I'm howling for you

||Sirius Orion Black|| 

[andillwriteyouatragedy]

together undivided (forever we’ll be free)

“Of course he was an idiot! We were all idiots! Well, not Moony so much.”

(cover art by viria13)

[ecthelions]

[nonsensical-mishmash-main]

______________________________________________________________

“You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”

[heart-not-as-black]

James: Just be yourself, say something nice.

Sirius: Which one? I can’t do both.

[heart-not-as-black]

 voicelessprince

      They hadn’t smiled in so long. Grinned, sure. Smirked, even. But an honest,       genuine smile took too much work, when you were self-conscious about       your mouth. When you were worried that others were constantly looking       at it, that someone – anyone – might see what was, or wasn’t, inside.

      They should have smiled. Should have mirrored the teary, overjoyed       expression on their brothers face. Should have made a point of looking       as happy as they supposedly were. 

      Instead, their hands found their way to their pockets and they shrugged,       hoping it would be read as an it’s okay gesture and not a hopeless bid       for something to do. 

Disappointment was an emotion, one that could manifest itself physically and affect us all mentally. It was something that Sirius wanted to avoid in any situation and by doing so had led Sirius into a pathway of mistakes and regrets. They desperately wanted to avoid those situations once again. 

“Hey, so you’re probably busy right now right? I probably took up your time. And I have to do inventory still so,” Sirius rubbed the back of their arm, giving a small reassuring smile. “Let’s meet up one of these days okay? Soon? Do some fun shit or just hang out yeah?” 

It was awkward, but that was okay. It wasn’t like Sirius had any time to rehearse or was given any proper time to think and reflect about what they should have said or even wanted to say. 

[anxiouspineapples]

“…again?”

[heart-not-as-black]

fleurdelysxevans

The redhead observed them rather carefully. By the fact that they faced her, proving that they had acknowledged her presence there. Living here only for a while, makes her more aware about pairs of watching eyes, which emitted by lot of excessive curiosity. She herself prefer this kind of interaction– conversation. Somehow, it makes her feel more accepted. Returning the favor, Lily smiled back. 

                                                               “–Actually, yes.”

She offered them a chuckle, before eyeing the book on their hand. One thing that she learned from them is the way they hold it in their hand, confirm their claim to such possession. Almost like their whole live clung in it. She can’t blame them for acting that way. After all, having something personal almost impossible to happen here; where everything belongs to everyone.

                “–Friendly reminder that it might take a while. So, please.. Bear with me.”

It was nice to talk to someone again. It was nice to talk to someone Sirius didn’t know well. That’s what Sirius felt like The Facility was like; a place where you’d have to like other people. Isolating yourself in these dreary times would lead to depression and even insanity if it lingered for long. 

“Excellent, okay so this guy right?” Sirius began, holding out the book as if the man would actually appear from the pages out into the real world. “This man is extremely rich, he’s like in his 30′s and he’s a millionaire. He thinks the world revolves around him and he’s basically an asshole right? He believes that homeless people should get a move on and are worthless and he’s just an A-List dick.” 

Sirius flipped to the front page of the book and began reading an excerpt. “ ‘Tout s'achète : l'amour, l'art, la planète Terre, vous, moi.’ He says that everything can be bought, love, art, the Earth, you and me.” The translation was very straight forward, but the next parts were hard to interpret. 

“Later, a man in his office slits his own throat and smears the word “Pigs” onto the walls. It changes the guy’s life forever as his life turns to shit.”

[artofpan]

Uploading this separately because for some reason tumblr made the image all fuzzy when I put it on the bottom of the ask :(

[heart-not-as-black]

voicelessprince

      The irony was that they didn’t need a tongue to say oui. To reply how       they used to as a child, when Sirius would take their hands and insist:       we’re brothers, no matter what anyone says. There were no consonants,       no sounds to the word that couldn’t be made with just their lips. They       could have answered the way they remembered answering all those        years ago, when they were young and scared and wanted nothing more       than the affirmation that Sirius would always be with them, even if they       didn’t have the same mother, even if some people wouldn’t have        considered them brothers.

