Better off dead

*Trigger Warning* I'm Mau, 19 yrs old. If I can help in any way I'm here for you :). Days clean: 11/Jan/2020. Suicidal at best. I don't promote self harm or eating disorders.

[daddystinygirll]

People think I overreact, but they don’t understand that even silence feels like abandonment when you’ve been left too many times.

[pink-heart-writes]

[friendofthefellowshipsnerdblog]

It’s really sad when your wants start turning into wishes. “I want to graduate with honors” is becoming “I really hope that I can get a degree”

“I want to travel the world” is becoming “If I ever have enough money and spoons and can get the right medical help, maybe sometime I’ll get to travel”

“I want to get married” is becoming “I’m not ugly or burdensome but most guys think that I am and I hope I’ll meet someone who doesn’t think like that”

“I want to be an author” is becoming “I hope someday I can have the energy to write again”

And I know that these things are still possible (probably), but I used to be a lot more sure that they would happen, and that’s hard to deal with.

[leafsea]

pretense // 7.8.2023

[addictivities]

Do you ever go “ wow ok” and shut down entirely

[linkinmoon]

Sanober Khan, A Thousand Flamingos

[depressed-in-dusk]

different anon: my fp cut me off their life a while ago and ive find myself "moving on" in a unhealthy way by hating them and thinking of them like theyre an horrible person and a really bad friend, it helped me cope everytime i felt like i missed them

The problem now is that apparently they told a really close shared friend that they miss us and didnt mean to stop talking to us, just saw that we stopped talking in our gc and went by it and, tbh, i dont know how to feel. The reason i stopped talking there in the first place was bc they were ignoring me, i had 2 attemps and when i told them only my other friend had something nice to say, and it hurted so bad seeing how much i cared about them but how they couldnt give that energy back. After we stopped talking is not like they tried to contact me, they ignored me even harder irl and when meeting other of our shared friends they declined their suggestions of inviting me, GOD even my birthday passed by and they didnt even dm me a dry "hb"

maybe im the bad person here, maybe i destroyed the relationship bc i cant handle them not being as obssesed with me as im with them, but when i meet them irl again im definitely not speaking to them in a nice way. im tired of it. I havent move on, if anything theyre the only thing in my mind most of the time, but ive come somehow far just for them to pull out this bs.

sorry for the traumadump but i need an outsider perspective, what should i do?

I'm no expert, but I would advice not to go towards any of the two routes you are going. It's easier to just hate them, but hate will only harm you and the memories you have of the two of you, but at the same time maybe right now you can't handle having them as a fp in a healthy manner. My advice is time, not necessarily to get back with them, but time to move on, and you find peace by "obsessing" with healthy things, like a sport you really like or an instrument! If you start missing them quite a lot, rationalize why the two of you are better off apart for now, the reasons why you had to separate. It's all for the better, we need to learn how to be alone. Now I'll give the BPD answer haha, don't communicate with them until you know you won't harm yourself or them, everytime you find yourself slipping, make some tea and listen to some proper music! Aaah I'm rambling too much, but basically just obsess over what's best, over something healthy, and replace the bad habits.

[feral-ballad]

Claire C. Holland, from I Am Not Your Final Girl: Poems; “Jess”

[Text ID: “I can’t exist in a way that comforts you.”]

[wormsdyke]

listening to music literally fucks so hard. you mean i can just put in headphones and experience incredibly profound emotions felt throughout my entire body

[depression-took-over-my-liiife]

[thoughtkick]

“Do you think it’s possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?”

— Tyler Knott Gregson

[repulsive-doll-deactivated20221]

[quietvoiced]

[emotionalwords]

[heavyrain-dc]

“It was good for a while, being empty. I didn’t hurt anymore. But as time went on, it was like I could hear myself from far away, begging for permission to come back.”

— Myra McEntire

[obshuh-deactivated20250522]

[guiltygirl]

my only talent is appearing calm and emotionless when in reality i am on the brink of death