Everyone has the right to know their own body's biology.
(Tw: intersexism, altersexism, miscarriage mention, non-detailed discussions of SA)
We are AFAB. We have a typical external vulva. Between the ages of 9-11, we were sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by a group of teenage-adult cis men, on the basis of being queer.
We fell pregnant and miscarried before we’d even reached our teen years. That, combined with physical abuse, left us physically disabled for life.
Our puberty was strange. Our menstrual cycle was irregular and strange between the ages of 13-15. Our breasts produced unusual discharge. Our body hair grew thick. Our insides felt weird all the time.
We developed a special interest for queer topics at age 15. It continues to this day.
We developed a special interest for reproductive topics at age 15. It continues to this day.
This combined led to our special interest in intersex variations.
The spiraling began as we read about experiences different people with certain variations had. Symptoms of people with reproductive variations, hormone variations, chromosome variations. “That sounds like us. But what if it came from the miscarriage? What if it is just our physical disabilities?”
Spiraling. Spiraling. Spiraling.
We become adults. We go to a queer clinic. We, as a system, have decided that our shared body will be altersex, in order to make every headmate equally comfortable with their various gender and sex identities.
The doctor requires bloodwork before prescribing. They want to check our hormone levels. This is a relief. They can tell us if we hypogonadism or hypergonadism. That would check off those potentials.
We ask the doctor if the lab will be able to do a chromosome check as well. The doctor says it would be 400 dollars. We can’t afford that. Our parents won’t pay for that, either, because it’s not a necessary medical expense, and we have other bills to pay.
We express to the doctor that we want to know our sex. He responds “if you have a vagina, you most likely have XX chromosomes.”
This is factually correct - it is most likely the case - but it wasn’t reassuring, like he intended it to be.
“Most likely” isn’t an answer. It leaves us questioning our chromosomes on a daily basis. “Are we intersex, or is it just the miscarriage?”
The doctor tells us the test results. Typical estrogen levels of a female. This gets hypogonadism and hypergonadism off the list, but leaves us wondering if maybe our estrogen receptors are atypical. But we don’t ask for that to be checked, because it would cost money.
Every day, we wonder about our estrogen receptors. Our chromosomes. What our reproductive organs look like internally. “Are we intersex, or is it just the miscarriage?”
We are microdosing on testosterone. Our body has changed into a more androgynous one, and is continuing to change. We still have a few surgeries we desire, but there’s no rush for it. This is progress.
We are made fun of for our androgynous sex. No matter which headmate is fronting, they are always misgendered. No bathroom welcomes us without discomfort from those who do not know us.
“Are we intersex, or is it just the miscarriage?” plagues us every time we introduce ourselves in queer spaces. It plagues us every time we look at intersex experiences and relate to them.
What right do we have to push ourselves into the intersex community, when we have no evidence we belong there?
We were not born on the agenital spectrum. We were not born with ambiguous genitalia. We were not born with urethral variations. We don’t have hypogonadism. We don’t have hypergonadism.
We have no external evidence of any intersex variation.
“Do we have the right to push ourselves into the intersex community, when we have no evidence we belong there?”
This question haunts us more and more, as we are accused by endosex allies of invading intersex spaces. “Stop making intersex terms and flags” we are told, while simultaneously being asked by intersex people to create more. “Stop acting like you can speak for the intersex community” we are told, when sharing information we learned and compiled from intersex people and resources.
We try to ignore the endosex people who make demands of us. But we are left wondering if they are right…until another intersex person reaches out to request more.
Until another person reaches out to tell us they have discovered they are intersex through our posts. That they had no idea their traits were atypical, or had no idea that they could call themself intersex. (This has happened over 20 times now, on Tumblr & Reddit combined.)
That's not the point of this post.
Our experience is just another example of how difficult it is for people - especially intersex people - to learn about their own biology.
Hormone tests, chromosome tests, organ scans…these things should be standard practice in children and teenagers. Nobody should be left uninformed of their own body.
You shouldn't have to jump through diagnostic and financial hoops to know what is happening to you.
The government (in any country) needs to normalize proper sexual and reproductive healthcare. Standardize it. Make it so typical that it becomes expected and planned for. Make it where the word "intersex" is understood by anyone who can comprehend language.
You should have the right to your own body.