      But they didn’t. They didn’t want to say it. Didn’t want to open up the       part of themself that – hesitant and unsure – was learning to speak       again, learning what they could do with this new life, this new situation.       The part of themself that was tired of coping and was trying to move       on.

      Sirius couldn’t have that part. Sirius hadn’t earned it. 

      Instead, they pressed their lips together in a firm line, something that       could almost have been a smile, and nodded, watching Sirius – vain,       selfish Sirius who couldn’t stand to look vulnerable for any longer       than they had to – put themself back together again, like none of it       had happened. 

The memories came back in intervals, minute after minute, word after words as Sirius spoke. The French Sirius had once spoken seem to be duller and... corrupted somehow, violated in a way. It was all Sirius had but perhaps they could clean it up, fix it and make it better than what it previously was. At least, that’s what Sirius had hoped for. 

Relief had washed over Sirius when Regulus had nodded their head, but only tears came flooding back out from their eyes. “Shit.” They couldn’t help but smile through the tears at Regulus, letting them fall so they didn’t have to let go of their brother. “Sorry, I guess I’m just really happy. I don’t think I’d ever imagine you’d forgive me.” It was the hard truth that plagued Sirius’s mind in the broad daylight and the darkness of their dreams. The daunting idea that they would lose their brother forever had always hidden itself around the corner, being able to spot in Sirius’s peripheral vision. 

“Desole, it’s gross I know.” Sirius used their shoulder to wipe at their but managed to get only one eye. Their jacket would have to be burned later, but right now it was here to stay, as was Sirius. 

[heart-not-as-black]

voicelessprince

      They forced themself not to flinch away from the hug, not to wince at       the wet, unappealing sound of Sirius sniffling in their ear, probably       getting tears and mucus all over their jacket as they pulled Regulus       close. It could have been worse; at least they didn’t have to say        anything – maybe the first time they’d been grateful for the ready made       excuse not to speak. Not to have to say I understand or I forgive you       or I love you. 

      If Sirius was lying to them, playing sorry to get back into their good       graces for whatever reason, it wouldn’t be Regulus was was the fool       for believing them this time. 

      Standing stock still, however, wasn’t exactly a convincing show, and so       they quickly buried their face in Sirius’ shoulder, like they used to,        returning the hug as seemingly sincerely as they could manage. 

Sirius pulled away after a few seconds and pulled their hair back, chuckling softly. They sniffed and rubbed their face with their sleeve again. That’s something they would have to clean later, or at least burn. Having emotions was messy, and Sirius found it gross that they had excreted so much liquid and slime.

“Shit, sorry.” Sirius used their other hand to wipe their eyes, taking a moment to clear their throat and then fixing themselves. They were going to have to explain to their friends why they were so red and puffy. Sirius gave their brother a small smile, tying their hair up with itself messily. They had hoped they didn’t get anything in their hair during the ordeal. 

“Comme les freres, toujours les freres?” It was a saying they had whispered to each other as children. Sirius had hoped that Regulus remembered.

[heart-not-as-black]

 voicelessprince

      I don’t hate you, they wanted to say. I couldn’t care less about you. It       wasn’t exactly true, but it felt like the right thing to say. It felt worse than       being angry, worse than hating them, worse than wanting them dead or       wishing they were never born.  Because that’s what Sirius had done for        all those years, wasn’t it? Forgotten about them. Didn’t care about them.       Couldn’t be bothered to think about what leaving might have done. 

      They didn’t need Sirius to keep them alive; they didn’t need anyone to       make sure they got out of this alive. They hadn’t had anyone up until       now, but here they were. They’d done it all on their own. They had       survived on their own. And they would keep surviving. 

