Devotional Sex @devotionalsex - Tumblr Blog

Talking about DevS with others - why most talk is face-to-face

How do men and women talk to others about Devotional Sex? Thinking about this I've realised that there is a significant difference. And this explains why so few women post online, why most talk is face-to-face and not online, and how the practice of DevS is spreading without me knowing.

By talking about DevS I mean talking with someone who isn't your partner. Talking includes both real-life and online. For online it means posting (not just reading).

For someone practicing DevS you can only talk with someone if the Knight is ok with this and the Princess decides it can happen. But those who don't (yet) practice Devotional Sex can talk about it with others as they wish.

DevS is basically enhanced vanilla / normal sex. DevS leads to her reaching her orgasmic potential, better sex (what happens before orgasm), and for many the biggest benefit is increased intimacy and connection and thus a better relationship. So this is like telling someone about Tantric Sex (which most don't want to do, but most can see the benefits for those who do it). This is very different from telling someone about BDSM, FLR or Chastity where many won't understand why you like this. That DevS is much easier to talk about explains why 27% of those living DevS have told someone about this, and another 46% say they have not yet told someone but might one day.

Surprisingly it's only 26% of couples living DevS who say that never tell anyone else about it.

MEN:

What I don't recall any mention of is a man talking about DevS with another man in real-life. The big exception is when he is a Knight and his Princess has asked him to talk to another man, and this is most likely when she is also present.

There are a few examples of a man telling a female friend about DevS. One recent case is a man who is interested in DevS but not yet practicing it, and who told two female friends who had just started relationships. They were both not only very interested but started practicing DevS with their partner!

Men go online to read about sex and he is much more likely to post about it than to tell others in real-life.

WOMEN:

Women are much less likely to post online. Very few women have joined my forum, and almost all of the comments posted on my Reddit and Tumblr are from women.

But many women do like to talk about DevS with their female friends. Once told many female friends are very interested and often ask how things are going. For those living DevS who have told friends, one third have had one or more friends try DevS for themselves. One Princess from the USA wrote (in a comment to a survey) that she had told four couples and "at first there was expressions of awe and slight disapproval." She must have explained it well as she then adds that "three of the four couples are now enjoying this new life style".

When two (or more) couples are both practicing DevS it is common for them to share notes. The Princess above also wrote "The Princess's share successes when we have lunch."

I've also had comments left by some men who filled out my surveys along the lines of 'when she has a girlfriend over they often talk about DevS and it feels very strange to hear them talking about when I get to ejaculate, etc'.

One of the few women who posted in the forum over a period of few years shared her adventures of being a Devotional Hotwife (she can have sex with others and he enjoys being aroused by this). She introduced two other couples to DevS, and they would often get together. As well as enjoying Affirmation as a group (the men naked, the women dressed), they also did some Knight swapping (where each borrows the others Knight for an evening). A big part of this was the Princess's sharing notes afterwards.

So where is all the female to female advice on practicing DevS? It's not online. Unfortunately this makes it harder for couples who want to take up DevS having discovered it online.

But it is wonderful that it is being talked about between women in real-life, and that many couples are starting to practice DevS not from discovering it on the internet but from hearing about it from friends.

As always I welcome any comments or questions.

#devotional sex #intimacy

What do I mean by "Devotion"?

I discovered what I now call Devotional Sex in 1999. By late 2003 I knew that what I was doing was different from other techniques, and that it worked really well both in a relationship and with dating. I had chosen to use 'Princess' to describe her role, and 'Knight' to describe his role. What I didn't have was a name for this new technique.

On October 18, 2003, during a long beach walk, I was pondering possible names. When I thought of Devotional Sex I instantly knew that this was perfect.

So what did I mean by 'devotion'?

Devotion is having a strong commitment to care about what your partner is thinking and feeling, and wanting them to be very or extremely happy with all that happens. This isn't just about sexual and sensual pleasures but also enhancing intimacy and connection.

Devotional Sex isn't just the Knight being devoted to his Princess. Equally important is that a Princess is devoted to her Knight.

For some, particularly men, sex is about what activities are done and how THEY think and feel about each. With Devotional Sex the Knight focuses on how his Princess thinks and feels.

His Princess can use Wish Words to start an activity and to say when it will end. And she may sometimes give little instructions for how she wants him to do an activity. But the vast majority of him best pleasuring her comes from him being in tune with her thoughts and feelings and him altering what he does for it to be what she wants at each moment.

A big benefit for him of focussing on her is that it becomes much more enjoyable to give her pleasure. So him pleasuring her becomes a mutual pleasure.

Though her first commitment is to 'exploit' her control to enhance HER sensual and sexual pleasures, this is balanced by her second commitment which is to keep him equally happy.

So her devotion to him means that she also pays attention to his thoughts and feelings. Devotional Sex isn't about her dominating him or it being only her pleasure which counts. A big component of her enjoying her role is that she enjoys his desire and eagerness to be her Knight.

A time when the mutual Devotional can feel most powerful is during the Devotional Cuddle after activity ends. This enables him to have high energy and to direct it into feeling strong intimacy and connection. This is a pleasure unique to Devotional Sex.

Ending the activity this way is also special for her as she enjoys his energy and desire for her, and the intimacy of this special cuddle.

As always any questions or comments are very welcome.

#devotional sex #intimacy

Isn’t not ejaculating intensely frustrating for him?

In response to my post of a survey reply showing an example of real-life Devotional Sex, a Reddit reader posted:

I’m curious…in the survey couple you reference they have Joy four times a week but the Knight only orgasms once in three weeks.

I do not have a frame of reference for having sex and NOT climaxing!

Would you talk about that?

And wouldn’t that be intensely frustrating for him?

Thanks for your excellent question.

Yes, a man’s first night of Devotional Sex will feel intensely frustrating. His erection might not go down, and he may have trouble getting to sleep. If this were to continue no man would want to be her Knight. Fortunately part of the magic of DevS is that as he continues to practice DevS the frustration reduces until eventually there is no frustration but just intense intimacy and connection.

