Trope Talk: Friends to Lovers
I almost never talk (or even think) about the friends-to-lovers trope; it's never really been on my radar as a Thing I Love. There are two main reasons for this. First, in romance, I tend to adore a good, spiky enemies-to-lovers situation. Second, when it comes to friends, I actually go feral for platonic friendships, particularly m/f friendships, that STAY friendships. I want to talk about those too, but over the past week I had the absolute pleasure of watching the kdrama HAPPINESS, which features an absolutely marvellous friends-to-lovers situation (with added slowburn marriage of convenience). That reminded me that there are a few friends-to-lovers stories that I absolutely adore - Jane Austen's EMMA, for instance (particularly in the Johnny Lee Miller / Romola Garai miniseries adaptation), or the ambiguously romantic friendship FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST: BROTHERHOOD. So, let's talk about one thing that makes this trope difficult to pull off, plus some things that make a friends-to-lovers work for me.
DIFFICULTY: Romance Where Most of the Work Is Done
The problem with friends-to-lovers, and the thing that makes it offputting for me, is that you're coming into the story with a couple who have already done most of their work. They already know each other, often quite intimately. They already respect each other, they already like each other…where do you take things from here? How do you make this interesting when the two people are already on the same page and fanatically devoted to one another?
For me, the most important thing when constructing a romance is to create a push-pull between the characters. They need a compelling reason to be together, and a compelling reason to be apart. In an enemies-to-lovers story, the reason to be apart is far stronger than the reason to be together, but because the trajectory is towards togetherness, I can see far more scope for creativity in ETL than I do in FTL, where the reason to be together is usually far stronger than the reason to be apart. The journey is far shorter in FTL than it is in ETL.
But, I think the solution is to be smart about what kind of conflict works best for the story and the characters you have in mind. Let's talk about conflict for a moment. Conflict can be of two sorts: internal, inside the character, and external, between the character and others. In romance, there is a third layer of conflict, which sits between internal and external. Let's call it intimate conflict: it's the reason the characters should be apart.
In an ETL story, the intimate conflict is often the same as the external conflict: the reason for the characters to be apart is because they are on opposing sides of a war. They are each other's antagonists. In a FTL story, the characters are usually allies or colleagues, fighting together on the same side. As a result, the situation with the conflict isn't so simple. The intimate conflict is going to be different to the external conflict.
In EMMA, the reason the characters are apart has a lot to do with Emma's age. Since she's significantly younger than Mr Knightley, she's never really seen him as a romantic prospect at all. She also intends never to marry, and focuses on other people's romances rather than her own. Similarly, Mr Knightley has always seen Emma as a younger sister, and he hasn't come to see her as a romantic prospect either. There's very little external conflict in EMMA, which I think is unusual for a friends-to-lovers story, but what there is focuses on Emma's efforts to find a good match for her protege Harriet. Mr Knightley isn't exactly her ally in this, but as Emma falls into one social snarl after another Mr Knightley is usually the one who helps her out of them. Austen makes it work, but the point is that the story is a VERY slow burn in which the romance only develops very late in the piece. In this, it's a typical friends-to-lovers story.
By and large, I think friends-to-lovers works best when the romantic realisation hits late. Friends-to-lovers IS a shortcut. All the work of slowly building trust, respect, and liking for one another has already been done when the story opens, so it's a great choice for either a) supporting characters who don't have as much screentime or b) situations where there's a strong external conflict to provide a sense of threat to the story. In FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST, the romance that sent me feral is one glimpsed in the margins of the story between two supporting characters, Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye. The intimate conflict between them - the Reason To Be Apart - is, according to the author, that as military officers the two of them aren't supposed to start a relationship. The external conflict on top of this is that the two of them are conspiring to overthrow their nation's dictator and they can't afford to be made each other's weakness. In HAPPINESS, meanwhile, the relationship got off to a rocky start when Yi Hyun asked Sae Bom out within seconds of meeting her (and being pushed off a roof by her). Sae Bom turned him down right away and like Emma, still hasn't figured out that she might be falling for him by the time she decides that she might as well get fake-married to him for the nice apartment she's always wanted. The intimate conflict is thus simply that Sae Bom hasn't got around to returning Yi Hyun's feelings yet. The external conflict is very strong to compensate for this, however: the two of them are fighting zombies together, and that's not even mentioning the HOA.
An enemies-to-lovers story doesn't work for HAPPINESS, even though there would be enough screentime for it, because the themes and the antagonists don't allow for it. The antagonists are both literal monsters (the mindless zombies) and figurative monsters (the scummy rich). One of our beloveds does eventually become a literal monster, but this doesn't create an ETL situation because it's a morally neutral state and their innate goodness prevails even when having episodes. As for the figurative monsters, their whole deal is that that is NOT a morally neutral state and they got to where they are by being genuinely irredeemable people. This means that none of them can genuinely fall in love. So, ETL would be impossible in this situation. The third option would be a meet-cute with zombies, but this would also detract from the themes of cosiness, happiness, safety and domesticity which the show pits against the evil rich. Friends to lovers, in this setting, is the only choice.
