Twilight and his guilt/mistakes - Ch.86-107
Once upon a time, Loid "for the mission" Forger thinks in full sentences.
However, regarding his family, Twilight slowly moves from confirmed statements he states in his head to questions. We see him looking at Anya and Bond in the park miserably after the doggy crisis arc, thinking how he would have to leave his family. (Ch.23) After the tennis arc the confirmed statement has turned into hesitation, "Any lie can be justified, if it's in the name of peace... Huh?" (Ch.35) Towards the end of the cruise arc, we see him wondering to himself:
Chapter 75 is unsatisfying because we expect Twilight to give us his thoughts, like he's always done before.
But in ch.75, we get nothing:
Ch.83 gave us something similar to the previous pattern. Twilight asked himself this important question, "Why did you hesitate?" (ch.83). We got an indirect answer.
In ch.86, he tried to give us Yor his thoughts (I've talked about them here), but he didn't finish them (because of Yuri):
Ch.86 is the beginning of a new pattern of Twilight's thoughts: 1. he always finds his own imperfections/mistakes when he tries to be the spy; and 2. he no longer offers us his thoughts about the Forgers in complete sentences (although to be fair we know he loves them and that's not up for debate).
Every time he has to act as Twilight [the spy] an expanding crack in Twilight's "disguise" is revealed. In ch.92 and 107, [redacted] wants to do something for the mission and ends up thinking outside of the mission:
In ch.107, he's reminded once again how his missions, including his side missions, could hurt his family. In the bus arc, he's not there because he's on a side mission and had to run back "for nothing". In the Wheeler's arc, he almost killed Yor's brother because of his side mission (that was until he heard Yuri calling Yor's name). And here in ch.107:
And like in ch.86, he again didn't give us a full sentence: "Even so, I..." ("And therefore...")
Ch.92 and 107 have one thing in common - he's so eager to do his spy stuffs in the beginning, so much so we can see the sound of him calculating in ch.107.
But his mind grew quiet when he felt the guilt. Things still went his way, but was he as happy as he thought he would be?
He had a realisation during the Wheeler arc. What he would tell us (for now) is that he realises that he has failed as a spy. He (or should we say Endo) didn't show us explicitly what he thought about how he should deal with his family.
Endo dropped us hints though - ch.94 and 103. I think I will make an analysis on ch.103 so I'll only talk about ch.94 here. Is Twilight still "acting"? Yes, but he's not doing it for the mission. If in the cruise arc he often had to remind himself that it's a vacation (so is it a mission or a vacation), in ch.94 he knows it's not for the mission. He didn't even think about the mission in this chapter right after he told himself to forget about Anya's tonitrus bolts.
Ch.94 is the first vacation he actively takes. He's smiling the whole time. To think that during the cruise arc, this man had difficulties taking a vacation.
Ch.94 shows us that he's happy with his family as long as he doesn't think about the mission. The more he tries to act like Twilight, the more he notices about his own mistakes.
But that's fine. Endo gave us a hint which is unfortunately not shown in the English version. In ch.92, Ji-jiji told Anya something. In English, it's translated to be "Whenever you find a pitfall, it makes the road easier to walk the next time."
But there's a note next to the word "pitfall" that reads まちがい (間違い), meaning "mistake(s)". Who's been finding tonnes of his own faults lately? This guy.
But I believe in Ji-jiji. And I think Twilight will find the way.
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