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@deliciouslydepraved
If my blog, it’s contents, or me interacting with you makes you uncomfortable, please let me know. Your comfort and well being are important, and I respect that. My blog will consist of my kinks, fantasies, writing, and occasionally some venting/trauma related posts. If you’re taking the time to read this, hello! Thank you. If you need someone to talk to, vent to, or just a friend, I encourage you to reach out. -💙🐻🖤
Dealing with imposter syndrome because "Yeah you've been dealing with some shit the last couple of years but it's not because of covid so stop complaining" is an experience
May, 2020, I was ghosted by the first person who genuinely showed me love. Who knew all of the demons that haunt me. Saw every crack from the times I've been broken and had to glue myself back together. Despite that, she left without a word. No goodbye. No closure. No explanation. Left just as everyone else had done. But the fact this was my first healthy relationship made it so much worse. I had finally found what I had been looking for, for so long. And that was taken away from me too.
Anxiety attacks and mental breakdowns made me lose months. I don't remember them. I don't know if I should remember them.
I've tried to find new people to bring into my life, friends or otherwise. Friends leave because I just don't have the energy to hold up my fair side of socializing. It's not fair to expect anyone else to take up the excess burden. And nobody would want to for how little I have to offer. When I seek romantic or sexual connections, I have only have a short moment of desire for those connections that lead me to seek it, only for all thoughts to shift back to "I could have had this with her" "I want this with her" "This is what we had" "This is what I lost", and those completely overpower anything else. It would not be fair to anyone to have them as my partner if that is what fills my head.
August 2020. As I started to get some vague description of cognitive function back, the only local friend I had that had been trying to support me through all of this ghosted me too. Not a word. Not a goodbye. No closure. They've since, this July, texted me once, while very drunk. They still wouldn't tell me why they did it. They blocked me again after that.
Autumn rolled in, seasonal affective assumed it's post. Spring 2021 came, and the weight it brought never left as it usually would. It still hasn't.
March 2021. My most recent roommate, S, goes silent. I assume it's mental health related, we've talked a lot about our trauma in the past. I give them space. Rent doesn't come through. April. Rent doesn't come through. Silence. May. Rent doesn't come through. Silence. I knock on their bedroom door and say "If there is any reason at all that you aren't okay with me opening the door and coming in, give me any kind of audible response. Words, claps, anything." No response. I open the door. The majority of their things are gone. The old computer I had loaned them is gone. No notes. No word. No paperwork to get their name off of the lease. They left without a word about why, or where they went. They're still on the lease. They owe me thousands of dollars in rent that I and my remaining roommate have been paying in their stead so we don't lose the roof over our heads. We can't move someone new in because B's name is still on the lease and we need their signature to sign someone else on. After trying to sort things out between us, and getting no response, I've sought legal, enforceable action. With her location completely unknown, I can't serve papers, and the case is at a standstill. Police won't help. Skip tracers and process servers won't respond to me because I don't have enough info. I can't get information about them or their family from building management because they aren't legally allowed to provide that to me without a subpoena. I have two courses of action. Currently, I have hired a private investigator thanks to the extremely gracious financial help I have received. They can't find her either. With some joint effort, we've located B's mom, and the man she's living with. We don't know if B is staying with them. It's either that B is staying with them and hiding, not putting their name on any paperwork so they can't be tracked, or they're hiding in my city still doing the same. The second option is contacting the ministry. B is on disability assistance. If I let the government know that B is signed onto a lease and not paying rent, some sort of action will be taken. I don't know what action, but I know it won't be insignificant. I consider this the nuclear option and I don't want to take it. But currently that's seeming like all I have left. The PI has graciously offered to extend the search to phase 2 free of charge, understanding my situation. He is looking into B's mom's partner, and seeing if he can figure out if B is with them.