So now that we've talked about some of the thematic and structural situations that might lend themselves to writing a friends-to-lovers story, let's talk about the things that can make this trope TRULY delicious.
CHEMISTRY: Of A Friendship Kind
A lot of romance is, let's face it, very badly written. It's as though most writers think that two pretty faces + some light banter = believable romance. It can be very difficult to believe that two people who just met each other five minutes ago would be dying for each other now. Friends-to-lovers solves this problem by starting with two people who already know, like, and respect each other, and the only hard part is to sell the audience on why these two obviously appreciative people HAVEN'T yet sealed the deal. Further: sometimes for whatever reason the characters don't see each other in a romantic light, or better yet they DO but for Reasons have decided to deny those romantic feelings and simply enjoy the philos love which they CAN have without insisting upon the eros they CAN'T have. Either way, the friendship chemistry between them is likely to feel real, mature, and grounded. You really believe that these people care for each other in a uniquely unselfish way - which makes their eventual romance epiphany all the more powerful.
Emma and Mr Knightley are a great example of this. The Romola Garai miniseries turns this up to 11 by giving the two of them amazing chemistry. Their faces light up when they see each other, sometimes from far away. They're drawn together in every space they mutually inhabit. From the very first episode they're revolving around each other and although neither of them have realised it's love, their attraction is palpable. There's an age gap in EMMA which some modern viewers may find slightly problematic, and Austen (and the show's director) do a fantastic job of selling this relationship through the chemistry and framing of the relationship as a genuine friendship on both sides long before it becomes explicitly romantic.
EQUALITY: The Couple That Battles Together Stays Together
Romance can come with a lot of baggage around inequality. A lot of people even today still view power and maturity imbalance as being definitionally romantic. A lot of men still want to feel stronger, smarter, richer, and more intelligent than their female partners. In a world where the sexes have often been unequal, a male/female friendship can be radically levelling. This has been acknowledged by scholars studying friendships across history. When a man befriends a woman, it's a signal that he appreciates her as she is, that he recognises her as a kindred spirit and an equal in ways that aren't always indicated by romantic interest. He knows that a sexual relationship with her is off the table, but he wants to spend time with her anyway. Their relationship is often founded on mutual interests and occupations, as well as on simple respect and enjoyment of each other's company.
This means that a romance which starts out as a friendship often achieves a sense of unique equality between the two partners, because we've already seen the two of them working together. It also leads to a strong partnership between them as they tackle all their problems together. (ETL also achieves a sense of equality, of course, but this comes about as the two characters battle and outwit each other). HAPPINESS is a great example of this: Yi Hyun becomes a detective partly because Sae Bom has become a special forces officer, and together the two of them keep the peace and battle zombies in a locked-down apartment building. Roy and Riza are also an iconic battle couple in FMAB, and even though Riza is Mustang's military subordinate their relationship is clearly one of such mutual dependence and respect that it doesn't come across as unequal.
BICKERING: When Acting Like an Old Married Couple Isn't Just for Lovers
Just because a couple are longtime friends doesn't mean they can never disagree, which is why the greatest one-sentence friends-to-lovers romance in history comes at the end of CS Lewis' THE HORSE AND HIS BOY: “Aravis also had many quarrels (and, I'm afraid even fights) with Cor, but they always made it up again: so that years later, when they were grown up they were so used to quarreling and making it up again that they got married so as to go on doing it more conveniently.”
Most friends-to-lovers stories I love don't have all that much intimate conflict between the characters: the focus is squarely on the two of them fighting the world together. They may bicker and banter, but they always have each others' back. The notable exception happens in EMMA, especially the Romola Garai miniseries, where once or twice Mr Knightley gets quite exercised as he rebukes Emma. I think the thing to notice is that while in an ETL story the conflict between the characters normally involves a genuine attempt to destroy or frustrate the other character in some way, and in a meet-cute story the characters come into conflict out of a misunderstanding of each other, in a FTL story the conflict arises out of the characters' intimacy: that is, they are so comfortable in each other's company that they find it safe to disagree with or insult each other.
