delirum et decorum est

augustus rookwood || if there's a fire you're trying to douse you can't put it out from inside of the house

[marinalim]

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Madina Lake - House Of Cards 

[dailybellamyblake]

Now, when you feel afraid, you hold tight to that knife and you say, ‘screw you. I’m not afraid.

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

docdearborn:

“There’s a difference between not hating someone and trusting them,” Caradoc pointed out. “You could hate someone and still know they’re going to have your back in a fight.” Of course, he didn’t know anyone like that. There weren’t many people that he hated, or people that he trusted with his life. However he knew that the two weren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. Maybe being part of a team of Protectors would change that.

The quarantine measures were something that he could probably talk about for hours, given his ideas on how to improve them and how to avoid them entirely. He didn’t want to bore Augustus to death but he couldn’t help himself when someone asked a direct question linked to his ideas and theories. “Of course there is,” he replied, his face splitting into a wide grin. “That’s how I know I’m immune. The people that are immune don’t have enough in common for it to be a result of food or environment; it has to be something about our physiology. I tested my blood with a live sample of the virus.” That had been a simpler time though, and not in a facility like the Underground. “The virus couldn’t attach to my cells; it died.” He’d felt quite proud of the finding at the time and would have implemented it at the clinic he’d been working at if the clinic hadn’t fallen apart under Death Eater raids.

Caradoc knew that a person’s immunity status could be very handy information to have. Protectors wouldn’t have to be weighed down by gas masks and unnecessary extra clothing. They could move people through quarantine; just give them a clean and send them on their way into the facility. It also wasn’t a process that was going to be implented any time soon. In the clinic they were already in an area exposed to the virus and therefore a sample of the virus hadn’t posted any more of a threat than the air they were breathing, but down in the Underground it was too much of a risk.

“It’s too hard to replicate down here though,” he explained with a forlorn expression. “I’d have to have samples of the virus around, active ones and that leaves oppurtunity for a breakout, which would be devastating down here.” He shrugged one shoulder, trying to appear casual about his disappointment.

At least Augustus normally had something to do, Caradoc thought. Too much free time and he could see the other man going stir crazy. Soon he’d be busying risking his life.

“I don’t know if I’d prefer silence though,” he mused. Silence could mean a lot of things; death, for one. It would be eerie to have silence in the Underground. “I think it’d set me on edge. "At least the noise implies people, life, activity, It’s nice to just listen sometimes and know the world hasn’t ended.” But maybe that was too optimistic a view for times like these. “The day’ll be over soon enough and we’ll know what’s in store. Then you can get out there and work off all that energy on the surface.” They’d all be better off once they could stretch their legs a little.

He could barely fathom how someone could be as optimistic as Caradoc sounded, but he wasn’t going to question his words. “Maybe you’re right about that. I guess I did hate my brother, but I still would’ve trusted him with my life,” he said thoughtfully. Of course, he left out what he had done to his brother, the fact that his brother had been stupid enough to trust Augustus with his life despite the hatred. He was proof that Caradoc’s words weren’t true.

“That’s impressive, though. Wish I had known you back before this whole mess; it could’ve been nice,” he said, mirroring Caradoc’s smile. It was true enough. Anything like that was impressive to Augustus. He had never really been much of a scholar, and that kind of science was beyond him. It had been a miracle that he had managed a year of university before giving up completely and falling back on his family’s money, to his father’s anger. It had never really mattered much to him, and now it didn’t really matter to the world. Doctors were helpful, scientists were helpful, but so were fighters. And he had been fighting in his own way for nearly ten years. Now it didn’t matter that he wasn’t good at more academic pursuits. Still, he was actually thankful (him, thankful?) that Caradoc was. If it wasn’t for him, Augustus might’ve accidentally offed himself the very first month free in the Facility. And he was going to make sure he stayed on Caradoc’s good side. No, that wasn’t right. That made it sound like that was the only thing the other man was good for, but that wasn’t true. He actually almost liked Caradoc. All of the noise seemed less daunting when he was around him for some reason.

Augustus knew already that there was no possibility of testing for immunity down here, not now, when it had the potential to kill more than half of the people still living Underground, but he still couldn’t help but be disappointed by Caradoc’s answer. Then again, Caradoc also sounded disappointed. “Of course, of course, it’s too dangerous to try it down here. I guess I’ll just have to take every precaution I can, then, yeah? Better safe than very, very sorry,” he said with a shrug, as if it really was fine, not knowing if he could die just from breathing the air on the Surface.

