Tuan. @destroythemwithkindness - Tumblr Blog

9/12/24

So..little update with what's happening so far. This week has been absolutely crazy - starting out with taking the TEAS at sac state that I had to call out of work for, finishing my assignments for my psychology course, going to my dad's wedding this weekend, hanging out with di hoang afterwards, and then celebrating my birthday on Sunday and having my birthday dinner on tuesday.

I took the TEAs on tuesday. I've been studying for it for a while, although not at full force. I ended up getting a 79, which is still a proficient score, but its not going to be good enough to apply to sac state. I'm okay with that, even though I did spend a good chunk of money with the pre-application process. It's okay. I'm glad that I tried, instead of wondering. I still have 3 programs that I'm going to apply for. And that 50 minute commute to sac state is no joke - I didn't want to make that commute anyway. You really do have to be a perfect student to get into sac state. I don't even qualify, even though my science gpa is a 4.0 and nursing pre-req is a 3.8. On to the next mission.

So the next step is to finish these retakes of the prereqs. 8 week course of psychology ends in october. 8 week course of socioliogy goes until december. Then stats and microbio in spring. And apply to 3 schools in spring. Get into a (private) nursing program in the fall. Things are still going to be okay, and I should be proud of myself for taking things step by step. I got this.

Updates to my last post regarding nursing programs

So...of course I hit an obstacle with schools. I found out the nursing program I wanted to go to the most have expiring pre-reqs. Its not as bad as PA school, but its a similar endless cycle. I feel like they do this more because of money - although partly because of student preparation. Classes expire within 7 years. So basically, if some life event happens, or you end up not getting into the programs the first time, you basically start over again, being re-entered into the school system to retake these courses. I was really frustrated when I found out about this, but realize that I could be upset, or I could just do what I need to do. It acted like a big question - how bad do I really want this? It's a lot of work and frustrating because it feels like my past work with taking these courses have gone to waste, but these are the obstacles I need to overcome if I want to purse my career in nursing. So I said fuck it, and enrolled into psych and sociology again. Then I'll need to take microbio and stats again next semester. These pre-reqs are only required for one program, but it's my top program. I have a fallback nursing school if I don't get into this one, and I just want to put in my all to at least TRY to get into the school I want. It's not impossible, but its going to be a lot of work. And I think it'll be the last time I'm stuck in this cycle and I can finally move forward.

I'm also studying more harder for the TEAS and applied to sac state - probably one of the most difficult nursing programs in california due to their point system. You basically have to have perfect grades, a great TEAS score, and they take in the students with the most point. No interview, no personal statement, nothing submitted that actually tells who you are as a person. Just grade points.

It's kind of a sucky path ahead, but at least I have a plan and direction now. I got a lot of shit to do and I think that makes me more motivated to accomplish my goals.

New progress 8.14.24

So I have some new updates to nursing school, and basically what I've been working on this summer.

I've been doing more research with nursing schools, and am starting to understand it better. There are 4 credible universities in Sacramento: They are Chamberlain University, Samuel Merritt University, Sacramento State and University of San Francisco. I wanted to stay in Sac because I feel like I have everything set up perfectly here at my apartment to become a full time student again. I was confused to why some programs wanted the HESI/Teas and why other didn't require it. So through my research, I found that 2 of these schools are public universities (cheaper) and 2 of them are private (much more expensive). The private ones are more lax on requirements and are easier to get into because they want your money. Public schools are harder to get into, but they're cheaper. At this point, I don't even care what I pay - I believe the private schools are 60k-100k and the public schools may be in the 30k range. I don't think I want to go through not getting into a program again and waiting another year. I rather pay the absurd amount and start this journey going.

