An attempt at dating as a demi person

Not quite sure where I'm going with this but I am trying online dating for the first time and want to dump my thoughts somewhere.

[demi-dating-rambles]

Maybe some context about me first. I have been a demiromantic and demisexual neurodivergent all my life, but I've only realized (and put a name to it) in my early 30s cause I had been in a very long term relationship that had naturally developed very slowly when it first started. That relationship has amiably ended a few years ago and despite being content by myself, I think it could be nice to have a dedicated person to spend time with and see where it goes.

So yeah, I have decided to see what all the fuss about online dating is about and give one of those apps a try. You're welcome to follow my stream of consciousness about it. Also, fair warning, I have decided to approach this with zero filter or masking.

[demi-dating-rambles]

So where are all those eligible, kind and kinky twinks (gn) in my area? I think I've been lied to.

[demi-dating-rambles]

Still looking... Also, how does one even start to look into finding a soft dom kind of person? Is there a specific app? Website? Please don't tell I'm expected to go to a club?

I'm wondering if I might meet interesting people at London Pride, but how does one approach people? 🫣

[demi-dating-rambles]

So where are all those eligible, kind and kinky twinks (gn) in my area? I think I've been lied to.

[demi-dating-rambles]

Update!

So yeah, I'm back on here. Would have been a bit unlikely to work out on the first try, right?

Nothing bad happened, I just realized that we're not compatible long term. So now I have added a few more things to my wish list (that are not really negotiable, so maybe it's a demand list?).

Attentive

Able to feed themselves

No starfishs

[demi-dating-rambles]

Update time!

It's been going pretty great. The talking-and-walking-for-hours has so far continued for a week (we have both felt comfortable to add hand holding and kissing to things-we-do about halfway through that time).

We talked about our experiences with (and frequent lack thereof) sexual desire, he's definitely also on the ace spectrum and still figuring out how things work exactly.

What so far worked great is us both very clearly stating boundaries and having them absolutely respected. Which - to me - might be the sexiest thing another person has done, ever, not gonna lie.

I'm still ambivalent about the premise of dating apps, but I felt it was very helpful to enter the interaction with a clear (as clear as can be with a couple of demi/aces) intention of this to be romantic if we both agree. No guessing and accidental friend zoning.

Edit: I have to do some travelling for a few weeks, so we'll have to test how this holds up to long-distance for a bit. Wish me luck.

[demi-dating-rambles]

The museum trip somehow turned into 9h of walking around, talking, food and more talking. Including an hour long meandering philosophical discussion about the concept of free will.

We have discovered that he is just my brand of neurodivergent so the no-filter approach is working great and we just talk about boundries and wishes and how we'd like to approach things.

I feel like I've fallen into a fic tagged communication-porn and it's pretty glorious.

[watermelonbugs]

Being demiromantic but wanting a relationship is weird, cause like. Someone could (hypothetically) ask me out. And, like. There's a chance that I would like them if I got to know them. But I don't like them romantically right at this moment.

So, like, realistically, the situation is "I don't really want to date you right now, but if you wanted to be friends for like several months to several years there's a CHANCE I will become romantically attracted to you. Maybe."

But I can't explain that without feeling like I'm leading someone on.

So then uh. It's just kinda. "Sorry, I'm not interested" WHICH ISN'T A LIE BUT IT'S ALSO NOT REALLY TRUE

Idk this is kind of a fear of mine actually, having to deal with this situation.

[demi-dating-rambles]

Exactly this!! I'm not "leading anyone on" on purpose, I genuinely don't know yet.

It's a fine line and it's scary as hell.

[demi-dating-rambles]

That went really well! I think. We walked around and chatted about stuff (no smalltalk involved!) for 3h. Pre-negotiating boundaries rules!

Meeting again tomorrow for a museum trip!

[demi-dating-rambles]

Is it weird to wear the same thing as in one of the pictures?

[demi-dating-rambles]

(finally caught up with the backlog posts, so we're now "live")

I've been at this for a bit more than a week now and my experience is mixed.

There's a lot of people I am absolutely not interested in (tbf I do have a lot of things that need to match to even entertain getting into this) but there are a few every now and then that peak my interest.

What seems to be my system for now is: some aesthetic attraction -> look at pictures -> check key features (match on no smoking, no wanting kids, liberal) -> look at prompts.

Highlights:

I have actually matched with a rather attractive, also demi, man that so far has been great to text with. We have planned a "date" this week to do a vibe check and to see if there's a possibility of this maybe going anywhere. Not that either of us would really know rn. Which is the most reassuring bit about this.

Lowlights:

I've been told by a genderfluid person that I "look like a x" and should rethink my gender identity (which is firmly genderagnostic) because I'm too subtle. Well, thank you for that...

[demi-dating-rambles]

If the profile does not explicitely state "straight", can I assume at least a little bit of spicy-ness? Here's hoping.

Sus of people hyping Harry Potter...

If someone puts zero effort into a profile, I have to assume they will put zero effort into a relationship. Right?

[demi-dating-rambles]

I have officially started overanalyzing people's choice in photos.

I've also started wondering if this blog makes me seem like a horrible person.

[demi-dating-rambles]

Anyone who is looking for a "girl" or "lady" is also out. I am most definitely neither of those. Being mostly face blind is making this an experience... Didn't I just see that one?

Come on, some of those pictures are clearly AI generated... Why?

[demi-dating-rambles]

Ah, so it wants me to pay to be able to set more filters. Of course. Not tempted yet.

[demi-dating-rambles]

First thoughts on other people's profiles:

Why is everybody playing tennis and drinking negronis? Or watch Formula 1.

Seems like I have to scroll past a lot of gym bros (happy for them, just not my thing) to get to the twinks.

This is super time consuming and exhausting.

I have decided to employ a triage system:

Gates are "is there any aesthetic attraction?" (no half naked gym pics please), "want children" as well as smoking is a hard no, also a no to people with cats (I am very allergic) and dogs (I like them but caring for a pet of my own is not part of my plan so I love that for all the dog owners, it's just not for me). Undecided on people that include their zodiac sign. Oh, and anything other than "liberal" is also a no.

Am I too picky?

Please don't use group pictures, how would I know which one they are and did they ask the other people in the photo if they're okay with being posted? Blurred out ones are fine.

Yes I do have a thing for long eye lashes, thank you for asking.

And earrings, apparently.

And narrow hips. I guess at least I'm getting a better idea of what my type actually is.

[demi-dating-rambles]

K, so I have downloaded an app and filled out pictures and prompts. Seemed a bit silly but the "matching" needs to start somewhere?

I guess my type is "most often amab but of ambiguous gender presentation", which is somehow not a predefined option. Going with "men" and "non-binary", let's see how that goes and hope it won't turn out horrible.

Happy to see I was able to pick "demi", even if it didn't let me specify further. Does it assume pan? Straight?

Started clicking. (Already deployed my first "rose" by accident when clicking on it to see what the icon was). We're off to a great start!