DeltaRose

This is just me, talking about my life. If you don’t wanna read it or see it, move on.

[nothingspecialjustasoul]

I should've hugged you tighter the last time I saw you.

[deltarose]

Maybe sometimes I just need to be sad because I spend so much time trying to convince people I’m not.

[coffeeacademia]

being alive is like,, being so full of love and so full of loss at the same time. a lot to carry around either way.

[deltarose]

It is late, and my thoughts are full. Swirling and twisting around my mind. I am by myself. Trapped. Alone. Empty.

Trigger warning- grief, death

I may have spoken about this some, but anyone who knows who I am, knows I’m bound to repeat myself as one does.

My grandfather. My last memory of him is when I went to our family cabin for the weekend, it was almost 10 years ago. He had to head home early for an oxygen delivery because he was low. He came back the day I had to go home. When I said I had to get ready. I remember his face dropping as he said “but i just got back”, my grandma fussed at him “well William if you had prepared like I told you to you would’ve been here the whole time.”

The last memory of my aunt? Was going to my grandmothers funeral. My uncle was still alive, they wore grief well. But maybe that was the booze. They opened their home while I was up there, my uncle cracking jokes. My aunt accidentally encouraging me to eat rancid fruit as she hadn’t realized it went bad.

My childhood friend. Our last interaction was catching up after being out of touch. Clearing up misunderstanding, promising to reconnect and support, only to fall through. It was almost poetic that she was found on her birthday. Heart breaking, shattering.

Then our ferret? Why do animals hurt so badly. She got sick so fast, I was up every two hours, coming home on lunches to emergency feed her, medicate her. Only for our last moments to be seizing while we are begging vets to see us, to help us, then to take her out of her misery. My husband begging whatever being that exists in the heavens not to take this small creature from us. I still deeply feel that one. I carry so much in my head. Maybe I didn’t get up often enough? Maybe I didn’t feed her the medications correctly. She was on 6. Her last screech replays in my head as I try to figure out anything I could’ve done to relieve her. To relieve the pain my husband felt. To relieve the guilt that weighs on me every day.

Life is horrific. Dark. Seemingly empty.

But it has moments, our ferret playing with her brothers. My grandfather taking me on trails around our family cabin. My aunts kindness and love for dragons. One of my best friend’s vibrant dreams that never became realized.

And I’m just here. In the dark. Thinking. Alone

[the-lovely-lost-96]

Once again. Life is weird. On Nov 15th one of my best friends went missing. Her boyfriend didn’t say anything about it for two days until he involved her sister. I could speculate, but I have plenty of time to do that between now and eternity.

We pushed out information. About her. I pushed her face in front of every social media I could think of that would be able to see it. I pushed it on 5 local Facebook groups. 2 Reddit pages. I pushed it *hard*. Even discord groups that were local to me.

And now it’s bizarre to think today, on my friends’ birthday (she was turning 29). That she was found in a creek bed near a hotel, almost two and a half hours away from home. From her friends. That she took her last breath. And as of right now, they’re ruling it self inflicted. There’s so many details that doesn’t make sense. But I guess that’s the weird thing. It doesn’t have to make sense to me.

There’s a chance it will never make sense to me.

There’s a chance I’ll never get all the answers.

Only speculation. And what I think happened.

Hold your loved ones extra close. Pick a trusted person to be your legacy key holder for your phone. You’ll never know when it’ll be your last time seeing someone. Love them more. Make notes of memories and love so if your loved one has the unfortunate reality of having to use the legacy key, they can see all the memories you held significant and loved.

[deltarose]

He doesn’t want to spend time together.

He doesn’t wanna give me kisses outside of the one when he leaves in the morning.

He doesn’t hug me

Doesn’t really say he loves me without being prompted.

He barely speaks to me.

He’s too tired to help determine dinner.

Too tired to watch a movie with me

Too tired to play a game with me

Too tired to love me.

But he wants more sex. So I should put in more effort to make that happen for him when he’s too tired to make me feel like more than a fuck maid.