As his frustration becomes less he also starts to appreciate all the benefits to both him and her of DevS. So well before all frustration ends, he reaches a point where the benefits of DevS outweigh the costs.

The frame of reference which led me to discovering DevS was the ancient Eastern practices of Tao and Tantra. With these techniques the man commits to far fewer ejaculations. He learns to fully calm his sexual energy so there is no frustration and he isn’t wanting sexual activity all the time. He is still aroused when sex ends, but he feels that he has had enough.

DevS goes half way. A Knight learns to manage his energy to eliminate all or most frustration, but he deliberately keeps his erotic energy high enough to become aroused every morning and bedtime. As he now desires sexual activity every wakeup, bedtime, and inbetween, he gives her control over when sex will happen.

Just as with Tao and Tantra, a Knight is a man who has committed to have far fewer ejaculations because of all the benefits which arise to him and his partner. So DevS isn’t about her denying him - for her it just becomes normal that he doesn’t ejaculate most times sexual activity ends.

Given that with DevS a Knight has much more erotic energy when sexual activity ends than a man who practices an Eastern technique, a key part of DevS is the couple having a Devotional Cuddle afterwards. This is when his still high erotic energy is focused into feeling intimacy and connection (rather than frustration).

I discovered DevS way back in 1999 when I started to teach myself the Taoist technique of having an orgasm without ejaculating. I was going to bed each night having done some sexual exercises but not having ejaculated. The first few nights my partner responded to my sexual energy with us having sex. But then one night she didn’t want any activity and so was annoyed with my energy. She got cross and said that she wished I would give up on the multi-orgasmic man stuff so she could go to sleep.

I replied “How about I keep going, but you decide when we do or don’t have sex?”

She said “Good”, then rolled over and went to sleep.

We had just agreed on most of the commitments which define DevS!

I would have far fewer ejaculations, I give her control over what sex happens, and I have to manage my own sexual energy. And she always accepts my erotic energy, and she uses that to enhance her sexual and sensual life. This is not deciding what activity happens, but, as on that first night, deciding when nothing happens.

In your question you focused on the Knight’s frustration after having Joy (intercourse) without any ejaculation. Most of sessions of activity of the couple in the survey result didn’t include Joy, so of course a new Knight would feel frustrated at the end of that activity as well.

But for a well established couple who have had years (or decades) of sex being foreplay, intercourse, and then his ejaculation, a Knight will feel that the control he has given her is very real when he is having Joy and she says “Fini” and he has to pull out without ejaculation.

When in the past a woman has felt that intercourse was mainly about him getting off, it can feel very liberating and empowering for her to be able to enjoy Joy the way she wishes (usually much slower than before), for as short or long a time as she wishes, and then to end it and feel his desire for her in her hand as she gives him a Devotional Cuddle.

Another time when her control feels very real to both is having a session of just a long Pleasure Kiss, her orgasm, and then ending with a Devotional Cuddle. Here she may feel special and powerful as she has had an orgams and he has not. But she also feels how much he enjoyed pleasuring her as she holds his hardness, and she feels that he has enjoyed the session as much as she did.

Believe it or not, this is the short version of a reply as I could easily write much more.

I welcome any further questions or comments.

#devotional sex

What would a female do with an eager 'sex slave'?

Imagine if there was a pill that your partner would willingly take which for a week turns them into your eager and happy 'sex slave'. For this week they will always feel slightly aroused, and as soon as there is the possibility of activity they will quickly become very aroused. This pill also makes them eager to do whatever you wish. It also prevents them from having an orgasm until the last night of the week. They retain enough body sense to be able to say no to anything which would be damaging, but otherwise they are eager to please you. If you are single then imagine having a friend be willing to do this with you.

This post considers what a female is likely to have happen. If you are female, what would you do? If you are male, what do you think your partner would do? And for all, what do you think other women would do?

The previous post, https://www.tumblr.com/devotionalsex/747330415866642432/what-would-a-male-do-with-an-eager-sex-slave?source=share

asked what a male would do if his partner willingly took the 'sex slave' pill. Unfortunately, two days after posting this I've not received any replies. So for now the only thing I have to go on is my guess. It's never too late to have your say on what you would do and what you think most men would do.

So what would most women do if their partner willingly took this pill?

Rather than having to guess as I had to for men, I'm the one person in the world who doesn't need to guess. This is because I have data from over a hundred women who have had the opportunity to explore a very similar dynamic. No prizes for guessing that the very similar dynamic is Devotional Sex.

With Devotional Sex the man agrees to not ejaculate for a week (or longer). This quickly builds his erotic energy so that he always feels slightly aroused, and if there is the possibility of activity he quickly gets hard. To be her Knight he also agrees to fulfill all her sexual (and sensual) wishes. And with his built up erotic energy he becomes keen to do most activities. This is very close to what the imaginary pill would do if a man were to take it.

There is one big difference between the pill and Devotional Sex, and that will be a key part of the third and final post in the series. But for now the answers to my many surveys about what couples do when practicing Devotional Sex enables me to say what is likely to happen if a women had a partner who willingly took the 'sex slave' pill.

The first key finding is that what happens has huge variation. For every activity which most women enjoy lots of, there are some women who decide to not do this at all or not do it very often. And for every activity that most women don't have happen or do so not very often, there are some women who enjoy that activity often.

But though there is huge variation, the data shows that there is a clear overall picture.

Because she can start and stop an activity whenever she wishes, and what happens during a session is up to her, a major change from what used to happen when the couple had sex is that now there are lots more sessions of sexual activity each week. For some this might be going from once a week or less up to three or four times a week. For others it can go up to having ten or more sessions each week.

The length of the sessions will vary significantly, with some sessions maybe only ten minutes or so, and the longest session of the week can even last for over an hour.

For most couples having sex is almost always foreplay followed by intercourse, with intercourse being the activity which they spend the most time doing. When her partner has taken the 'sex slave' pill (or they are doing Devotional Sex), most sessions of activity don't include intercourse. And about 20% of women (across all ages) decide that intercourse won't happen at all. So most sessions turn a foreplay activity into the main event.

