Just Breathe.

Amanda. 21 years old. Dermatillomaniac.

[dermastruggler]

Im so fucking sick and tired of being treated like dirt.

[dermastruggler]

Not only struggling with skin picking

My whole identity? My whole personality. I don’t even know who I am. I try to fit in this bubble of what I think I should be and I don’t even know who or what I am or who I should be.

Am I girly? Preppy? High strung? Lazy? Chill? Stylish or weird looking?

I’m so scared of making friends. I’m so scared to date.

I’m so scared to be, try to be like everyone else?

Miley Cyrus’s new album soothes me.

I can’t tell when my friends or joking. I don’t know how to make new friends because I can’t read people. Idk how to read this girl, idk if I should run or if she’s genuine? How do I survive in a work environment where I’m supposed to be in charge, I don’t like confrontation. I’m so confused. I’m so tired. 14 hours of sleep and I am tired. So tired.

I’m exhausted. I want to be better and do better and be perfect. I was just high and I feel low again - metaphorically speaking.

[astrologicalminds]

Virgo Rising

Virgo risings are quietly attractive and radiate intelligence. They’re shy in new situations and spend a lot of time analyzing and evaluating things around them before they warm up to situations and people. However once they’re comfortable, you’ll realise these individuals love to talk and have a great deal of information stored away in their mind. Sometimes Virgo risings appear cold and detached when you meet them, and you’ll assume they lack emotion. However, they’re always polite and well mannered people. Virgo is a shy, quiet sign, and one that is focused on details.  People with a Virgo rising will always notice objects in a room that others may not know are there. They need to be aware of things, and then they’ll begin to feel more comfortable in whatever social situation. Virgo risings can’t function unless everything is in it’s place, and they’re masters at making lists and being the most organized person around. Because Virgo risings always need to be in control they can appear uptight.

Virgo risings are content in analyzing a situation many times to make sure they haven’t missed anything, and are experts at working out the details of a plan. This is the sign of the workaholic and Virgo risings handle all the everyday boring, nit-picking matters that others want nothing to do with.  However this isn’t always a bad thing because they enjoy being busy, becoming more irritable and nervous if they don’t have anything to do. Virgo risings will go out of their way to help a friend out, while being reluctant to take any credit. People with this rising sign are more concerned with being useful than being recognized, and they feel the most fulfilled knowing they’ve helped someone out. They  take up roles in organizing or fixing things because they simply don’t expect other people to do it. If you want something accomplished, a Virgo rising will be the best person to turn to since they know what practical steps to take to sort an issue out.

In even the early stages of life Virgo risings see all things in an intellectual way. They’re practical in their intellectual pursuits and enjoy research and collecting data. Virgo risings are skilled when it comes to detail, objectivity and analysis but if they’re feeling really insecure they have the tendency to criticize. Their tendency in being a natural critic can get them immersed in the details of things that they forget to see the overall picture. However, this criticism is more than anything a bad habit developed  as a defence mechanism. Virgo risings are usually unaware of their ability to hurt or wound others with their words, and they may be the most surprised when others are offended towards them. They are not uncaring people, so Virgo risings need to be aware that their cool approach can come across like ice at times.

Virgo risings don’t like making mistakes and put a lot of pressure on themselves to be perfect. They seek perfection in all they do and sometimes they find it difficult for them to accept less in others.  People with this rising are connected to their body and sensitive to any discomfort, making many of them extremely alert to their health.  The symbol of Virgo is the virgin, and there is an innocence or purity about one with this rising. They care a lot about their well being and this purity can show up in their selection of food or their lifestyle. Virgo risings can often be someone who goes to the gym or yoga class regularly.  It’s also not uncommon for people with this rising sign to be vegetarian since taking care of their health is a natural outlet for them.  Some Virgo risings are big hygiene freaks, or just feel more content when everything is clean and ordered.

Virgo risings  are usually clean and neatly put together at all times. They appear younger than their actual age and there’s a gentle and conservative energy to them. The face tends to be oval-shaped with small but nicely constituted features. Virgo risings also appear to have a lot of nervous energy.

[dermastruggler]

I’ve never read anything more accurate!!!!! This is me!!!! The fuck!

[dermastruggler]

I haven’t felt this void in a long time.

I scrolled through this entire tumblr the other night. Felt all the pain of my past from rereading it/reseeing it. Almost like it foreshadowed my future.

My bf and I of almost 5 years are not on good terms and we’ve never really not been on good terms.. don’t know if he’s happy. Don’t know if I’ll lose him. Don’t know if he’ll want to make it work bad enough.

It’s so surreal.

Does anyone else feel more like themselves when in pain?

I spent so many years depressed. So many years holding everything in (that’s another story). My iPhone is filled with sad songs from past years.

It’s fucked up, the pain. the tears. But I somehow feel at home. Is that wrong?

This time around I can talk to friends & family - it’s weird. Almost feel like I’m doing something bad opening up to them?

[dermastruggler]

I scrolled through my entire tumblr and it brought back a lot of dark memories and I feel even more anxious than I did before. Welp.

[dermastruggler]

Note to self

Stop starving yourself

[dermastruggler]

Burnt.

I feel defeated. Exhausted. Burnt out. I’ve barely done anything.

Out of the different areas there are in my field of work, I am in a very simple and slow paced environment.. which is fine. But it is so slow I get bored. I feel that I am not living up to my full potential. I am trying to lose weight but I’m on night shifts needing a sugar kick. My coffee is old and watery. I’m tired.

I miss my friends. I miss my boyfriend. Miss my family and my pup.