“Silence has just always seemed so peaceful to me, but I understand that. A lot of people prefer the noise. It is nice to know that you’re not alone. Just listening is comforting, though, at least sometimes. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts are loud enough, though,” he confessed despite himself. And sometimes my thoughts don’t even feel like my own, Augustus stopped himself from adding. He smiled, that sort of self deprecating smile he had stolen from his brother and practiced for years--a lie of a smile--and said, “You’re right, though. It’ll be good to get out there and use all of this pent up energy.”

[lawtcn-blog]

Narcissa & Augustus: Loyalties

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

mortuustella:

        “Yes– different.” 

     A sudden jolt of nervousness shot through her chest as she observed the     seemingly forced smile that crossed his lips. She began questioning why she     had even brought him in here to speak with her– but, in all honesty, her     motives had slipped away long before they even reached the room. If     anything Narcissa was looking for someone to talk to. Being in the     Underground had been… offputting to say the least. 

        “How… are you?”

    The obscenely simple phrase left her lips rather awkwardly as she struggled     to find something of worth to say. Hundreds of things ran through her mind–     both what she should say and what she wanted to say. Narcissa Black was     never the best with words. Out of all of the Black sisters she was the one who     stayed silent in most circumstances. 

    She swallowed, slowly preparing herself for the reason why she had brought     him here. Throwing any hope to question who he was loyal to anymore     aside, as she had no idea how to answer the question herself. 

        “How do you do it? How are you functioning down here?          I have no idea how to fit in–          I don’t know what to do.”

    The raw and uncertain emotions flooding from her lips were unnatural for     her. Narcissa Black rarely showed her emotions. 

Augustus raised an eyebrow at her question. A simple question, yes, but he knew how to read others, and he could tell that there was something more behind it. She was trying to figure him out nearly as much as he was trying to figure her out it seemed. And she was nervous, oh yes, he could see that. The smile fell from his face in favor of a small frown of confusion. He didn’t know how to take the nervousness, whether it was a good sign or not. It was almost unsettling to him, if only because he didn’t know how to react to it. He was usually good at knowing how to react; knowing how they wanted him to react and doing that. But the day had been so loud, so much noise in his head, and Narcissa was throwing him off. And now the outward silence was dragging on again, even thought his mind was loud--why did he keep letting this happen? He had to say something, anything.

But she beat him to it. He let out a long breath at her sudden burst of questions, of emotions. Either she was a better liar than he was, or the display was genuine. He wanted to believe the latter. Maybe because he desperately wanted someone who could help him, someone who might make things easier, might make getting back possible. Maybe even someone who could understand him. It made the decision to believe her easy, at least in the moment, until he was certain of the game she was playing.

He couldn’t help but smile slightly, this time genuinely, sympathetically. “If you think I’m functioning alright, then I’ve got you fooled,” he paused, wondering how he should go on. He figured an ounce of honesty could only help earn her trust. “You have to lie. That’s how I’ve gotten by down here. People accept the lies they want to believe. So you have to lie to yourself, and to everyone else to blend in. But you don’t have to lie to me, Narcissa... maybe I can help you figure out what to do,” he said carefully.

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

heart-not-as-black:

Sirius had always been the type to jump the gun so it wasn’t uncommon for them to be spilling out all of the ideas they had in stored from the moment they arrived in The Facility. Ever since they heard about Tom Riddle they wanted to put him out of his misery and save the world in some heroic way. Perhaps they would be able to take back their name and give true honor to the family of Black. It was only a matter of planning and taking action which Sirius realized they were no good with the former form. They would need to enlist people that they could trust for certain. 

“I’m sure there’s plenty of us that’s thinking the same thing. I’m just loud.” Sirius explained with a grin. They had already talked to multiple people that seem to be getting more and more anxious the longer they stay. Sirius would need more help from others, perhaps James and Remus, both good friends of Sirius’s? Remus could be a great planner and James has qualities of a leader. It wasn’t like they wanted to be coped up here in The Facility for the rest of their lives either. It was only a matter of time before they began moving forward and start living again. “Good, we’ll talk more about it as the time to move comes closer. I’m not good at being patient.” 

He was lucky that they were so passionate, and so open about it. It just made things all the easier for Augustus. He barely even had to lie and he had gotten so much. The possibilities were as goo as any guarantee. “Great. I look forward to talking again, coming up with a plan with you. I think we’ll make a good team,” he said with a smile, repeating the very words he had said to Regulus earlier that very same day. The Blacks were very different, and yet it seemed to him like there were more similarities between the two than even they might have realized. He wondered if that also might come in handy eventually, once he had more time to think about what he was going to do with all of this information. 