      Fuck you, they wanted to say. Wanted to walk away from their brother,       to tell them to stop blubbering and get over it already. What’s done is       done, what’s past is past; man up and move on. As insincere as it would       have been, it would have felt right. 

      But, thinking back on their earlier conversation with Caradoc, thinking of       the possibility of finding everything he needed to ensure that Regulus       wouldn’t fall victim to the damn Virus…. maybe having someone in their       debt would be useful. 

      Maybe keeping Sirius in their good graces, forgiving them – or, making       a show of forgiving them – would be for the best. Another Protector,        another chance that someone could find the equipment Caradoc        needed on the Surface, another person willing to risk their life walking       into a Death Eater facility for the only thing that could possibly save       their little brother…

      They turned around to face Sirius, putting on a hesitant, skeptical        face. A vulnerable face. The face of a little brother, scared and alone,       in need of protection. The kind of face that said: You will?

What could be the best analogy for a relationship? Building blocks? Feathers? Yarn or spider webs? Whatever it was, Sirius had been certain that once a relationship broke it would take years and years to mend and even then will it never be the same as it once was. Suppose the proper metaphor that seemed appropriate was a mirror. Paper even but mirrors were more elegant, at least to Sirius. When you look into the mirror you can see yourself but once you break it the entire vision is distorted. That’s what it felt like to ruin a relationship with someone you love. 

While Regulus and Sirius shared minimal physical traits, they were identical in many aspects of their lives. There had been a point in time where Sirius didn’t ever acknowledge the fact they bore the same father and different mothers because what mattered at the end of the day is that they were brothers. Forever.

Sirius hated themselves. Mostly for what they’ve done and more importantly who they are now. The mirror never showed a proper reflection after they had ran away from home. While Sirius blamed it on the mirror itself, it was truly them that changed. 

“Yes.” Sirius nodded and wrapped their arms around Regulus, sniffing ever so softly since they were embarrassed to expose a natural bodily function in such a way. “I promise Reg, I’ll make it up to you and you don’t ever have to forgive me, or even love me but I’ll be a better brother now.” They would work harder, it wasn’t a promise it was just a fact. Sirius would become the brother that was once the shining light in Regulus’s life and be there to always protect him until the day he dies.

[soothsaying]

sinister kid: a sirius black playlist

bad mood by the vaccines sinister kid the black keys you only live oncethe strokes break on through (to the other side) the doors bad kids black lips you are a runner and i am my father’s son wolf parade a boy like me patrick wolf raised by wolves voxtrot all day and all of the night the kinks i want blood empires hash pipe weezer i wanna be your dog iggy pop shattered the trucks do i wanna know? arctic monkeys no hope the vaccines handsome devil the smiths

[heart-not-as-black]

epochpotter

Someone once said: You only get bored if you are boring.

Bullshit. 

James was definitely not a boring person and yet, he found himself incredibly bored. But he supposed that living underground and having nothing to do could make even the most interesting people feel a bit…Meh. And that just made it even more of a challenge for him to try and do something to entertain himself.

So far, he had tried doing handstands which had worked for a little while. Until he fell down and almost kicked someone in the face. He had tried reading one of the battered books kept in the library but he simply couldn’t focus on them for more than a couple of sentences, his mind to restless to try such a passive activity.  He tried to clean up and that had been fun…But there was nothing else left to clean up. And now, he was playing with his hacky sack, which was providing enough entertainment until he threw it to hard and ended up hitting someone in the face.

“Oh shi—” He quickly walked closer to the other person, trying his best to hold back his laugher. “Sorry about that…Are you okay?”

Sirius had rushed through the halls to get some inventory papers to where they were. Working wasn’t something they wanted to do but it was a form of activity that kept them as busy as could be. They would rather do something they didn’t want to do than do nothing, even though it didn’t make much sense to those who heard it out loud. The end of the line was: Sirius hated boredom. They were a busy bee whether they were causing mischief or following some sort of labor that was beneficial in some way. At least by doing inventory they had shown their worth in The Facility. 

