"ANONYMOUS"

I'm a fool in love and have no shame blogging about it

[mitten]

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[the-bookshop]

Source.

[derrickixyou]

The biggest mistake one can make is to get with someone who broke your heart. It will never go away. The trust and the loyalty is stripped from the get-go. It never gets better And the bigger secrets will surface no matter how hard you try to suppress them. It hurts. The pain worsens. And more time has fucking passed- time that can never be given back. Why do they do this to me? Why hurt me? I don't want to hang out with your friends. I want to be with you and you alone. Everyone at his work gossips about each other like they are in high school.

[derrickixyou]

when you’re so fed up and emotional that you can’t even cry. tears barely form. your eyes just burn with fire. how hurt do i need to get to realize he won’t ever give me what i want? if he has said he doesn’t want certain things with me that i want with him then what am i waiting around for? people don’t change and all he is doing is dragging me down. he says delma is trash well he kinda is too. celebrating her leaving is pretty low idc how horrible of a person she is. it is immature and he is 30 years old and that is just not right. he was spoiled rotten and can’t nobody tell him nothing attitude it is plain selfish self-centered self-righteous and ugly. david can have him. it’s funny the ugliest people seem to think the world owes them the most. the world don’t care about your poor upbringing. the world doesn’t care you were dealt a crappy hand in this game of life. i feel bad for him. i care for him. i don’t know where caring and loving cross over but my level of care i feel has most definitely been abused. he used me more than i used him. that’s for damn sure and he knows it and thinks he has won. it is all just a selfish game for him. what is the most that he can squeeze out of me. my car. my generosity. my kindness. not to mention i put up with a lot that he knows i don’t like. he does everything in excess and has no self control or boundaries. pushing 300lbs. smoking. the anger if he can’t smoke. everything. it’s really sad actually, i would love to tell him he needs to get his self together if he wants to be with me but he wouldn’t do that for me. i don’t have the kind of power over him that i know his ex did. he doesn’t want to better himself. he is honestly satisfied with living at his dads as long as delma is out the picture. he has no intention of getting another place with me unless she returns. sad reality but the harsh truth. this is why i am going to live back with my parents. slowly try to ween myself off and away from him. i want nothing to do with all that. i don’t wanna be like how it was before. fuck that. i like the little bit of independence we have here in our place but he doesn’t like it as much. he wants to be daddys little boy forever i guess. and i can’t be with that. it’s best for me to get away. i can’t be allowing him to rely on me for rides anymore. just to keep him as my bf. i can’t. especially when he rarely helps out with gas $$ and if he does he gripes about it. nah. fam. no more

[derrickixyou]

all of the signs

crystal clear. right there. lies. uses me. selfish.

