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"https://thecentreforhealing.com.au/single-post/2021/4/13/understanding-interpersonal-trauma-and-its-effects-in-relationships
Trauma comes in various forms and is categorized in several ways. Two of the main groups used for identifying trauma are “Big T” and “little t” traumas; Big T Traumas are often considered traumatic by large groups of people, such as a plane crash, or the loss of a loved one. Little t traumas, on the other hand, are usually felt on a personal level, such as the loss of a pet or an emotional breakup.
Within these two groups, there are three different classifications;
1) Acute Trauma: usually means one event or instance that has enough impact to threaten the persons emotional and physical security, generally Big T
2) Chronic Trauma: when an individual is exposed to trauma, either Big T or Little t, repeatedly, for extended periods of time
3) Complex Trauma: can be explained as a combination of traumatic experiences that fit into multiple categories of classification. This can include Big T, little t, Acute, and Chronic traumas, and is often a result of trauma related to interpersonal relationships, such as childhood abuse or civil dispute.
While understanding that creating labels for a group of displayed symptoms can be helpful in identifying root causes and proceeding with treatment, it is also important to understand that every single case of trauma in an individual is as unique as the individual themselves, and that there is no “single cure,” for individuals who have experienced trauma.
Children who experience complex trauma in their early years can develop behaviours and communication mechanisms, often subconsciously, that serve them in traumatizing situations. These coping methods are responses to stressful and often mentally contradictory environments. They can be beneficial or detrimental, and are completely normal given the situation. Coping methods can include, but are not limited to;
• Altered ability to concentrate
• Paying a lot/only a little attention
• Advanced memory/forgetfulness
• Intense decision making
• Feeling and/or acting irritable or emotional
• Increased/decreased hygiene/self-care habits
• Changing/changed communication
• Changing/changed opinions, beliefs, values, morals, etc.
While these coping methods serve a traumatized individual in the moment of chaos, the constant confusion and tension can create judgement of one’s self and one’s coping methods, and can make it extremely difficult for an individual to focus on healing from previous traumas. However, if an individual can be removed or can remove themselves from a traumatizing situation, and start to set healthy boundaries in place, they can then start to examine their own inner thoughts, motives, beliefs, and personal judgements.
Liam grew up loving music. At 12 years old, he saved up enough money to buy his first keyboard, and one of his favourite things to do was practice. Liams father grew up in an abusive home, was an alcoholic, and although he tried to stay sober, fell off the bandwagon from time to time and beat Liam. Liam learned very early on that practicing piano around his father would result in his father becoming angry, and possibly earn Liam a beating. He understood that he was good at playing piano, and that playing piano was good. However, due to his fathers unhealed trauma, Liam learned early on to associate playing piano around others with punishment. As he grew into a teenager, he was forced to practice alone. Liam started to believe the idea that his music was what triggered the abuse, and therefore built coping methods as a result. When Liam was finally old enough to move out, he found a place, and quickly set up a studio to practice and record. He created demo’s, a website, and various social media platforms and within a week, was offered a gig.
Liam is initially ecstatic, but soon realizes he has an intense fear of performing live, much to his dismay. He imagined this day for so long, but the reality of a gig seems daunting and he starts to feel sick and anxious. Liam wonders why he hadn’t seen this coming, and upon some further internal digging, realizes he had been so focused on his survival that he had never had the time to contemplate how his father's abuse had impacted him. Liam decides to take some time to see a counsellor and ask about these feelings. The counsellor asks him questions that he might have never thought of before, and is able to re-word Liams thoughts in a way that removes the shame and guilt associated with the abuse. Liam is then able to examine his own beliefs about why he thinks playing music live is scary, and with enough effort and practice, is able to reprogram his own thoughts into believing his truth, that he is indeed talented and his music will be appreciated by many.
