little fight in us for others. the only fight we have is for ourself.

and maybe thats what i need to focus on. my monsters, my demons, my heart, my fight. no one else need tend to me. i can tend to myself. i won’t need him. not forever. not even now do i need him. i just wanted a forever with him, with the promises he so brazenly brandished. but those are nonexistent; null and void. just another void from another boy.

just another void so a new monster has a place at the table. welcome aboard, new monster. it’s a long table of monsters, of demons, of voids waiting to be filled by more of them.

i’m exhausted.

[defenseless-writer]

an “i don’t know”???? all of that for an i don’t know. i don’t know if i love you. i don’t know if i want you. i don’t know.

well i knew. i knew i loved you. i knew i wanted you. but i also know i deserve better than an “i don’t know”. from someone who was so certain i was his just to let it fizzle out.

“do you think we’ll always be like this?” i had hope we would. i had hope you were it. this love that was comforting and feral and felt like home. i had hope.

you gave up on us. and for that, i’ll never forgive you, never let you back into my life because i deserve better than an “i don’t know”

[defenseless-writer]

never (for us)

in quiet hours

in the beginnings of twilight

that splash of hues

thats where i saw you

thats where we belonged

both day and night

both sun and moon

you were my moon

i was never your well. anything

i was never what you held dear

i was never what you wanted near

yet thats all i ever wanted

all i convinced myself that one day you would too

that day never came

and now i know it never will

that these colors i’ve imagined for us

are just pigments of a figment of my imagination

that this twilight has ended and night has fallen

that this was never for me

this was never for you

this was never for us

[defenseless-writer]

less (go find)

a balance beam of too much

and not enough

i’m chemically imbalanced and need that

extra hint of validation

that extra hint of attention

because i’m just extra

and if i’m extra and too much

go find fucking less

don’t make me sit here

waiting by the phone

trying to guess

go find fucking less

i’m not the kind to play games

i’m not the kind to know to mind through these fields of kinds of mines that take all the time and to take that time is absolutely fine but i need a life line, any kind of sign that in that mind in that field of mines you’re still mine

and the flames may rise and the mines may fire off the sparks that were setting us and maybe those sparks died out and maybe this fire was all in my mind and the minefield was a protection i built and maybe the sparks were fading and the mines placed are all actually mine

though i don’t mind the field of mines because thats never in my kind of mind that you could just give the words and not a sign that you’re done being mine

[defenseless-writer]

who would i be

who would i be

who would i be

if you loved me

constantly on guard

got everyone on watch

arms length away

away all the hurt

away all the curt

answers and

questions and

remarks that just aren’t remarkable but with you?

who would i be

who would i be

who would i be

if you loved me

i’d be higher than before

lower than the floor

but in the right ways

because

even bright days

can go sideways

and sideways

can go all the way

into arms length

but with enough strength

through breakthroughs

and breakouts

and breakups

but with you?

who would i be

who would i be

who would i be

if you loved me

same soul new person

same name

same number

of problems

of never solving them

only enumerating them

same forms of solitude

away from my attitude

but with you

who would i be

who would i be

who would i be

if you loved me

would it be rainbows and sunshine

or would it be cloudy days that are mine

and yours because to be yours is sunshine

and cloudy days

and rain drops on windows racing towards the ground

the way my heart races when you say my name

same name

same soul

new person

[pussypactcreations]

Perceived (loved)

It feels like finding hidden doors in ordinary days, like laughing at a thought you heard before I found the phrase. A quiet kind of magic lives in how we seem to be, You know the parts I’ve never said, yet somehow, still see me.

We meet between the lines of things, in half finished ideas, in glances full of meaning and in perfectly timed tears. As if the world grew softer just to let our minds align, and left a trail of golden threads connecting yours and mine.

There’s comfort in the way we don’t have to explain a thing…Like birds of a feather that change direction midair on the same wing.

And somehow, in that knowing, there’s a warmth that lingers on, a gentle kind of love that stays, no matter where we’ve gone. Not loud, not heavy, just a light that quietly proves it’s true, now I feel a little more like home each time I’m known by you.

- Jules

For the most Lovable Asher

[defenseless-writer]

less (go find)

a balance beam of too much

and not enough

i’m chemically imbalanced and need that

extra hint of validation

that extra hint of attention

because i’m just extra

and if i’m extra and too much

go find fucking less

don’t make me sit here

waiting by the phone

trying to guess

go find fucking less

i’m not the kind to play games

i’m not the kind to know to mind through these fields of kinds of mines that take all the time and to take that time is absolutely fine but i need a life line, any kind of sign that in that mind in that field of mines you’re still mine

and the flames may rise and the mines may fire off the sparks that were setting us and maybe those sparks died out and maybe this fire was all in my mind and the minefield was a protection i built and maybe the sparks were fading and the mines placed are all actually mine

though i don’t mind the field of mines because thats never in my kind of mind that you could just give the words and not a sign that you’re done being mine