they were together when we first had sex. he denies it. the proof lies in her ig. they went to wingstop. why lie? her lipgloss kiss on his mirror. she had been in his new room. lies. no wonder pinocchio and aladdin are his favorite disney movies. fucking liars. how do i know he still loves her? it’s so obvious he is not over her and that she is the one who broke his heart. but he refuses to tell me the whole story. I know she cheated on him with his friend danny. they lost their friendship over her. danny still loves her but she doesn’t love him. she loves stephen. a married man with 2 kids. has issues but that’s her type. ugly with issues. she wants to take care of everybody. she gets pregnant by stephen and derrick starts doing heroin because he knows he’s lost her for good now because there’s no way he can afford to raise and take care of some other man’s baby. anyone’s baby for that matter. derrick wanted a family with her at one time. he envisioned himself having kids with her and taking them on their own trip to disney world. he never talks like that with me. he tells me he never wants kids. he will never love me as much as he loved her. i will always be second best to him. back to how i know he doesn’t love me and still not over her. he calls her baby ugly. he hasn’t made our relationship visible on fb. it’s set so only he and i can see that we are in a relationship. we are going on 2 years this november. he clearly still cares about her feelings because he doesn’t want to hurt her if she sees he has moved on. despite the fact that she clearly moved on. he doesn’t care how this hurts my feelings. i want to be with someone who wants the world to know he is with me. not hiding me. he says it is enough that his closest friends who he actually interacts with in real life all know about me because they have met me. that is enough. i need his ex to know that he moved on and is now with me. even if she knows, i want him to declare it on fb. he can’t talk about her without getting mad and refuses to talk about her like an adult. he cannot have a conversation about her period without getting mad and making me feel bad. i think he feels bad that he knows i know he has used me to rebound. he denies it but it is so obvious and he has to be retarded for me to not know. he’s hurt that she left him. she probably said some mean things to him that he can’t get over. how can you love someone new if you are still in love with the past. i am not saying he still entertains her, but his actions of keeping his phone locked, not giving me any passwords, acting really weird about me going through his phone, getting violently angry, is a definite red flag that something is still not resolved with her and he doesn’t want me to know about it. he told me he was going to change his number so he wouldn’t have to hear from her but that never happened and she still texts him once in a blue moon. the anger is still white hot. i honestly still want to blast a hole through her skull and leave that child an orphan. her baby dad don’t want nothing to do with it. i just need solid proof that he is not talking to her. because he acts like he clearly still has shit to hide and i’m tired of it. i wanted to cry earlier when we tried to settle down for the night and watch secret life of pets but he got mad and went to bed because he sensed i was still irritated and he refused to talk it out like a grown adult couple. now imma be up all night and still waiting when he wakes up to hash this shit out because i’m not done. i hate his gay friend who always texts him constantly. like leave my man alone already he don’t want your skinny ass little dick already. i feel like he’d go back to his ex in a heartbeat if we were to take a break. for sure. and amber, annalisa’s sister he used to fuck. yeah he has her on snapchat and ig but it’s ok and i’m not supposed to be mad about that. i don’t even like that he’s friends with annalisa because of her and i used to swear they had something too or that she had a thing for him, he swears up and down they didn’t they were just friends, only amber but that was over and done with.. whatever. i’m supposed to be ok with all this. i mention my previous guy friends and all a sudden i’m a tramp whore bitch. derrick is the only man i been with. so i don’t know why he trippen about anybody else before him. idk. i’m just being moody n really need to take my ass to bed but my stomach hurts for like the 3rd day in the row now and i’m feeling fed up sad and stupid. it’s all probably nothing but he did lie in the beginning and now for denying he remembers. he said he can’t remember anything that wasn’t important. funny how guys act that way. selective amnesia. think i’m really that stupid. i wish i could just forget this mess. i hate his stepmom for instigating this whole damn mess. she is to blame for this shitty ass night. fucking cunt. wish i could read or enjoy this movie but i can’t. he sound asleep in the bedroom and i’m up stressing. not fair. hate my life. everything sucks. feeling stuck. do i stay? do i trust? do i want a relationship living with him and his dad? hell no. i don’t wnna take care of his dad. we are not married. i have things i need to get together in my life. i ruined my car taking him to the dr. drove him to work every single day since we been together. 11/25/2015

6pm-430am. faithfully. religiously. lost sleep for him. lost years of my life for him. for what. selfishness. to be used. to be second best. never enough. never good enough to want to marry me or have my kids. no. second best to that ugly ass ex of his. fuck that hoe. i will kill her one day. i mean that.