Money doesn’t buy happiness.

I need to clean and make my environment neat,

Shopping for organizers help with that. But I just feel so dead beat.

I want to lay in my bed for 12 hours.

I’m scared to fail but I’m so tired of where I’m at. Tired. So tired.

[dermastruggler]

Wow. I can’t even post pictures of my struggles with dermatillomania without tumblr flagging me for “sensitive” or “adult” content.

This shit is real fucking life and my face shouldn’t be marked as adult content just because it’s picked apart.

[dermastruggler]

Just went through some really old posts from when I was a teenager... I think back then I picked more all over my arms and back... (I still do.. but I think it was more severe years ago). My face, chest and shoulders get me more now. It’s the blackheads and the big pores that kiiiilllll me. Especially when I can see a little something peaking out, I will squeeze and pick until that hardened black head or pus shoots out. It’s so disgustingly satisfying... because it feels like an itch, and I find the trigger and I squeeze and get it out, it’s like a victory. A sad victory. Sometimes I’m lucky and it comes out easy, sometimes I realized I’m layers deep into my skin and my fingernails are covered in blood. I try to avoid any peels at the skin because they are painful and sensitive. Sometimes if it’s too raw and deep I can’t even cover with foundation the next day or within the next few hours (depending on the time) I’ve stopped wearing fake nails (the ones you can glue on yourself from drug store) because after a week they feel gross and dirty and I want them off, also certain tasks are annoying - especially typing notes for school. But I think it helped me not dig / pick so deep into my skin. Idk. I realized I was still doing it anyway and now I have my natural nails cut short.... still picking like a piece of shit. What I’ve noticed from old photos is how much scarring I’ve accumulated. My contour line is discolored a yellowish brownish bruise kind of color. Sometimes when I pick less I’m like wow all I have to do is wait for time to pass for my scarring to heal... but I can’t even go a day without picking. It’s sad how everyone is all about skin care routine - but for me if I do a quick pathetic face wash or use a wipe to take off my makeup and nothing else.. my skin is better the next day because I didn’t spend a long enough time in the bathroom in front of the mirror... it could also really clog my pores though so I don’t know what the fuck to do or what the fuck I’m even doing anyway. I don’t know I feel really weird and uncomfortable posting this. I think I have way more followers than I did at 16. (I’m 22) I just hope this helps someone feel less alone. I looked at some pictures in the hashtags and it made me feel less isolated. Hopefully this does the same. Welp.

[dermastruggler]

I pick at night and wake up worried if it “healed” enough. If I can look at my parents and not wonder if they’re staring at the damage I did to myself. My dad won’t say much, but I can feel the disgust. And when he does point it out I want to shrivel into nothing. My mom is my best friend. She’s caring and tries to understand. When she sees my damaged skin she says sadly, “honey you gotta stop picking, look what you’re doing to your face.”

Mom, if I could, don’t you think I would have by now ?

[gombakalap]

me going through the dermatillomania hashtag picking at my skin: that’s fun 🤠

[oizys-miseria]

Just dermatillomania things #85

Being so hypersensitive that you can feel each and every clogged pore in your entire body. They’re hard and dirty and so so itchy. They all feel pregnant with filth and must be purged to feel okay again. No matter how many times you tell yourself that your pores will just clog again after you pick, it never works.

[writingandmusicandfandoms]

god i know it’s wrong but no matter how hard i try to stop being this way, my immediate reaction to a pimple is to claw it off. pore’s clogged? just remove the pore 

[dermastruggler]

I felt this

[moved-to-transzoemurphy-deactiv]

Sorry if this sounds ignorant, that wasn’t my intent. How do you know if someone has dermatillomania (if it’s a thing you have) I thought picking at scabs and nail biting was an everybody thing?

well, almost everyone has done it at some point, but the difference is when it becomes compulsive or starts interfering with your daily activities. like, biting your nails while watching a scary movie is one thing, but picking at every bump on your skin no matter how much you want to stop is another

[tsukkis]

What I want for myself: To graduate from university, to have an independent life and a good job.

What I also want: Stay at home and sleep as much as possible.

[dermastruggler]

I care so much. So much about everyone else.

I don’t get the same in return.

I understand a lot of people aren’t as sensitive and aren’t as in tune with people’s emotions. They’ve got other stuff going on, okay.

The energy I put into relationships, friendships, conversations, I don’t get it in return.

The energy I put into school, the hard work, taking the extra step that most don’t, going through things most people ignore, I still can barely make it through.

I just don’t fucking understand the unfairness.

I feel like I’m driving for miles to only get around the block.

I don’t have a lot of responsibilities while in school, my parents help me out a lot.

But god damn,

Mental illness is enough to tear me apart every step of the way.

[dermastruggler]

I wish I could explain it.

The overwhelming feeling of being alone.

Like everything around me is spinning and happening so quickly.

I feel like the “me” that goes through day by day is a different person. Going through the same repetitive tasks just trying to keep on going, achieve my “dream” in hopes that it’s what I really want.

Constant anxiety, constant fear, constant fight to stay “neutral”, no high hopes, no doubts.

But at this time of night it feels like rocks on my chest. It’s an overwhelming feeling of wanting to escape. Alcohol? Yummy food? Smoke? Exercise? Shop? Meditate? Honestly too tired to attempt a damn thing.

Maybe I really want to be in psychological nursing, but I feel like I’m not a real nurse if I don’t do the /basic med surg/

Friends? Are they real or just deal with my presence? Boyfriend? How does he even tolerate me?

This rant makes no sense.

Same.

Goodnight