DEVOTION: I Would Die For You
Let's face it: some of the most scream-inducing stuff in a romance are the moments when the two leads start putting unreserved trust in each other. They start throwing themselves in front of bullets for the other person. They start being utterly and totally vulnerable with each other. Sometimes this is delicious because it conflicts with who they ought to be: perhaps they have all sorts of reasons to distrust each other, perhaps they should be trying to kill each other and they know it. But friends-to-lovers skips right past all that. This is just who these two are, you know? They're utterly devoted to each other. They will take bullets for each other without even thinking. In their case, it doesn't contrast with their better judgement: it contrasts with the way they interact with everyone else around them.
Again, this is why I think FTL works best when the couple are up against strong forces of external antagonism - monsters, zombies, or just some really despicable blighters. When you can't trust ANYONE but This One Person? When the whole world is dangerous, except for the absolute safety of YOUR person? That's when FTL ascends and becomes truly superior. That's why nothing hits as hard as the moment in FMAB when Mustang muses over a chessboard about all he has lost - his pawn, his knight, his rook, and his bishop. "And worst of all…they've even taken my queen." unhinged screaming
VULNERABILITY: If You Dare Hurt Them
Much of the fun of ETL is seeing the characters go a little unhinged, as a treat. Well, if you've been building your FTL pair right, you get to see them go unhinged in stereo! You've given them a sense of utter devotion to each other, and you've put them in incredible danger. Now it's time to split them up and put each of them in danger separately…just so the other one can go beast mode getting them out. They are each other's ultimate safety, and God help the fool who puts either of them at risk. As exhibit A, I call the HAPPINESS car chase to the stand. Yeah? YEAH.
EPIPHANY: The Love of Their Life Was There All Along
At some stage, if this is going to be a FTL story, there needs to be the romantic epiphany when the pair realises that their friendship has turned into romance and that they want to be more than friends. There are a few ways to play this. Sometimes, both of the couple realises during the course of the story, as in EMMA. Sometimes, one of the couple has been romantically interested in the other for years, as in HAPPINESS, but the other one hasn't come around yet. And of course, in FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST the romantic interest remains undeclared, but the scene where Roy compares Riza to his queen has the same emotional wallop because it's the moment at which the audience realises that he views her differently to the rest of his friends - he sees her both as his most powerful ally, and as his wife.
The unique FMAB example aside, however - much of the power packed by this moment of the story has to do with the protagonist realising that the love of their life was there all along, and perhaps they nearly missed them. In EMMA, Emma only figures it out in a fit of jealousy when Harriet claims to be in love with Mr Knightley (it's hilarious that throughout the entire book she never tries to set anyone up with her village's most eligible bachelor). In HAPPINESS, Sae Bom figures it out after Yi Hyun makes a farewell video confessing that the reason he agreed to their marriage of convenience was because he is genuinely in love with her; the marriage which was fake to her was real to him all along. Combined with the knowledge that she might be about to lose him forever, this is enough to make her acknowledge her own feelings.
MORAL COMPASS: I Know You're In There, Fight
But here's what I think is my absolute favourite thing about friends to lovers. It's something that happens in all three of the FTL examples I've been analysing here, and it's also something that has deep roots in the way friendship has been viewed throughout history. In Edmund Spenser's FAERIE QUEENE, each Book focuses on a specific virtue - holiness, temperance, and chastity, for instance. Book IV deals with Friendship, and in this book Spenser defines friendship as being built on a foundation of other virtues. That is, evil people literally are incapable of true friendship because they do not have what it takes to treat another human being with genuine kindness and selflessness. All three of my favourite FTL stories follow Spenser in pitching the friendship as a moral compass for one of them.
In EMMA, Mr Knightley regularly rebukes Emma for her social failings. When he points out her rudeness to Miss Bates, it's a huge turning-point in their romance. Emma's response, which is to acknowledge her faults and try to put things right with Miss Bates, is what awakens Mr Knightley to his love for Emma. On the other hand, Emma realises that Mr Knightley is a big part of her moral compass and superior to the other men she knows, and it's this that makes her realise how necessary he is to her.
EMMA is a lowkey example, but FMAB and HAPPINESS come out swinging when it comes to the moral compass, and it's absolutely spectacular on both occasions. One of the reasons Mustang depends so deeply on Riza is that she is his protector, not just in a physical but a moral sense. She is the one who has promised to put him down if he ever loses his way. Naturally, this moment comes for them, and the two of them survive it, but only barely. And it's GLORIOUS. HAPPINESS plays things a little differently: there's no long-standing promise between them, but the whole show, the characters are told that those infected who really wish to resist the thirst can do it. When Sae Bom comes charging in to get her husband at the end, he's about to lose his battle, but she manages to pull him out of his episode. Again, it's glorious.
CONCLUSIONS
I love ETL stories for their intensity, their moral complexity and the delicious emotional contrasts at play between loving a person and wanting to defeat them. But…as hard as it can be to find really good ones, a great friends to lovers story comes with all those things and can be just as satisfying.
