Confessions of Grace

A confessions blog about grace, where people come to confess how God's grace transformed their lives.

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me, Me, ME TRAP!

Who would have thought that the internet would turn a generation into self-promoting and naricissitic people. From facebook, twitter, to pinterest, and whatever new social media site that comes up, it's always about me, me, ME! I'm quite sick of it! I'm not saying that I'm any better. To be honest, I've realized that before I even went to the mission field, it was so that I can receive God's blessing. "God, I will serve you in missions for two years in the field and then you will bless me." Wow, it really is the grace of God that He is able to do anything with someone so selfish. Plus how are we suppose to fulfill the two greatest commandment of loving God and others when we're so self-absorbed. Do you have time for anyone but yourself?

Maybe that's why God gave us these two great commandments so that we can be saved from ourselves and our selfishness. This 

Some may argue that maybe God is just as selfish and self-seeking because you know he wants everyone to give him the glory. But the difference is that God never promotes himself. He doesn't need to have a facebook page or twitter account or a blog. I'm not against giving people honor and credit when it's earned and deserved. But how God promoted himself was sending his only son to die on the cross on behalf for us. This was his only way to promote about himself. Doesn't that deserve all the glory and honor? Isn't God the only person who really deserves all the glory but He will never demand it from us. But everything, the earth, the universe, our lives are really only a testimony and praise to how awesome God really is. But just maybe when we really begin to seek the kingdom of God first, God will take care of us. I wouldn't mind having God of the universe watching my back. 

A Prayer:  

God, save me from myself. Save me from selfish desires and only wanting blessings for myself. Teach me what it means to die to myself and to live only for you. Turn us into a generation that will run with reckless abandon to love you and others. 

Amen

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Why Everyone Is Called To "Go"!

I caught up with an old friend of my mine who introduced me to her fiance. I love how sometimes you just hit it off with someone who also has similar passions. Well, I'm obviously passionate about missions and so we chatted for hours about missions and how everyone should go! 

I really believe that everyone is called to go in some way, shape or form. My smart friend Joel said that God seems to have a 3-prong approach for the church to complete his will through edification, mobilization and global missions. I completely agree that some people are called to be edify and encourage the church. Some are called to equip the saints for the work of God and some are called to physically go. But what's the point of growing church? Salvation? Isn't that God's job? What is God's plans for us believers? Sit here and just twiddle our thumbs and be safely sheltered in our nice church buildings till Jesus comes back! Or are we to take part in having Jesus returns by actively fulfilling the great commission.

Jesus' Last Words on Earth was the great commission. "Go and Make Disciples of All Nations." Whether you're called to the marketplace, home, China, Turkey, or wherever, I believe that everyone needs to have a greater perspective of God's will.

Senders - Why not send missionaries from within the mission field? 

Mobilizers - Why not go mobilize and equip the brothers and sisters in China or wherever else?

Goers - Why not take go beyond the country you're called to but to other nations as well?

My challenge to you is how are directly involved in global missions? When was the last time you prayed for global missions or missionaries abroad? When was the last time you gave to a missionary? When was the last time you thought outside of your own immediate need? 

I'm not saying that I'm any better, but I am challenged and reminded that God really is God of the universe and He has great hope and vision for us individually but globally as well. 

So, GO! 

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How Productivity Kills Relationships

I love being productive. In fact, I feel so satisfied at the end of the day when I've accomplished something. I know that there isn't a man who doesn't love being productive. Look at all the blogs out there focusing on how to be more productive and getting things done. I believe there are many reasons why people loving being productive, and it essentially comes down to that men love to build and create. You get that surge of adrenaline when you created something awesome. I believe this is how we were designed to be because we were created in the image of God who is a creator. However, I don't think God was so focused on productivity. If He was focused on being productive and efficient, why did He rest on the 7th day? So yes, it is in our nature to build and create, but how we go about doing it is just as important.