With that being said, this summer, I continued working as a phlebotomist at a new location (Rocklin PCN) while taking a nutrition class and slightly been studying for the TEAS. I got my A and basically satisfied the last requirement to apply for the public programs (Sac State and Samuel Merritt). But I found that the applications for SM don't open until spring - so I'm going to wait for spring for that. I did finish applying to 2 nursing schools however (chamberlain and USF)!!! This was a huge milestone for me because it's something that I've been waiting for since the beginning of the year. Chamberlain is the most expensive school and its for that reason that it's easy to get into. So I feel like regardless of what happens, I'm going to be starting nursing school in Sept 2025. On the other hand, the second program (USF) turned out to be a better fit for me than I thought. They're partnered up with the VA in sacramento, which is my old place of employment. They are very veteran-centered, and it was really fun answering their supplemental questions. I have a really good feeling about that program. I think it'll be so funny to do my clinicals at that hospital and seeing my old co-workers. That school actually starts in the Spring, and it's the school I want to get in the most.

I'm trying to see if I have enough time to finish the rest of the requirements for Sac State, because the deadline for them to get TEAs results will be in October. I feel like I need to try, since that was the reason I took nutrition in the first place. So the next goal will be trying to apply to Sac State, and then apply for the final school (SM) if I don't get in to Sac State or USF, which would both start in spring.

All I know is I'm fucking ready. Ready to start the next step in my career. I've been a phlebotomist for 6 years now...I can't believe that. I only intended to do that for a year or so..and its been 6 already. It's not that I hate the job, but I feel like I gained what I needed from it. I now have experience with Cancer patients, drawing babies, kids, adults, and vets in all departments. I'm thankful for that experience because it's definitely going to make me a better nurse. I can't wait for them to see what I can bring to the table.

That's it for now. I have to go into work soon, but just wanted to document the progress I've been proud of so far. It's greatly improved my mental state now that I'm finally making some progress again. I will write more updates as they come :)

7/23/24 - small daily progress notes with gym

So, a little after I moved out to this apartment in Roseville, I decided to finally get a gym membership after YEARS of being gym-less. Up until then, I've been using resistance bands and calisthenics for my workouts, which achieved great results. I ended up getting a membership at Planet Fitness because it was cheap, 24 hours, and sooo clean compared to 24 hour fitness. Later on down the road, I stopped going as much because it was so crowded after work. Even around 10pm - which was crazy.

Most recently, I decided to wake up at 5am to go to the gym. It's been so much better. Super empty, and I don't have to stress about the guilt of needing to hit the gym after work. An added bonus is it makes me more tired by the end of the night, and I don't have to rely on sleep aids to fall asleep. That's been another thing - as I got older, I felt like it was harder for me to go to sleep. It should be the opposite right? But yeah, no. I feel like I have more energy than when I was younger. I was taking melatonin every night to wind down, but lately, I haven't had the need for that, which is soo nice.

Back to the topic of the gym: I feel like its more important, now more than ever, to keep my fitness in check. I haven't experienced body pains yet while in my 30's, but I see it from friends/family who are. I figured I really need to prioritize diet and gym now. It's not even about trying to look good, but instead, feeling good, for as long as I can. I've always been a fitness person, but I also always HATED going to the gym. It was time-consuming, makes me feel like shit during the workout, and I feel like I have poor discipline, which turns into guilt for not going enough. But I think it's time to change my mindset and start trying to like going to the gym and being more easy on myself with saying "a little progress is better than no progress at all".

To do that, I've only been doing 2 sets instead of 3 and lowering the weight so I'm not pushing myself too hard. My workouts are really only 30-40 minutes. And to me, that's more doable and more sustainable in the long run. I'll admit I'm weak AF, but that's okay. I found that even though pushing my dumbbell weight higher makes me stronger, it also makes more bulky. Once I starting hitting the gym with weights again, I gained 10 lbs even with good diet. I was definitely stronger, but I didn't like how I looked. Then, I went back to why I liked the way I look with training exclusively with bands - lower weights, slower reps, more resistance, is how I'll achieve my ideal body goals again. I'll do either 0.5mi/1m of cardio after the workout to increase my cardiovascular health as well. I think in that way, I look better, and feel better. It's only been a week since I started this new routine, so I'll update on how this goes.

7/22/24

Trying to start up a daily blogging routine again because I miss doing that, and also I think that's something that would definitely help process my thoughts. I'm trying to decide where to put these thoughts - either here, or my phone. I haven't decided yet. So right now, I'm doing both. I don't have a lot of time right now, but just wanted this is be an introduction post to the goal I have in mind. Will try to blog again one more time after work today - but I'm going to head out now.

