Saat pikiranku jemu
Sekitarku terasa tak bergerak
Ketika hangat kopi pagi menyuruput ke dalam kesadaranku
Barulah aku terlahir pagi ini, kumbangku belum mengepak

@theartofmadeline
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he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Not today Justin
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@dhilamarcodil
Saat pikiranku jemu
Sekitarku terasa tak bergerak
Ketika hangat kopi pagi menyuruput ke dalam kesadaranku
Barulah aku terlahir pagi ini, kumbangku belum mengepak
Saat kau tak lagi coba mengasah ujung penamu
Otakmu membeku
Akalmu menumpul
Saat aku tersadar mereka yang telah bertemu tempat peraduan batinnya
Aku diam, tahu salah telah melepas
Ikhlas menanggung ketunggalan jiwa yang tak pula mampu sempurna
Pantai Tanjung Tinggi - Belitung
Tempat Laskar Pelangi pernah berpijak
Dan bagiku, hanya telfon dan suara yang bisa menggantikan raga.
Aku benci pesan singkat dalam telfonku. Seakan aku bukanlah seorang manusia yang butuh didengarkan suaranya.
I'm not changing darling,
It's just a state of me yoyr never ever known of.
Thing that is so burdensome in having an issue with your fams is you're becoming someone else.
I'm the one who dream of a great family ; great manners, great gratitude, great togetherness, great spirit and great ambition.
But i am so wrong. Because nobody other than mom, knows what exactly is a family.
Mom tought me to be loving unconditionally. But mom, only you and i amin to that.
"Family should not be perfect"
I amin to that. But turn out, it's hard.
My expectation is too much.
And the players are all dissappeared.
Nothing beats family.
But when family beat you,
You dont have anything at all.
And everytime,
Allah never fails to satisfy me
He is the One who knows where exactly aches
He is the One who knows what to do when me as a human has no control
Everytime,
Allah shows us mercy
He shows me He would always there
Listening to my heartache
Waiting for my tears to stop
And Showing His love that never fail to calm me.
إِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَإِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِي
Hanya kepadaMu kami menyembah, dan hanya kepadaMu kami meminta pertolongan [al-Fatihah: 5]
Deep down, i felt the cruelness. I felt the loneliness. I felt the misery.
But i couldn't forgive
For everything in past years of what you've been doing to the most respectable women i know
I dont need you to look at me
Because i never feel need to
You should apologize
It's the only way
To the graveyard of a body on 53 yo.
Forgiveness,
Is something you earn.
Have you ever suppressed the happiness inside?
Like, feeling that the world is actually trying to play on you,
Trap you into some hidden blackhole,
To finally at the end,
It calls on you,
"See, who told you to be smile in the beginning. I could swap all of it in no time."
Then everytime, things are making you happy. You doubt it.
Is it a trap or is it a right?
In the middle of this pandemic, i miss them a lot
And my trauma finally kills me now.
I hate they way we could not find the same time to call each other.
Or simply just to text at the same time and fast-replying.
I hate the way our time frame are slowly separating.
But i bare it, should i bare it, because i know you're struggling.
And i won't make you struggle more by hearing all my clingy things. Because it's already hard.
I believe we both struggles to make it through, so i will not give up.
Hang in there darling.
Sometimes it would be easier for us to just be casual about everything, but there are things, no matter how hard you try, it just could not be changed.
Believing people first judgement, for example.
I explained my hurt but i got hurt evenmore, so i chose silence.