Having a man who is always eager to please her in the way she wishes enables her to reach her orgasmic potential. So most women enjoy more or many more orgasms than before, with some having seven or more each week.

The activity which most women decide to enjoy the most is receiving oral sex. This can be one activity amongst many in a long session. Many women also love to enjoy some sessions where her receiving oral sex and having an orgasm is the only activity. With an eager man her receiving oral lasts for as long as she wishes, so she can enjoy some quick kisses, have most kisses last 20 minutes or so, and even enjoy some much longer kisses.

How much she has him use his hand to pleasure her is up to her. Some women enjoy lots of this, and others think that as they can have him use his mouth whenever they wish, why have him use his hand?

Most women decide that they won't give him any oral sex, or if they do it will be just short treats. A few enjoy being able to have him in their mouths whenever they wish.

Every activity is now done the way she wishes. She can still have things fairly or very active when she wishes, but overall things become slower, more sensual, and last for much longer. So the sexual activity moves away from the active (visually appealing to anyone watching) style of porn, to something slower and more connected (and visually boring to most porn viewers).

I've only talked about conventional vanilla sexual practices because I've not heard from any women who have used their control to move into activities which appear in porn far more than real-life (eg anal sex, him ejaculating on her face, choking, rougher sex, etc). But there is one new thing which does become common ...

As he is always eager for activity, many women enjoy spending some time together where she is dressed and she has him be naked. Given his erotic energy, this will include times of him being fully erect. This is done without her dominating him or humiliating him - it's not kinky but a celebration of their dynamic and of his desire for her. I've never been able to find a video on a porn site which captures this non-kinky dynamic. (This is called Affirmation within Devotional Sex.)

If it's the woman who takes the 'sex slave' pill, then I think it is fairly easy for a man to jump into exploring the new world which her having taken the pill enables. Some women can also quickly move into exploring the new world which arises when their partner is the one who becomes the eager sex slave.

But the standard ways of having sex can be so established in some women's minds that it can take time for her to adjust to the new possibilities and to be able to relax and enjoy pleasures which are new to her.

It would be great if some female readers reply with how they would enjoy having a man for a week who has taken the pill. Do you think that what I've said above is what most women would do? And for male readers, what do you think your partner would like?

#devotional sex

What would a male do with an eager sex 'slave'?

This is part one of a thought experiment.

Imagine if there was a pill that your partner would willingly take which for a week turns them into your eager and happy sex 'slave'. For this week they will always feel slightly aroused, and as soon as there is the possibility of activity they will quickly become very aroused. This pill also makes them eager to do whatever you wish. It also prevents them from having an orgasm until the last night of the week. They retain enough body sense to be able to say no to anything which would be damaging, but otherwise they are eager to please you. If you are single then imagine having a friend be willing to do this with you.

This post considers what a male is likely to have happen. If you are male, what would you do? If you are female, what do you think your partner would do? And for all, what do you think other men would do?

As you might have guessed, a following post will examine what a female would do if they gave the same pill to a willing male.

I'm sure that if lots of males told us what they would do during this week of having an eager sex slave then we would get a wide range of answers. I suspect that these would fall into different groupings. And some of these groupings would have lots of men, and some groups very few.

I wish I knew a magic word that I could put here which resulted in an urge in the reader to have their say, and so I then get lots of responses. Unfortunately I don't know such a word yet, and so even though hundreds will read this post, I'll be lucky to get a few replies.

It would be great to hear what you (or you think your partner) would do. But if writing this is too personal, please feel free to respond with "I think most men would ...".

As I may be the only one willing to give an opinion, here are my first thoughts of what would happen if a typical male had a partner/friend who was willing to take this pill ....

Perhaps the cliche activity for when the pill first takes effect is for him to sit down, have her stand in front of him, tell her to undress, then have her kneel in front of him and give him a blow job.

I think there would be a splitting into groups. One group are those men who recognise that they have a whole week in which to explore, and that part of this will have to be managing their own energy ie if they ejaculate too quickly or too often they won't have the energy to enjoy the whole week. The other group will be those who don't think of the long term and immediately jump into enjoying their eager sex slave.

What he has happen will be a mixing of three categories:

1 - Activities which you normally do, but now happening as often as he wants and lasting as long as he wants.

2 - Activities which only happen sometimes or for just short amounts of time. So, for example, if he usually doesn't get oral sex, or when it happens it's quick, now he can enjoy it as much as he wishes.

3 - Fantasies which he has never done with his partner or only tried a few times (and she wasn't into it).

My guess is that most men will think most about the possibilities of doing new fantasies, then about getting much more of things that don't happen often, and not think that much about doing their usual activities other than it can now happen more often.

For the activities which he usually and sometimes does the pill now makes her eager to do this in the way he wishes. So a big change might be how things are done.

So how are things likely to change and what is most likely to be the source of his fantasies?

For the majority of men I think they will be wanting to do things they way they see in porn, and their fantasies will be to be able to do things that they have seen in porn but never had their partner keen to do before.

In another forum a man wrote "I'm only allowed to make love with my wife. I'm not allowed to have real sex."

So for most men I think the pill will enable them to experience and enjoy what many/most men think of as 'real sex'.

The extent to which the men inspired by porn go will vary significantly - some will only want to go a little in this direction, and maybe only a few will want to go all the way to very rough sex / extreme sex. I also suspect that what happens will vary between young and old, but I think the porn inspiration will apply across all ages for most.

I would love to hear from some men who would use the pill to explore more porn style sex to know what they would do.

BUT not all men will want to head of in the standard porn direction. It would also be wonderful to hear from any men who would have a very different week from that inspired by porn.

As I said earlier I would love to know what you think most men would do. Do you agree with me that most men would be inspired by porn? If not, what do you think most would do?

In a few days I'll create a post for discussing what women are likely to do if they have a partner who willingly takes this pill. But first I hope for some feedback on likely male behaviour.