Taking a shortcut, Sirius had the intentions of making it to the room in a shorter amount of time than intended. Cutting the corner, Sirius’s face landed right into the projectile path of a hacky sack. Well shit there goes the perfect inventory run. Shocked by the sudden blast, Sirius nearly tripped over their feet, dropping their stacks of paper onto the ground to regain their footing. Seeing the papers scattered on the floor, and then the hacky sack, they picked up the culprit’s weapon. 

Raising an eyebrow at the man in front of them, Sirius grinned. They tossed the hacky sack into the air and used their foot to bounce it back into the air. They did this for a few times and then kicked it straight at the stranger with ferocity. “Just fine man!” 

[heart-not-as-black]

fleurdelysxevans

Shifted from the images of Alaska that floats in her mind, she sighed. Until we meet again, is what she said. Her fingers trailed on the yellowed molded pages which still offers a specific texture and scent of old books. This is her kind of thing. She breathed her farewell as she closed the book on her lap. 

She brought her attention to the person nearby. She had seen them here before, but somehow can’t bring herself to talk to them in the first place. Books were still her sole priorities when she comes to this place. But sometimes, rules were meant to be broken– or bend. Then again, there’s always an exception.

Lily couldn’t help but smile at their answer. Her eyes scanned for the other occupant of the room, which still have their nose buried in the books on their hand. Lily moved a little from where she was and placed herself next to them.

              “–Indeed. What that book can offer sounds interesting.” 

She whispered, slightly not wanting to draw any attention toward them. 

                                    “–But, my French is slightly less than bearable.”

Sirius smiled softly, adjusting their sitting arrangement so they could face the other in the room; letting it know that she was acknowledged and that they were being respectful by making eye contact. Manners made impressions. 

Despite already dog-earring the page, Sirius kept a finger inside the book before closing it. In their current state, Sirius felt possessive of the objects they held, so it wasn’t uncommon for people to hold onto belongings like they were holding onto dear life. 

“Do you want to know what it’s about?” Sirius asked, holding the book out despite being possessive of it. “It’s actually pretty easy in the beginning, but once you get into the guy’s mind it starts to warp a bit.”

[heart-not-as-black]

voicelessprince

      Their natural instinct was to hug back, to wrap their arms around their       brother and never, ever let go again; they wanted to, so badly that they       could feel it practically burning in their chest. But their mothers words       – lies – rang in their ears. Liar, traitor, thinks he’s too good for this       fucking family. Spoiled child. He’ll say anything to get what he wants.       Entitled brat.

      It wasn’t true. None of it was true. Regulus had been telling themself for       years and years and years: none of it was true. They would have left if they       were Sirius, too. They would have left if they’d had to put up with the kind       of shit Walburga put Sirius through, too. They’d done exactly what Regulus       had done, just a few years earlier. Just before it was a matter of life and       death. Just without their brother.

      But those weren’t the only words replaying in their mind. Gullible fool,       you’d believe anything he told you, you’d welcome him back to this family       with open arms and watch as he tore you apart, thank him for destroying       you. The words sounded like Walburga’s, though Regulus didn’t remember       her ever actually saying them. So who had?

      Was it true?

      Could they trust their brother – practically a stranger, now – after all these       years? Sirius had always been good at pretending.

      They pushed them away, a little more forcefully then they meant to, hatred       spilling out of them. Maybe not hatred of Sirius, but hatred nonetheless.        Vitriol. They would have spat, if they could, anything to get Sirius away, to       show them how angry they felt. But they couldn’t spit without a tongue.       Couldn’t curse, couldn’t shout. All they could do was push their brother       away.

