“I am a monster,” I say as I sit in the aftermath of my sins.
“I am a monster,” I repeat to myself, to truly seal it in.
“I am a monster,” I declare a third time, believing it.
“Am I a monster?” This time I ask myself.
Why do I call myself such? What had I done to instigate this belief buried so deep into my skin? Far deeper than the blade that cuts my flesh.
A love bright as the sun bloomed in my heart. Only, this love was unshared, unreciprocated. Smitten like a little girl, broken like a porcelain doll.
But all this time you had been here. Here to support my pursuit, to accompany me home, to stay when I needed that comfort.
And so I fell, for none other than you and you didn't hesitate to partake in that fondness.
Stolen innocence and shared grief. Bonds over pain and taking it back. We stood against the current, ones that taunted us as broken and unmended. Two beings against the world.
But I still stood unmet, unmet with my needs, unmet with my desires.
A hunger so insatiable, I sought the fill elsewhere. I sought from a man so measly and unremarkable, he was never the reason.
For I'm at fault. It was my choice, my action, my lust that overpowered any meaning, or lack thereof, in the deed.
I betrayed you, betrayed your trust, and, ultimately, betrayed myself. For this action, as it stands, is irreversible. The damage had been done, the pain had been dealt, and the cracks began to fester and slither.
You didn't leave though, that was most surprising. You didn't want to lose me, the monster who hurt you.
Still, the bond will never be the same. I was left begging for scraps of what used to be. A hint of praise here, a bit of proof there. Proof that you were still with me, knowing full well you shouldn't be.
So in hopes that you would realize your lack of self-respect, I made the decision for you, to break free from me, the monster who hurt you.
“You deserve better,” I justified.
“I'm not the one for you,” I pleaded
“I am a monster,” I voiced for once.
The words stuck to me, a label self-imposed.
“I am a monster,” I reassured
“I am a monster,” I begged myself to believe.
“I am a monster,” I whimpered as the blade dug into my skin.
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