#devotional sex

What can 'much more sexual activity' look like?

One of the big benefits of Devotional Sex is that it leads to much more sexual activity.

For her this is wonderful because what happens is what she wishes to happen. She can reach her orgasmic potential whilst also enjoying much better sex (ie what happens before an orgasm) and increased intimacy and connection with her partner.

Some men will wonder why any man would choose to have far fewer ejaculations, and willing give her control over what sexual activity happens and when. Where is the benefit for him? A Knight also enjoys the increased intimacy and connection, but another huge benefit for any man who enjoys sexual activity is the big increase in the amount of activity.

My What Happens in Bed when Living Devotional Sex survey tells me what 'much more sexual activity' is for those who respond. I don't get many survey responses these days (as DevS is very hard to publicise), so it is special when I do get a response. This is what I received yesterday.

The survey asks what the couples does during the seven wakeups and seven bedtimes of an average DevS week. One option is nothing, another is just a cuddle, and then there are a range of sexual options to choose from.

Before reading on, think of how you would answer such a survey for your average week?

The latest response is from a couple where he is between 38 to 47. In their average DevS week they have:

4 sessions which includes Joy (intercourse) and maybe has lots of other activities as well. (None of their other sessions include Joy.) 3 sessions of mainly a Pleasure Kiss (him giving her oral sex) 3 sessions of mainly Pleasure Play (he uses his hand on her sex) 2 sessions of mainly her having him play with himself 1 session of her actively playing with his Desire (she plays with him), and 1 session of just a Devotional Cuddle (a cuddle where she holds his erection).

In an average week of DevS she orgasms about 8 to 9 times a week. As her Knight he only ejaculates about every 21 days or longer.

This couple is more active than most couples who practice DevS. But for a couple who are more active than most, their response isn't unusual, other than that they have a session which include Joy a bit more often than most.

As with almost all DevS couples, most sessions of activity don't include Joy. And it's possible that with those sessions which do include Joy that Joy was only a small part of the total activity of that session. So the majority of activity could have been Pleasure Kissing or Pleasure Play.

I don't know any more about this couple than what is said above. But from other surveys I know that this couple may have been living DevS for many years. And from other surveys I know that both she and him are very likely to either be very or extremely happy with practicing DevS. So this is wonderful for him as well as for her.

Is there any other sexual technique where this amount of sexual activity is typical for the 20% or so most activity couples?

I welcome any comments or questions.

#devotional sex

A very powerful bond which is an important part of your relationship

Your sexlife is part of your relationship. But what is its importance to your overall relationship?

Does your sexlife form an powerful bond between you both, or is it just sex, or is it something you would rather not do? Amazingly with Devotional Sex most couples who live this way feel that this not only has practicing DevS formed a powerful bond between them but that it has become an important part of their relationship as well.

During a Season of Devotional Sex both know that the Knight will not ejaculate until his Princess decides. When Living Devotional Sex the Knight will NEVER ejaculate without her say. As he has committed to have far fewer ejaculations than before, each Season will last many days (depending on age and experience it could be 5 days all the way up to 21).

In my orgasm survey I asked how the Princess and the Knight felt about this. Was it: a part of Devotional Sex but they didn't think about this very much, a powerful sexual bond (but it doesn't add depth to the relationship), a very powerful bond between them that is now an important part of their relationship.

Most of those who are living DevS and answered this survey have been living DevS for over a year, with some for many years, so the result wouldn't be mainly the thrill of the new but how DevS effected couples in the long term.

It's worth noting that when I add a question to a survey I never know what the result will be. Perhaps for most DevS is just something sexual and either not thought about much or something which creates a sexual bond but no more.

The results amazed me: 94% of the Knights who live DevS said it formed a very powerful bond between them which is now an important part of their relationship. 86% of the Princesses felt the same.

84% of couples had them BOTH feeling this way.

So DevS is much more than just better sex which happens more often. It's much more than just her having many more orgasms. And it's much more than just him enjoying this sexual dynamic. It becomes part of who you are as a couple, and adds depth to your whole relationship.

As always I welcome any comments or questions.

#devotional sex #sex #relationship

Before and After starting Devotional Sex:

My before and after survey asks those who practice Devotional Sex about what happened before they started it and what happens now.

This is my 72nd reply - a response from a couple in the USA, him 38-47.

Before they did Devotional Sex they had 2 sessions of sex a week, the longest lasting 20 to 30 minutes. This always included intercourse, and the intercourse was moderately active.

The activity they spent the most time doing was intercourse, followed by him giving her oral sex, him using his hand on her, her giving him oral, and their least common activity was her playing with him.

She had less than one orgasm a week.

As well as his two ejaculations with her each week he would do it solo about 2 times a week. So that’s 4 ejaculations each week.

When they didn’t have sex they would usually cuddle in bed.

AFTER:

For between 1 and 2 years they have usually practiced Devotional Sex (ie most of the time they do it but sometimes they take a break and go back to 'normal').

When doing Devotional Sex they usually have 4 sessions a week, the longest now lasting 45 to 60 minutes. When they have intercourse it’s now moderately slow and sensual. But only 1 in 4 sessions includes intercourse.

The activity they now spend the most time doing is him giving her oral sex, followed by him playing with her, her playing with his erection, then intercourse, and least of all her giving him oral sex.

She now has 6 orgasms a week!

And as her Knight he now only ejaculates about once every 11 to 12 days.

When sex ends without him ejaculating he channels his energy into intense intimacy and connection. With his high erotic energy from not ejaculating often he usually gets erect in bed, and when his Princess decides that no sexual activity will happen then about half the time she will give him a Devotional Cuddle (ie she holds his erection as they cuddle).

He is now erect with his Princess for about 7 to 8 hours a week, and most of this time is sexual activity, followed by Devotional Cuddles.

He also gets hard for between 1 to 2 hours a week when alone, and about half of this time he plays with himself (but of course never ejaculating at the end).

His Princess is firmly in control but not dominant.

