Diaries of a Nobody

Random captures and thoughts of a day in the life of an extroverted loner....

[diariesofanobody]

Tuesday 24th March

Its been two weeks since my last post and not much has changed mental. There's been some good, but there's been some bad too.

I'm back and work and the distraction is good. Saying that, I'm pretty indifferent about the job and am starting to jot like some people there. Its only a temporary job but I thought it would be good because I have a couple of good friends who work there, but neither really chat to me much which has actually been really disappointing. I know they're busy but there's always a part of me that thinks people don't really want me around and this is just "proof" of it.

One of them even had their 50th birthday party and he invited so many of our mutual friends but not me. I don't get it. Especially seeing the people who were there baffled me as I thought I was closer to him than them. Friendship is so hard and Ive struggled with it all ny life... literally since I was 6. I'm just so over the heartbreak.

On a slightly better note (kinda), I've also applied for a dream job! It working for a music touring company! My dream since I was 15 was to work in the music industry in some form. I've had a phone interview a Teams interview and now and in person interview but I have no idea how I've done. I know they love my enthusiasm but I don't know if they think I'm the right fit.

I will be absolutely devastated to get a rejection but I won't find out until tomorrow. My gut instinct tells me I don't have it and thinking about it just sends me to tears.

I'm just so overwhelming with where my life is right now. I'm about to hit 45 years old and I feel like I'm still stuck in the same stupid body of uselessness and rejection. When am I ever going to get past this? I'm over getting hurt and rejected. I actually just want to cut everyone out of my life right now. Who fucking needs friends! I've embraced my loner life for most of my life to the point where 80% of the things I do is on my own and I get personal satisfaction from it. I don't feel the pressure of living up to people's expectations. I don't feel the fear of getting rejected.

I know its giving up, but I'm a good quitter lol.

[diariesofanobody]

Wednesday 4th March 2026

Its been a while since my last post and boy has a lot happened. My spiral downward was somewhat unexpected.

The underlying message of my depression is that I feel like either bad things happen to me or I am the "mistake" in other people's lives that they learn from. Either way I am a mistake in this world and I only bring bad things. A "useless piece of shit" is often my summary of what my depression says to me.

As someone who has had depression for 35 years of my life, I have learnt a lot about it and understood my thinking. Logically, I know none of this is true but its always a battle between emotions and logic in my head.

I recently lapsed a little when I scratched my partner's and my negativity around it came like an avalanche. And then I made a statement that I realised was true. I wish I could just disappear... not die.... but quit my job, be homeless and just live the invisible life I was destined to gave.

And even though my self loathing has dissipated over the past week, my thoughts of disappearing hasn't. And I realised this is was passionate suicidal ideation feels like. For once, dying isn't the end game, but not existing is. Its strange. There is much more silence in my head and all I want to do is hide in a hole and not come out.

That is the opposite to what my depression is normally like. I normally like to deal with my depression by being out and about, busy and amongst people, strangers preferably. But this time, I want silence and nothingness.

I felt such an overwhelming sadness about it that on Sunday night I messaged my manager and told her I needed to take a week off for a "personal emergency".

I've spent the past 3 days feeling really numb. I have no idea how to get out of this.

Yesterday I had a concert to see Pulp. But I spent all day talking myself out of going even though I knew it was a concert I really wanted to go to. Concerts are my happy place and for me to not what to go was a really bad sign.

I forced myself out of the house and walked to the Sidney Myer Music Bowl. I'm so glad it was an outdoor gig because I think the mild temperature and cool wind made me feel a bit better. I also read my book before the band came out to help distract my brain.

But then the band came out and all was good again. Music really does heal the soul. I felt energised and so joyful for that 1.5 hours. I'm so glad I talked myself into going now.

Today thought felt like back to square one. Today I was still in bed by 2:30pm and all I've eaten and drunk was a cup of tea. I had to get out of this. I needed to get out again.

So right now, I've walked to Flagstaff Gardens with my water and a book as well as an onigiri to snack on, and I've found a spot in the middle surround by other park goers and am trying to live the outside world as best I can.

...... hang out. We'll there's a way to get my mood temporarily up. I just got interrupted by a cute little Maltese dog who came up to me wanting pats and has now sat next to me for more cuddles. Ahhh, aren't dogs amazing!

Okay park idea was good lol. The next few hours should be easier as I have dinner and a comedy show planned. Further forced outings.

I just need to actually work out how to fix myself here....

[diariesofanobody]

Friday 30th January 2026

There ain't no party like a 1D party! (Sorry S Club 7 for stealing your line).