[derrickixyou]

He will never know it, but I love him deeper than the ocean itself. I faithfully take him to wherever he needs to go when no one else is there. I stuck with him through the struggle. He stuck with me through my crazy psycho ass. I'm jealous. I stay quiet when he insists on buying his friends movie tickets because I know he values his friends above everything above me. I stay. I'm weak. I'm scared. I'm afraid. He is my first real boyfriend. I believe in love lasting. Divorce isn't normal in my upbringing on either side of my family. I don't handle failure well even if I know in my heart what isn't good for me. I have sacrificed sleep, my health, my car, all of my $$$$ to the very last dime. I still feel like I will never be good enough for him. I feel defeated everyday before I even open my eyes. I don't want to better myself because he doesn't want to better himself and if I'm working my ass off for him to do whatever with his friends play smite all day and gossip what's the point? Because I won't feel comfortable being like my mom making Hella cash and my dad is doing whatever. Idk. I hate myself and contemplate suicide more often than I'd like to most of the time. I don't want to work. Work doesn't fulfill me. What fulfills me? The wild. I need to go to the mountains the trails and hike. Preferably along the northwestern pacific coast mt. range. I'm sad and depressed and he does not care. When I'm past my brink and at my most vulnerable all I ask is for a hug for him to hold me and he can't do it. Emotionally and physically he's just not there for me. Does it bother me that 90% of his friends are gay? Hell yeah it bothers me. Why do you have so many gay friends and get so damn offended when we talk about gay shit? I just wish he could be real with me because if he thinks it will break my heart, honey my heart is long past heartbroken. I can handle it. The fact that you think I can't is sad. You must not know me after all. Could we still be friends? Of course. But would we? Not likely. If you can't already seem to tell, I have no problem cutting people out of my life. I like to be alone. I will be just fine.Just do not play me

[derrickixyou]

I feel depressed. Upset. Angry. Hurt. It's unfair. My boyfriend's a rowdy sexist. He is selfish. Mean. Practically demands I saw rifice my sleep to pick him up from work at 430am every day knowing I have to be at work in the morning. Yes we share my car and he refuses to drive it because my tags are old and he has warrants but he can't even fork over a little help with my stickers. No. When it comes to ills and responsibilities he just refuses. But has no problem spending double that on tattoos or new tvs smh. He wants a car just so he can pick up his other scrub ass friends with no car to bring them over to stay all weekend. Gets mad at me for being mad about them says I have no friends and am jealous. Uh no. I choose to not have any friends. I don't like people. Especially not over my place. I just don't get it sometimes. He can't do things during the day on the weekend because his sleep schedule is outta whack since he works nights so exercise or going places just forget it. If we ever travel anywhere I don't know how we will do it since his sleep schedule is so fucked up. Mine is too now. I can't even function during the day when I need to :( I try to tell him this but it's no use He just says I don't love him. I'm sad because I do love him and it isn't fair he is making me do all this for him when I know if the situation were reversed there is no way in hell he would be doing this for me. I know this because there were times he had to come get me in the middle of the day when he was asleep and he was cussing up a storm he was so mad smfh. I just feel stuck. And sad. And shitty 😢 idk

[love-personal]

[derrickixyou]

Whenever I post on this account, I write the best stuff but so many things in my notes on my phone has been deleted because I can’t bear to read it after I’ve forgiven him again and again. I’m losing some of my best work because it hurts too much to look at. He’s hurt me so much yet here I still am. Wasting my life away getting my fingers sliced at $10/hr Panera Bread. I cut my hours to less than half. I’m broke as fuck now and if I had trouble saving then that’s not even a joke now. I need to get back in school. I’m gonna be taken off my mom’s insurance next year. No job prospects. No benefits. Need to get started on my certification licenses. Need to better myself now. Because all I do is sleep eat and watch gilmore girls if I’m not at work with him or reading. I haven’t even been able to take the time to read as much as I want because I’m addicted to TV. Too tired to read. Sleep deprived beyond the max. Sharing my car and working opposite times of day/night has royally taken its toll on me. I feel like I’ve already aged 5 years in just under a year. I’m sad. Feeling depressed. Social anxiety at work. People think I’m weird because I’m mute. I won’t talk unless spoken to. I just hate it there. I wish I was prettier more well rested. I wish I was born with a more symmetrical face. I wish I was curvy. I wish nonsensical childish things. I just need to grow up and do me and stop doing everything literally putting my life on hold for him. I could be living at home saving money finishing up what I need to do now while I’m still in my 20s. Not wait till years later n shit hits the fan. What if I became pregnant? So many things could go wrong. Trying to adult way too fast. He will take my young years away doing this bullshit for him. And he has made no real efforts yet to get his self together. But the complex is still there. I would feel more insecure if he did get a car. I’m so scared when I have nothing to fear but everything to lose. Love is hard. You will do anything for the one you love. Even die. Hopefully I don’t just off myself

[derrickixyou]

It’s tough and I’m hurting, but I will manage.