November 2021. Friday, the 19th. Other roommate, M, lets me know they're home from work early feeling unwell, and they're taking a bath. (Shared bathroom, we let one another know if we're using it for a bath/shower as a courtesy) We are both very solitary people. We mostly keep to our rooms, communicate online, play games sometimes, and chat when we bump into one another in the kitchen. We're fine and comfortable with this. I didn't seem them over the weekend. Monday 22nd. Police knock on my bedroom door. They inform me that they had to cut the chain lock on our door to gain access. Family had called in a wellness check for M. I point them to her door. They knock, enter, and she's there. Responds. Talks to them. Paramedics arrive, check on her. Everything seems okay, but she seems groggy. This could have been because she just woke up, but they want to be safe and take her to the hospital to check on her. I didn't hear anything from her until 2 days ago. M had a stroke and a major brain bleed. She had been in the ICU for the majority of the time she's been gone. Her family called me and asked to stop by and grab some things for her like her phone, spare glasses, shoes, some clothes. M is going to stay at the hospital to be taken care of while recovering. She's okay. Memory is bad. Groggy. Family said "She's still M", which we're all extremely thankful for. They don't know how much recovery there is to be made currently, we're all trying to keep optimistic. But ultimately, we don't know if M is going to be coming back here. She may ultimately end up impaired enough to be considered legally disabled. If things don't get much better, they would understandably prefer if M stayed with them to make sure she's taken care of. Something that I'm not qualified to do, and can't be provided here. They've said they would try to get M's share of rent for December through. I haven't gotten it yet. I don't know when, or if I will. I don't know if there's a 2022 with M. I don't know if there's a January with M.
Abandoned. Abandoned. Abandoned. And now the world is trying to take M away from her family and I.
I haven't had time to breathe. I haven't had time to cope with any of this. I haven't had time to heal. I'm tired. I'm alone. Walls are closing in around me and I can't see any relief in sight. I have nobody. I have nothing.
I don't feel like I'm allowed to vent, or otherwise talk about any of this because none of it has anything to do with Covid. Covid hasn't hit me anywhere. So I'm blessed, right?
What good is there in telling anyone? What good is there in bringing up the state I'm in when people ask how I am, or how I've been? There's Covid in the world, I'm just going to throw mud at a parade that's already being rained on.
How do you explain that you quite literally don't remember the last time you felt alive without sounding hyperbolic? How do you explain that you're not at the end of your rope because a long time ago someone cut the rope and left you with some frayed threads without sounding melodramatic? How do you express that you genuinely believe that someone compassionately wrapping their arms around you and holding you would break you down without sounding like you're throwing a pity party?
How do you exist as someone suffering without being called pathetic as you always have been?
How do you heal from Trauma you've suffered from for so long that you're intimately familiar with it, and the only way past it is to "Experience things being different for once" when that's completely out of your own hands?
I've got nothing. I've got nobody. The only place I can afford to live on my own has a long waiting list and I've already been waiting for years with no signs of something opening up. The few friends I have aren't qualified or capable of dealing with all of this and it's not fair to dump it on them.
I fear death more than I could ever grow tired of living. If you've read this far, know that I'm not going to hurt myself or take my own life, or even attempt to. It just... My candle is flickering in an empty room, and quite frankly I don't know how much longer it'll be before it goes out.
How do I explain that worse still, I have reason to believe that my candle going out wouldn't make anyone's room darker, without making myself and others feel like I'm throwing guilt trips out to anyone that would hear it?
I'm tired.
I want a hug.
I want to matter.
I want to be deserving of care and affection from someone who isn't going to leave. I want the opportunity to heal so I'm not a burden that nobody should have to deal with.
I want to be loved as much as I desire to love someone.
I don't want to be alone anymore.
I don't want to be tired anymore.
I want a boy who worships me like i worship him. I am his everything, just as he is mine. Please. Demand my affections, melt at my touch. I want to love you! Let me love you, please please please
Mental health took a dip tonight, some demons decided they needed to come up and remind me of a few things. I’m going to try to sleep. Will I be able to? 🤷♂️
Reblog if there’s someone on Tumblr you want to fuck and distance is a cockblock.