They enjoy Affirmation (spending time together outside the bedroom with him naked while she is dressed) about 3 times a week.

About 4 times a week he gets an erection due to her phoning or messaging him.

So clearly Devotional Sex has made a huge difference to their lives!

If you practice Devotional Sex and have not already done my Before and After Survey, it would be wonderful if you did.

You can do this survey HERE at PollMill.

I welcome any comments or questions. Some feedback will encourage me to keep posting.

What happens after her orgasm with Devotional Sex?

With good normal sex there is the idea of 'she comes first' which is when the couple first focus on her orgasm, and then after her orgasm sexual activity continues and he ejaculates (most often with intercourse).

With DevS he usually doesn't ejaculate, and so I wondered what happens with DevS once she has had an orgasm.

One of the great things of my surveys is that I can ask lots of multiple choice questions, and my Orgasms Survey asks what happens after she has an orgasm. So I could look up the results.

29% of couples said that with them, once she has had an orgasm, sexual activity usually continues, and 71% said that sexual activity usually ends (and most then have a Devotional Cuddle).

So the climax / end of a session of DevS is usually HER climax.

Her orgasm thus becomes a bigger event for him, and about 60% of men living DevS now enjoy giving her an orgasm much more than before, and another 20% a bit more than before.

About 70% of women who live DevS most often orgasm from receiving oral sex. So it's very common with DevS for a session to end with a Pleasure Kiss, her orgasm, then a Devotional Cuddle (a cuddle with her holding his erection). Sometimes there will be lots of other activities before the Pleasure Kiss, and sometimes the Pleasure Kiss will be the only activity - it's whatever she feels like.

How does she feel during the Devotional Cuddle after having had an orgasm from a Pleasure Kiss?

30 women answered a question I added to my Oral Sex survey (they could pick all answers which applied):

16 said they felt special or powerful because she has had an orgasm but he has not had one, 14 said they were happy that even though he hasn't ejaculated he has enjoyed pleasuring her and the Devotional Cuddle so much that he has enjoyed the session as much as her, 14 said they were happy holding his erection as this enhances the intimacy and connection of the after sex cuddle, 13 were happy holding his erection because she can feel how much he wants further activity and to ejaculate yet he is going without to please his Princess 8 felt happy holding his erection as this proves how much he enjoyed pleasuring her, and 6 felt happy holding his erection because it celebrates the powerful bond between them due to him only ever ejaculating when with her and when she decides.

I have lots more data to share which show both the huge variation in what can happen, and what most couples actually do.

I very much welcome any questions or comments. (Some feedback inspires me to keep posting.)

#devotional sex #her orgasm

Feelings define what is being done

When I post about Devotional Sex it's not uncommon for some people to respond that activities which happen in DevS are just the same as what is already common.

Due, I think to porn, many now define an act by what they SEE and how they want to think about it.

Confused? Well lets looks at a vanilla example:

Imagine you are walking down the street at night and you notice that you can see into a bedroom as the blinds are not closed and the light is on. You see a man on top of a woman having intercourse. It's fairly activity sex. Not wanting to be accused of being of being a voyeur, you walk on.

What did you see?

Perhaps these are lovers/partners, and he has been away for a while. When he got back they wanted each other so much that they forgot that the bed could be clearly seen from the road and they needed to shut the blinds. What you saw could have been passionate, loving, rebonding sex. How lovely!

BUT, perhaps this was an ex or a stranger, and she didn't want sex with him, but he had dragged her to the bedroom and what you saw was rape.

What you SAW through the window could be either. What defines which it was is how she (and he) were FEELING about this.

With Devotional Sex the woman has control over what happens, and most of the time when she ends activity it ends without him ejaculating.

Some people think that this means that what is happening must be kinky - it's about her dominance, his submission, and her denying him release.

Another activity enjoyed by most who practice DevS is spending some time together where she is dressed but she has him be naked, and he is aroused for most or at least some of the time. Within DevS I call this Affirmation.

Some think that this must be CFNM which is again about dominance and submission and having him feel humiliated by his nudity.

Looking at what happens and thinking BDSM means that there is nothing original about DevS - it's just fancy new terminology for well know BDSM practices.

It's when her and his FEELINGS about what is happening are considered that it becomes clear that though things look the same they are very different experiences.

A man only becomes a Knight if he decides that both he and her will have a much better sex and intimate life with Devotional Sex. Part of being a Knight is agreeing to have far fewer ejaculations. This increases his energy so that he desires sexual activity every morning and night (and other times when possible). So the next component of DevS is that he gives her control over when sex happens. Part of the magic of DevS is that when she also has control over what happens then the mix of activities changes significantly and lots more sessions happen. He benefits from all this extra activity.

So her having control of what happens isn't about domination and submission. A Princess never needs to act nor feel dominant. And he is happy to give her control because this means sexual activity happens much more often and he also enjoys that she enjoys sex much more.

If a Knight usually goes for say 10 days before Release, then up until day 8 his Princess won't even be thinking of the possibility of having him release. And he won't be thinking that release might happen either. So when she ends sexual activity without him ejaculating he doesn't feel that she is denying him - she is just practicing normal DevS which is what he wants to have happen.

With denial she will often ignore him once activity ends. But with DevS what both enjoy is his energy powering the intimacy and connection of the post-activity Devotional Cuddle. And if his energy is very high, he may enjoy Exaltation at the start of this cuddle.

A Knight is always keen to do something with his energy. Affirmation enables both to celebrate their Devotional Dynamic and he feels his energy is used. As with all DevS she decides when Affirmation starts and stops as she will only enjoy his nudity and arousal when this is what she wants.

Years ago someone insisted that naked male, clothed female can only be about male humiliation. So I added a question to my Affirmation Survey. What I found is that the vast majority of Knights, though they felt hers during Affirmation, also felt PROUD to be her Knight. Feeling pride is the opposite of feeling humiliated.

Couples who practice DevS can add a little kink if they wish. But pure DevS doesn't include any domination, submission, denial or humiliation. So DevS FEELS very different from the kink world, and that makes it a different technique.

