nihilism

still in the making

[thehopefulquotes]

“Some days are tougher and all you can do is take a deep breath. But that’s okay, you are doing your best.”

— Unknown

[dewiyuan]

stumbled upon this book and finished it in one sitting

[dewiyuan]

everyone just saying that everyone leaves eventually

but no one ever said what to do when that happens

can every goodbye come with manuals how to overcome it? or how to prepare for it?

people come and go

i know

but i still don’t know how to face the feelings that come with it

[thehopefulquotes]

“It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.”

— Paulo Coelho

[dewiyuan]

what if my head doesn’t have too many what ifs?

[dewiyuan]

welcoming my own comeback!

[dewiyuan]

"makan, yuk!"

dua kata itu telah menjadi suatu mantra keseharian. kamu begitu fasih melafalkan, aku begitu mudah mengiyakan.

tidak terhitung sudah berapa kali sejak pertama kali kamu mengucapkan. saat itu, kamu masih terbata ragu-ragu, sedangkan aku masih menunduk malu-malu.

sekarang, lewat tatapan saja rasanya kamu sudah mengetahui apa yang aku rasakan. tanpa aku perlu bersusah payah mengutarakan.

aku dan kamu berjalan beriringan, seperti biasa. sama biasanya dengan kesadaran bahwa kita adalah dua orang yang saling berdekatan tanpa bertautan.

berpindah dari dinginnya kelas akibat pendingin buatan, aku dan kamu telah mengisi satu dari sekian banyak bangku di kafetaria. puluhan manusia sebaya memenuhi ruangan. namun, semua itu tidak penting ketika aku dan kamu berhadapan.

setelah beberapa saat berdesakan, dua sajian telah terduduk manis di hadapan. setelah itu, aku dan kamu melakukan hal yang telah kita biasa lakukan.

kamu menautkan jari jemari berdekatan. memejamkan mata dan menundukkan kepala. aku juga melakukan hal yang sama, menundukkan kepala dan memejamkan mata. namun, kedua tanganku jauh dari bertautan. hanya menengadah dan menempel berdekatan.

aktivitas ini sudah seperti mantra keseharian. mentra yang mengingatkan, bahwa aku dan kamu bukan untuk saling berkelindan.

[dewiyuan]

is it?

[thezeroquotes]

I have a mind like ocean waves. Shifting always, too violent or too gentle, burning like salt water. Come too close and I worry that I will swallow you.

— Zoë Lianne, Black and White

[dewiyuan]

in those rainy days and nights

you just stare at the ceiling

your mind wanders to somewhere you don't even know

thinking all of the possibilities

but maybe they only focus on a bad one

leaving you with more untangible thoughts

you try and try to make things more clear

but all you have done seems so useless

worthless

till you don't even know how to feel anymore

you just feel

empty

[dewiyuan]

starting 2021 timeline with something that would remind me of happiness

[dewiyuan]

can i make through this? can You please tell me?

[dewiyuan]

how are you supposed to feel when you hear some news about those who once leave your side

will you be happy? upset? or are you gonna let your tears once again fall?

you won't know, well, in this case, me

am i happy about it?

am i upset?

but one thing for sure, the first thing that came to mind are memories about oneself

memories you spent together

memories you created together

memories about you who will grumble when he's late

memories about him when suddenly buy your favorite foods

memories about late night calls spitting nonsense

and i finally know the meaning of what they say

you're healed, when you're not hurt from recalling memories about them

and i know, i'm grateful for it

cause as much as it hurts, it gives me that much happiness

2020/12/10

[dewiyuan]

"can we go back like we used to before?"

i read those messages you sent again and again. it's been weeks since it arrived in my message box and i still can't seem to find courage to answer it. even i don't know the answer itself.

is it alright? is it going to be the same?

i know that deep down, we didn't really want to part. we didn't really have a choice back then. but, it was over because it wasn't really work, no?

even though it's been ages since i left that message unanswered, you're still silent. little part of me feel happy that you still know me well. know that i have thousands things to think before i make up my mind. know that i don't really like to be hasted.

in the corner of this room, i hold my phone. my fingers numb. i stared at the screen that shines a dim light to my face.

"can i see you tonight?"

sent

2020/11/28

[dewiyuan]

here i am. sitting on this cheap sofa booth with its dull color. there are two other persons sitting with me. there's an empty seat in front of me, yours.

i change my direction to find its owner. and there you are. standing while you're holding those rectangle shaped electronic thing on your ear, covered by those dazling dark hair. the clatter and the noisy chit chat muted in my ears.

from the way you talk, i know who's on the other side of line. your rosy cheeks, your sparkling eyes, your beautiful smile. smile that you've never given me.

i know there's so much more distant between us than this two milimeters glass wall. but i'm more than happy. cause this is just the way i treasure and love you. yes, by watching you without having to cross the line.

11/10/2020

[dewiyuan]

ku lihat jam di tangan kiriku menunjukkan pukul lima sore. dengan setumpuk kertas, map, dan buku di tangan kananku aku berjalan melewati jalanan semen untuk keluar dari lingkungan kampusku.

perjalananku menuju kafe terdekat lumayan juga membuat pelipisku basah. menggulirkan satu dua butiran air yang berbau masam. aku memasuki kafe dan merasa seakan terkena angin sejuk di puncak Himalaya.

mendekati kasir aku memesan temanku bersantai sore ini, caffe latte panas dan new york cheese cake. beres, aku berjalan menuju meja di pojok ruangan. berseberangan dengan pintu masuk.

aku membuka buku setebal sol sepatuku untuk mengisi waktu sebelum membuka laptop. ku lihat kembali tangan kiriku. masih ada 30 menit.

bosan melihat rentetan abjad yang berbaris rapi, ku putuskan untuk membuka benda persegi yang telah ku keluarkan sebelumnya dari tasku.

connecting...

seulas senyum tergambar di wajahku dan sesuatu yang sama ada di wajahmu.

"Hai,"

2020/10/05

[dewiyuan]

kita masih berjalan. aku di samping kananmu. berusaha mengimbangi langkah kakimu yang terbalut sepatu converse putih favoritmu.

aku memperhatikanmu

kamu masih sama. rambutmu sama. wajahmu sama. tanganmu sama. kaki panjangmu sama. bahkan ritme langkahmu masih sama. menyesuaikanku.

jadi, apa yang berbeda?

ku buka semua laci di otakku. berusaha mencari.

kita berhenti berjalan. kamu menoleh. melihat wajahku yang terhias kerutan di sela kedua alisku.

seperti biasa kamu tersenyum. kenapa kali ini tidak sama?

kamu mengucap. lalu perlahan kembali melangkahkan kaki. aku masih terdiam. melihat punggungmu yang semakin berjarak.

di sana dia. menunggumu.

ah

aku tahu

ternyata bukan kita. tapi aku dan kamu yang berjalan.