“I’ll see you around, Sirius. Enjoy the day off,” he smiled, before giving them a friendly pat on the back and turning to leave. He suddenly felt almost optimistic about his prospects, and he had to wonder why he hadn’t really, truly spoken to Sirius until today. The wait had been worth it, though, it seemed. And if Sirius wasn’t good at being patient, Augustus was the exact opposite. He was more than willing to wait a few weeks longer if it meant the possibility of getting home. This was just the calm before the storm, and he was ready to be at the center of it.

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

heart-not-as-black:

The cause was definitely something worth fighting for. Even though Sirius was rather certain that they were going to die before they saw the end of it all, they tried hard not to think about the inevitable outcome. They would at least be a pawn in the overall game, and fucking shit they were going to be a powerful player. Staring at Augustus, they hoped to enact either a passion or fear, whatever alliance or thoughts that Augustus stood at will now be sized up with the exact position Sirius was standing on. 

Sirius returned the grin and slapped a fist into the palm of their hands. “Excellent. I’ve never really gone a day without fighting. I’m thinking when we get new missions, we can start up a rebellion and start scouting. I know there are plenty of people here that don’t want to just sit around for slaughter. I’m no fucking cattle.” Sirius huffed loudly before looking around, seeing if there were anyone who could possibly be listening. “I know what they’re doing here is good, it’s to preserve what’s left of us, but we can’t just sit around any longer and let all this shit happen without even speaking up let alone act upon it. We’re a species of action aren’t we?”

He couldn’t have predicted Sirius’s reaction to his own response, but it couldn’t have been better than what he received. Augustus was all but in, and from what they said, it sounded like it would be more than productive. An alliance of sorts. He had to wonder how this had happened on the same day he had an interesting conversation with Regulus. Which of the Blacks would prove most useful to him? Right now, it sounded like Sirius had more to offer, but he knew better than to bet on anything too obvious. This was what he was good at. He was in his element. This was the sort of thing he was useful for, this could be the way to get back to Riddle and with a present of sorts as well. But he wasn’t going to get too excited yet. The key was patience. And he had gotten very good at waiting. 

“Yes, we are a species of action,” he agreed, grinning widely at Sirius’s enthusiasm. It was almost too good to be true how easy it was. “A perfect idea. But it’ll have to be fully thought out, perfectly planned. As soon as we get our assignments the planning can begin. You’re right, there has to be more people around who hate this, who want to do something about all of this shit. I’ve always been good at feeling people out. I can help you find those people. I can help you act.”

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

dorcaes:

The door’s metallic pinch rang into her ears as she was led away from the scene she had caused. She looked back momentarily to see what was happening in the room they had moved her from, trying to get a sense of what had happened only moments before:

“Dead is dead no matter when it happens.” She replied, arms crossed nonchalantly to reflect her factual mindset about the situation.

The girl opened her mouth, attempting to speak words that weren’t making their way through. Dorcas interpreted the girl’s eyes watering as a sign of sadness, and her loss of words to reflect the other’s grief filled thoughts. 

It was a sharp pinching sensation on her cheek, and her sight finding a new angle of vision that proved Dorcas wrong. The girl almost jumped her as she yelled about Dorcas’ insensitivity, her anger almost billowing out of her ears as her intensity grew with each word. Dorcas had not been not been afraid of the girl ( she didn’t do scared ), but she had been confused as to why the girl would become so angered. 

The two had been separated by a group of people (five to be exact), and Dorcas had been led to a room to keep them both apart.

They must’ve thought Dorcas to be the least vulnerable of the two, as she was left alone in an room deserted of people ( the typical cement-colored walls lined the long space, blocking out most of the sound from the outside. A worn-out red couch sat against the right wall, and a table with chairs hovered near the other. Simple and unremarkable ), while they remained comforting the other. Or she assumed as much.

As she took out the cigarette pack from her pocket ( she could sense the smell of cigarette on the couch, so she figured it right to do as the people who gathered here did ), the door opened behind her.

“I didn’t do anything wrong.” She stated, laying a cigarette between her lips.

Augustus had seen the whole exchange. Watching people in the Facility was one of the best ways to pass time, and with a whole day off spent waiting for assignments, there was little better to do. He had already wandered around the Facility and run into several people in his quest to find silence. After that he had all but given up on finding any sort of quiet. People seemed to be more on edge today, or at the very least louder, in any case. So he had finally sat himself down in one of the more populated room, all but waiting for something to happen. And he hadn’t been disappointed. 