This past year, I'm satisfied with how productive I've been. But, it did cost me something, friendships. This was especially true when working with other people and friends. Whenever I worked on a project, I noticed that I went super project mode, which meant that I would want to finish this project as quickly and efficiently as possible. Everything else was secondary. I would become aggressive, easily agitated, and difficult to work with. But it didn't matter till the project got done. I said, after we get done with the project, I will mend these friendships. A friend of mine challenged me and asked me, have you ever thought of relational leadership? What!? Relational leadership? She simply asked, "If you had a time sensitive project you needed to get done but having problems with the people you're working with, would you stop to work things through with that person?" I honestly answered, "No. We can make things up afterwards." But as I went home, I began to ponder more and more about this question. Relational Leadership, What does that mean? Why was I so task-oriented? 

If you remember from my previous post about slavery to sonship, I think the need to be productive comes from the slave mindset. You know if I do a number of projects, tell people about Jesus to a 1000 people, pray a number of hours, etc, God will love me. Wouldn't God love me more if I did it faster and more efficiently? WRONG! Then I asked myself, if God was really all powerful and didn't need us humans to do anything, why does bother working with us? Wouldn't it be more productive if God did everything by himself? It then dawned on me, maybe God allows me to work with Him because He enjoys working with me. Why is it enjoyable because God enjoys the relationship that develops from working towards a project or goal. Maybe God puts people in our lives to work with so we can learn how to love better. I've learned the hard way but better now than never. So with this understanding, I'm determined to longer sacrifice my relationships at the alter of productivity.  

Questions to ask if you're driven by productivity:

Do you value productivity over relationships?

Do people find you difficult to work with? 

Do you feel the urge to take over a situation if something is moving fast enough?

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Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012

I know that by now some of you have already sorted out your life for 2012, I just started my process. I'm still reviewing 2011 and sharing my success and my failures. Like all good times of reflection, the key is to ask good questions.  

Questions I ask: 

What went wrong?

What went well?

Why? 

1) Growing Deeper in God - One regret that I have for this year is that I didn't pray as much as I wanted. This is an extremely vague "goal," which might have been the problem to start with. But I really did want to set apart time to pray every single day for at least 30 minutes aside from my quiet time. But I've definitely grown deeper with God this year. I've learned a lot more about myself and how God has called me. I can't really share any secret to growing deeper God cause God is the one who leads us. But there is on thing I learned, humility. God really is near to those who are broken hearted and contrite in spirit. So don't always assume that you're right, I got my ego handed to me quite a bit this year. All for good reason.

2) Relationships - I don't know how to measure success on this one. I really didn't start with a "goal" in mind  because relationships shouldn't be about goals. But I consider it super successful cause I have a wonderful relationship with my girlfriend. We've had many good and hard times together this year. I'm super blessed to have her in my life. This year, I've also grown much deeper in my friendships with a few friends. Seriously, I'm goign to miss them a lot. Reason for my success, being intentional. When it comes to friendships, I realized that you have to be intentional about building up friendship. I was actually really good about it in the beginning of this year, intentionally spending time with people and learning more about them. But towards the end of year, I was less proactive about it. This might have to do with the fact that I became extremely task-oriented. Being productive-oriented and task-oriented kills your relationships.

3) Finances - Somewhat successful. My goal for this year was to start paying back my student loans at a rate that I can afford. I've started a repayment for my student loans based on my income, which is not very much at all! But I consider this a success cause I actually started the process. 

4) Health - 100% success. This year I wanted to lose about 20lbs. I've actually lost 26 pounds. I went from a pant size of 34 to 32. I also did not gain much weight back, maybe 1 pound or two. So I'm currently at 169lbs and I'm pretty happy about myself. The key to my success was to actually go on a diet with someone else. You don't know how helpful it is to actually do something difficult with someone and know that you're not suffering by yourself. Haha. NO, I did not starve myself. But seriously, if I can lose weight while in China, you have no excuse why you can't lose.  China is definitely limited in terms of what you can buy so it's quite a challenge to stick to a strict diet.

5) Music - 30% success rate. I'm happy with how far I've gotten with playing the guitar. I'm not great but I've definitely improved. My goal this year was to learn how to play 12 new songs not just playing chords. I've learned 4 songs, but I give myself the extra boost in success rate cause I've definitely improved over all playing the guitar. I think why I failed was because I didn't have a list of songs and did not schedule as much as I should have. 

6) Knowledge - 96% success rate. I got to read 23 books out of the 24 books that I wanted to read. I'm still working on 2 books from last year, which I'm nearly done with. I really do love reading. I think my success had to do with the fact that whenever there was down time, I read. That means reading in the bathroom as well. I've finished 4 books in there. I think I can read more books next year if I actually schedule a time to read for maybe 30 minutes a day.  

