poetry, for her

22 | lesbian poetry|

[destroyerofmountains]

she is undoing me

making me grow longer wings

her sweet troubles make me violent

tell me, sweeter than honey

where do you go in your nightmares?

tell me how you'd run away from the fog

i ask her to look into my eyes

so i can find the map in hers

where the sun meets the sea

tell me, dearest

how can i hold your hand in your dreams?

ask me to take the wheel, make the bread

sweeter than honey

her heart pulls me

[destroyerofmountains]

a thin line

between the answer and the losing of the mind

between whatever i have wished for

and what was placed on my left palm

leaking into my skin with my heart,

slowly becoming one

a bed i've been never laid upon

a smile i've never smiled

holding a little hand to show my love

look at me, i can do it again

again i won't wait for the dawn

for now i can sleep without a heavy heart

for her gentle steps are as sure as the stars

for at silent nights, i don't need to hold a knife

because there is no coward on sight

[destroyerofmountains]

maybe it was a crack on the glass

that made me lose my balance

maybe it was all of a sudden

like a wind right onto my hair

making me feel my lungs again

her bold sweetness like the eastern wind

and i'm a cat on her lap, by her boots

i am so close to home now

where i can rest my head

where no one tests my heart

i can hold my own hands again

through hers, i can feel my own veins

i can smile again with the innocence

of the love's first day around

i can lay my hair on that pillow

without any salt to taste

and home

it was closer than i've ever thought

[destroyerofmountains]

the melodies i have begged on my knees for i can only hear them when i start to walk away tender tears on some lover's cheek i can only see them when i keep my eyes closed stains of my life on a paper i only bleed when i was with you my skull on a pillow, asking for peace i can only have silence after three winters the words i want to create and crave i only write them for a cruel child begged for forgiveness once she only remembers the tunes now when she no longer feels my footsteps

break a mirror today, face the blood on your hands mimic the nemesis, lay her on the ground embrace her, her pieces sticking to your arms no stages left on the mourning no dark cloth to cover myself with i miss the trees three winters down who was i?

[destroyerofmountains]

i thought within my skull's borders

i was not a stranger to this fire

which makes me less agile,

makes me eat less,

close my eyes and dream less

i thought it didn't bring anything new

its shoes would make the same noise

its hands would feel the same when it hits

my chees would turn into the same red

how wrong was the voices

dear, it broke my skull

crushed me with thick boots

invaded my cells with a fog

gods have left my temple

there are no closing my eyes with peace

and still i think i know the fire

i think it is burning me the same

how does one get used to burning?

how long do i have to wait?

my wound left me with flames

those remind me that

i need to grieve a daughter too

that i'll never hold in my arms

for i was not the treasure

she can move armies for

for i am cursed head to toe

to see the darkness in every breath

dear wound within my veins

can i even live without your flames?

[destroyerofmountains]

you left the house to the curses

not a single trash on the ground

just pure and bright emptiness

you took your heart out

and placed it in a box

to bury what is rotten within

your rusty ribcage

into the soil of nostalgia

now tell me

could a sword release this knot?

would your cold lips poison me,

if i really deeply wanted it?

is regret sweeter than my tears?

does it give you a warm bed?

a skin to caress and a hand to hold?

now i imagine you

cuddling with regret

on the coldest table of earth

what a miss, dear

what an end

[destroyerofmountains]

a flower which cannot dry

always fresh, always proud

on my hands, tickling my palm

even they are ashamed

to know it was a caterpillar

my sight tricked me

not yet a butterfly

giving the dagger to the deer

i won't make a good hunter

would i?

now in here i wonder

in the city of sleepwalkers

how i could memorize your breathing better

could i find your scent in any fabric again

would you stab me again, little deer?

on those white sheets

again and again

with that cold dagger

until i see no other color

[destroyerofmountains]

i had a dream,

you know i rarely have them

your little hands on my face

tearing the frown out of my face

placing a good little smile on my lips

your touch was like tulips

reminding me the squares of my city

and i walk on them alone now

dreaming a you on my right arm

pointing out the building i've never saw before

buildings i've ignored a thousand times

now they are like roses to me

smiling at me, accepting me

i know you don't enjoy cities

neither do i anymore

but i enjoy you on my right arm

your curls turns into my veins

dream ends

my hands long for your scent

mountains between us

but our love stories go trough them my love

no love is flowing like water in the east

all of them are

delicate enough to destroy a mountain

harsh enough to yearn for your touch

tell me, my butterfly,

did my mother send you

from heavens above?

[destroyerofmountains]

i'm back in where i'm supposed to be

following her little footsteps

every now and then

and there's no smokers in this house

at least not anymore

and i can't help not to feel this

it's like i'm sick

i'm forever sick in this house

and hands are begging me to stay

just for another night

just to sleep on that hard couch

one more time

but i'm not her daughter

i have hair dye on my fingertips

and i know she hates it

her perfect image is slightly different now

i'm not what she has gave birth too

judging my feet about

which direction they take

i'm not her daughter

and my tears are about to choke me

i haven't cried in months

i carry an ocean within my skull

my name is not on my collar anymore

i dropped it

let me go to my bed

so i can release this ocean

don't kiss my hair or my eyes

grieving doesn't stop

and i couldn't help but wonder

if you'd still like me

when i change my pillow case

in every 3rd of march

and i couldn't help but imagine

if she'd like you

or accept me

[destroyerofmountains]

i have mourned for you, for a breathing flesh with no lust, a tongue has never tasted grapes mixed with her own salt. your table is dusty and there is no chair for me to sit, but my mother taught me how to love with patience, without strategy. so i tried to see the color of your table with a cloth on my hand soaked with my own blood tried to get rid of your dust but dust turned into ashes ashes turned into a fire i wasted my handwork for nothing you were still with the fire no smile on your face nor cruelty because you can't be the performer, can't be the fire or can't have any chairs more i'll leave and your table will hug its dust again your walls will never hear a singing voice again you'll never be talented enough to build another chair ones like me could come and go but woman, they should know your table is not dusty, it is made of dust other people are not hell, but you will always be the other one. so i'll take my carnival with me i'll conquer cities and kill gods on a spree. you'll sit and sit and sit with your splendid dusty table to touch you're not even good enough to wait for something my fire wouldn't die out but it can't give you life i wasted my blood for nothing how can you miss the sunlight this much?