I literally wanna kiss someone’s warm pussy through their panties so bad right now, and move the panties to the side and start eating her out while i add pressure on her clit.
What abusers believe.
If you’ve ever had to deal with an abusive person in your life - like an abusive parent or partner - you’ve probably wondered what made them treat you that way. If you understand why abuse is happening, the thinking goes, you might be able to figure out how to make it stop.
So why do abusers do what they do? Do they have anger issues? Drinking problems? Past trauma? Personality disorders? Do they just need to get in touch with their feelings and learn how to communicate better?
Nope.
Abusive behaviours come from abusive beliefs. Abusers - whether consciously or unconsciously - hold specific beliefs about relationships that drive their behaviour and allow them to justify the horrible things they do. Even if your abuser has never put their beliefs into words, you’ll probably recognize a lot of these abusive beliefs:
You are responsible for my emotions. It is never my responsibility to reflect on my emotional reactions or learn better coping skills - it’s your responsibility to stop doing things that make me angry or upset.
I must act on my emotions. If I am angry, I am going to lash out. You have no right to criticize me for that, and it’s not my responsibility to learn to manage my emotions - you have to stop making me lash out at you. Asking me not to act on my emotions is controlling and wrong.
You will always be responsible for my emotions. Even if the relationship ends, you will continue to be responsible for my emotions, and I will expect you to continue to prioritize my feelings.
If I have feelings about something, it’s my business. If something you do or think causes an emotional reaction in me, then I have a right to get involved or tell you what to do. My feelings must be the priority. You don’t have the right to tell me that it’s none of my business.
You must judge me on my intentions, not my actions. If I didn’t mean to hurt you or scare you, then you don’t have the right to be hurt or scared. No one has the right to try to hold me accountable unless I meant to hurt someone.
I get to decide what your intentions were. If you hurt me, you meant to hurt me. If you make me jealous, you meant to make me jealous. Nothing you do is ever accidental or unintended - everything you do is intentional and malicious, even if it was a response to something I did.
My feelings are genuine; your feelings are manipulation. If I’m upset, my feelings are real and important. If you are upset, you have an ulterior motive - you’re just trying to be manipulative and get attention or sympathy for yourself.
You have freedoms because I allow you to. Every freedom you have in your life - like wearing what you want - it’s because I generously allow it. I expect you to be grateful to me for that. I have the right to take those freedoms away whenever I want, and I expect you to obey.
If you set boundaries with me, you are mistreating me. If you really loved me, you wouldn’t set boundaries with me. You are doing this to intentionally hurt me, which means I don’t have to respect those boundaries.
You holding me accountable for hurting you is worse than me hurting you. My pain at being called out is worse than your pain at being mistreated. If I feel bad about something I did, I have already been punished enough. You trying to discuss the issue or hold me accountable is just your way of abusing me.
If I apologized for something, you have to forgive me. If the relationship has ended, you have to reconcile with me. You don’t get to ask for more time apart or more discussion of the issue - once I’ve apologized, the matter is closed for good.
The relationship is not over until I say it is over. So long as I want a relationship with you, you must have a relationship with me. Your feelings are irrelevant. Even if we have broken up, you must remain available to me so we can get back together in the future. Not wanting a relationship with me means you are mistreating me or being immature.
I am the authority in this relationship. I am smarter and more perceptive than you. I know what is best for both of us. My version of events is always the correct one. I have superior judgement, taste and opinions. If you question me or disagree with me after I’ve given you the correct answer, you are disrespecting and mistreating me, or you are simply immature and incapable of knowing what’s good for you.
I have the right to control you. It is my absolute right to decide what you do and who you associate with. You have no right to disobey me. I am owed obedience and control; if you don’t give me those things, you are wronging me and cheating me out of the relationship I deserve.
