Deposit Box

a storage space for my thoughts; an online pandora's box; a time capsule

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It's Christmas vacation and I have time on my hands. I better blog about life. Here goes. A lot of people have been saying that I got fatter. I recently found out that this is true. I saw a video of me in 4th yr high school and my arms were so thin back then!!! Surprisingly, I didn't care. I guess I'm done with caring about how I look. I've turned into this self-unconscious person which is so different from what I was back in grade school and high school. I don't care that I got fatter. I don't care if people see me in ugly clothes. I've learned to be ultra-comfortable in my own skin and I feel great about it. Although, the downside to this is that I don't watch what I eat; My tummy's starting to bulge.....the bulge's even higher than my breast bulge/the bulge of my breast (?) Lately I've been watching Avatar. I've finished The Last Airbender, and the Legend of Korra AND THE LAST AIRBENDER WAS NO DOUBT WAY BETTER THAN THE LEGEND OF KORRA, STORYLINE-WISE AND CHARACTER-WISE. And I like Aang better than Korra as an avatar. I disliked Korra starting from the very first episode. I hated that she was so proud and that she always disrespected Tenzin. Ugh I just hate her. Regardless, I finished watching Korra and now I have nothing to do. I'm still so caught up with Zuko and Katara! I want them to end up together sooo badly! I even read zutara smut in my spare time, that's how frustrated I am! And I have this huge crush on Zuko...which is so depressing cause he's fictional............... :( I'm starting to understand the "fangirl" mentality and all those people who spend all their time online, looking for fanfics and looking at fan art. I used to look down on those people. HAHA -__-

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The Jurassic Roll from Omakase. It's good. Can't decide which I like better; the dynamite roll or this? The latter is cheaper so I guess I'll go with that one. 

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May 24, 2014// 5th entry // Thoughts and Feelings

My current happiness is making me feel guilty. At times of fleeting bliss and gaiety, I feel like I'm forgetting Mita. I have this inner struggle, this imperative, that I must constantly think about Mita and be sad about her death. I feel guilt whenever I'm happy. What is wrong with me? 

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May 24, 2014// 4th entry // Life lately

I'm officially on vacation now. I have more or less 2 months of vacation left and I'm afraid it's going to make me obese. I've been doing nothing but eating. Eating in malls, eating in subic, eating in the car, eating in my room, eating eating eating. Oh, and I read books too. But I've stopped the current book I was reading because it's quite dragging. I've read 1/4 of the book and it still hasn't proven it's worth to me. If you must know, the current book I'm reading is called "The Interview with the Vampire" by Anne Rice. I bought it at a book sale in school for 180 pesos. The reason why I bought it is kind of stupid. I just bought it because I heard some guy say that he really wants to buy it, but has no money for it. Therefore I assumed that it was definitely a good book. (I also bought Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides because I thought it was about a bisexual. I thought I could relate to it. Turns out, it's about a hermaphrodite. But still, I hope it's a good book!) My point is, the book I'm currently reading SUCKS. I can't just switch into another book because I don't like leaving a book unfinished. When I leave a book unfinished I get this terrible feeling in my gut that won't stop unless I finish the said book. Google tells me that the said book has been made into a movie in the past and that it was actually a good movie. I hope the book reveals this awesomeness to me in the next chapters. Say something I'm giving up on you, book. 

This post is not about books, though. This post is about the food I've been eating for the past days. Because I like remembering the good food I eat, I take pictures of them. Here are some of the photos:

A plate of nachos from Casa Verde at UP Town Center. Although it may seem like a "starter" this plate of nachos got me full in just a matter of 4 bites. 

Dynamite roll from Omakase. This isn't much to look at, but this is THE BEST SUSHI I'VE EVER TASTED. THE BEST. Since I've tasted the dynamite roll, I've vowed to try all the kinds of sushi (makimono) in Omakase. So far I've tried the Philadelphia Roll, the American Roll, the Spicy Tuna roll and the Salmon Skin Roll...but none of these compare to the Dynamite Roll. It's still the best for me. I've promised myself that I won't re-order sushi that I've tried before but the universe (my tummy) is telling me that I have to order the Dynamite Roll again. It's just too good to resist. I wish for more self control, please. Here's a photo of Omakase's SAR platter (contains American Roll, Salmon Skin roll and Spicy tuna roll)

It looks good. It tastes okay. Enough said. THE DYNAMITE ROLL IS STILL THE BEST FOR ME. 