[stephaniejoelle]

If you hate her so much, then why do you have pictures up?

Command respect

Demand me

You suck at all these games

How do you expect to pay rent somewhere when you barely pay anything here and blow all your money?

All you do is try to escape reality? That’s why you escape reality and the real world

Eat video games all day eat drink get an apt but still do what u need to do to make you happy you got this girl here to help you out so u think you don’t need anyone

Are you trying to get back with her?

He needs a wake up call

If that girl broke his heart and that is not enough of a wake up call then he needs more help to survive

She had the strength to leave him

Get away bye you’re like a virus

He likes to cling on to people as long as it can take

Is he ashamed of me?

Am I ugly?

Idc if you’re tired

You’re not too tired to get beer shit

It doesn’t even feel like we’re in a relationship

Relationship status

I was just waiting to see on his own if he would do it delete the pictures

I feel like you’re hiding the fact that we’re together so as not to hurt her feelings

Because as a girl, I know that once I see a guy with another girl I’m gonna back away and I’m afraid you’re afraid that you’ll lose her forever and if that’s what you’re afraid of then why are you with me? I feel like you are just hoping to get back with her again just like before and you’re using me because you think you can manipulate me or whatever

You don’t love me or shower me with affection like a boyfriend does

You don’t spoil me with tiffany’s necklaces

You don’t give a damn about me derrick

It’s always “touch my back” bitch touch MY back

Go down on ME for once

You used to beg to do it n now you never even try

You don’t fucking love me and im afraid of being the only one who cares and is trying in this relationship

I want you to love me but I won’t beg anymore

I’m done doing so much for you

I still do for you when I have nothing to give

You’re just an opportunist

You see me for what I can do for you

You don’t see me with your heart

You have no heart

Just like that damn post you posted

You’re fucking dead inside and the only girl dumb enough to be with your whack ass is the one with the least amount of self respect and self esteem

If you refuse to respect me, then I refuse to be with you

I fell in love with the derrick I met in 2014 who treated me like gold

Who showered me with affection and kissed me in public and held me and caressed me and displayed his genuine love for me

Not this.

But that wasn’t real

You just projected how you would treat your ex onto me

It was never real because if it was you would never have gotten back with her

Im sorry she broke your heart and cheated on your broke ass.  I truly am sorry. You hear that? I’m apologizing for HER fucking mistakes because how dare she do that to you!

I wanted to s how you what real love was like.  Fidelity. Loyalty. Honesty. Pure genuine real hardcore love. But im afraid so very afraid you’re just gonna use me and abuse me again and again. Because just admit it. She’s all you’re ever gonna want to be with. Shes the only person you truly care for. I can guarantee you this though. I honestly loved you with my full heart. I never would have lied played cheated on you or anything. I was gonna ride with you to the end because there was no one else in this world I’d rather be with than you. I loved you despite all of your bullshit because admit it, you brought it all. All the drama and the fake love shit, that was all you. I hate you for it but it is out of my control.