Overall, I think I'm pretty happy with hitting my goals this past year. I'm super excited to see what 2012 will be like. Have you reviewed your goals from last year? Tell me about your successes and failures and how you did it!

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5 Things I've Learned about God from My Kitten

It's hard learning to be a son. These past few days have been one of the most challenging I've faced in a long time. It wasn't some project that I wanted to succeed in or anything of that nature. It was dealing with myself, facing my adequateness and insecurities. I've been hurting real bad.  But I had a deep revelation from playing with my Kitten,  小虎虎 (Xiao Hu Hu). 小 means small, and 虎 means tiger. So Small Tiger Tiger. 

5 Things I've Learned

 I love 小虎虎, he's an orphan kitty. I picked him up from off the streets, and so he's not used to people holding him. So whenever, I try be affectionate and love him, he sort of freaks out. He'll try to wiggle his way out while scratching and biting me! I realize that I'm same way. Like my kitty, I also have an orphan mindset when it comes to God. Whenever God wants to love me, it seems that all I want to do is scratch or bite him away. These scratches and bites are my choices to sin, which really does wound God deeply. 

 小虎虎 doesn't actually know what he's doing. He's just a kitten, how can Xiao Hu Hu really know what he's doing is hurting me? Maybe he's just being playful, but it does hurt. I'm exactly the same with God. There must be sins that I'm oblivious to but that really hurt God. Sins that I thought were just “normal” behaviors such having a right to say whatever what I want even if hurts others. Good thing, God is so gracious and is lovingly teaching me the things that hurt our relationship.

I'm now in the process of training 小虎虎 to stop biting and scratching, which means I do have to be firm with him at times. My heart is to love him and to teach him so that when we have guests all He will do bite and scratch them. Just the same, God wants to teach me the things that hurt him and others. That way, I can also love God and others more.  

God has self-control. Sometimes, when my kitty scratches or bites, (it really hurts like hell) and I feel like I want to lose control and discipline him harshly. Then I thought, does God get as angry as I do because that would be scary. (Maybe I have anger issues...hmmm..) But thank God, He isn't anything like me. I don't think God is driven by strongly by such raging anger or emotions that he would have no self-control when he disciplines me. He endures it all and always loves even when he disciplines us.

 You know what I love about 小虎虎, he's just being himself, a kitten. There are no ulterior motives for him. He just is. Unlike myself, I have all these other motives for how I behave towards others and God. In my last post, I was talking about how I see God like a master and all I am was His slave, a slave by my choice. I need to win his approval and love by doing certain things such a praying, reading my bible, etc. I'm not saying these things are bad but God is teaching me to look behind the motive of my actions. God sees the heart of the man not just our behavior. So as I'm learning to be God's son, I'm learning that God did create me the way I am and He's pleased with how He created me. I don't need to jump through extra religious hoops to make God love me more. God is teaching me how he created me to be me. 

So after all this, maybe it's true when people say, "pets become like their owners."  

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God, the Employer or the Father?

Ever since I've been in the field working for God, I've never had to worry that much about finances. I guess I assumed that if God wants me to go work abroad, he will provide a way. As I'm wrapping up my time here in East Asia, I'm learning more about how I see God. One of the primary reasons why I never worried about finances is because I knew that I was "working" for God. Like a good boss, he makes sure his employees get paid. But as I'm taking some time off from this kind of work, financial worries are now drowning my thoughts. Some thoughts running through my head are:

 Is God going to provide for me even though I'm not in "ministry"?

 How am I going to afford anything? 

If I'm not in ministry, does that mean I'm out of God's will?

If I'm not working for him, where will the money come from?

This is when I realized that I actually don't have a very accurate picture of who God is. The way I view God is reflected according to how I relate with him. That's obvious, God's a great employer. I can trust him to provide for me while I work for him. No employer tells their employee to make something out of nothing. But the employer provides all the employee needs to get the task done. In the same way, God has provided all that I needed because I worked for him. But is this the extent of my relationship with God? Doesn't God call himself our father? At this point in time, I don't think I fully understand what it means to have God as my dad. But I believe the way God is leading me this upcoming season will give me a fuller grasp on God, "the Father." 