Bacon, eggs, herbed-hashbrowns and french toast from Rustic Mornings by Isabelo. The french toast was so good. Sooooo good. I'll definitely go back for their french toast. Bacon was good too. The hashbrowns tasted like hashbrowns. I don't know what herbs were put in them, but I didn't taste any herbs at all. It tasted like a hashbrown. Nonetheless, the french toast and the bacon saved the dish for me! And the eggs. I can never say no to eggs. 

Spicy Tuna Salad from Omakase. This is good. But love for sashimi is an acquired taste. Still working on acquiring it.

I hope I don't eat too much this summer. I love eating, but I hate feeling lethargic and heavy all the time. Oh the irony, oh the struggle. What am I to do?

P.S. I hope I get better at tennis.

P.P.S. I think I want to return to the habit of doing sit-ups before taking a bath. I must maintain this flat-ish, firm-ish stomach.  

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April 26, 2014// 3rd entry // Love

Love is a beautiful thing. but it is also very dangerous. Once you are in a relationship, you make yourself vulnerable, and you make the person you love vulnerable as well. When you commit to someone, you give them power over you. Your emotions, your thoughts, your hours, your days, throughout the relationship, begin to evolve around the person you love. You let yourself be controlled by the one you love, unconsciously. A couple of months into the relationship, you go through the honeymoon phase. Everything is beautiful, both of you are happy and madly in love with each other. A little after this honeymoon phase, you start to fight and issues eventually arise between the two of you. At this point you realize how vulnerable you are. Your happy days will soon turn into days of sadness and days of regret, all because of one fight you had with that one person you love. It's scary to think that when you are in a relationship, you give one person the ability to affect you so easily. When you love someone, you strip down to your most vulnerable state. You take down your walls, you take off your armor, and you destroy your mask for that one person. This is why when that one person hurts you, you break down. You've taken down all your defenses for this person, and that person turns out to hurt you. You have no choice but to rebuild your walls. Stronger, taller walls this time, maybe.

Now don't get me wrong, love also makes you very powerful. This is because when you are in a relationship, you have tremendous power over the other person as well. With one text you can ruin that person's day. You can make that person sad, angry, or doubtful for the rest of the week. 

I'm actually in a relationship right now and I've discovered that as much as I love her, I hate being vulnerable. I don't like being at the mercy of someone else. It's unnerving how easily she can change my mood, how easily she can make me cry. I don't like being this weak. But I have to endure it because she also makes me stronger. Love makes us weak and strong at the same time. Love is a paradox, a contradiction, an irony, and I will never fully understand it. 

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April 24, 2014// 2nd entry// Drinking 

I'm on a roll here so I'm gonna go ahead and write another blog. Here goes. This month, I got drunk for the first time. I got drunk the weekend before summer classes started, and I didn't like it at all. I've always wanted to know what being drunk felt like, but being drunk that weekend was unintentional. I didn't plan on being so inebriated. It just happened because I was dared to drink half a cup of bacardi. It tasted terrible. Alcohol tastes terrible. Sometimes alcohol does taste good, but only because certain non-alcohol liquids are mixed with it. Alcohol, in itself, tastes terrible. Terrible. 

I'm writing this blog so that when I get the urge to drink, I'll be reminded of how terrible it feels like being drunk. 