What’s the point?

[thoughtkick]

“The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.”

— Law of Attraction

[deltarose]

Trigger warning: divorce, cheating

My mom and I meet for lunch occasionally. Adulting is full of busy bee at work and home, I don’t have a ton of extra time. She had told me she had something to tell me and I spent a week stressing over it.

She started her spiel with “you know I’ve been unhappy for a while” and presented me with separating from my stepdad. In addition to that, she told me she was actively seeing a new man that she met through work. My mom and my stepdad have been married for probably 12-14 years. She told him two weeks ago she wanted to separate, she’s been talking to this new man since November. She seems happy which is….great??? But a lack of communication and a relationship full of passive aggressive assumptions caused her current one to fall apart. I don’t blame her for having mourned her relationship and being unwilling to reconcile, I also recognize I couldn’t convince her otherwise. I do think instead of jumping in to a new relationship, she probably should’ve pursued therapy.

But I still feel bad for my step dad. He just had rotator cuff surgery, his dad more or less disowned him over things his mother was telling him. For reference he is adopted and had taken his mom and dad’s family name. His mom told his dad that basically he (stepdad) hated him and went back to the name he had before being adopted. His dad believed her. We got to meet his parents once then never again. His mom is completely no contact. His dad has since passed away, his mom didn’t even tell him. It was his sister that told him that his dad had passed. He probably should’ve also pursued therapy.

She spent our whole lunch telling me about this new guy. And while I know their separation has nothing to do with me, I’m low key devastated this is how my mom went with this. I just can’t identify which part I’m most upset about. My stepdad didn’t deserve that. Maybe he wasn’t up to what my mom wanted anymore, but he deserved to know she was checked out of the relationship before she started seeing another guy. And yes, she has spent a weekend with this new guy already. I don’t know. I completely disagree with the way my mom did this, and realistically if my stepdad decides to make this a big deal when they go to divorce, we’re in a Bible Belt state, he could mop the floor with her if he has proof of her and this new dudes relationship.

My stepdad was worried I’d be mad at him for some reason. And wanted my mom to tell me that even though they’re separating, if I needed anything I could reach out and if shit ever hit the fan, I’d have a place to stay as he’s keeping the house that him and my mom bought together.

Life can be exhausting.

[deltarose]

A gentle reminder that even on the days everything feels dark and you feel empty, you carry value beyond comprehension.

It’s okay for it to be dark and empty for a little.

The light is coming, hang in there.

[thoughtkick]

“Your mind is programmable, if you’re not programming it, then someone else will program it for you.”

— Jeremy Hammond

[deltarose]

We don’t talk anymore.

But I still think of you when I see things you introduced me to.

We don’t talk anymore.

But I still hope your holidays are treating you well.

We don’t talk anymore.

But there’s not a day I don’t think of something we did or said.

We don’t talk anymore.

But I still think of the ways I could’ve been a better friend.

We don’t talk anymore.

But I hope your mom is doing okay and that she knows I still think of her.

We don’t talk anymore.

But I still hope for your success.

We don’t talk anymore….

But there’s days I still wish we did.

[deltarose]

I don’t crave the finer things in life,

I crave the things that make me happy and feel fulfilled.

I crave feeling successful meaning bills are paid without stress.

I crave just a little more than just survival

[youkaiyume]

[thoughtkick]

“I wanna live not just survive.”

— Unknown

[deltarose]

I hope that one day, the only thing that’s on your mind is peace.

I hope that your peace feels like warmth against your skin.

I hope that that warmth leads to rest.

I hope that one day the pain you endured, the tragedy falls away,

I hope that one day, you clasp your hands and hold your head up high knowing you healed.

On the days your healing doesn’t feel like enough or like it’s been worked through, I hope you can still reflect on how far you’ve come.

[deltarose]

Some days

You’re laughing with your best friend feeling on top of the world

Some days

You’re in a room full of people you know and care about with the world on top of you

There will be better days

There will be worse days

[whydousernamesevenexist]

Btw don't shut up you're not annoying