deterritorialized flesh @deterritorializedflesh - Tumblr Blog

I will lose whatever humanity remains in me to an annihilating ecstasy. I will destroy myself and I will be happy

#georges bataille #perversity #depravity

I think about all their reactions. I think my mom would kill herself if i had. I can't let her. I don't know how much it would really impact my friends. I don't think any of them would grieve that hard. I don't know if many would come to my funeral. My mom would invite so many, but how many can i say had known me? Actually knew me? And there are those who know me but don't really like me as much as they think they do. I know at least one person who might even be happy about it, even if for a split second. But with the exception of my mom, no one's life will stop because of my death. What am i to them? A friend? A best friend? An old classmate? A son? A daughter?

By now, Im only alive because I want to make my mom happy. Neither of us can live without the other. So when she passes, I have nothing left to live for. God, please let her live forever, happy and content, with a wonderful partner who sees her in all of her beauty.

I don't know what I want. I don't want to be alone either, but i don't want some forever partner. I just wish i could feel the love people have for me, but i can't understand any of it, therefore i am blind to it. So much is in my mind these past days regarding my death and worth. I need to get out of this loop, and im trying to find the crack in the seams, but i keep falling down so many different branches. It makes me disoriented. I think and feel so much at once. I just want to feel happy at the end of the day, be surrounded by those i love.

I just want to hug my mom and tell her i love her. I feel horrible tonight. i wish i was a better kid for her. i wish i was happier for her sake. Im so sorry mother

God please listen to my prayers. Please its all i have left

Im alone but i know theres a secret inner happiness inside me, my life is a journey to find it. Laughter is the point to life, and yes i do believe its meant to be shared with others, but i dont think my life is meant to be shared with anyone since the world has decided thats what im not meant for. So ill settle for laughing with myself alone, all the jokes in the world that nobody is privy to! I find so much funny so easily, I think this will be easy as long as i remember theres always something to laugh at. The birds, the jokes, the misfortune of others or myself, anything really. Thelemites got it pretty close! Even if im alone in the world, i have my mind which can be a blessed gift when it wants to be. Ive lost the art of imagination and metacognitive practices for awhile. I used to be great at making worlds within worlds, dreaming different people and scenarios. I'll retrain myself. If existence is my prison then I will paint my walls until Im happy with my illusions. Everyone around me disappoints me, so at the least I can make people who I can play with anytime and they'll never tire of me. This is what happiness is to me, I think

what more is there for me to do? whats left for me to do? i don't think im worth much. how do you love the unloveable? if i can't love others the way they expect me to, then how the hell am i supposed to love Myself?How can i believe im worth more than this life of whining and self-flagellation?

I feel like my time is running out exponentially. soon im going to hit a dead end. maybe i already have. all these roadbumps and im driving blind. no, im in the backseat of a moving car with no driver. everyone knows how to drive. Everyones getting their permit. everyones doing somethjng. What am i doing? Crying again? because im too afraid to touch the wheel? I want to die. i want to die. i want to get out of the car and fall into a ditch and call it a day.

i dont know whats left for me. everyones tired of me. i dont care what anyone has to say when my words mean nothing to them anyways. I dont want to burden my mom with debt because im such a useless person. I cant do shit in school, i cant do shit at home, i cant do shit at work. And when i try to do anything i used to love, its as though i lost everything in me that knew how to do it. i really, really want to stop existing. Please god please just give me a sign that i feel this way because im helping someone else be happy. if im to be alone in this world, at least affirm that its for a reason, that im sad for the sake of anothers happiness. Please, just give me that comfort.

Is this really just withdrawl if all this i feel and think anyway? I don't know. but i was wrong to believe things would be different now that im home. I feel so disgusting, so empty all the time, and i can only distract myself momentarily before it all comes back. i don't even know what to do with myself anymore. i just do nothing. nothing at all but rot on my phone to escape my own mind.

everyday suicide seems so attractive to me. i know, definitively, i won't do and and don't have the guts to, but often i think of how much i would like to die, what way i would do it, etc. It would be clean, like i simply fell asleep. I wouldnt want my mom to be the one to find me. I couldnt do that to her. I wish i could die in her arms. I wish i could cry in her arms right now but shes had a tough time at work, like she always does. im a spoiled child for not helping her out today. Tomorrow i ought to. i dont have much use if im not helping others, if im not being proactive. i love my mom so much. once she dies, i dont know whats stopping me from killing myself. i want her to do happy, knowing ive accomplished myself, knowing ive given back to her at least half the generousity shes giving me all these years. i couldnt repay her even if i gave her everything her heart desired. i just hope she dies happy, knowing i love her and made her proud, and that im so proud of her being the greatest person i know. then ill be able to die happy knowing shes comforted by her version of the truth. She doesnt need to know anything of what i actually am or feel.

