Parting ways with familiar routine is difficult. I feel exhausted from working so much, but moving in 4 days on top of that is incredibly draining. My brain hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts. Wah wah wah you get it. So, I wanted to wake up early and just write. I miss writing, I miss getting lost in my own thoughts. Thereās something magical in just letting your mind wander without any task at hand. Most of my brain power right now is going towards āhow prepared am I to move? What do I need to do and how much of it is done? When will I find the time to work on that list of *~things~*? Itās not easy when you said yes to 6 day work weeks this month, let me tell ya! Thereās this tunnel vision of the end goal and what needs to be done to get there. Itās rather numbing when you think of everything that way. Iāll go go go, and then when I take a second every couple days to just process everything that is happening, I just get super emotional and question it all. Seeing your old room empty with boxes evokes a strong feeling of nostalgia and the thoughts of ādid I do everything right when I was here? How did I grow? Did I even grow at all? What have I learned? What did I wish I learned earlier?ā And let me tell you, thereās so many things I wish I would have just let myself learn earlier instead of being headstrong and doing everything my way. I feel like this past year I did a lot of things right. I let go of a lot of my ego, which was a big deflating and inflating balloon that never had any balance from the time I was 15 until I was about 22. I used to put so much value on things that donāt matter. I wanted to make more and more money, I always wanted to look perfect, I wanted everyone to love me. Itās so funny to look back and think, why did I give a single fuck about any of that? I justified everything through the idea of āwell, Iām working SUPER hard, so that means Iām doing it right!ā Wrong. Iāve learned that hard work is great, but only on things that truly matter. Donāt get me wrong, itās super easy to get sucked into *~ideas~*. What you think your life should look like vs what it actually looks like are usually two completely different things. And I think the biggest part in being happy is being at peace through the journey and knowing that the outcome will be perfect in its own imperfect way. Its about feeling the emotions you need to along the way and not just numbing it all because you donāt want to feel (insert unwanted emotion here, for me itās sadness). Itās about letting go. So what if something doesnāt go as planned? Iām sure if I had magical powers and a crystal ball I would look into the future and go āoh yeah look, see, Iām ok.ā Itās the expectations that kill us. We just need to keep in mind that itās all going to be fine. Change is good! Itās even nice to be writing this down because I need to remind myself, āhey, calm down, itās all gonna be ok.ā Yes, Iām tired, yes, it was a little dumb to push my moving date up two weeks full well knowing that it was going to be more stressful. Yes, this is one of the most dramatic life changes I have ever experienced. But Iām ready to live alone for a while, to form new routines, to learn more about myself and continue to blossom. But in order to blossom, I have to let certain parts of myself die, which is really REALLY hard. I used to think of myself as a *~free spirit~* and hell, I was shackled to the fuckin wall because I had to have control over every single solitary thing. That wasnāt a way to live life. BUT that awareness and conscious decision to just let go this past year or so was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. The best thing I can do is be prepared, give myself water (which right now feels like a goddamn monsoon) and sunlight. Like the flowers in the spring, itās almost time to bloom once again.
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gracieabrams
jimmyeatworldofficial
gummygunk
