Derek Wheeler’s Life Is Hell

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when he was a baby at a daycare all the babies attacked him

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he had the right of way as a pedestrian but someone still almost hit him

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he ate the first fresh strawberry of the season but it was one of the ones where it’s like a little sour yknow so his mood was ruined and this was like the last time he’d have to do a quiz for the year and he flunked it because his day was ruined by that strawberry and his grandmother threatened to kick him out for not studying hard enough but like if the strawberry were 2% sweeter he would’ve passed and he wouldn’t have been homeless and stolen from joey that one time

[badluckbrian-deactivated]

[derekwheelerslifeishell]

he was attacked by a mollusk

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he got his flu vaccine and it made him so sick he had to go to the ER

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he got a cool new video game but his console wasn’t turning on so he looked behind it to see if there was a connection issue and his pet rat he got recently was behind it and totally fried because it ate the wire and got electrocuted so he started sobbing and his grandmother came in and got really mad that he was crying over “a gross rat” and she grabbed it to throw it in the trash and it was so charred that it flaked all over his floor and its arms and stuff fell off of it and so while he was crying there were just burns pieces of rat skin and extremities all around him and his video game console was also broken and it wasn’t able to be fixed at all

[derekwheelerslifeishell]

somebody put a carolina reaper pepper in his water

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he saw a shooting star and wished on it for “something really cool to happen” and then the next day his parents died

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he got cholera

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he planted some flowers but a rat ate them

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his cat threw up on his face while he was sleeping

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he never met his son

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he was about to watch a solar eclipse with his friends and he put his eye up to his telescope that had a solar filter but he pushed his eye up against it too hard and he couldn’t see out of it and he thought he went blind so he started freaking out and he knocked over his telescope which was given to him by his parents and it broke and he also missed the solar eclipse

[derekwheelerslifeishell]

he doesn’t have the cilantro soap gene and so when he got together with some friends at a Vietnamese place they all dared each other to eat cilantro at the end of their meal and when it got to him he felt daring so he shoved it into his mouth but it went back too far and hit his uvula and he threw up his entire bahn mi on the table and everyone was screaming at him and the staff kicked them out and charged them all double and none of his friends talked to him for over two weeks

[derekwheelerslifeishell]

his science experiment blew up

[derekwheelerslifeishell]

immediately after he was released from prison for ramming that toddler into a tree while blackout drunk he made a promise to himself to never hurt another living creature ever again and the minute he got into his car he hit a mother deer and two baby deer and had his car totaled