I can see God's fingerprints because he's leading me to take a break from ministry for a while. At this point, I'm quite scared to be honest cause I don't know how all my needs will be met. I've only known that He's provided since I've worked for him. But this next season, I can only trust God on the sole fact that He wants to be a father. He wants provide everything I need not because I work for him but because I'm His son. Perhaps, it's my next step of faith. A time for me to get a more broader understanding of God's grace as a father. Is it scary? Definitely! But taking a leap of faith is always scary. 

All of this has reminded me of the movie, Godfather. It's interesting how those two words make that one word, but I think it has some truth it. It's all a family business. God's business is to advance his kingdom, but he doesn't call up mercenaries to do the work. He calls his children to do the work. Just like in the movie, the "Don," (God) trusts his children to carry on the family business. We his children can only really understand the family business by learning from our older brother Jesus because he really is the only one who knows how to relate to God as the father. As soon as I have a fuller understanding of God as the Father and myself as the son, the better I can help in running the family business. So for the next phase of my life, I'm going to learn from Jesus what it means to be a son before I take a further role in the family business.

Exciting times ahead... hope I come out with a deeper confession of God's grace in the end. 

I can go on especially about the difference between roles and identity but I'll stop here. Maybe I should go watch the Godfather again. It's been a while...

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So do not be attracted by strange, new ideas. Your strength comes from God’s grace, not from rules about food, which don’t help those who follow them.

-Hebrews 13:9 (NLT)

Read it this morning. Thought it was good to share here. 

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My Confession (Act 1)

Like many Korean-American children in Los Angeles, I grew up going to church. With every church, they have their own unique culture and style. Our church catered specifically to a Korean-speaking adult audience with an English service for the kids. This obviously brought some interesting generational and cultural clashes later on. But that's for another time. Like many of my fellow Sunday school friends, I felt like I was put in daycare while my parents were busy learning about God and socializing with other adults. May be my parents were also forced to go to church because of their parents. So from my early church experience, I came to the conclusion that church was a place that no one wanted to be whether you're an adult or a child. At least as children, we were taught some fun "bible stories." What kid doesn't love people coming back alive from the dead, building a huge boat for all the animals?  I just thought God told good stories. But I never really saw or knew anyone whose life was completely transformed by God.

That was until 1995, when for the first time I witnessed and realized that God can change people’s lives, in fact my dad’s life. My dad is a great guy now, but he wasn’t always a great dad. I can tell you some sob stories but we won’t get into those. But as I was saying, I knew my dad had issues and addictions in his life cause they affected me as well. But on one weekend, he was forced once again through parental pressures to attend a men’s retreat with my church. But when he came back, something was different, something changed. My dad came back full of joy, free, and at peace. In terms of measurable behavior changes, there were some drastic changes. I didn't how or why but my dad told me it was God. That’s all I knew at the age of 10, God somehow in some way changed my dad for the better. And yes, there were still hard times in my family, but God continues to change us over time through grace. 

So I kept going to church with my parents, and life was getting better as my parents really began to come under God's grace. I still had some vague concepts of God, but I never had an "experience." At around the age of 13, I was exposed to porn and was definitely addicted. For some random connection, I started to think that I was about to get possessed by all these demons because of my addiction to porn. Or maybe because I watched the Exorcist. Either way, it was a dark time and scary time for me. I would go to bed every night with guilt and fear. I literally thought demons were trying to kill me and take over my life. I did well to hide this all from everyone, but eventually it started showing up. Lack of sleep for a teenager has its obvious effects. My parents began to notice my insomnia and my dad sat me down one night to just talk. (This is extremely rare in an Asian family.) So I basically told him everything about how every night I was afraid to sleep cause of all these demons, ghosts or whatever. I expected my dad to just write me off and say that they don't exist, etc. But he didn't. He genuinely knew that I was truly afraid. He prayed with me and shared with me Romans 8:38-39,

"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord."

After reading this, my dad explained that if you simply believe in Jesus and what he has done for you. Nothing can ever snatch you away from God's hands. I never felt so assured in my life that nothing can separate me from God.  It wasn't a mystical supernatural experience where I felt God touch me or hear his voice audible. (But I do believe that God is able to do that and more.) But ever since that day, I've never had doubts of my salvation. (So thanks dad and God.) This simple truth becoming a reality was the first step to God’s saving grace in my life. Honestly, I was just glad that I could sleep at night without worrying about demons coming after me. That freedom and security was tangible and real.