The process of examining one’s coping methods is used in professional talk therapy and can sometimes be called “Shadow Work.” People who have experienced complex trauma can ask themselves these questions on their own;
a. Who/what told me that my coping methods for survival were wrong?
b. How long have these judgments of myself been sitting with me?
c. What in myself am I avoiding when I project intense emotion?
d. When I feel jealousy, anger, or self-pity, what core belief is underneath that?
After acknowledging and analyzing the answers to these questions personally, one can then shift the focus from what they believe they lack to what their brain is already capable of. Many find they can exponentially increase the amount of healing and growing work they do once they start seeing their trauma coping methods as “Superpowers.” Once the individual can start to see their “flaws,” as learned skills, and their “weaknesses” as strengths, they can then apply those same neurological habit building skills to other areas in life, such as work, relationships, health, etc., and shape themselves going forward.
Often times, a traumatized adult will have over the course of their life, taken on many large projects and responsibilities that require their full attention and effort, including businesses, careers, marriage, and children. While work projects and creative outlets can often be good for those healing from trauma, they can also be a source of triggers. Trauma from either or both partners in a relationship can lead to abuse, so although marriage can be a source of comfort to a traumatized person, it can also create resentment and bitterness if one or both partners is feeling unheard, misunderstood, or neglected. Children have an innate ability to sense trauma from birth. If a traumatized adult has spent their years as a parent avoiding interrogative work, the child may develop similar coping methods to the parent, even if their trauma wasn’t the same. The parent may also be faced with a lot of new and likely uncomfortable emotions when their children become adults, and this may show up in the form of coping methods similar to those used previously in times of crisis, or perhaps new coping methods altogether which seem unrecognizable to the traumatized individual.
Instead of self-shaming and self-judgment for these coping methods, one can instead practice radical self-forgiveness and understanding. If a traumatized parent can set aside an argument with their partner to temporarily care for their children, they can practice doing the same for themselves during an argument or when they are feeling triggered. If an individual says something they regret, they can practice asking themselves interrogative questions, and meditating on those answers. With the right intentions, the person may be able to determine where they heard or read the misinformation, why it sat for so long, and how to forgive themselves for saying or doing something that could hurt themselves and/or others. This process of self-forgiveness is a crucial first step in repairing any relationship.
Trauma can almost be looked at like colours in a rainbow. Like our life experiences, a rainbow is made up of many different colours, and those colours blend and overlap and mix to create different pictures. Some people grow up experiencing all of the different colours, some learn a few, some learn one, and some learn black and white. When someone feels more like a Blue-Green person, they might feel like they can’t relate to Orange and Purple people. That is not to say that being a Blue-Green person is a bad thing, as without the colours Blue and Green, the rainbow would be incomplete. Blue-Green people, just like anyone else, can use their Blue-Green coping methods to relate to other Blue, Green, or Blue-Green people.
If, in a traumatizing situation, a Blue-Green person is trying to communicate or co-operate with a Green person, they may feel the need to tone their Blue down a little. Sometimes this process of “toning your colours down,” can be helpful in times of crisis, like Liam with the piano. It can also lead to feelings of suppression and resentment when an individual does not feel emotionally or physically safe to be their authentic self. These feelings can cause the traumatized individual to act out their coping methods, which can trigger negative or hurtful behaviours expressed by themselves or an abuser, and the cycle continues.
It is not impossible for a Blue-Green person to learn one or more colours, or to become a “Rainbow Person,” if they choose to do so. Healing, much like trauma, is unique to the individual and can look completely different on everyone. Some methods of healing can include, but are not limited to;
• Medication (natural or pharmaceutical)
• Exercise, diet, and lifestyle changes
• Spending time with loved ones (with healthy boundaries in place)
• Practicing self-awareness, kindness, and compassion
It is important to understand that once an individual has taken the first step towards healing, they have not only accomplished the hardest part, but they have also guaranteed their success. With every step they continue to take towards learning, growing, and healing, will come more self assurance and confidence, strength, and will power, and the cyclical healing will continue."