I STILL FuCking love you through it all though so I don’t know what that makes me.. dumber than dumb or straight up retarded but I loved you with all my fucking soul. And I probably always will. I wanted tokill myself last year when we went all those months with no contact. I hated life. Ask anyone who knew me then. They can tell you. Not that you would actually give a fuck even if it did come to tthat. All you care about is your ex. But you didn’t care about her when you fucked me in the ass that night before you left to cali. You didn’t care about her when you took me to fuckin cicis pizza and we went to the Japanese gardens that same day. You don’t give a fuck about anyone but yourself. And I feel sorry for you because once you know what it is like to love someone for real, you will feel what it truly feels to be alive. You’re gonna be dead for eternity, why be dead for the short amount of time you have here? She ain’t worth it. Nobody is.

[stephaniejoelle]

I hope you know I don’t mind spending money on you at all Derrick. Seriously it’s not a big deal. I’m not like that. Like fr you don’t even have to buy my food when we go out. It’s so sweet that you do anyway and I love that about you but I know how it is n if u wanna budget better we can just pay separately more often. Idk. I just felt really bad last night after I said those things. It came out way worse than I meant it to… And you Know idc that you’re chubby ! I love that too😠😠😊😍 I wouldn’t hang out with you so much if I didn’t love you and i definitely wouldn’t have sex with you if I didn’t find you attractive Derrick. 😋😊😊☺️ lol. I’m not gonna lie tho I have a shit ton of things I’m insecure about too. 😞I’d rather talk about that in person tho I guess or not at all..

Basically I just don’t want you to think for any reason that I like you any less. I feel it’s the opposite. Like I’m liking you more and u like me less. Like you always have a lot on your mind n I want u to pleeeease know you can tell me anything. Like I know you’re not over your ex n if u need to you can talk to me about her too. It’s the best way to deal with it to just talk about it n I’m here for you Derrick. I really am. I’m sorry if I don’t do enough for you. I’m gonna find a job soon. I’m just scared. I know once I do I won’t be able to see you so much n it makes me really sad because I love spending time with you. But I’ll find something soon. I need to. Also I meant what I said last night too. I’m just afraid of how different everything will be once u move out. I’m sure it will be fine but I just know it’s gonna be a lot different. Idk. Your friends like you a lot Derrick I can tell n I know you don’t think they do but they do. I can tell and idk i jus feel a little weird. Like I don’t belong or something. And I’ll stay away if u want so things can go back to the way they were before. I just don’t know. It makes me a little uncomfortable. I know you don’t like them like that but I know you pretty well n it just scares me. I know how you get when you drink a lot. Lol. It’s the only time you make me feel like you really want me. In the beginning I thought you truly wanted me but you just had a lower tolerance back then n you were buzzed easier. I feel like I’m not good enough most of the time. I feel like you just wanna be with your ex n get back with her. I know because you call me “jessi” like way too fucking often. It breaks my soul but oh well.