He hadn’t meet either of the women who had been apart of the exchange, but they were both familiar looking. It was hard to live in the Facility for more than a couple of months without starting to at least recognize everyone, if not actually knowing them. So when the conversation had come to literal blows, Augustus had to admit that he was intrigued. Tensions were always running so high Underground, but he hadn’t seen anything like that in his time there. He couldn’t help but be interested.

When one of the woman had been led out of the room as if she was the problem, Augustus followed behind, waiting until the door had closed to go in. He didn’t really know why he did it. But he couldn’t stop himself. He had always been curious. That’s why he had ended up there in the first place.

Augustus replied to her assertion with a smile. “Didn’t think you did. You were just being logical. Some people don’t appreciate the truth during... difficult times. I do, though,” he shrugged stepping into the room, but leaving the door opened. He gestured to the cigarette in her mouth, “I didn’t realize there were cigarettes down here. What did you have to trade for those?”

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

heart-not-as-black:

Sirius was certain that no one still alive would find the noise, the smell, the entire world to be pleasing. Even Tom Riddle himself must not have foreseen the outcome of his experiment. Perhaps he spent more money to create the perfect bubble for himself, but even then would that still count as living? What was the point of wanting to rule the world if you couldn’t enjoy it to the fullest the way it was before you chose to fuck it up? It was ridiculous to think someone could eradicate the entire Earth of who he deemed was unworthy and not comprehend the repercussions of such an immense act. Fucking butthead.

Placing a hand on their hip, Sirius nodded at Augustus’s words. “I suppose I’m saying this because it fits our situation. But also is motivation to change it. We’re doing really well trying to keep ourselves all alive, but we need to work on finding the cure, and beating down the fucking Riddle kid so we can get the world back.” Sirius stared down Augustus with an intense passion flaring in their eyes. “We need to stop fucking just meeting the medium and get our asses in gear.” They explained lowly so only Augustus could hear and not anyone else, if there were anyone else around.

Augustus had to raise his eyebrows at Sirius’s words, and the look they were giving him was absolutely fiery. For the first time in months, it felt like he might be on the verge of something helpful. They wanted to fight, that was for sure; fight to find the cure, fight to ‘get the world back.’ If there were others who felt as strongly as Sirius did, and he was certain there were, that could mean something for him. He wasn’t certain what it was yet, but he thought he’d figure it out if he was able to keep on Sirius’s side. And how could he not agree with the passion in their eyes? It was easier when he was given how he should react so obviously.

He leaned in closer to Sirius, returning his look with a similar one. “Yes, exactly! I’m tired of sitting on my ass and waiting around to die. We could do something. We could change things, fix things even maybe, but that’s if things down here changed... there’s nothing we can do now with the way Dumbledore’s got things going. We go to the surface for supplies, we try to keep things quiet, hidden. It’s just about scraping by right now, not fighting,” he whispered furiously. A small smile started at the corner of his lips. “But I’ve always liked a good fight.”

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

docdearborn:

Satisfied with what he had found, or more to the point what he hadn’t found, Caradoc dropped his gaze and then returned it to Augustus’ face. He didn’t want to cross whatever unspoken, imaginary boundaries they had drawn up over the past couple of months but he was a doctor first and foremost. He couldn’t help himself.

He shrugged at the comment about strangers, knowing how ridiculous he could sound sometimes. People dealt with others in different ways though and his preference had always been to treat strangers with kindness until he was given a reason not to. And even then, kill them with kindness was a phrase he was well acquainted with. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess I’ve always found it harder to hate people when I don’t know anything about them. Once you start learning about people – that’s when you can start to hate them.” These days most people seemed to want to shoot first, find reasons to hate later.

Caradoc snorted, “That’s nice. It sounds like you’re repeating a party line, but the sentiment is what counts.” Not everyone could sound genuine all the time, he supposed. He had trouble with it himself sometimes. The sentiment was there but often the words sounded stupid.

The quarantine was a distraction but for Caradoc it was mostly a problem to be fixed. “I think we should be testing people before we process them,” he said. “If people are immune, it’s stupid to lock them up for a month. Just get them clean and send them through. Then we’d only have to quarantine the people who aren’t immune, y'know?” That was something he’d been pretty vocal about since he got out of quarantine and it wasn’t hard to see why. One week of quarantine was hard. One month stretched people to the edge of their patience and sanity. “Not enough equipment though, or space.” Maybe one of these days he’d convince the higher ups to implement his suggestion. “So I guess that’s keeping me distracted.”