I spent my Friday night at The Esplanade Hotel (the Espy) in St Kilda with a whole bunch of other Directioners for a night of One Direction sing-a-long. It was just an awesome night with moments of sad tears as we all still mourn Liam.

As per my previous post, being a boyband fangirl is just SPECIAL. The connection we have with the band and also each other ia a bond like no other.

So many songs from their entire back catalogue was played and it was just so amazing to feel the love in the room! 💛

One Direction will always hold a special place in my heart. They started the boyband revival for the new fans and they were just a joyous bunch of lads. That's why their break up hurts almost just as much as Take That's split did.

Although Niall was my favourite, I always had a soft spot for Liam and his mental health journey has always broken my heart. But when I found out about his death, it absolutely broke me and its still brings me to tears thinking about him not being with us. It's also brought the reality of the band getting back together as almost impossible now which is equally heartbreaking.

On the 16th October, on the 1st anniversary of Liam's passing, I got the below tattoo. Its Liam's tattoo for the boys but I added a fifth arrow to represent him as well, but arrow is slightly faded. I'm so happy to have a part of them with me forever.

[diariesofanobody]

Friday 30th January 2026

There ain't no party like a 1D party! (Sorry S Club 7 for stealing your line).

I spent my Friday night at The Esplanade Hotel (the Espy) in St Kilda with a whole bunch of other Directioners for a night of One Direction sing-a-long. It was just an awesome night with moments of sad tears as we all still mourn Liam.

As per my previous post, being a boyband fangirl is just SPECIAL. The connection we have with the band and also each other ia a bond like no other.

So many songs from their entire back catalogue was played and it was just so amazing to feel the love in the room! 💛

One Direction will always hold a special place in my heart. They started the boyband revival for the new fans and they were just a joyous bunch of lads. That's why their break up hurts almost just as much as Take That's split did.

Although Niall was my favourite, I always had a soft spot for Liam and his mental health journey has always broken my heart. But when I found out about his death, it absolutely broke me and its still brings me to tears thinking about him not being with us. It's also brought the reality of the band getting back together as almost impossible now which is equally heartbreaking.

On the 16th October, on the 1st anniversary of Liam's passing, I got the below tattoo. Its Liam's tattoo for the boys but I added a fifth arrow to represent him as well, but arrow is slightly faded. I'm so happy to have a part of them with me forever.

[diariesofanobody]

Tuesday 27th January 2026

My life has revolved around a boyband called Take That since I was 13 years old! They are my everything and I have never stopped being a hard core fan for the past 32 years.

On Tuesday, Take That's 3 part Netflix documentary was released and I had myself a little Take That themed party with food with the Take That logo all over it lol.

The documentary itself was fantastic! No new information revealed but there was some great footage I've never seen before and it had me in tears throughout. Seeing the break up announcement from 1996 is still heartbreak, feeling the elation of the band getting back together in 2006, feeling the excitement of Robbie joining in 2011, the sadness of Jay leaving after that tour and just feeling grateful to have the lads still continuing the band after all these years.

Being a boyband fangirl is just the most wonderful thing to be. There is so much love and dedication both ways.

I have never been the person who ever had life goals but Take That always gave me a goal to look forward to, whether it was a new album or a new tour. I always had something to look forward to which is the slightest of glimmer of hope for someone who has depression and goes into bouts of suicidal thoughts.

I definitely wouldn't be hear on earth of I didn't have them.

[diariesofanobody]

Monday 19th January 2026

Another start of the week means a new work week. I at least get an hour lunch break in this new job which is nice. Unfortunately there is now where to sit and take a break, so I quickly ate my sandwich at my desk and walked out to the local cafe for an ice latter and to read my book. I luckily found a table in the corner away from the crowd to get a good 45 mins of ready!

When I came back to the office, I was told to go upstairs to get popcorn in the kitchen. Apparently its International day of popcorn and the local cinema had a bring your own bucket and fill it with popcorn for $10. So apparently someone from work did just that! I've never seen a bucket so big or so much popcorn outside of a cinema!

But how good is cinema popcorn! 😍 So much more saltier and butterier than any other popcorn. I ate 2 bowls of it lol.

[diariesofanobody]

Saturday/Sunday 17th/18th January 2026

What a stunning Melbourne summer weekend!