If you resist my control, I am allowed to do whatever I think is necessary to get it back. Once you’ve resisted me, I am justified in whatever I do to regain control of you. I am not responsible for my actions when you resist my control; you forced me to do it, and it’s your own fault.
I should be your main focus. Everything else in your life comes secondary to me. When you make decisions, my feelings should be your first consideration. You are expected to make sacrifices for me and put me at the center of your life; I am not obligated to do the same for you.
If I spend money on you or do something for you, you are in debt to me. You spending money on me or doing things for me does not erase your debt to me, and I am never in debt to you. You are indebted to me for as long as I decide. I may decide that your belongings and earnings also belong to me, since I allow you to have them. I may also decide at any time that you owe me for gifts I gave you, even if they were meant to be gifts.
I am not abusive, and you are not allowed to tell me otherwise. I know what abuse is, and real abusers are significantly worse than me. If our relationship has ever had any good times or positive moments, it can’t possibly be abusive. If you accuse me of being abusive, you are the one abusing me, or you have been led astray by bad influences.
Relationships should be effortless (for me). I am owed a relationship that is peaceful and requires no real effort from me. It is your job to make sure we have that kind of relationship. If there is any tension or conflict in the relationship, it is your fault, and you are depriving me of the relationship I deserve to have.
Abusers and victims alike often buy into the narrative that abuse is rooted in anger issues - after all, abusers are frequently angry, and anger is an issue that can be treated. But this narrative just isn’t true. Abusers aren’t abusive because they are angry. Abusers are angry because they are abusive.
A non-abusive partner is not someone who has learned how to control their rage whenever you spend time with your friends or get home 15 minutes late from work. A non-abusive partner just doesn’t feel any rage in those situations. An abuser’s rage is firmly rooted in their beliefs about relationships - they feel entitled to a relationship that meets their impossible expectations, and when they inevitably don’t get it, they bubble over with fury. Whether they know it or not, they have firmly entrenched beliefs about how relationships should be, and those beliefs are at the heart of their abuse.
Can abusers stop believing these things? Maybe. If they can acknowledge that they have these beliefs, accept that these beliefs are dangerous and unreasonable and let go of these beliefs, maybe it’s possible for them to no longer be abusive in the future. Maybe. But it’s not your job to hang around and find out. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any kind, you deserve better. There are many people in this world who don’t hold abusive views of relationships, and you deserve to find happiness with them.
I reblogged this before w/o adding any comments because it is just so good. But in the back of my mind I had wanted to highlight that if you, like me, were raised by an emotional abuser, you were probably taught a lot of these things are “normal.” They’re not.
That’s not your fault that happened. God, I really wish it never happened, alas being taught this stuff is sooooo commonplace. But, it very much our responsibilities as adults now to unlearn the toxic narratives that we did not consent to inheriting.
We can do it, too.
Read the list again. Read it any time you need it. The steer away from these beliefs. This stuff isn’t just about romantic relationships. We can be so much better than where we came from. I promise. ❤️❤️
Never let me forget that I’m yours. Grab my jaw just to see me melt into your hand. Randomly ask me who owns me just to hear it out of my mouth. Run your hands down my body just as a reminder of what belongs to you. Tell me no just because when I ask about something small. Give me the little smirk when I’m acting completely obsessed with you that lets me know that’s exactly how I’m supposed to be 💕
friendly reminder that if i have ever befriended you and have not spoken to you in a while it’s nothing you’ve done wrong it’s just because i’m a piece of shit at keeping in contact with people and i still love you okay good
no one ever seems to be scared of losing me
Nothing quite like waking up to find that the person who was suspiciously overenthusiastic about talking to you last night has ghosted you. Blocked, URL changed, the whole shebang. Mhmm. Thanks. That’s just what I needed.
creepy perverted girls with disgusting fantasies are just angels ✨
A glass that pushes cat off of counters
This is it. Peak humor