He wasn’t entirely pleased to learn that Augustus had nothing to do though. “There’s not much to do with our day off. Oh - do you have a temporary job?” He asked. “Something you were doing before the Protector training?”

“I guess when there are so few of us left, you have to make an effort not to immediately hate anyone. But that can be dangerous, you know? You never know who’s sincere and who’s not,” he said with a shrug. It was true enough. Not even Augustus could really tell who in the Facility was being sincere and who was not. He had a feeling there were others like him. If he had been a more paranoid person--or a more outwardly paranoid person--he would have been more worried about the potential threats. But he had all but taken care of his potential problems, and he knew how to blend in, and that wasn’t by being suspicious of every single motive. It was by accepting things at face-value, at least outwardly. It had worked fine so far. But it had also succeeded in confusing him even more, because so many of the Undergrounders seemed genuinely alright with him. He wasn’t used to that sort of thing.

He was glad when Caradoc went on. The way he talked about quarantine it was easy for Augustus to tell that he cared deeply about it. And he had always found that sort of passion infectious. “A month of quarantine doesn’t do much for the mind, but I guess it is a safety precaution. Still it doesn’t seem fair to keep someone who might be immune in there for so long. Is there a way to test if someone is immune, though?” he asked suddenly. 

The question of his own immunity wasn’t something that he had really given much thought to in the past months at the Facility. But with the prospect of going to the Surface, it was suddenly much more pressing. He had a feeling that he wasn’t. His parents had succumbed to the virus within the first year of the outbreak, which had been good news at the time, but now seemed like a bad sign. The only reason he hadn’t was because of Riddle’s cure, because he had joined him so early on. But now, having been away from the Death Eaters for so long, there was no way he still could have been vaccinated. He would have to take every precaution he could against the virus. But a guarantee would be even better.

“Yeah, yeah, I mean I've helped with organizing supplies and a bit of cleaning, but it's mostly just been the training, which is good. That keeps you busy,” he said with a wave of his hand. “But today is tough, you know? A day off... More like a day to think about everything that could go wrong, everything that has gone wrong already. And it’s just so loud.”

[emerald--space-deactivated20170]

Something’s not right about what I’m doing but I’m still doing it - living in the worst parts, ruining myself.

Richard Siken, “Birds Hover the Trampled Field”

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

docdearborn:

Caradoc took the moment to check Augustus over. The other man seemed to be deep in thought, so Caradoc wanted to take the chance to check him for injuries, at least the parts of his body that he could see. It wasn’t as good as getting Augustus into the clinic and checking him over, possibly giving him some antitiobics to stem off infection, but it would have to do.

Caradoc laughed at the comment about himself. “It’s hard to hate people that are virtually strangers.” Which was a good reason not to get to know anyone too closely, it was easier to like people when you only knew them at face value. Augustus was right though; he didn’t really have it in him to hate people, at least not any of the people in the Underground. He liked people, loved them even, as a general populace. He was almost certain that he could get along with whoever he was assigned to a team with.

“I get the feeling we’re going to have to learn to trust the people we’re assigned with,” he said. It was a logical assumption; the surface was anything but safe and there was a chance they were going to run into dangerous people and situations that would require going above and beyond the call of duty. They were going to need to be able to trust one another, have each other’s backs and be prepared to put their lives on the line for each other. “So no, that wouldn’t be too bad.” He grinned, to show that he was definitely amiable to the idea. At the very least, Augustus looked like he knew how to take care of himself. That was the kind of thing you wanted on a surface-going team.

“I was on my way to quarantine,” Caradoc explained, motioning in the direction that he’d been heading before they’d crossed paths. “I thought keeping busy might make the day pass quicker. And I remember how crazy I went when I was in there.”

He could practically feel Caradoc’s eyes running over him, looking for something, and he was suddenly very glad that it was standard practice to cover up as much skin as possible for protection from the virus. That couldn’t hide everything, though, and even from the little he knew Caradoc, he knew that he was smarter than to be fooled by any of Augustus’s explanations. His lies were good, but there were only so many times you could accidentally run into something before sounding ridiculous. He brushed the thought off, though; that wasn’t a concern just now, although he couldn’t help but run his finger over the still fresh cut down his thumb from his conversation with Regulus. Whether he had meant to or not, he had done what they had suggested. He had found a doctor, funnily enough.

