What should name these ramblings?
The spouting of a mad men , but whatās mad abut being unsure?
Listening to conversations, and watching tv shows, Iāve realized itās normal to doubt. Although doubting could stop potential blessings, because youāre too busy seeing it as a potential curse. I know that feeling all too well, the feeling of wanting to be something, but then not believing you could be. Because why would somebody want to read, or hear from someone like me? āiām cursedā i would tell myself over and over. āthereās something wrong with youā I reiterated to myself. There must be because I wonāt leave this bed and move my feet. There must be , because I feel I donāt have support enough to keep standing. To keep moving forward, as I always do, and then fall flat on my face. āI must be cursed , or god hates meā I continued to remind myself.
I expected this human man (myself) to come with no flaws. I expected to be perfect, and that if I had flaws, no would see or speak of them. Letās pretend that we are all perfect, but I noticed that I wasnāt willing to pretend. I would see flaws and make fun of them because it made me feel superior. It felt nice to pick someone a part for once, and watch them feel unsure and as i felt all the time. I wanted to take away everything from people because I felt i had nothing. If I had a friend it was only to feel better than them, until I didnāt. Because truth is, Iām not better than anybody. None of us are but we seek that hierarchy to feel better. We need that sense of importance because people told us we had to be on top. On the top of mountains were salvation lie waiting for us. Iāve climbed mountains only to fall , stand up, and try again. If I cared enough, I would keep standing until I got on top (or my version on top), which , in my opinion, always felt midway. I felt as if I were watching the view from the side of the mountain. Not to mention , itās hard to enjoy the view, when youāre wondering āwhat does the view up there look like?ā
āThe view is probably the sameā I tell myself as I broke my neck to see what others are doing. I watch for what I could see, and then iād compare, or feel in despair because iām not there. But if I were there, would I be happy?
Is what I see on the screen what I want?
Or what I feel I should want?
itās what I feel that I need?
but would I feel whole, or would I feel the need to post it?
Would I be happy? I would love to jump out of a plane to the top of mountains. But then what lesson did I learn? If Iām not willing to struggle for it, then part of me must feel itās not enough. Itās not what I am seeking, because my heart isnāt in it. āwhat do you need?ā I asked myself. āwhat is it that you require to keep moving forward?ā I want to more gentle with myself. I would practice saying things to myself I never would, because I felt I didnāt deserve loving words. (I have my reasons, but itās not my place to share those reasons)
āItās okay, just try againā I would say
āyou got this, get your head in the gameā
āfuck this shit, piece of cakeā
āokay this one is hard af, but we gonna get itā
I would repeat these words, because I need them. If Iām gonna to be the change I want to see. I have to start caring about myself, and loving myself. Because Iām tired of the self hate, and the bullying. Most times, I am my worst critic ; beating myself down until I wasnāt able to walk and talk. I felt like a glitch in the system, because I wasnāt happy and I wanted to only see pain. I wanted to feel pain because pain helps create, and I need to create something from all thisā¦so I needed more pain. Whatever it takes.
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