Sirius Black didn’t cry. Sirius Black didn’t cry. Is what they heard in their head replaying over and over until it began to become another saying. Sirius Black always cries. They had cried numerous times in their life, times that they’ve never shared with anyone but themselves. It was during those times that they were at their darkest and no amount of tears would mend the mistakes they created. Ever since the Plague was amidst, Sirius had not cried. Everything had built up to this point. Sirius Black was crying. 

They couldn’t get a word out as their nose began to run and all that came out of their mouth were hiccups and sobs. They were at their most vulnerable and they couldn’t help but be embarrassed by it, the shade of red being added to their once pale face. It was the time to rekindle lost brotherhood, lost family despite the many acts to forget what once was. They were going to repair the relationship, until Regulus pushed Sirius away. 

“Reg...” Sirius breathed out, saving his breath for inhaling between sobs. The damage was done, Sirius wouldn’t ever be able to talk to them as a brother, not anymore. It was too late, they made too many mistakes, useless, worthless, disgrace. All these thoughts ran through Sirius’s mind as they felt their heart physically churn within their body, aching in desperation and defeat. “I know you hate me, you probably want me dead right? Wish I was never born? That’s fine with me...” They tried to offer a smile to their sibling, coming out more watery as Sirius wiped their face with their sleeve again. 

“But at least know I’m sorry, I’m sorry fo being the worst brother in the world and the shittest person ever. But if there’s one thing that’s going to happen I’m going to make sure you get out of this alive.” They took a breath, finding the words they wanted to speak slide out. 

[heart-not-as-black]

voicelessprince

      There were probably things Sirius could have done to redeem themself.       Ways this conversation could have gone that would have wiped away       the doubt of the past few months, relieved the frustration they’d been       grappling with since they first found their way to the Underground. A        few apologetic words, any demonstration that Sirius was sorry for what       they’d done, for leaving, something to make them believe that Sirius       cared about them…

      They liked to think they had higher standards than that, that it would        take a lot to win them over, that they wouldn’t go running back at the       first sign of affection. But in the face of a welcome as overwhelmingly       disappointing as what’s up, Regulator – the verbal equivalent of a        poorly executed high five or a defective party popper – well, fuck,        even a damn hug seemed like a dream in comparison. 

      They gritted their teeth, letting out a frustrated breath as their eyes met       their brother’s, and walked right by. 

Sirius’s heart almost skipped a beat as their sibling walked right by. Shit, they were fucking up so badly right now and their one chance - claim - only chance at reuniting with their brother was going to go straight down the drain with the shitty excuse of a conversation starter. There was more that Sirius wanted to say, there was so much that Sirius wanted to cry out but the emotions were all coming at once and they didn’t know how to control the seemingly destructive volcano before it erupts. 

Grabbing onto Regulus’s arm, Sirius pulled themselves forward and wrapped their arms around their one and only sibling. “Fuck, please don’t go, please I promise I’ll say something better but just give me one second okay? Give me one second so I can say how much I’m sorry and how much I fucking hate myself and how much I fucking love you just give me o-one-” Sirius heard themselves stutter and they couldn’t shake away the feeling of their nose heating up. Sirius Black was going to cry. 

They quickly pulled an arm up to their eyes and ran the sleeve across the wet tears, finding it useless as the tears continue to fall down their cheeks. “Fuck just give m-me one moment okay?” Sirius’s face was reddening as every mistake, ever regret and ever wish was catching up to them, stuck in their throat and finding their way to their tear duct. FUCK.

[heart-not-as-black]

voicelessprince

      The problem with heroes was that they inevitably disappointed you.

      When Sirius left home, Regulus did their best to keep their memory of       their brother pure and in tact, unharmed by the lies their mother enjoyed       telling when the subject of her half-son came up. And they’d done a damn       good job of it. 

      It wasn’t the stories or the lies that ruined their memories of Sirius. It was       seeing them again, after all these years, and realizing they weren’t the       same person Regulus had idolized for almost their entire life. 

      It was realizing some of the lies were true.