Update after SO LONG 4/6/19

I don’t even know how long its been since I’ve updated...but here’s a good update :)

So in Feb 2018, I enrolled in a phlebotomy program (blood drawing). I wanted to get away from the CNA career and do something else that was less straining on my body, as well as something more invasive-based; closer to what I’ll be doing as a PA. I chose phlebotomy because it was basically a 6 week program to be certified. But that journey wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

I passed the national in March ‘18, got my actual license in July ‘18, and finally got hired in Nov ‘18. That took a whole 9 months to jump into a new career..I struggled finding a job after I got my certificate. Im sure I applied at least to 100 different places and have about 30 rejection emails in my inbox, no lie. From July to September, I applied every single day and I basically was able to get ONE job offer. I fucking took that shit and went all in. The thing is, it was a job in the bay area. A government position at the VA in Palo Alto. So I had to leave everything behind.

At first, I was sooo stoked for this opportunity and didn’t even look back at everything I was leaving behind in Sacramento. I finally got a job. One that paid $8/hr more than my previous job, with full medical, dental, and vision benefits. My bank account is almost 6x what is was since I left (4 months). But later on, I felt like I was constantly grinding in the bay area since I still don’t have any friends down there. So I applied for a transfer back to Sacramento and was granted it, with almost the same pay! :)

Honestly, this is the best experience I have gained towards my career. I’ve worked alongside doctors & nurses. I’ve drawn surgeons and gotten positive feedback. I’ve drawn ex-IV drug users, cancer patients, spinal-cord injury patients, and psychiatric patients. I’ve drawn patients right before their surgeries. This is more than I could ever hope for, and def worth the struggle I went through to get here.

Anyway, some logistics now. I left with about 700 patient care hours under my belt. I’ll have 1500 hours next week. I’m thinking about getting 3000 hours and applying for grad school in spring 2020.

My anxiety explained 12.1.18

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I am the way I am today. I never want my past to define me, but at the same time, I can’t just ignore it. Otherwise, I’m blind towards a big piece of the puzzle that makes me who I am today. So this is my anxiety explained - for my future reference or if it’s useful information for anyone else that has been through the same thing.

SO, growing up, my parents always tried to discipline me with fear. If I said something wrong, I would get beat. If I did something wrong, I would get beat.

e.g. everytime I broke a glass cup, I got a beating. Everytime I talked back, I got a beating. My parents made sure of it to punish me and keep me scared bc they thought that was the best way to keep me in line. That’s how their parents raised them.

So growing up, I noticed that I only speak when spoken to. I have this thing where I’m scared to say the wrong thing. I’m scared to be wrong because I think I’ll be punished for it. Like, when I’m in school, I only raise my hand if I’m 100% certain about what the answer is. Because being wrong makes me feel humiliated, ashamed, and scared. Or when I can’t send people a text back right away until I take some time on forming the perfect response that conveys everything I want to say, and that is open enough to keep the conversation flowing. Or the reason behind why I need so much time to think about what I say before I say it; and having to memorize the dialogue with every person I have a conversation with in order to ensure that I remember to say everything I wanted to say and say it correctly.

This affected me a lot growing up and I didn’t even know it. I was always a quiet person and I never knew why. And people made it feel like being quiet was a choice, and a weak quality to have. It sure did make me feel more lonely. I would always hold back my opinions because I didn’t think they mattered to anyone. The only time I would talk is if someone explicitly asked about what I thought because then, I would know that they really do value my opinion. I would gather around different groups trying to make friends in high school but I could never utter any words...or I never knew the right time to utter those words, because who would ever care about what I thought, right? Later on, I told myself that I like one on one hangouts more than group hangouts, and now I understand why.

Being governed by fear of saying/doing the wrong thing prevented me from becoming my own unique person that people would want to be around. It made me invisible. I spent most of my life until until the end of college a loner.