“It’s hard to hate strangers? I don’t know, Caradoc. I’ve hated plenty of strangers in my time,” he said with a slight laugh. A genuine smile. It was a nice feeling, strangely enough. Caradoc was right, though. He would have to at least play along with whoever he was assigned with, whether he actually trusted them or not; he was certain he wouldn’t, he didn’t truly trust anyone here. To keep up any sort of illusion, he would have to do as much as any of the others, if not a bit more. But Caradoc didn’t seem opposed to the idea of them being assigned with each other, and Augustus thought it would be easier to play along if he had someone on his side. It might even verge on nice. 

“I’ve never been very good at putting my trust in other people. But I’m willing to try to keep everyone safe,” he added for good measure. Did that sound right? It sounded stupid to him. Trust to keep other people safe? He had always thought the opposite. He didn’t like it when people were wary of him, but he thought it was ridiculous when anyone wasn’t. Some things never made any sense. Trust was one of them.

“Yeah, I know that feeling. Honestly, I’m surprised I made it out of quarantine in one piece. A month is too long to be alone... that’s a good idea, though; keep yourself distracted until we finally know. I’ve just been wandering around. That doesn’t work as well for keeping your mind off of things,” he said.

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

heart-not-as-black:

“You’re probably right. It’s hard to get it out of your head once it’s in.” Sirius replied, sighing. It was true, the noise even plagued their dreams at one point but that was earlier, around the time that the Plague had begun. There were multiple things that Sirius’s dreams were infected with: the sound, the smell, the look of it all. Made sleeping a hell of a problem for sure but Sirius never thought they were the only one to have the problem. They’d probably be surprised if someone wasn’t having any problems. 

Nodding their head, Sirius began to explain the theory a bit more. “It’s all human nature shit and stuff. I’m not much of a psychology or whatever kind of person but I think it makes sense. Maslow argues that to “live” we need just the bottom basics to be met. But to actually live we need more than that. If that makes sense. Surviving is one thing but to live is another.” Sirius saw how Augustus crossed his arms with the topic at hand. It was the first time the other had done so. Sirius did it often, as it was a sign of protection. “We’re not living here, we’re just barely meeting the minimum.” They added softly, looking around them as the cage they were in seemed to be shutting the two closer and squeezing the life out of them.

“Yeah, it really is,” he said with a humorless laugh. They didn’t know the half of what they were agreeing with, or at least he didn’t think they knew. Of course, he was certain barely any survivor, here or with the Death Eaters, or with any other colony, was completely alright. The noise that was on the Surface... he wouldn’t be surprised if any of the others had nightmares about it. It was enough to give him nightmares. But it was on another level for him, and he didn’t think that Sirius of all people would be able to understand that. Hell, he wasn’t looking for anyone to understand the way his brain worked, the way his brain fucking latched onto every strange noise he heard.

“Surviving is one thing but living is another,” he repeated slowly. It was funny just how true their words were, even if they were just explaining some theory that meant nothing now that the world was all but dead. When Augustus thought about it, it felt like that was all he had ever been doing. Just trying to meet the minimum. And how he was getting along now was no different. Still, Sirius’s words made him wonder what it would be like to do just that. He kept his arms folded; the softness of their voice was just as conflicting to him as their words. “It doesn’t really seem like we have much of a choice now. All was can do is try to survive,” he said, finding that his voice took on their tone.

[great-tunes]

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[delirumetdecorum-blog]

docdearborn:

Caradoc knew what Augustus looked like when he lied. Not because he was particularly good at spotting lies or because he’d spent a great deal of time with the other man but because Caradoc had looked into his face when he had clearly been telling a lie. He wasn’t stupid, and he’d seen more than his fair share of patients coming in with self harm and while a part of him wanted to press, wanted to make sure that Augustus could get some kind of help, he also knew that things were more complicated than that. As long as he kept coming to get the injuries checked on, Caradoc was satisfied.

The fact that Augustus was lying now didn’t matter to him either, at least not enough to warrant further investigation. Everyone had their secrets and down here it seemed that people had secrets that they desperately wanted kept. Caradoc wasn’t going to be the one to rock that particular boat.

“I think everyone’s ready to get out and about,” he agreed. “Things seem to be crazier than usual today.” Caradoc had actually been grateful for having something to do to take his mind of the impending team assignments. “I can’t wait to be running on the surface instead of through these corridors. All the walls start to look the same after a while.” They probably weren’t the only ones who would be glad of the distraction. There were a lot of restless people waiting around for their assignments.