Saturday was supposed to be spent with a big group of ex workmates. I had organised back in October for a belated Christmas catch up for lunch in the city and 9 out of 10 of us could attend! I messaged everyone in the group chat to remind them about the the lunch in the week of our lunch but it took the day before to have 3 people cancel and 2 others not confirm. Seriously! This was booked 3 months in advanced but it took them the day before ro tell me they couldn't make it?

I don't know why people have such problems with communication because cancelling last minute is so disrespectful. I asked everyone else what they wanted to do but got non committal responses so I just cancelled it. I'm not going to put the effort to be accommodating to everyone when no one else puts any effort in.

So instead one of my friends in that group and I just went out for lunch ourselves. We caught up at the Studley Park boathouse in Kew and had a lovely lunch in the sun bitching and moaning and catching up with life. A super awesome day spent with her before I had a relaxing walk back home via Smith St in Collingwood and through the Fitzroy Gardens. There were people out and about and relaxing on the lawn and so many painters with their easels set up to do some landscape artwork!

Sunday was spend with one of my closest friend for lunch at Suzie Q on Chapel Street in Prahran. Some of the best Chinese I've eat! The salt and pepper tofu was yo die for! And another afternoon spent catching up on life, careers, family and health. We've been friends for 19 years and is probably the only friend I have that I can be so open with.

I always have this mindset that I don't have friends and that no one likes me, but this weekend was spent with two amazing people who will always have my back and support through everything. I am forever grateful to have them by my side.

[diariesofanobody]

Monday 12th January 2026

The start of the week is always tough. Coming from the weekend and having to start a new work week!

But its always balances out with my Monday dance class! The class entails learning a new dance routine based on a particular song. We are currently doing a 3 class session for Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance".

I've been doing these classes for most of the 2nd half of last year and I love it! I love our instructor, I love the other class members (and two of them photo bombing my mirror selfie above lol) and its just a fun night!

There is nothing I love more than dancing. I've never had lessons in any particular style and I probably am better freestyle than following a routine but moving my body to music just heals the soul! Most of my dancinv is done more on a nightclub dancefloor but a choreographed dance routine also hits the spot!

[diariesofanobody]

Sunday 11th January 2026

My new year resolution at the start of 2025 was to try to read for at least 15 minutes a day. I grew up being such a bookworm and spending most of my waking hours reading before the age of 21. But then I got to live life and I didn't really have the time to read.

I occasional get back into it and sometimes manage to finish a great book in a week and sometimes it takes me over 10 years to finish one (mission finally accomplished to finish "We Need To Talk About Kevin" by Lionel Shriver).

So last year I finished 4 books which wasn't too bad.

11 days into 2026 and I've already finished these two books lol. So this is how much free time I have when I'm not addictive doom scrolling through Instagram all day and night! This social media blackout has been difficult but at least I'm getting a lot of reading done.

Luckily I've started with an easy author, Emily Henry. I know many people who love lots of range of book genres, from fantasy to crime, but I actually like novels about everyday people. Its weird that I escape life by going into other people's normal lives. Its kinda like how I play the SIMS. I'm still a cheapskate in the game and I still prioritise socialising more than career, just like real life 😂 No fantasising an outlandish career or getting married and having kids here!

I've got to do some more research of what's good in the literacy world. I'm much more about depth of characters. I'm also mentally in the mood for something funny, romantic and light.

I'm extremely proud of myself, so looking forward to seeing how many books I actually manage to get through my the end of the year.

[diariesofanobody]

A NOBODY - Definition: not anyone; not a person. 

A nobody is often how I feel on a regular basis in this world. I don't just mean in the context of not feeling important or feeling ignored. I mean in the context of not even feeling like I'm real... where people can't physically see me and even realise I exist.

Now I've always lived a loner lifestyle. Originally not by choice, but after heartbreaks, losses and distrust, I found it easier to live life on my own terms. That of course has it's own pros and cons. The pros is that if I want to do something, I just do. I go out to dinner, watch a movie, go to a concert, travel, etc. I do it without judgement or compromising for other people. The cons of course is that my actual friends and acquaintances, don't necessarily think about me either if they decide to do something I might actually like as well. My loner mentally though protects me and I try to not take it personally.

I actually am a nice friend and I do many things to build good friendships but I'm also my worst enemy as I always think the worst and always expect to get hurt. My internal thoughts makes me feel unimportant so I protect myself by continuing my loner way of life.

But even in my loner life, I can still feel like a nobody. Do you know what it's like to watch people stare right through you and attempt to walk towards you like you're not there? Like, literally trying to walk through you and they look shocked that you bumped into them like "where did I come from?"... yep that's me.