This is yet another quickly written post to get my thoughts down. So I may edit it later.

I welcome questions, comments, and any discussion.

#devotional sex #sex

Is 'Exaltation' unique to Devotional Sex?

Exaltation is when a man directs his high erotic energy when sex ends without him Climaxing into an emotional orgasm of intimacy and connection.

Of course if this is experienced outside of DevS it won't be called Exaltation as that's the name I've given it. So my question is whether or not this experience happens outside of DevS.

Another topic asks if the Devotional Cuddle is unique to DevS. A Devotional Cuddle is a cuddle during which she holds his erection. Most sessions of DevS end without him ejaculating, so with DevS it is usual to enjoy a Devotional Cuddle once the sexual activity ends.

During this post-activity Devotional Cuddle over half of the Knights who are living DevS (ie always practice it) don't feel any frustration, but they do feel intense intimacy and connection. (Most of the rest feel relaxed intimacy and connection.)

When his energy is very high her ending activity and moving to a Devotional Cuddle makes clear to him that activity has ended and he can suddenly strongly feel that though his body wants to ejaculate this isn't going to happen. This emotional energy could be directed to frustration, but with DevS it is moved into surrender to his role and to intense intimacy and connection.

An orgasm is a release of sexual energy. The Knight's acceptance that he won't ejaculate is like an emotional release of this energy. This can be very intense and is like an emotional orgasm. It's a powerful and special feeling, and I felt it deserved the name Exaltation.

Note that a Knight learns to manage his energy, and so often or even usually he may not have this burst of energy and so not have Exaltation and instead go straight to the intense intimacy and connection phase. As they cuddle his energy calms and he moves to relaxed intimacy and connection.

So does Exaltation happen outside of DevS?

With Tao and Tantra the man learns to calm his energy to such an extent that when sex ends he feels he has had enough. It's only because DevS has the man deliberately keep his energy higher than with Toa and Tantra that he can have Exaltation.

Also with Toa and Tantra it's the couple who decide to end sex, and in practice this may often be the male initiating the end. Exaltation requires sex to end when he is very aroused, and to have him feel that realization that he won't ejaculate even though his body really wishes. So her having the control to end sex when she wishes, even when he is really aroused, is another part of what enables Exaltation.

Her having control happens with Female Domination. But as I say in the post about Devotional Cuddles, with FemDom there is a focus on the kink - domination, submission, denial, and this is very different from a focus on intimacy and connection.

Karezza is about the male avoiding very high sexual arousal, and after the longer sessions of Karezza the male will usually feel that he has had enough. With the current form of Karezza, which I call NoFap Karezza, there is a focus on the male being the leader of all sexual activity and so he will usually keep going until HE has had enough. So again Exaltation won't happen.

So does Exaltation happen outside of DevS? In my 30 years of writing about DevS I've not yet come across another technique having something similar. If you know of a case please reply to this post!

#devotional sex #intimacy

What is SEX in the 2020s?

To talk about the benefits of Devotional Sex there needs to be a base from which to compare it.

This topic is for discussing what most now think and feel is usual sex in the 2020's. Of course there is huge variety, and what is 'usual' sex may differ with age and whether you are dating, in a newish relationship, or have been married for decades.

My early sexual experiences were in the late 70's and early 80's. In Australia porn was highly regulated and never showed erections or real sex (think of a 1980 edition of Playboy or Penthouse). So subconsciously I have probably been thinking of these innocent times as my basis of 'usual' sex.

We have now had decades of hard-core porn being available for free on phones and computers. Perhaps most under 40 had viewed porn before they ever had any real-life sex, and so porn acted as their sex education. For those who did have real-life sex before viewing lots of porn, many will have now been watching porn for decades, and so porn will have changed their feelings and expectations about sex.

These days many think of sex outside of a relationship as an opportunity to have porn style sex, and there is a recognition that relationship sex is different. But when porn has been their sex education, I now suspect that for many relationship sex is milder porn sex.

As well as changing what people think is normal sex, porn has changed what people think of kinky sex as well. For example many now think that real-life BDSM (including Female Domination) is the strong fantasies pushed by porn and don't know about how kink was practiced in the days of Safe, Sane and Consensual). So, for example, some now think that "The Sub is there for the Mistress’s pleasure not the other way around" and thus the sub should not receive any pleasure and he should just submit to whatever the Mistress wishes.

In a forum a man who had been married for decades wrote "My wife won't let me have sex. We can only make love." So for him what he sees in porn is 'sex', and the relationship ship 'vanilla' sex he has with his wife doesn't count.

If the starting point is having sex which is party or significantly based on porn, then the difference between this 'usual' sex and Devotional Sex is much bigger, and the benefits even greater.

The downside of porn being the base is that it will be much harder for people to be able to visualise the new world of Devotional Sex. Devotional Sex is an antidote to porn, but to want to take an antidote you need to see the problems of porn and be attracted to the alternative.

One problem with discussing this is that when what is viewed with porn is thought of as normal, and thus has become something you do when you have sex, it's hard to comprehend that things really are different from decades ago. For example choking has a common activity has only come about because it appeared in lots of porn. So, from an article in The Guardian, a young man writes:

When I met Kali I had already slept with quite a few women, but my main reference point for sex was porn. I thought Kali wanted me to pull her hair and put my hands round her throat during sex, but about a year into the relationship she told me she didn’t. I never particularly enjoyed doing those things either, they’re just moves I thought were part of a “normal” sexual repertoire.

So what is 'sex' in the 2020s?

#devotional sex

Devotional Companions (taking DevS for singles futher)

Yesterday I decided to add the option of Devotional Companions for singles who have a well established Devotional Friendship and wish to take things further.

With a Devotional Friendship he commits to fulfill her sensual and sexual wishes (within what he is willing to do) whenever they are together. He also commits to never ejaculating when with her and that things will never go as far as Joy (intercourse). This opens up a new world for her to explore which is very different from other types of casual sex.

