what you don’t know can’t haunt you, @nouvelis: seojung.
the fears have long embedded themselves in his flesh. past skin, they have atrophied so thoroughly, spreading carcinogenic reveries. he cannot lie, the entire scheme has permeated into too many components of his being, to the point where living a fabricated life no longer felt as such. it comes so naturally with the passing years. all that he knows: the culture of opulence waiting to happen once the privileges once removed are to return. and for that, he was never ready. he’s always been adorning himself with the simple, humble honesty that even himself starts believing in them. he’s been living in them; it was comfortable, it was complacent. and when the chrysalis of comfort ruptures, nothing ever truly prepared him for it. it was supposedly seamless, the transition. typically, not many would object to the life in such luxe, falling into a state so despondent. it is not the case with jung uriel.
the gala attended last weekend was none other than a nightmare. the reinstallation of himself within the gilded circles he once departed from as a child, his name fading from their memories now replenished… he could not revert from it. he had known that his lover would be there too, their worlds now merging in ways that uriel wasn’t prepared for. there had been a myriad of forewarning flashing in his own mind, telling himself that the best way to go about it would be through the decent honesty towards his lover prior to this. he kept delaying, scared. he kept evading… and now that the day came and passed, he was left with the immersive laments, lacerating himself so deep he went home to the core of apgujeong again, hiding. seojung’s response during the party was underwhelming, almost, and that gnawed on uriel more than being confronted. the sarcasm lacing seojung’s words are now this threat for their nearly year-long relationship, carving worries… he wonders if seojung would be so wounded their breakup is pretty much tabled, so it takes him nearly a week before he can cease leaving seojung’s messages on read.
and those messages sitting on his kkt, they did not help sate his concerns, even when they’re beyond justified. seojung is arguably angered, or at the very least perplexed. a new friend, right. those messages needled into the nerves, for he did not know how to address those questions without speaking in person with his lover. and he promised himself he would in due time, when he is ready. today is the day of confronting all those latent dreads, the way seojung treating him like a stranger in the public expected, but detriment nonetheless. and he cannot even infer the meaning behind seojung’s questions from those texts either: is his name really jung uriel, is his lover really pak seojung? yes, and yes. but it matters naught, now. he cannot just confirm all those without elaborating on the background as to why it commenced to start with. for that, today’s date instills so much jitter within that uriel cannot help but shakes his legs in worries as he waits for seojung’s arrival.
in this private chamber rented based on the perks from… well, the ownership over the mother brand of this high-end restaurant, he cannot help but pursue and pervade his own trains of thoughts. it is a ring of fire, but if today is the end of their rather short-lived relationship in the case that seojung cannot accept such a colossal tessellate of lies, then so be it. uriel has braced for the worst at this point, the whole week of contemplation should suffice the mental breakdown. he doesn’t know how else to embrace the possibilities of sorrow, for this is all his fault. and for his fault, he is more than willing to make amend. but he doesn’t know how. doesn’t know what. he knows of what might cascade from the reinstatement, his father’s words final. and so, he can no longer hide behind the cloak of the simplicity. back to the world of spotlights, together with seojung, he knows it will complicate everything on top of their already veneered, fixated complexities.
clad in his expensive, personally tailored formal suit, now, he still feels out of place. he chose this place for the perks, still being somewhat reserved about his monetary decisions. the sense of belongingness absent, he’s constructed out of defense mechanism. everything that they had might crumble at any given moment. worst case scenarios carve imbibing fright, still, but there’s no backing off. when seojung comes, he doesn’t know how to smile, how to talk. greetings feel improper when he’s ignored seojung’s messages for the whole week. he’s ordered what seojung might like — the stacked knowledge on seojung’s impeccable taste in cuisines something that uriel did not manage to miss, the details of his beloved always of astonishing importance. “hi,” he awkwardly begins after seojung is seated. the room reserved for them, he ensures their privacy without a hitch. “sorry, i… took the liberty to order your food… and uh, sorry about the messages, too.”
under the table, his hands fidget. this reminds him of that stupor-ridden night again, inebriation a factor to determine their genesis, surprisingly so. now, he’s more than sober, exuding the charms that he should have since the beginning. he worries his lip between his teeth as he looks away from seojung, before compelling himself to look back at seojung. he cannot decipher seojung’s countenance at this point, mind clouded by his own doused panic. “just… to start with, i’ve… never lied about this relationship,” he swallows, finding how seojung’s eyes are now unsettling. “i truly do mean every single thing i have said to you, but… let me just… say that i’m sorry for lying so much… maybe too much.” he looks down, now. embarrassment creeps up his face, suffusing blood to his cheeks. “my name is still the same. my lover, too. i have not loved anyone this way as much as i do love you… so that, i promise you, is the truth.”
sighs, then. he discards the idea of the gaze as he’s too ashamed of meeting seojung in the eye, now. “i… uh. everything about my background is based on lies, i know, but i wanted to tell the truth to you face-to-face, so i’m sorry for not replying to any of your attempts to contact me.” rapid heartbeats, siphoned in the silence of the moment. “the truth… is that yes, i’m… not exactly the employee. i mean… i mean i was, but it was in this deal i have with my father. you see,” and sees his own hands, resting on his lap as they’re wrung together, “i… was meant to learn the ropes of the working world, and before that, i was meant to learn how to struggle, which made me the person that i am today. so that… too, isn’t a lie.” a lapse, almost disconcerting. “you met the genuine me. what’s different is how much money that i’m going to make, perhaps. it’s… i… don’t lie about my heart. my love. but if you think… this is too big of a lie, i would understand that this broken trust might… end our relationship.” and goodness, ruminating is one thing, enunciating is another. when his eyes water again, he’s taken down the memory lane. “my father… knows. about me, i mean. that i’m not going to be the son he wants me to be, so this deal is just… an unspoken way of him trying to accept me. it was absurd at first, but i want to… i want to just love whoever i want. and in this case… in this case, it’s you.”