Another part of how I was raised that contributes to my anxiety is I was raised to believe that my value was measured by what I could offer the world, not who I was in the world.

Self love wasn’t taught. Hell, it wasn’t even something that existed until I got to college. My parents put me through so many lessons, tutors, extracurricular activities not because I wanted to do them, but because they were trying to make me into somebody. My worth was measured through my successes, academic accomplishments, and contribution to society. Not my kindness, compassion, uniqueness, or personality. That shit didn’t matter. If I cried, I was told to shut up or locked in my dark bathroom until I stopped. If I was depressed, I was told I was ungrateful. If I tried on different styles of clothing, I was called gay.

Who I was didn’t matter. How much I struggled didn’t matter. How sad and depressed I was didn’t matter. But when I reached success??? Oh man, I became a great deal. My parents should show me off like huge shiny trophies. “Look at what MY son did” “Look at how smart he is” “Look at how talented he is” “Look at how successful he is”

Now we go into why I went into this mode of always working hard for my parent’s approval. Why I started working so hard for them...but eventually realized it is not a long term goal, because nothing will ever be enough. And they’ll only be there at the finish line and not during the race. And trust me, there will be many races.

So with that said, now a large part of my identity became linked to how successful I was at the moment. My life is good while I doing well academically, and when I’m not, I’m borderline suicidal. Why?? When I’m not doing well academically, I feel like I have nothing. Without my successes I have nothing. Without new accomplishments to tell my parents, I feel like I have nothing because I never worked on being my own person. I didn’t know who the fuck I was as an individual without my accomplishments. During the 6 months that I was jobless after completing a $3000 phlebotomy program, I probably wanted to commit suicide at least 3 times, and it felt like I had chronic depression with no motivation to get up. And at that same time, my dad called me lazy and unproductive while I was applying every single day and receiving rejection letters left and right.

All this combined is why sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who the fuck is looking back. Individuality was never focused on in my household and sometimes I don’t feel like my mind is attached to this body. Sometimes, my own face looks foreign to me. My voice, unrecognizable. I lived in this body my whole life and yet, why don’t I feel connected to it by now??

So yeah, now I’m just trying to rewrite all that. I’m trying to find and love myself as late as I am to the party. I don’t resent my experiences or my parents because I know I do have some good qualities that I love about myself. And only with all my experiences combined did I become this person. Even if I had a better childhood, I couldn’t say for sure that I would be 100% the person that I wanted to me. But I do know for 100% certainty that I am proud of this person today, despite his troubled past. I know my parents did the best they could, and what’s done is done. This generation is a byproduct of the mind at war, from my parents, their parents, and their parents. I can’t change my past, but I can change my future and stop this cycle of disciplining future generations with fear and fucking them up psychologically. I can either fall victim to my experiences or use it to make me stronger. My struggles make me great. A perfect life knows no hardships. A perfect life builds no character. I am grateful for everything I’ve been through, and I will make it through stronger and better each time.

More post-midnight life rants 9.24.18 2a

It’s been a while since I ranted ahaha but it’s good for self-documentation assuming this site doesn’t go down. I always told people to login to my tumblr if I ever pass away because you’ve find everything that I’ve ever dealt with that I don’t talk to about to anyone.

Currently, I’m not depressed or anything, but I just had a thought that I’d like to document for future reference. Looking back at my life, I feel like high school and prior is a blur...It’s something I can’t remember, and the parts that I do remember, I want to forget. I think compared to a lot of people, the different kinds of people I became and grew out of during adolescence hit hard. You know that time when kids turn 12 or around that age, they start to go through puberty and act differently than the kids they were before that? That’s what I’m talking about.

I looked at how my little cousins are (they’re about 15/16 now) are they’re more mature and unchanged than I was. I don’t know if it’s how I grew up or what I was dealing with at the time, but I became people that I don’t like, nor can I even imagine that was me. Like, I was a stupid ass kid. I got caught for shoplifting FUCKING YUGIOH CARDS, got D’s and F’s all the way up until middle school because I tried so hard to be liked or chased girls, basically became this quiet kid who was too cool for anything, was the biggest loner throughout middle school and highschool, just trying to be liked or be important from different groups of friends. I know that was the worst run-on sentence ever lmao. But yeah...I think up until 2016, I didn’t really know who I was or who I wanted to be. And it only happened because a scenario occurred that showed my true colors to myself and I realized I didn’t like that person. So only about 2 years of having an idea of who I am now - something I should have been working on long time ago.

