[dexr]

breaking my hiatus to say i jus got the biggest news of my entire career: ill be traveling abroad to train new hires from our india team! until now nginig at ngatog pa rin ako teH hahahahahahahah tangina hello?????????

di ko pangarap maging masyadong importanteng tao sa work pero pakshit bragging rights din to hahahahahahaha kasi of all pipol??????? yis galing taena

anyway,,,,i hope lifes way way better for u my darling!!!! ✨💝

[dexr]

things im trying to fix (as a virgo girlie):

my sleeping schedule

spending issues

my room, that i, for the love and mercy of god, cant even begin to clean after being a mess for months now

my emotions that is, as always, at an all time high especially these past few weeks. ive been eating less and sleeping more. i dont want to go out to the sun and ive been soaking up too much of my down-the-gutter sad playlist.

workloads that are starting to pile up. which leads me,

my attitude towards people at work who seem to be new to thinking (LIKE!!!!!!!! how did you pass interviews with that lack of self-awareness oh my god do we not know how to be competent!!!!!!!!!)

the eagerness to be chosen

my intrapersonal conversations and why, when everything boils down to it, i always feel the need to blame myself

how i should have known better

how i say yes way too quickly to certain people and always say no when it comes to myself

(ill be back here when i recover my self-worth. when i start to learn that i should be the top of my priority list. for the meantime, let me plot my own death and enjoy my time while im at it. see u when i see u)

[dexr]

so many songs i could have discovered and liked if only i wasnt too loyal to my ethel cain playlist 😭 so many things i could have accomplished at work if only i wasnt too sad to function.

[thechaotickalamari]

[dexr]

TO LOVE ME IS TO SUFFER ME

[dexr]

wait til the grief overlaps. when youre mourning a loss and here comes another. until you can no longer tell which is which, each as overbearing, saying, look here, look at what this does to you. this always ends up the same, youre still going to end up being the one picking up things. that even the devil wouldnt pray this to his most unloved enemy. all of these gnawing at your sole, making its way up. what if there is nothing left to love off you but the monster itself? what then?

[dexr]

ginawa ang miyerkules ng gabi hindi para ipahinga ang isip kundi para gunitain ang mga nakangingilong alaala at paulit ulit na damhin ng mapagrebeldeng puso ang mga hinanakit nito sa sansinukob.

[dexr]

we meet and we break apart at the exact time. compressing everything in a moment, we kiss and we let go the millisecond after. the fluttering wings in my throat and the tick-tack of my heartbeat barely makes any difference. the amount of time we talk—the brief hello followed by the briefest goodbye. sleeping next to you is just a blink of an eye. discovering your body and the wonders of it barely touches my tongue, the sleeping pattern, the outline of your skin, the rough edges consisted of little constellations like they are drawn by a kid. your words barely a whisper. my love barely an echo. if everything stood quietly, a lifetime would be just a chapter, our story barely a flip of a page. the course of our lives meeting at an intersection just as fast. the universe, the cruel matchmaker gives us nothing, not even a choice, not even a chance. not even time.

in the grand scheme of infinity, a fleck. a feeling abrupt. just a thumbnail of thought. an almost. however, here, stay with me in the briefest of memory, we will make this one last enough.

— ephemeral, jan 2021

[dexr]

i hope letting go for you is a choice that you want to take and not because its the only thing left to do. i hope this doesnt become like the rest of our stories.

[dexr]

sobrang love language ko talaga ang acts of service. sobrang gustong gusto ko yung may ginagawa para sa iba. kaya siguro sobrang fave kong metaphor yung love is stored in peeled oranges. o yung to be loved is to be inconvenienced. o i love you, i want us both to eat well. o anything that implies “love is nourishing.” i mean gets kasi you want whats best for the people u love diba. pero siguro ang downside lang is it can easily blur the line between sacrifice and love hahahaha. like ang hirap idistinguish kung hanggang saan ang kaya mong tiisin just for the sake of love. kasi i grew up in a household na ang pagod = love fought hard, kahit na ba in expense of yourself. and so i grew up thinking the heavier the love, the more tiring it gets and the more tiring it gets the sweeter the fruit afterwards or something to that effect. and i guess ang scary sa part na yun is yung constant need mong to feel validated by the amount of appreciation you get for the “sacrifice” you did for someone. na kapag hindi naaappreciate yung ginagawa mo eh it only means its not enough kahit na ba naestablish mo na sa sariling mong people can only meet and love you in the same amount they personally experienced love and that its not a representation of the love you give.

aaaAgH mej ang hirap talaga iunlearn ng mga personal biases mo if rooted sa childhood traumas hahahah and i guess its true din naman, na life is a continuous process of relearning and rediscovering yourself 🥹 & as long as andun yung eagerness na magbago for the better, i think yun naman ang pinakaimportant sa lahat 😭😭😭😭

niweyyyyZ, ang tanong ko lang eh bakit laging naiiwan ang responsibilidad ng pag aanalisa ng mga thingz sa mga taong mas laging nagmamahal nang malalim? anong katarantaduhan yan???

[dexr]

hindi pa ba turned off na may extra h sa name? 😭

AY TANGINA KA HAHAHAHAHAHAAJSHWAHH 😭😭😭😭 sori pero ang lauff ko teH 😭😭😭😭😭😭

[dexr]

lord bigyan mo lang aq ng rason ma turn off kay khen pls lang gusto ko na mag move on sa kanya 😭😭😭😭😭 tama na tong kabaklaang to utang na loob naman ksgsskslshsh

[dexr]

TANGINA NAMAN KASE BAKIT ANG GALING HUMALIK NG ANIMAL HA IS YUFFFFFFFF 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[dexr]

lord bigyan mo lang aq ng rason ma turn off kay khen pls lang gusto ko na mag move on sa kanya 😭😭😭😭😭 tama na tong kabaklaang to utang na loob naman ksgsskslshsh

[dexr]

mine nyo na mabilis bumigay yan isang kiss lang solb na :(((

[dexr]

i wasnt given the grace of a proper goodbye, not once, and ever since, ive been breadcrumbing on every hint of a farewell

[dexr]

‘cause i’m sick in the heart / it’s all ‘cause of you, you’re living inside it / & all i wanna do is cry ‘til i’m empty / cry ‘til i’m empty / empty of you

i dont think theres much really that u can do when grief visits you too early on a saturday morning.

[dexr]

meanwhile, ang nanay kong mapagpatol (na ang context ng note na yan ay purong kabaklaan ay maliit na detalye na lang) 😭😭😭😭