im sorry mother, im sorry if one day i die before you and youre reading this and youre heartbroken that this is what i truly thought and felt this whole time. im sorry i didnt have the guts to tell you how much i felt. i tried, you know i tried telling you. i just didnt want to worry you too much. I want you to believe i was happy, that im content with what i have, that im a good student. Im sorry i didnt try hard wnough, or do enough to make you actually proud of me. im sorry im selfish. i really wish i was kinder like you are, even when it gets you into some trouble sometimes. youre one of the greatest people on earth. The kindest most giving soul. I hope when we both pass on, ill be able to see the brightness of your soul before they take me down to a darker place. Youve done more for me than i could ask for

Tomorrow ill wake up, ill go to work, and i will feel okay for a little short while again. Maybe ill go to the arcade. maybe ill be okay after all

I dont think anything i say means anything to anyone. they all tell me it does, that i have real impact, but nothing seems to change at all. I really do want to die. Maybe in these moments, When my heart aches so badly it feels crushed, a small part of my life gets crushed with it, reducing my life sentence. They say death by heartache is possible, that grief of a past loved one can kill a person alone. Can I grieve living enough that I begin to die? I dont know what im saying anymore. It really doesnt matter to anyone, least of all myself. Nothing is going to change the feeling in my chest except drugs or death or the wholy unattainable goodness of the world.

I just want to stop hurting for no reason. No, i think more than that i want everyone around me to stop hurting. When my loved ones are happy, I feel more content. I wish i could do more, I wish i was enough to make the world happier, I wish that maybe if i keep playing happy that it will help others be happy by contagion, but oh, i dont know. Its all childish thinking again. I dont know how to grow up. Whats the mature stance here? I cant help those who dont want to be saved? But dont i have an obligation?

Id trade my happiness for someone else to be happier. There are so many around me far more deserving of it. I just wish, God, if you're really listening, and I know you've listened to these self-safrificing prayers before, Please just give me just a bit more suffering so that everyone around me is happier. Why cant i take the pain of others? I already am an emotional sponge. Im sad when others are sad. im mad when others are mad. Im not my own person at all. I mimick all my behaviors from others because i try to do what i think is human. Please, God, let me take the place of all others. What was it she said? she would rather be the bullied child in place of those who would be hurt if she hadn't taken the role. So please, God, if everyone is to suffer, just put it on my plate. Ill be your greatest martyr, and maybe, if it's in your will, I will free the world of sin and suffering by dying.

I dont want others to hurt if I can help it. but I dont like being overbearing at all. i feel as though i walk to world on eggshells because im so afraid that i overstep my place, that when i speak I spit on others. I know what its like to be on the other end, so i try my best to aid others in a passive way. All i do is be passive. Its how i live and it's how i'll die. Im so tired of feeling like im not good enough for anything, especially when i know that no matter how hard i try, i wont be good at all, so why try in the first place? God, why am i so imperfect, why am i so damaged? theres only one answer and that is myself. I alone have the power to eradicate the damage ive done to others. The easy way out is attractive, but even that im not good enough for. I just have to claw my way out of my mess, even if it means ending up alone again.

I depend so much on others for my sense of security, for my happiness. In uni, i was deluded that all i needed was minimal social contact, and i was satisfied, even if barely. Yet now im home and i feel so alone. i wish i could hang out with my friends every other day, talk with them, be around them, but i cant rid myself of feeling so dirty all the fucking time. theyre tired of how much i hate myself. im sorry, im trying my best to keep it in, to be happy for the rest of you. Im sorry i dont have the guts to kill myself yet. I dont have any motivation in me to do anything worthwhile. Not even suicide.

God, please, please just save me from myself. please. I dont want to suffer for nothing. At least give me a sign im suffering the pain of others. please, if im to continue suffering, at least let it reduce the suffering others take on. I can bear it just a little longer if it means i get to help those i love. Please, please just listen to me. it hurts so bad, doing this every night, praying everything will be alright. i was good holding it in all day. Please, please, please please. Just listen and hear me, please, see me and know that i speak from my chest, honestly and with open palms. Its all i ask god. Please

yet once i want to sleep, to stop existing and to fade into idyllic fantasy, I can't turn my brain off. god just kill me if im going to spend another five hours awake pretending im not real. at least give me the comfort of being a braindead retard

even when it feels like im in constant peril, I still have faith that I can claw my way alive, even if just barely. I don't like being an emotional sponge. The smallest things crash into hours of anxiety and fear. I don't like not being in control of my emotional state. I dislike how much moves me, how much the wrong things are capable of influencing me, but all the things I should be caring about don't faze me at all. I hate it I hate it all! But in the end, I try to have faith in god's plan. I try to have faith that things will all be alright. I try to have faith in my potential. This is what matters most, right?

This disbelieving part of me wants to doubt it all; 'No! You're deluding yourself! This is pure cope!' But why should I ruin these positive thoughts for myself? They come by scarcely. I should welcome them more often. Cultivate them.

Please, God, I don't know how many chances I have left before it really is over. Before my time is finally up. Before a dark part of myself gives up for the final time. I don't want to think of that part of me right now, I don't want to give it any strength. But I'm so tired, God. Often, in the middle of the day, when I'm doing decent work helping others out and doing my duties, I get this urge to stop existing all together. To go to sleep, because I'd rather stop existing than live or die. To sleep. To just not be, at all. And the feeling is very scary. It makes me feel like that's what I'm meant to be. Nothing at all.