Okay so what I’m getting at is - I believe a lot of the anxiety, self-doubt, and depression I have are the remnants of who I was. Yeah, I am changing into the person I want to be, but sometimes I feel stuck in situations and it felt like a natural obstacle. Like maybe this is who I am and I’m just awkward and emotionless and have a need of always wanting to be liked. But I don’t think it’s that anymore. This is just the person I’ve been for so long, and it’s going to take time to transition into this person I want to be. And that’s okay because I’m making progress.

I noticed this when drunk me comes out. I feel like this huge barrier is lifted, and who I want to be comes out from underneath. That person who is careless and free and isn’t afraid to express himself. And then when I’m sober again, I’m blocked. Idk if this makes any sense lmaooo, but it’s a step in the right direction on knowing who I am. One day I’ll get there.

4.17.18

Woke up feeling a bit depressed today. I was kind of depressed the night before, but was hoping the feeling would go away the next day. It didn’t. I had to kind of think about why I was feeling the way I did, but there was no clear reason. It wasn’t anything wrong that was going on in my life, I was just sad. In a mode where I was super overwhelmed and just wanted everything to stop...indefinitely. And then I contemplated talking to someone about it, but I don’t think there’s anyone out there but myself would could understand. I don’t care for pity or blanket statements like “it’s all going to be okay”, I just want someone who can understand the feeling. But I don’t think anyone is fucked up in the head as me lol. I knew I had to be the one to pick myself up.

I saw this video asking, “do you really want to die, or do you just not want to feel this way”?

That was an eye opener. I honestly don’t want to die, but sometimes, if that’s the only way to not feel this way or have this feeling not reoccur, then yeah, that will always be on my mind.

This world is kind of just so fucked up and filled with so much negativity that it can be so overwhelming sometimes. There seems to be so much bad and only a few pockets of light still here.

I guess that’s more reason to try to shine my light even brighter, even when the world around me tries to consume me with darkness. I always have to remind myself that I do have a good life, good health, and good people around me. This life is far from a perfect one, but its the one we’ve all been given and it’s our job to make the most of it and make it better, if we can. Continue to fight the good fight and not be afraid to have those days where you can’t be strong anymore and cry it out to fight another day

My Anxiety (still in progress)

working on my first poem. I wanna get into poetry

It’s like looking at your reflection, feeling rejection and finding yourself completely perplexed at the stranger staring back

Like not feeling a sensation that’s always been lacking

The intune-ness with my own skin, it’s never been there

I can laugh and I can grin, but there’s a delayed response and it just doesn’t feel like me deep within

My anxiety is don’t speak unless spoken to

Don’t fight back unless provoked to

Own up to your own agonizing pain because you’re a man, right?

But...He’s my friend because he’s always been there

Yet, he’s my foe because every time I get scared as I start to lose control of my thoughts and emotions

They come rushing in like a raging ocean with no life jacket, no rowboat, no oars -

No, just an endless uphill internal war with myself.

So, I drown.

My lungs collect with water & I can’t speak. There’s no oxygen and I can’t breathe.

I feel like I’m dying and yet I’m not

I try and try to think happy meadows and yet I’m blocked

TBC

Interview practice

What makes you a solid addition to our team?

I believe I have the skills and experience to be a great addition to your team. More specifically, all of my experience is centered around working closely with the elderly, so it is not only familiar to me, but I love working with them. There are many people out there who have the physical ability to get the job done, but not all of them have the heart or compassion for the job or the elderly. I believe I have both. Working with the elderly is more than just a paycheck for me. As a caregiver/CNA, I know I have an important job because it’s my responsibility to take care of the needs of daily living of residents. Putting myself in their shoes, residents rely on us for their needs and it can be so frustrating when caregivers aren’t putting in their best or think the residents are just being too needy. It’s already frustrating to start to lose the ability to do everyday self-care tasks that they were once able to do, and even more difficult to rely on another person to perform these personal tasks for them. I completely understand that, which is why I always try to help them in the best way that I can while still giving them space to support their independence, whenever I can.