“Any idea who you’ll end up with?” Caradoc asked. “Haven’t heard a thing on the subject. Is it stupid to be nervous about it?”

He was a little relieved that Caradoc didn’t say anything about how strange he probably sounded--or did he? For some reason he wasn’t as good at lying when he was around him, and he thought it might have had something to do with the fact that he understood things better than he actually let on. It was difficult for Augustus to comprehend someone else actually understanding or at the very least being sympathetic towards him, but then, it was hard for him to understand a lot of things other people did. He was just lucky that he had gotten fairly good at acting like he did. Things were getting more complicated, though. It seemed that he kept on finding person after person who understood, and when someone knew the truth, even partially, he didn’t know what to do. Lying felt stupid then, but that was all he knew how to do. So he would keep trying.

At the very least, he appreciated the fact that Caradoc didn’t push, even if he was as suspicious of Augustus as some of the others were. He liked to think it was because he wasn’t afraid of him, but he knew more often than not the people who didn’t say anything were terrified of what he might do in the Underground being a relative stranger. It seemed like Caradoc was different, though. Still, for now, he could act.

“Yeah, everyone is just so loud today,” he said with a nod, drawing himself out of his thoughts. It wasn’t so good to stay with his thoughts for long. “Makes sense to worry about it; what if you end up with someone you hate? Then again, you don’t really strike me as someone who hates people, which is a good thing, especially down here. Whoever we’re put with, though, it’ll be nice to get out, even for a day or two. I’m not sure who they’ll put me with... it might be nice if they put us together,” Augustus offered.

That wasn’t a complete lie. 

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

heart-not-as-black:

Throughout Sirius’s life the impact of what it was liked to be raised as the unwanted child and burden of the family had heightened Sirius’s ability to catch the littlest of movements. They had caught the curled fingers as they were the same as Walbruga’s right before Sirius received a cold, devastating slap to the face. Most should be thankful that all they got was a slap, but their step-mother’s fingers were decorated with long, polished nails that scrapped against their skin as she thrashed at Sirius for disrespecting her most majesty. Sirius never forgot the sensation; it was claw marks streaking through their face that caused Sirius to crack their neck at the thought. But no, Augustus wasn’t going to slap Sirius. Not in public like this. 

Looking back to Augustus, Sirius remained calm. It shouldn’t mean anything yet. Don’t jump to conclusions you idiot. They told themselves, knowing deep down that their gut feeling was correct about the exchange. “I guess we just can’t have best of both worlds. You think if you go back up there you can wear some headphones or earmuffs to block out the sound?” Sirius chuckled at the thought, knowing for certain that those options were doomed. The grinding noise was inevitable and Sirius remembered blocking it out by a smidgen by using some cloth. It was something about that grinding noise and the intense heat and smell of the surface that made everything worse than what it actually is. People would be happy to be down in the surface but humans weren’t meant to burrow. They strive for the light.  

“We have everything we need down here to live, basics though. Hey have you ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy?” Sirius asked, wondering if they could relate their specific predicament to a theory they once had to learn for class. 

He laughed slightly. As if anything he could wear over his ears would keep the noise from infiltrating his brain. If anything, trying to block it out would only make the noise he heard in his head even worse. But that wasn’t something to worry about just yet. He wasn’t even certain he would be given an assignment that required going to the surface. And if he was, he was just going to have to deal with the noise, because the opportunity to be above the ground might be his only chance to really survive, to get back home. (Was the Death Eaters’ colony really his home anymore? Was this his home maybe?) “I’m not sure anything could really block out the sound, but I might have to give something a try,” Augustus said with a smile, even though he knew he wouldn’t. It was a good sign, though, that Sirius seemed fairly relaxed around him. 

“Maslow’s Hierarchy? That’s some kind of psychological theory, isn’t it? The basics are on the bottom, and the things that actually make people happy are above? We might have our basic needs, but we’re not happy like this. I’ve never really agreed with all of that psychological bullshit, but I think Maslow was onto something,” Augustus said with a slight nod. He folded his arms over his chest. He didn’t want to talk about this sort of thing because he knew how conversations moved, he knew what could come from beginning to talk about that branch of so-called science, and he didn’t want to think about any of that, because it made him think about life much before the Plague. Being sent to doctor after doctor, being forced to try what felt like hundreds of different medications that only succeeded in making him feel nothing. That was over now, though. No one had time for that sort of thing now. Only sometimes now he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe things would have been better if he had tried.

