MARCODIL

Medical Doctor | ESTJ | Leo | Ambivert Out of Genre 🍁 This is where myself reveal its secrets. Scroll.

[dhilamarcodil]

Saat pikiranku jemu

Sekitarku terasa tak bergerak

Ketika hangat kopi pagi menyuruput ke dalam kesadaranku

Barulah aku terlahir pagi ini, kumbangku belum mengepak

[dhilamarcodil]

Saat kau tak lagi coba mengasah ujung penamu

Otakmu membeku

Akalmu menumpul

Saat aku tersadar mereka yang telah bertemu tempat peraduan batinnya

Aku diam, tahu salah telah melepas

Ikhlas menanggung ketunggalan jiwa yang tak pula mampu sempurna

[dhilamarcodil]

Pantai Tanjung Tinggi - Belitung

Tempat Laskar Pelangi pernah berpijak

[dhilamarcodil]

Dan bagiku, hanya telfon dan suara yang bisa menggantikan raga.

Aku benci pesan singkat dalam telfonku. Seakan aku bukanlah seorang manusia yang butuh didengarkan suaranya.

[dhilamarcodil]

I'm not changing darling,

It's just a state of me yoyr never ever known of.

[dhilamarcodil]

Thing that is so burdensome in having an issue with your fams is you're becoming someone else.

[dhilamarcodil]

I'm the one who dream of a great family ; great manners, great gratitude, great togetherness, great spirit and great ambition.

But i am so wrong. Because nobody other than mom, knows what exactly is a family.

Mom tought me to be loving unconditionally. But mom, only you and i amin to that.

[dhilamarcodil]

"Family should not be perfect"

I amin to that. But turn out, it's hard.

My expectation is too much.

And the players are all dissappeared.

[dhilamarcodil]

Nothing beats family.

But when family beat you,

You dont have anything at all.

[dhilamarcodil]

And everytime,

Allah never fails to satisfy me

He is the One who knows where exactly aches

He is the One who knows what to do when me as a human has no control

Everytime,

Allah shows us mercy

He shows me He would always there

Listening to my heartache

Waiting for my tears to stop

And Showing His love that never fail to calm me.

إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِي

Hanya kepadaMu kami menyembah, dan hanya kepadaMu kami meminta pertolongan [al-Fatihah: 5]

[dhilamarcodil]

Deep down, i felt the cruelness. I felt the loneliness. I felt the misery.

But i couldn't forgive

For everything in past years of what you've been doing to the most respectable women i know

I dont need you to look at me

Because i never feel need to

You should apologize

It's the only way

To the graveyard of a body on 53 yo.

Forgiveness,

Is something you earn.

[dhilamarcodil]

Have you ever suppressed the happiness inside?

Like, feeling that the world is actually trying to play on you,

Trap you into some hidden blackhole,

To finally at the end,

It calls on you,

"See, who told you to be smile in the beginning. I could swap all of it in no time."

Then everytime, things are making you happy. You doubt it.

Is it a trap or is it a right?

[dhilamarcodil]

In the middle of this pandemic, i miss them a lot

[dhilamarcodil]

And my trauma finally kills me now.

[dhilamarcodil]

I hate they way we could not find the same time to call each other.

Or simply just to text at the same time and fast-replying.

I hate the way our time frame are slowly separating.

But i bare it, should i bare it, because i know you're struggling.

And i won't make you struggle more by hearing all my clingy things. Because it's already hard.

I believe we both struggles to make it through, so i will not give up.

Hang in there darling.

[dhilamarcodil]

Sometimes it would be easier for us to just be casual about everything, but there are things, no matter how hard you try, it just could not be changed.

Believing people first judgement, for example.

[dhilamarcodil]

I explained my hurt but i got hurt evenmore, so i chose silence.