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ig: desidelreyy

[desidelrey]

Stedelijk, Amsterdam

[desidelrey]

she’s a ten, but she has to clarify that they’re moles, not dirt before you eat her out

[desidelrey]

I think I’m the most anxious version of myself I’ve ever been. I’ve always been an anxious person, but something that happened yesterday made me realize just how much it affects me. There is so much going on inside me. I become insecure, overthink every conversation and every action, and constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong thing or simply being too much. Since then, my thoughts haven’t stopped spinning. I replay everything in my head, wishing I had acted differently, but in those moments I can’t. My chest feels tight, I feel sick and all I want to do is shut down and withdraw. Deep down, I know my sense of safety has been shaken and I need time before things feel secure again. I hope that, with time, I can become brave again and stop feeling like I want to disappear whenever panic takes over. I’ve learned how to regulate myself when these moments happen, but I still can’t stop them from happening in the first place. It feels like I failed. I couldn’t overcome this hurdle, even though I truly wanted to. I felt powerless, like I had no control over myself. What hurts the most is that we both really wanted this, but I couldn’t bring myself to take that step. The other person did everything they could to make me feel safe and supported. They respected my needs and tried so hard to help me, but I still couldn’t overcome my fear. That leaves me with so much guilt and shame. I know this anxiety is holding me back and making me feel small and I wish I knew how to let these feelings go.

[desidelrey]

love doesn’t always feel as simple or carefree as it once did

[desidelrey]

when my boobs aren’t getting eaten, they’re holding my nail polish

[desidelrey]

I feel so glamorous when I put on earrings

[desidelrey]

I need to get out of this system. It’s driving me insane. It’s making me sick. I hate being surrounded by people. I hate meaningless conversations with people who refuse to think for themselves. I hate selfishness. I hate constantly questioning and reflecting on everything, only to end up feeling overwhelmed by what I see. I hate living in a world where people suffer while others look away because it’s easier to do nothing. I hate injustice, greed, and the way people with power treat others as if they don’t matter. I hate my job because I’m not allowed to do it the way I believe it should be done. Instead, I’m expected to follow a system that values compliance more than humanity. I hate being forced into a structure that goes against my values. I hate that most of us spend our lives surviving instead of truly living. We chase money, status, and security while forgetting what it means to be human. I hate having to explain myself, knowing most people won’t understand me anyway. One day, I will break away from this system. What that means, I don’t know yet, but I know I cannot keep living like this forever.

[desidelrey]

still wanna be alex russo when I grow up

[desidelrey]

do I give off lesbian vibes?? be honest

[desidelrey]

this restless legs syndrome is going to be the death of me!!

[desidelrey]

I think I might be into women

[desidelrey]

I lowkey want to be pregnant once just so I can have a smexy baby bump photoshoot and casually drop it in a photo dump

[desidelrey]

my father really said, "our oldest daughter doesn’t do anything around the house" and I was like, I’m literally still alive!! Isn’t that enough??

[desidelrey]

I just flicked two boogers out the window and for some reason it felt oddly whimsical

[desidelrey]

why is pooping so awful when you have a migraine?? like every time I have to push, it feels like my head is going to explode??

[desidelrey]

the way he asked me how to type the @ symbol on the keyboard was unexpectedly sexy!! I mean, he could’ve asked an IT guy or just googled it, but he asked me and lowkey think he did google it first, got nowhere and then came to me

[desidelrey]

when I send you videos and you don’t react to every single one, don’t comment on them or even send a laughing emoji, I feel like I’m getting ghosted by my favorite audience and I need a refund for my emotional investment!!