[lawtcn-blog]

Narcissa & Augustus: Loyalties

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

mortuustella:

    Paranoid. Paranoia was the biggest problem Narcissa Black had since     finding herself within the underground. Every move she made she felt as if     she were being watched. Someone would always be watching, waiting, for     her to slip up. One wrong move and she could certainly end up with a fate     worse than death itself– and it wouldn’t be on the hands of the     Undergrounders. 

    The moment she laid eyes on Augustus Rookwood she was relieved. Finally     to have someone who could share in the feelings of anxiety that she was     living in. However– the most fascinating of things ocurred. Augustus     certainly didn’t seem to mind living in the Underground at all. In fact, he was     a much better liar than even she was. And she had everyone fooled. He     certainly had her fooled. 

    She had waited, patiently, to get him alone. To feel out where his true     loyalties still laid. Perhaps she had found a partner– or perhaps she simply     found a traitor. 

        “Can we… talk? Privately?”  

    The question escaped her lips almost abruptly, unable to patiently await a     response. Her limbs quickly mirrored her anxiety as she strutted towards a     more private discussion room– particularly hopeful she had found an ally. 

When Augustus had first noticed her with the Undergrounders, he hadn’t believed his eyes. Of course he had recognized her; it wouldn’t have been possible to live so long with the Death Eaters without immediately being able to recognize any of the Black sisters, and Narcissa had always been the most striking to him, because she was different from her sisters. But she had left the Death Eaters, even before he had been found by the Protectors. It wasn’t exactly clear why, which was one of the reasons he had tried to keep his distance from her from the moment he saw her first.

If she was a traitor, then he wasn’t safe. But she hadn’t done anything yet, and she didn’t seem like the sort that would, unlike Regulus. Hell, Narcissa hadn’t even tried to speak to him. Still, the possibility of her being some sort of spy meant more to him. Not only would it mean he wasn’t alone, but it meant that he could get back. With her, maybe he could find a way out of the Facility, a way back to the Death Eaters and Riddle. Because that was what he wanted--was that what he wanted anymore really?--he wanted to find his way back.

So when he found himself being suddenly spoken to by Narcissa, out of nowhere, it was a mixture of several things that he felt. Part of him was thrilled, but another part of him sincerely wished that he hadn’t given his switchblade to Regulus in a moment of weakness (insanity?). Still, he was too curious to make up an excuse to leave.

“I suppose so,” he said simply even as she started off, before following her down the hallway into an unoccupied room. She looked anxious. It would have worried him, but there was something else there that he couldn’t quite put his finger on that excited him. He closed the door behind them, and looked back at her, giving her a small, friendly smile. A lie. “Things were very different when I saw you last. Is there something you want, Narcissa?”

[delirumetdecorum-blog]

voicelessprince:

      They shrugged. Sure, they should probably give the knife back to him at       some point, but suddenly, with Augustus’ blade in their pocket, they felt       like things were a little bit more even. Augustus had the power to ruin them,       but they had something Augustus wanted now. Something that seemed,       somehow, to have sentimental value to him.

      And, well, if Augustus fucked them over, there was something beautifully       poetic about having the ability to stab him with his own damn knife. 

      They were almost tempted to pull the piece of paper back out, to say no       again, but it was probably best to leave things as they were. Maybe        Augustus would come up with something useful to do to get it back. Or       maybe he’d kill Regulus in their sleep for it. Hard to say. 

“Okay. Please don’t lose it or break it, alright? That’s my...” he trailed off, not really knowing how to finish that sentence. His favorite knife? That sounded like something a serial killer would say, not the relatively normal person he was trying to act like. He wasn’t going to say out loud that one of the many reasons he kept it was because it reminded him of before the Plague, before everything had gotten complicated, and before he had really realized just how many things were wrong with him. Saying that out loud would mean admitting that maybe he wasn’t as sure as he had once been about everything, and he refused to think that.

“Just don’t lose it,” he repeated, deciding there was no point in trying to finish his sentence. The emotion that had crept into his voice earlier was gone. It was strange how easy it was to slip back into the lie. “I guess you could consider it a sign of our friendship. At least for now.”

Augustus stood up thinking that maybe he would go find one of the doctors, just in case. His thumb was stinging and his head was still pounding. At the very least, he needed to get out of the room. It was starting to feel oppressive. “I hope we end up on the same team, Regulus. I like you a lot. I think we could work well together,” he said, giving Regulus a smile.