Devotional Companions takes things further towards what happens in a Devotional Relationship. If she wishes she can now include Joy in their activities, and if she wishes she can now occasionally have her Knight ejaculate when with her. The sexual bond between them is also made more powerful, especially for him, as to become her Companion he has to give her some control over his ejaculations when they are not together.

To give the Princess flexibility and to ensure that the extra control remains fun for her, she decides how the extra control will work.

At the least this could be her setting how many days charge she wishes her Knight to have when the meet, and setting how many days he must refrain from ejaculating after their encounter. This, for her, can be 'set and forget'.

At the most she may enjoy taking full control and, like with a Devotional Relationship, he commits to only ever ejaculate when she decides. With a Companion many, most, or even all of his ejaculations may happen when he is alone.

Of course they only become Devotional Companions if both agree to the conditions. So there may be some negotiation.

So a Devotional Companionship creates a much stronger sexual bond between the Princess and her Knight. The dynamic and the activities are likely to be different from what happens in a Devotional Relationship as Companions are not in a romantic relationship.

It will be fun to write about the many ways a Princess can enjoy life with a Devotional Companion. That's to come.

This post is just to introduce this new concept, and to seek feedback, comments, and questions.

#devotional sex

Devotional Friends is very different from Dev. Dating

Devotional Dating is when both are open to exploring this becoming a romantic relationship. Even on a first date and with using DevS the feel and what is done will be different from Devotional Friends. As they date more then more sexual activities are added. If things keep going well the couple add Joy to their possible activities. And the next big step for the couple is for their Devotional Dating (he never ejaculates when with her) moves into a Devotional Relationship (he now only ever ejaculates when with her and when she decides).

With Devotional Dating the couple engage in the full range of activities (sexual pleasures, intimacy, sensual, and erotic fun). What happens is a full package aimed at meeting the needs of both as much as possible.

Devotional Friends is when both have agreed that they won't form a relationship, that both can see other people if they wish, and either can end the Devotional Friendship whenever they wish and this won't be an emotional burden to the other.

With Devotional Friends she chooses what activities will happen. As there is no expectation that this dynamic will be a full package, she may keep things limited to the few she initially chose to enjoy.

The dynamic with Devotional Friends is different from dating as there is no romantic relationship. So she can use her control in a way which might not feel right if done with a romantic partner. She can treat her Knight as someone there to please her as he isn't her romantic partner.

A Devotional Friendship can be practiced with a real friend, but if you are seeing someone mainly for the Devotional activities, then 'friend' means mutual respect and not only wanting to enjoy this for yourself but wanting your friend to enjoy the experience.

If he doesn't find the limited activities she has happen enough to want to continue, then he ends the friendship. For example if he is mainly wanting sexual activity but she concentrates on sensual and intimate activities, they won't be a good match.

It's possible that two Devotional Friends will start to have feeling for each other, and thus decide to move to Devotional Dating.

When meeting someone for a date and hoping to find a partner you may instantly know that a relationship won't happen. But you may both be interested in exploring a Devotional Friendship. Also it may only become clear that a relationship won't happen after a few dates with Devotional Dating, and if you could move to a Devotional Friendship.

Real life is more complex than this. But one benefit of thinking it should be one or the other is that this makes clear relationship status and so isn't one person leading on the other.

When Devotional Dating I've had a few times where I've taken my date through foot massage, Affirmation (me naked), Display, more foot massage, then to bed (with her having me put my underpants back on), and in bed cuddles, Pleasure Kisses (giving her oral), orgasms for her, and ending without her ever touching my underpants.

With Dating I expect things to progress, so next time she touches me. But if we went on as Friends then she could keep things as they were the first time if that is what she prefered.

A woman can have a Devotional Friend who never sees her naked, yet she has him Affirmed all the time they are together. Another might often take her Knight to bed but this is only to enjoy a cuddle, and no sexual activity ever happens. None of these would be enjoyed by a Knight if that was all that happened each time during Devotional Dating, but he may be very happy to enjoy these activities with a Devotional Friends as it's far better than nothing.

This is a quick first draft. I welcome any questions, comments, or suggested improvements.

How a man can find a Devotional Friend

Devotional Friends are when two people who are not wanting a relationship engage in Devotional Sex for sensual and sexual pleasures, to enjoy intimacy, and for fun. When with her he is her Knight. He commits to never ejaculating when with her, and to fulfill all her sexual and sensual wishes (within what he is willing to do at that time). He also agrees that things will never go as far as intercourse.

Devotional Friends opens up a huge playground in the space between doing nothing and full friends-with-benefits. It's up to the Princess to decide what things she wants to enjoy and how. For example, one Princess might just enjoy spending time with an Affirmed Knight, and another might enjoy lots of Pleasure Kisses and orgasms.

Finding a woman who wants to be your Devotional Friend might at first seem very difficult, but I believe that if approached in the right way it may be very easy.

Much harder is to find someone who will want a relationship with you / want to have porn style sex with you / want to have kinky sex with you / or want to have intercourse with you.

One approach is to mention to a female friend that you have discovered a new technique called Devotional Friends which enables friends to share erotic intimacy and fun without ever going all the way. If she is interested you then tell her the basics, answering her questions along the way. Near the end you let her know that you are keen to try this one day if you can find a willing friend.

As this is Devotional Sex it might be best to leave it to her to say that she would be happy to try it with you.

I think lots of women would be interested in hearing about Devotional Friends as it is the opposite of the male driven, porn-influenced, alternative.

My guess is that many single women would be interested in giving Devotional Friends a go. So the main hurdle is whether or not she is willing to try this with you. This isn't as difficult as her wanting to have full friend-with-benefits activities. But she still needs to feel that it would be fun and sexy to feel desired by you and have some activities which she would like to try with you.

One big advantage which you have is that it wouldn't be easy for her to find another man who is willing to become her Devotional Friend.

I welcome any questions or discussion on how a man can find a Devotional Friend. Is there another approach which you think might work?