When ur watching ur show and they’re giving a recap at the beginning of every episode...BITCH I don’t need no recap when this is my 20th episode in a row GET ON WITH IT

PA schools

1. Charles R. Drew University

2. Dominican University of California

3. Loma Linda University (need 2000+ paid hours)

4. Samuel Merritt

5. Southern California University of Health Sciences

6. Touro University

7. UC Davis

8. University of the Pacific

9. Western University of Health Sciences

Need to do: Clinical hours, PA shadowing hours, volunteer hours, take genetics, medical terminology and anatomy.

Fuck. It’s almost 1am and I’m here stressing about PA schools bc I was looking at some people’s incredible stats who got in and I’m nowhere close to them...It’s amazing that around this time last year, I was only eligible for one school - and was willing to take that chance because some of these classes were too hard T.T...but after next semester, I’m going to be eligible for 9 different schools. That’s amazing. I’m just gonna apply everywhere and going to accept the first yes I get. I don’t even expect that I’ll get in during the first cycle, but I got my fingers crossed. Here’s my plan moving forward:

#pa #school

Plan going forward 8.17.17 1:54a

At the end of the month, I should be around 600-700 hours. I’m going to switch from full-time to on-call so I can finish 2 more bio classes at ARC. They’re morning classes and I can’t imagine being able to do anything if I’m working full time...doing full-time this summer, I didn’t have time for anything but eat, sleep (a good 8-10 hours every night hehe), and work. I’m trying to slip in some of my hobbies in there like an hr of reading, piano, gym, a day - but it’s still really hard. I feel like I never have time and when I do, I’m too tired to do anything. I really learned how it felt to work full-time and came to the realization that I need to love my job in order to be happy with a full-time schedule. Because this summer was draining and depressing ;__;

I’ll be taking gen bio and principles of biology this fall. Both with lab - 10 units total. Since it’s in the morning, I’ll have to quickly flip around my sleeping schedule..I sleep at 4am most nights ):but this way I’ll have wayyy more time and energy to do things after class. I’m a bit sad that I won’t be having that income, but it’s a good trade-off because school will be more relaxing for me. I can’t wait to start hitting the gym and dieting again.

After this semester, I plan to be at or closer to the 1000hr range, and then I wanna top it off with 500 more hours during spring. I want to also take an online genetics class at UCB, because that will open up my options to applicable schools from 3->8, and one of them has to accept me, right?? I’m pretty confident with my gpa, but hours are still a bit lacking, so that’s the priority. I’m literally so close, yet so far to achieving my life long dreams, and I can hardly believe it. Thanks to all my supporters who have been with me all this way. We’re almost there, guys.

Highlights of work today 8.12.17

One of my supervisors (an LVN of like 20 years or so who I work closely with) came into one of my residents room who I was taking care of and said to the resident:

“Oh, you’re so lucky to have Brian as your CNA tonight!! He’s a really good guy and one of my favorite CNA’s here”

UGHHHH MY HEART. Thank you, Lisa. I really wanna ask her for a letter of rec before I leave this job.

#2: While I was on my lunch break, I walked outside to chill. Then this husband who was sitting with his wife (one of my residents) thanked me for taking care of his wife. He said:

“My wife told me that you take really good care of her. I wanted to thank you”

UGHHHH my heart x2. It’s small things like these that make the job so worth it. The job itself isn’t great. But it’s the impact I can make and directly feel that keeps me going.

#cna #cnalife

I love this picture I took today. When you wanna take pictures but have no models, you become the model LOL. Sad that I’m always limited to boring straight shots with my tripod, but I’m glad I’ve finally figured out the perfect light setup I’ve been looking for. 2 speedlights on the sides, and one reflector in the middle. It’s always the most embarrassing shot that looks the best

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