Don't give power to these parts of yourself. Have strength. You've endured a lot of self-flagellation. You can endure some more.

if nothing else, i want to be happy, laughing with friends, eating good food. i want to be content with myself and with others. ive recently read something i hope to be life changing in impact. i need it to be true. i need to have faith that hope exists for me, no matter what fate says for me. i need to believe in the power of hope and intention. i truly think good things will come to those who seek it. my biggest sin has always been sloth. i hope that i learn to act more often. i think there really is a chance for me. god, let it be true. i dont know how many more winters i can endure like this. this winter will be the toughest yet. it decides whether or not im suspended from university. please, dear god, give me strength to make it through next semester. its not all i will ask you for, because frankly, id rather come back more than just alive and achieved, but also happy and content, but i dont know how content i can be in my lonesome. from afar, my issues seem so small. so innocently ignorant. i havent suffered enough to justify the amount of pain i believe i endure. but nonetheless ive cried every night, alone, praying to god that he'd have mercy on me and kill me because im not brave enough to do it myself. Is it that serious? or can i accept that my emotions are valid, or that most of all, my suffering is valid and warrants this sort of reaction? i dont believe i have endured anything so traumatizing for me to attribute a single event to the source of my behavior, wrongdoings, etc.

tangents dont do much do they. i have hope. i understand. i see things a little more clearly. i can be changed. I just need new perspective

recently ive been childish and immature to compensate my lack of discipline etc. and it feels disgusting. I hate what ive become, a retarded brainless thing. my cognitive function is impaired. its just really gross, being treated like a child and acting like one. nothing about me is generally taken seriously so i dont expect much from others. i dont even expect much from myself. i need to grow up, and fast, before life moves on without me

In a life where im constantly proving my sufferingvto others, the one person I have the most trouble with is my mother. I want to prove to her so badly that it is that serious, that I need help, desperately, but I could never let her know in fear of hurting her. I could hardly imagine what kind of pain a mother would bear, hearing their child has wanted to die every day for who knows how long. I can't let her bear my pain for me. But even then, professional help is so out of reach. She says shes willing to pay out of pocket but I know what those medical bills were like the first time. I know if I told the doctors the truth, which I should be, they would just take me away, and likely to an adult facility at that where I'd probably get raped and abused. I don't belong there, and maybe it really isn't that bad at all, but I need help, some kind, but every time I seek it I'm told this is who I'll be forever. It's not in our income bracket. I have no job. I know I wont attempt, hopefully not at least, but no one will know its this serious until I actually go on with it. I really dont want it to be that way at all. Instead, I will live a long life, without having done anything worth while.

She tells me I could be doing better things than hanging out with friends, since im "only ever depressed at home". Do you not understand why that is??? Mothers know everything, they say. How can you not know? I guess its my fault for not telling you, but I'm sure ive already told you a hundred times before.

It hurts that I still feel everything as violently as I did when I was away from home. I'm consumed in fear. I'm convinced that if I do XYZ, I would manage to become and actual adult, an actual person. But I still feel like an incompetant child. I'm wasting my time trying to be dumb and ignorant and happy with what I have that I'm not even aching to become more than whatever This is. I still can't stand myself, I'm constantly trying to get away from it all. I don't want to feel this way at all. Are the seizures worth it? I'm scared I'll die in my sleep without time to scrub traces of my existence away. Before I die, I want my mother to rest and grieve without knowing my mind. She doesn't deserve to know. There's so much fear within me, God. Are you still listening? I try to pray, I try to understand. Can you lead me to the path of productivity? Rid me of my inactivity? It's not a matter of if you're capable; are you going to do it? Am *I* going to do it?

I want to be my own person. I am not my thoughts, nor my suffering. I don't deserve to feel so terrible about my life when I haven't suffered enough to justify it. But how much more will I have to suffer until God answers? Always, all these questions. I'm filled with them. Please, God, help me understand. Help me Become. Help me Do.

i feel far away from everyone even when i dont want to be

i can not see myself so i must ask others to guide me? is that what it is? my self image so distorted i dont know what parts are truthful and what is all lies. what is born from negative influence and what seeds help prosper a healthy bed. my mouth tastes of blood and i wonder how much help im supposed to ask others for, and how much i meant to bear. i fear that my growth has stunted but my fears shouldnt be worth lingering on. i just need to keep my eyes on the road ahead. i cant afford any other option. all other roads lead to my death so deat god help guide me down this one

theres beauty in Goodness and Goodness in beauty. i know this is where the heart should lie. i want to be beautiful, i want to be good, and most of all i want to see the beauty of God and His creation around me. these are the days that must happen to you.

theres a beauty within me that i have long neglected. i see glimpses of its form. maybe its kindness, maybe its my guidance, or maybe neither and its something else entirely. i can only trust when others say that whatever it is, it is beauty, and that i should be or act more beautifully

It hurts so much everything

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