That night, as I drank my half cup of bacardi, I felt my head throbbing to the beat of heart. It was like I was feeling every throb, every pulse my heart made. Seconds later my head began to spin, and I knew I was drunk. I started acting on impulse. Everything I thought of, I said out loud. I remember someone asking where his/her cup was, and I answered by saying "Right here!" as I cupped my right boob. Or was it both boobs? Anyway, that's the least terrible deed I did when I was drunk. The most terrible was that I kissed four of my friends on the lips that night. Repeatedly. My head was telling me to stop, but I didn't. I just didn't. At that point I took a mental note about being drunk. Being drunk is not losing yourself. Instead, it is losing control over your physical body. In my head, I still knew what was right, what was socially acceptable, and what was not. But my body didn't. It did whatever it wanted to do. I guess what I did when I was drunk tells something about me. Was I craving for human affection? Or did I just want to kiss all my friends? Whatever the reason was, at least I know what I'm like when I'm drunk. 

Drinking is not cool. Being drunk isn't cool. We get the idea that's it's cool because media glorifies it. Series like gossip girl and skins make drinking and doing drugs look so cool. It's not. Well, I don't know what being drugged feels like but I'm sure it's pretty terrible too. Of course all of us might have varying opinions about drinking. Others might like the temporary boldness and reckless spirit it brings about, but I don't. I'm a person who loves being in control, and being comfortable. When I was drunk I had no control, I didn't know what I was going to do next, I didn't know anything. I guess I'm the kind of drunk who wakes up pregnant the next day. 

To all those kids who think that drinking is fun and cool, it's not. What's fun is being with your friends, hanging out, and talking about all sorts of things. What's fun is being able to joke around a bunch of people with no inhibitions holding you back. Drinking, in itself, is not fun. Alcoholic drinks don't taste good. Okay? 

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April 24, 2014// 1st entry// Mita

I deleted my old tumblr account and decided to make a new one. This account will be solely for expressing my thoughts, my feelings and my musings about anything and everything under the sun. STRICLY NO REBLOGS. This is my first blog post here so I've decided to blog about someone very important to me: my grandmother. We call her Mita cause she doesn't like being called lola.

She died of stroke last February 7, 2014. It's been two months now since mita left and I still can't accept the fact that she's gone. The idea of having someone around since you were born and suddenly disappearing seems so absurd to me. Is she really gone? I feel as if it was only yesterday that I last hugged her and kissed her. The wonderful thing is that I still remember how she smells like and how she feels like. A lot of times I find myself craving for her touch, her embrace, and I let my mind do it's job of reminding me what it feels like to hug Mita. For a moment I'll be glad that I still remember it, but then reality sinks in and I'd realize that I could never hug her again. And what happens if I forget how it feels like to hug mita? These thoughts make my mind and my flesh weep. The hairs on my arms begin to stand and a tear pushes its way out of the ducts containing it. Oh how I miss mita, oh how I need her.

I'm crying as I type this sentence. Everything is so blurry, and everything is so painful.

A lot of times I feel so angry at the world for taking Mita, I feel anger towards myself, too. I regret going home late during school nights. I should've just spent my time with Mita. I regret going out with my friends. I should've just spent my time with Mita. I regret being so stressed out about my studies. I should've just spent my time with MIta. I should've entertained her when she initiated small talk with me. She would always ask if I had trouble finding a jeep, and I would always answer "no" dismissively. 

I often imagine that Mita's still around. I imagine her lying down on the sofa, clutching her rosary or her Vicks, with her eyes closed and eyebrows slightly together. What I'd give to see that again. What I'd give to see you again Mita. If there is an afterlife, if there is a heaven, and if souls do exists, I hope you have internet access there Mita. Read this. I love you Mita. It hurts to think that I'd never see you or talk to you again. It fills me with regret and anguish. Oh how I miss you. I think about you everyday Mita. In fact, the thought of you manifests itself in the most unlikely situations. Sometimes I cry at night after watching porn because I think of you and I long for you. In the middle of class discussions about history, I'd think of you and be sad for the rest of the period.

Mita, I want your loss to always be this painful. I never want to forget how I miss you and how I need you. It's scary to think that at one point in my life I'd actually accept the fact that you're gone. I never want to accept it. I want myself to always be sad about it. 

As of now the tears have stopped, and my mouth feels dry. I'll end this blog post here and drink some water. I'd probably think of Mita on my way to the kitchen. Yay :)