Do you know what it's like to see two people approach and greet each other, one in front of me and one behind me and have a conversation while I'm standing in the middle of them almost body to body? No one acknowledging the awkward fact that me, a stranger is even there?... yep that's me.

Do you know what it's like to be at a gig early, where there is still plenty of floor space around me but people still choose the spot directly in front of me to stand? I don't mean a metre ahead. I mean close enough that if I stuck my tongue out I would easily lick some part of their body.... yep that's me.

My happy place is meant to be with my own presence, but even there, strangers can still make me feel like a piece of shit. Actually... no, because people would notice shit. I feel like a ghost. I actually often joke to some people that I'm actually just a figment of their imagination that only they can see me because that is how it feels sometimes.

Feeling ignored always feels horrible, but this is next level. It's feeling like I don't even exist in the first place. And as someone who has had severe depression for 35 years of her life, this feeling can often be overwhelming. At particularly bad times, it justifies my thoughts of ending my life because I don't really exist anyway do I?

[diariesofanobody]

Reading "You and Me on Vacation" by Emily Henry and boy did this paragraph pop out to me. I felt every line....

I never feel like my true self when I'm around people. I tailor myself to suit the people I'm with because I care too much about people liking me and not being a loser of disappointment.

I feel most myself and the safest on my own and have embraced my loner life. But its when I travel when I feel the most free and true to myself. No one knows me and the judgement of strangers who I'll never aee again doesn't feel heavy like it does at home.

[diariesofanobody]

Saturday 10th January 226

Round ball football is a sport I grew up with all my life. I've loved it since I was 13 years old watching the English Premier League on SBS.

Today I follow the Australian A-League competition and went to watch my team, Melbourne Victory play against Western Sydney Wanderers. There was a strange eeriness at the game though as a smokey haze from the fires was clearly making their way into Melbourne. How can something look so beautiful over something so tragic?

[diariesofanobody]

Friday 9th January 2026

Living in a country that is so prone to severe fires during the summer is always such a scary ordeal. But Victoria has had such droughts through most of regional Victoria for the past couple of years that a fire catastrophe was bound to happen this summer.

When my boyfriend and I drove to Corryong to spend Christmas with his family, we could see the level of drought in the area. Particularly driving around Lake Hume and seeing how dry it was.

A week later in the safety of our home in Melbourne, we wait for news from my boyfriend's family as we watch the Walwa fire burn through the north of Victoria and so close to Corryong. Everyone has been evacuated although we knew they were staying for a while before they finally left in the safer grounds of the other side of the NSW border.

There're fires burning everywhere in Victoria. I've spent today following up friends from all around the outer skirts of Melbourne to ensure they are all okay.

The 2019 fires still feels like yesterday and even Black Saturday doesn't feel like it was 16 years ago. I feel so unable to do anything g to help those in need.

[diariesofanobody]

Thursday 8th January 2026

First week after Mew Year week is still so quiet at work. So many people still on leave so all emails I was waiting for a reply back on, I'm still waiting. This means work is pretty quiet at the moment. Not complaining because getting paid to do nothing is great, but having to come into the office and do nothing is a pain!

Today I got to work from home which at least means I get to be more productive from a personal life perspective. I got stared at by my cat, Ginny and I stood behind my PC and re-did some cable management.

Looking so much neater after some cable hooks and cables ties! The problem is that my desk is so cluttered because I like to add my personality to it. My favourite being my custom made boyband Funk Pop Vinyls with JC from NSYNC, Kevin from BSB, Bonnie from NKOTB and Toad from Super Mario Bros lol.

[diariesofanobody]

Wednesday 7th January 2026

Almost 47,000 photos of my life on my computer covering about the last 20 years of my life.... and this is why backing up your computer is important! I definitely need to do this morning often than I currently so. So much nolstagia why looking at what I have stored. Literally my life during my 20s, 30s and now 40s.

And I lived during the early days of digital cameras!

[diariesofanobody]

Callum Scott's "Dancing On My Own" is a stunning song but I only recently found out it's a cover! Robyn is the original artist and now that I've listened to her version I really like both interpretations from both artists.

But I definitely have a soft spot for Callum's version now that I've also watched his Britain's Got Talent audition with this song! Such vulnerability from the get go! Its so beautiful and even sadder composition.

I think I've relistened to this song 5 time today already and just wanna cry 🥺😭

[diariesofanobody]

Tuesday 6th January 2026

I get this beautiful gleam of sunshine at my desk at work every morning... around 10am the sun trickles in and sparkles in my eye.