My story is just beginning, but what was your first encounter with God like? I'll post the other half of my testimony next week. Stay tuned. 

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All God's men are ordinary men made extraordinary by the matter He has given them.

Oswald Chambers

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Confessions of Grace

On becoming a Christian just a few years ago, I've noticed how much of my life has changed and how much grace that has been given to me by God. One of my favorite sayings used to be, "I can't catch a *@!&* break." Before I knew God, I tried to do everything myself, and I failed at a lot of things. In fact, I admit that my life was one big pity party. Whine, whine, whine! But an amazing thing happened in 2009, I met God. (I will definitely be writing about this in an upcoming post.) All I had to do was simply confess and admit before God that through his son Jesus Christ that I'm saved. Yes, I know this all sounds like religious jargon, but I will share my story later.

Aside from being saved, I realized that God continued to give me grace (not cause I kept screwing up, which I did), but my life is sustained by His grace. I don't know where I would be and what I would be doing if it wasn't God who continues to supply for my needs. I want to share my confessions and stories of grace. I hope it challenges, inspires, and helps you to realize that "Grace is not simply leniency when we have sinned. Grace is the enabling gift of God not to sin. Grace is power, not just pardon." (John Piper) 

I hope you continue to come back and read as I planned to make two posts a week about whatever I believe God is leading me to share. 

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The Trip to the Land of Robots and Sushi

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Welcome to Nanjing Normal University

Being one of the oldest universities in Nanjing, it has quite a fascinating history in modern China. The main gate to my university is quite weathered and aged. It has seen much history including being the safety zone for Chinese people during the Japanese massacre during the WWII. A simple introduction can be found here, but I will be starting a series of photos and historical background about my school. I will give you my take on it and what Dad plans and visions have for our university.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nanjing_Normal_University

It is not by accident that we are going to Japan this summer from Nanjing. We believe it's the beginning steps to really see reconciliation happen between two nations. I will definitely keep you updated from Japan! 

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A short history of Nanjing and Japan

The year is 1937. Japan has just invaded Korea and begins their advance to China. Nanjing was the capital at the time, and the Japanese military decided to use Nanjing as an example. With orders from the military, the Japanese soldiers began to rape, murder, and loot in Nanjing, which lead to what is now known as the Nanjing Massacre. Over 300,000 Nanjing citizens were murdered, and even till today it is a very sensitive subject. As depressing as it is, there was still a glimmer of hope for the Chinese as they sought refuge in the "international  safety zone." This zone was established by a few Germans and Americans to protect the Chinese people from the Japanese madness. Minnie Vautrin who was an american missionary, worked as a professor teaching teachers during the time. Our school was originally know as the Ginling Women's College, where Minnie rescued many Chinese women from such tragedies. Even today, she is honored and remembered at our school. 

"In my wrath, I wished I had the power to smite them for their dastardly work. How ashamed women of Japan would be if they knew these tales of horror." - Minnie Vautrin

I personally believe that history contributes to the molding of the future, and I know that I am also called to help those who might be struggling to survive and find life and hope. Metaphorically speaking of course, but significant nonetheless.  I hope to have the same amount of passion to fight such injustices that I may encounter in Nanjing. I just can't ignore the connection between the two.  

If you want to learn more, buy the book!  

American Goddess at the Rape of Nanking: The Courage of Minnie Vautrin

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A peak into a wandering rockstar...the slideshow

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What am I thinking about......Oh crap a car!

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Spring is in full swing and summer is quickly approaching. It's amazing to see how beautiful our campus is. You can see for yourself. Don't you agree? 

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An Introduction....

If you're here, I assume that you're interested in my life and what I'm doing or simply bored. Either way, thanks for stopping by. Essentially, this blog will be about the places I've been, the things that I'm doing, things that I find interesting, and whatever else I feel to share. You might even call it a scrapbook or a window into my life. Whatever the case, I hope it brings you hope, faith and love as I reflect upon the molding of my life in hands of a living God. I leave you with quote.

What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God. ~Eleanor Powell