Why I wish young adults knew about Devotional Sex

I become sexual active in 1979. The world has changed very significantly since then, and this includes how we think and feel about sex.

All the surveys show that we (all ages) are now having less sex than in the past, and there has been a significant decline in the amount of sex young adults engage in.

I believe that the main reason for this is that since the internet, societies views and expectations of sex has changed significantly. The main driver of this has been porn, and a secondary driver has been companies (eg Facebook, Tumblr) banning sexual content. So the internet has been split into the commercial porn part with the rest being very puritanical. There is now no place for viewing sexual content which presents intimate connected erotic sex.

For example, when Tumblr allowed adult content there was a thriving sub-set of blogs which showed and talked about sex less extreme than porn. Most of those now practicing Devotional Sex discovered it from my Tumblr blog which includes lots of explicit photos which could be interpreted as showing Devotional Sex. One mum once told me that my photo blog is the sort of thing she would be happy for her 16 year old daughter to view. Of course Tumblr then banned explicit content. All the hard core porn just moved to other website, but I've never found somewhere else where my Tumblr could be replicated and attract new people to DevS. Also it is very hard to advertise a sex positive website as Google Ads rules makes clear that even something like Tantric Sex is banned.

Sex education may say that porn isn't real sex, but societies prudery prevents telling young adults how sex can be done differently from porn. And there is nowhere where young adults can view an alternative to porn sex. Thus young adults educate themselves about sex by looking at porn, and this includes young adult women.

For young adults there is casual sex (now often called hook-up sex) and there is relationship sex.

Young men now see casual sex as a chance to fulfill their porn fantasies. Some men think that a woman accepting casual sex is thus a slut wanting to be treated as such. So casual sex for him is very much using her. And young men who are more caring don't have any alternative to porn sex to guide them on what to do.

Most young women having casual sex no longer expect that this is about their pleasure. And some think the purpose is to show him that they are good at sex. And 'good at sex' of course means acting like the women in porn.

Most young adult men know that sex in a relationship has to move to a more loving dynamic with some focus on pleasing her. But, as they know no better, that is often just a milder form of porn sex. He still pumps away like a steam engine, he still wants to cum on her face, and anal sex and choking can still be on his list of sexual activities.

Sex back before the internet wasn't usually amazing sex. His orgasm was key and most men were not concerned in pleasuring her. But sex back then wasn't at all like internet porn. Find some porn from the late 70's or early 80's and you will see that it is much more normal people (not the super fit bodies we see now) having normal friendly sex.

Young women these days don't have the option of having pre-internet sex, and they have probably not even heard of any of the ways of making connected sex much better. So I believe that the key reason that young adults are having less sex is that casual sex for women isn't usually fun or pleasurable.

Another factor is that all the talk about consent has driven some men to either of two extremes. At one end are those men who sexually assault/rape women not caring about the impact upon them. Research has found that in college the men who have assaulted a women have done this an average of six times. So take 10 men and 10 women, it take only one bad man and six of the women will say they have had a very bad experience.

At the other extreme there are the nice men who are now scared to initiate and engage in sex as he doesn't want to appear as a bad man. The rightful venom due to the few bad men all too often lumps all men into the same boat.

So why do I wish young adults knew about Devotional Sex?

One reason is that if a young adult decides to practice Devotional Sex this acts as an antidote to porn. So yes, of course I think some young adults will thrive and have an amazing sex life if they practiced Devotional Sex.

But the key reason is that young adults knowing about Devotional Sex gives them an alternative which is the opposite of porn. Just knowing that this is possible may move many of them, even just a little bit, away from porn towards mutual pleasure. For example, a young female knowing that it's possible to have sex which is totally focussed on her pleasure means that she is more likely to try to move things, however slightly, towards something she likes.

Of course Devotional Friends (the DevS way of enjoying erotic intimacy and fun without a relationship) and Devotional Dating (when things might develop into a relationship) won't be for everybody. But imagine if even just 5% of young adults liked it! The numbers doing it would be huge.

And those who know someone who practices Devotional Sex are even more likely to be nudged to be just a little more focus on mutual pleasure in their hookups and relationships.

................

This is just a firsts draft of these ideas, which I shall refine over time. I'm keen to have feedback as any discussion will help me create a better version. I look forward to any responses!

#devotional sex #young adult sex

Is the Devotional Cuddle just done in DevS?

A Devotional Cuddle is when a couple have a cuddle during which she is holding his erection.

With Devotional Sex these cuddles happen often, and are one of the key ways his erotic energy is directed into intimacy.

As he doesn't ejaculate at the end of most sessions of activity, a Devotional Cuddle usually follows the activity. And many couples enjoy a Devotional Cuddle those mornings and bedtimes when she decides that no further activity will take place. During this cuddle she feels no expectation that further activity should follow, but she loves his desire for her.

But what about with coupled who don't practice Devotional Sex?

With a vanilla (ie conventional sex) couple, at the end of activity he has ejaculated and has lost energy. At worst he rolls over and goes to sleep. But some couples will afterwards have a cuddle - but he isn't hard and she isn't holding him.

With vanilla them getting to the stage of him being hard and her holding him will, I think, almost always be followed by activity. And if he is hard, and they cuddle, if she doesn't want activity she will ignore his erection.

In the kinky world a femdom couple can have her deny him ejaculation at the end of the activity. But here the dynamic is one of domination and submission, and him feeling denied by her. So the ending here is more likely to be her rolling over and leaving him alone. Moving into the intimacy of a Devotional Cuddle would negate the powerful kinky dynamic, so I doubt a Devotional Cuddle would happen often with a kinky couple into denial.

With a couple which has him wearing a chastity cage I can imagine a cuddle after sexual activity. But here his erection is prevented by the cage. Even if she hold the cage it's not the same as holding his erection.

So is a Devotional Cuddle something which only Devotional Sex makes common? I would love to hear your thoughts!

PS - I have no idea if anyone is still reading this old blog. If I get some replies here I'll start posting more often.

#devotional sex

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