[destroyerofmountains]

she

who takes her freedom from the soil

and carries it on her back

she

who raised me, held my hand

still climbs on the trees at this age

what have you seen, grandma,

on the eyes of your horse?

have you seen me,

carrying you on my back?

have you seen a better world

where your older brother has no mouth and hands,

where your husband's is not capable of lying?

have you seen your granddaughters,

swinging on the trees you've planted

at their age?

have you seen your kitchen full of us,

the women you have made?

who did leave you in darkness?

what can i bring with taking revenge?

tell me, little old lady,

when can we break the chain around your ankles?

is it too late to ask you for your prayers?

should i believe in your god too?

or can i?

tell me,

for i am lost.

[destroyerofmountains]

love me more than you love anybody else

our story shouldn't be anything less

my heart couldn't take it anymore, dear empress

veins, full of blood,

left alone without any sense

i have a planet to impress

so, i won't settle in a mere house

i wouldn't care about anybody

who tries to trespass

because you,

only you can protect the land

no god in the trees

can be as brave as you

my woman, heartless and fearless,

you bring the sun down to my hands

which madman can even look at you in the eyes?

you make their arms weak

and my heart beat

you bring me the terrible kind of fear

pass all that, all that to me, only me

let me hide you behind me

eyes, the color of burning forests

you make me ache for far away,

my hate struggles,

how can i leave for you

how can i make myself a home for you

i only want violence

or love

i won't settle for anything less

so love me more,

love me more than you do anyone else.

[destroyerofmountains]

i don't wish to be a set of jewelry

for anybody to wear me

and show me off in this city

because my stones are too rough to be shaped

too heavy for your pockets to be kept

and on your skin, your blood would be shed

i have no lust to be a missing part

of a perfect, organized life

and fix a broken heart

i want that undeniable and violent pain,

that makes me want to rip my own skin

and nothing ordinary, plain

i don't want rosé wine and tarts on my table

i want to stay hungry as much as i'm able

but still, i'm nothing unlovable

i don't wish to sit front of a human-mirror

i just want that lovely humor

that made of a woman's horror

even when she has to shake hands with the devil

she keeps me in her line with a mere needle

not that my heart is a riddle

i have seen the empress' sea

without a fish on sight for me to see

her demons are fighting and she watches them with me

and she whispers to my ears:

"nothing can make me bow down,

nothing can tame me and love

when i am in peace with all of my doubts"

who is she,

with me or without me?

[destroyerofmountains]

if i was able to set the flames

you would see everything cleary

you would see what kind of a mees made me

so i left you in bleak

i've became what i once despised

wore a mask to keep you mesmerized

but this is not sweet love, just an idea

a dream that i've dreamt

on top of a moldy tank

while hearing the notes of apocalypse from the birds left alive

the war once i was so brave in has ended

but i'm still bleeding

counting faces in the night like counting sheep

and i've grown to let go of addictions

while i didn't realize i've let the love go

now my flames are only seen on mere papers

i can't bring myself to cry for burnt bridges

but,

if only i could spend my nights caressing your face

if only i could promise to wash your troubles away with a rosy taste

now i sleep with cold forearms and hate the smell of the roses

if only you could hate me, because i have such kind of poses

if only you could have the tongue with thorns that can bring me down

but why the hell in the world,

you are made of bubblegums?

[destroyerofmountains]

i wonder how is it like to know someone every corner and every dead end of them and then i look at her in a different way a hopeful and calm way and i realize all the wasted time of my precious life were spent for clueless deers i thought loving someone was like hunting but now i know, it's like a war so here i am, dear sun-ball I don't want to love you but i want to hold your hands I don't want to love you but i'll be a great secret-keeper of yours I don't want to love you but i want to write for you days and days, nights and nights I don't want to love you

i choose to despise you

[destroyerofmountains]

now, i've learned this: love doesn't have any shape and i'll always serve my heart on a plate with thin golden cuts on it its sauce would be rich, but sour you'll taste it every evening and you'll cheer for what you have on the table a mind that can feel a heart that can think a poetess on the daylight a ruler on the moonlight what a fucking miss nod your head every time that you think of me and you know i know that you're not clean nor i am eat what you have on your plate don't you dare to look at the wine

[destroyerofmountains]

my grandmothers believed in the trees

and the blue skies

they have taught me lullabies

and how to love

and they've wasted those beautiful ways 

to reach to sun

to love one

in harsh hands, in harsh faces

so tell me

am i the wrong one

if my heart aches for the cotton-faced love of mine

am i the sinner

if i want to pull the strings of her legs

close and closer to me every single night

am i the fool if i'm willing to cut every thorn of every rose in our heaven

so she can smell them without a doubt

am i the blind one

if i want to raise a daughter, only with her by my side

my grandmothers knew nothing

their gods were wrong and their spells were useless

because one doesn't know about love

if they don't see stars whenever they open their eyes

if they don't feel butterflies on their mouth whenever they speak

one doesn't know about life

if they don't see it as a lover,

not an opponent by devil's side

so here i am to rise

not to the skies above

but to her arms

bring me the sins of your life

i'll call them love