      Seeing Sirius, they were almost grateful they couldn’t speak. Stony silence       was easier than saying all of the things they wanted to, and they knew       their brother wouldn’t have reacted well to frustration that had built in       them for six months of training, six months of avoidance, six months of       understanding that their brother couldn’t be a hero. They were far too       human for that.

      Seeing Sirius walking down the hallway towards them, they didn’t even       want to say a word.

There had been numerous amounts of regret in Sirius’s life that all pertained around another lone star in the galaxy. How could Sirius, the dog star, live up to their given name if they weren’t loyal to those they were closest? Well, suppose they weren’t as close as they were at least. It had been one of Sirius’s biggest regrets to leave their sibling all alone with the darkness they had desperately tried to escape. It was then trying to forget their own sibling was bigger than Sirius’s biggest regrets. It wasn’t something you can easily apologize for; forgive and forget. 

Even when Sirius was still living in the Black manor, they were keeping up a ruse and a planned disguise for their one and only sibling. How could Sirius be a hero when they were constantly scared and selfish, seeking the escape to freedom they had desperately grabbed at?

Friends of friends and those who now we’re Sirius’s new family had told them that it was time to face the past, but when Regulus stood at the end of the hallway Sirius needed to get through? Perhaps it really wasn’t time to talk, perhaps Sirius should turn around and leave. 

No. No? Was it finally time to face the regrets? Face the sibling Sirius had desperately tried to erase from their mind? Sirius wasn’t ready but fuck it they were going to try. It was the least they can do for Regulus who had suffered so much pain and loneliness. Walking down the hall, directly to Regulus, Sirius ran through what they wanted to say. Everything that had built up from the moment they left were surfacing and Sirius could almost feel the words at their throat, rising to be said. They had to be there for their brother, finally talk, finally listen, finally forgive?  Before Sirius could articulate any of their words, they blurted out, 

“What’s up Regulator?” They wanted to die. FUCK.

[heart-not-as-black]

delirumetdecorum

He couldn’t have predicted Sirius’s reaction to his own response, but it couldn’t have been better than what he received. Augustus was all but in, and from what they said, it sounded like it would be more than productive. An alliance of sorts. He had to wonder how this had happened on the same day he had an interesting conversation with Regulus. Which of the Blacks would prove most useful to him? Right now, it sounded like Sirius had more to offer, but he knew better than to bet on anything too obvious. This was what he was good at. He was in his element. This was the sort of thing he was useful for, this could be the way to get back to Riddle and with a present of sorts as well. But he wasn’t going to get too excited yet. The key was patience. And he had gotten very good at waiting. 

“Yes, we are a species of action,” he agreed, grinning widely at Sirius’s enthusiasm. It was almost too good to be true how easy it was. “A perfect idea. But it’ll have to be fully thought out, perfectly planned. As soon as we get our assignments the planning can begin. You’re right, there has to be more people around who hate this, who want to do something about all of this shit. I’ve always been good at feeling people out. I can help you find those people. I can help you act.”

Sirius had always been the type to jump the gun so it wasn’t uncommon for them to be spilling out all of the ideas they had in stored from the moment they arrived in The Facility. Ever since they heard about Tom Riddle they wanted to put him out of his misery and save the world in some heroic way. Perhaps they would be able to take back their name and give true honor to the family of Black. It was only a matter of planning and taking action which Sirius realized they were no good with the former form. They would need to enlist people that they could trust for certain. 

“I’m sure there’s plenty of us that’s thinking the same thing. I’m just loud.” Sirius explained with a grin. They had already talked to multiple people that seem to be getting more and more anxious the longer they stay. Sirius would need more help from others, perhaps James and Remus, both good friends of Sirius’s? Remus could be a great planner and James has qualities of a leader. It wasn’t like they wanted to be coped up here in The Facility for the rest of their lives either. It was only a matter of time before they began moving forward and start living again. “Good, we’ll talk more about it as the time to move comes closer. I’m not good at being patient.”