⚠️ derek.exe is not responding ⚠️

this is my safe space on the interwebs, I talk about things that hurt me so I can relax, maybe there's trigger maybe not... FTM/Struggle with self image

[derek-n3ds]

Hey hi, It's me, so, I know that my personal blog may not be the healthiest, and I know that I am not mentally healthy... I am just tired... I am tired of listening to shit behind my back, I am tired of not recognizing the blob I see on the mirror, I am just... Trying my best! I know that what I am doing is SH but... I can't stand the normal weight loss programs, I need results quick or I lose hope and this is the only way I know to have quick results... Please don't report if you don't like my blog... Just block me, or maybe DM me... Who knows? Maybe we can be friends! I am not a monster, I am depressed and desperate!

[undeadfern0]

My toxic trait is wanting another cigarette

[derek-n3ds]

Poem. I am Rex

The typo in cigarette is on purpose to show repetition.

[derek-n3ds]

Breakfast 4:36am...

[derek-n3ds]

Okay... I now have 2 EDed friends IRL.... She is Mia he is Rex... We have so much fun counting food data numbers, smoking and yapping about nonsense....

[derek-n3ds]

Okay guys I've learnt about the wonders of konjac pasta and ágar ágar jelly... Bro... Ágar ágar makes you not feel hungry at all damn... I worked my whole a$$ shift and didn't need to eat at all! Didn't feel hungry... I came home and I had 100g of konjac spaghetti with soy sauce and 3 crab cakes... It was so light in cals and so filling and delicious! Omg... I wish you guys could taste it! The taste of a 130 cals pasta bowl is the best ever

[derek-n3ds]

It's been since October 2025... October 2025 was the last time I gøt låid,.. since then... Not even a flirt ... I think it's because I'm obnoxiously fat ... Like dude... Last time was with my ex.... She doesn't count, she is emotionally depending on me... So ... Obviously she would want me on her bed. But this is the point... Fat dudes have a stereotype of being like the comics guy on the Simpsons... I have to shrink... No one will love me if I am not attractive.

[derek-n3ds]

Sometimes is complicated... Having more than one 3d is... Sickening... I am ånorexïk but also I suffer from B!nge eating dïsørder... So... When I am "mentally stable I have all possible 4nørexik behavior however... If something or someone drains too much of my mental piece... I binge...

[derek-n3ds]

New safe food spotted

[derek-n3ds]

Hey guess who's back, back again... I feel like I have too many hiatuses and too little progress... Well I definitely have been losing weight lately and eating little... So... Victory? ✌️ Oh and on my journey as a trans man I've started testosterone about a year ago... Damn this feels so good!

[idntfkinknww]

[m0n0-mak1]

“IMAGINE HAVING AN ÊD AND NOT LOSING WEIGHT!!- THATS CRAZY 🤪 😝”

I don’t need to imagine bc that’s my reality :/

[derek-n3ds]

Tru... And worst... Gain weight! 😫

[derek-n3ds]

There we go again... Hello world! It's ya boi ... Haha I'm doomed... All the consequences of gaining back the weight I have lost are here to haunt me... I am pre diabetic, my Thyroid is all fučkëd up and honestly my self esteem... What is self esteem again? Haha I forgot... Let's go keto, let's go low cal and let's go elevate this gøddªmn metabolism... NO MATTER WHAT. ÅNØR3XIÅ IS THE ONE OPTION.

[derek-n3ds]

Started gym this week... Now I am transforming myself into the red gymbro... That's it folks!

[derek-n3ds]

Ok... Updates here... I definitely need to start exercising to improve my weight loss... I can't be the @norexic who spends 24/7 in bed and eats nothing at all... Must have vitamins and exercise to improve my metabolism. I am almost 30 for fuck's sake! I got bills, a job, my 3rd university degree and a house to balance! I can't just fall in a rabbit hole of sh without thinking about all the consequences! I am scared to death about spending money on food tbh... But I just must function like a normal adult AND lose weight. Damn... Life is tough.

Everything was completely fine until ABC day 10... But I got sick. I had food poisoning and I don't even know how, my brother in law said that my town is having a food poisoning streak because of tap water... And this makes total sense to me. Tap water is the only way I could have food poisoning, I've been eating only non processed foods and low calorie foods... So today, 3 days after day 10, I'll be resuming ABC on day 11 because the 3 days I was sick I just didn't know what I ate, I had someone taking care of me and had zero control on my diet at all...

[derek-n3ds]

Ok so I got the jackpot here... I am severely with a diarrhea, it's been 2 days now and my ass have been exploding. Hahaha I don't like Mia but she can find a way of making me regret eating.

[derek-n3ds]

ABC day 8

[Goal= 400 kcal]

Breakfast - a vegan industrialized small cake (90 Kcal)

Lunch - Baby porridge (133 kcal)

Dinner- 60g of chicken breast and pickles (124 Kcal)

extra Kcal - 1 can of energy drink zero sugar (5 kcal)

Gran total -352 kcal