I know I love you more than you love me n I love u more than I’ve loved anybody n it just sucks you don’t feel the same. Annalisa definitely likes you n I’m just sick of it already. I don’t like feeling this way. It’s not jealousy i promise n im not saying I don’t wanna go over there anymore because i do. She’s cool. They all are. I just feel like I’m losing you, or that I could. And I’m sad because thats the last thing I want. This got way too long n deeper than I intended but I need to get it all off my chest. I guess I might as well just get everything off and tell you a couple more things that have been bothering me. Actually never mind. I’m just really emotional for no reason. Maybe because it’s Monday and I miss you. Idfk. I just wanna make you so happy and I feel like I can’t sometimes. I just want to see you smile. It’s the only thing in this world that truly makes me feel better. I love you Derrick. I’m not mad at you. Just hormonal or something idk. I hate seeing you down. I hate wanting you and not being able to have you. I don’t want you to be afraid to talk to me or think you’re gonna hurt me. It hurts worse when you don’t tell me things n you hide a lot of shit. I do the same but I figured you don’t care to know what’s going on with me as bad I care to know about you. Idk. That’s not fair. You probably do but I’m scared to tell you things too I guess. There are a couple guys I met earlier this year who i am Not interested in at all just to be clear but they still text me every now and then. I’m nice so I reply not to be rude. But it’s nothing. I want nothing to do with them. My ex I’ve told you he isn’t anyone to worry about either. He’s just going through some things with the chic he’s been seeing n asks me for advice sometimes. That’s what he wanted that night he called me. He just wanted to talk. It’s annoying af. Idk why I let him. He was never there for me whenever I was hurt but that’s just the kind of person I am I guess. I always try to help people I care about or once cared about. Idk. Ok this is long enough. We can talk about any of this in person if u want. Id rather bring it up in a conversation n not blurt it out in an argument because I might n that would be way worse to hash this shit all out. My heart is really sensitive and when i love I love hard and with all I have so if I sound psychotic or jealous or crazily insane it’s because I truly do care about you from the bottom of my heart and I’m absolutely terrified of losing you again. I say this now because it’s what i feel deep inside my gut. I love you Derrick n I cherish our time together n what we have. I’m sorry it’s so damn long again. But this is real. It’s all me. I think maybe we both just get a lil depressed on Mondays. I want us to communicate better. I don’t wanna be afraid to tell you how i feel anymore. But you’re a tough one tho I’m not gonna lie because you’re almost as sensitive as I am lol so it’s hard for me to open to you because idk how to tell you things knowing it gonna make you upset n I hate seeing you mad. But we need to. It’s healthier that way. But anyways..oh my fucking goodness 😤😂 that was a lot. Way too damn much. I’m sorry I had to send this to you at work. Don’t be pissed off. Let me know when you need to go to the dr. We can talk about this then on the way there if you want or whenever or never, Idc. Just don’t hate me now please lol. ❤️😘❤️😘😘😘💋💋💋💋👄👄👄👄💋☺️ Oh yeah n I told my parents you asked me to be your gf over the weekend on my dad’s bday when we went to pappadeaux.. ❤️

[derrickixyou]

Dear Derrick,

You are sleeping right now right next to me n my heart is racing as I try to send this😢 I wanted to say this in person but every time I try I get tears in my eyes. I’m like extremely sensitive when it comes to you. Idk what it is and at the same time I know exactly what it is. I’m scared of what I feel when I’m around you and the effect you have on me. I cry almost every time I leave you. I hate being away from you. Yesterday my ex texted me. Idk why I didn’t tell you when you asked but yeah that was him n a couple friends that were wondering what I’ve been up to. None of them are nothing to worry about tho, I swear on everything. My ex is like a brother to me. I have no intimate feelings for him at all. You’re the only person I want or could ever want. I know we are both at different places in our lives in terms of what we want. I just want you to know that my feelings for you are genuine and I fully mean it when I say that there’s no place I’d rather be n nobody id rather be with than here with you or anywhere with you. I was gonna leave n go to Seattle or Portland until you let me back into your life. I’m so serious. I probably would have been just as miserable out there as I was here before I started seeing you again. This is hard to send n even harder to say out loud, but I realize and understand everything completely. It is likely that I’m going to get hurt again but I’m fine with that because right now in this moment if I can be right here with you I will take that even if it’s only temporary, even if that means this is only halfway sorta real. I can’t offer you much right now but what I’m giving is all I have. I know I probably don’t compare but I hope you can try n accept me as who I am and not have to settle for who I’m not. I honestly just want to see you happy. That is all I want. Even if it’s not ultimately with me, I just want you to know that I will still always love you🎇💌 You are my first real love and that is why this hurts me so much.

Love, Stephanie

[stephaniejoelle]

Need to do this forizzle

[zodiacspot]

Which Zodiac Squad would you fit in? Find out here

[stephaniejoelle]

I get jealous easily n super hurt like I will seriously feel tears well up if you like another chic’s pic or if I see you avert your eyes toward a pretty girl and definitely if your ex is snapping you n dm-ing you selfies of herself on the daily 😓😢😢 like Fr what the fuck 😥😥😥

[derrickixyou]

Weird texts that leave me like

[wildbookblr]