Janaina Medeiros
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Death
Dreaded and feared ,the journey's end The end waiting for everyone to descend Nothing can evade this inevitable Not even spared the Eve's son , Abel Killing people every second every breath Oh death, the invincible death
Striking at the most unforeseeable moment Cause misery as the sad bestowment Reap the souls out, carry them, you envoy Multiple souls reaped for the eventual convoy Each heartbeat, the sound of deadly stealth Here it comes, the invincible death
The cycle repeats: Depression
This isn’t going to be a good post. I know it. I know that it’s probably only me who would be reading this text. This post comes after a long time. There was no need previously to post. I was happy and my life was good. Meeting friends and hanging out with people made me better. But I think that changed me. My introverted side had been finished. I slowly became an extrovert. But past few days have been difficult. My real side has been begging to come out. The reason : I think I have lost everything now. My friends.My best friend. My goal. My so called purpose of life. I don’t know the exact reason of all this but all things can’t be wrong. There must have been a common point of failure in all these and guess what, that it’s me. What do you do when you have no one you can discuss all that’s going in that seemingly small but infinitely large head of yours. Things boil up. I think this time I am more depressed than last time and I don’t have a way out. Last time I had some people who supported me but this time I am alone in this pile of shit. And it’s so deep , I don’t think there is a way out.I am feeling like I need to be alone , away from people for a while. I can’t tolerate happiness around me. I have started depending on marijuana to cope with it which might be sending me more into depression when I am not high. It’s tough.I don’t think I am suicidal but that thought often comes in my mind.I haven’t dreamt of jumping from car when it’s moving or shooting myself so often ever before. I hope this won’t be my last post.I just hope. And remember if I die before writing another post, consider this my end note. Maybe this life just isn’t for me. Not everybody gets to live.
A strange Friday
So, a friend of mine, lets call her X wanted to try marijuana. I am a regular pot smoker so, I didn’t mind her smoking up. I was a little hesitant but after asking her many times of how sure she was and thinking that it’s fine for her to smoke it, I agreed. So this friday evening, we went out and i made a joint and we smoked up. It was a peculiar moment as she was smoking it for the first time and it was daytime and people could see us smoking. But as the darkness descended, she got high. Now, if you have ever smoked weed, you would know that how it makes you feel all light headed and numb and just relaxed. X took it the wrong way. She got into what we call a Bad Trip. She started panicking and she thought I had drugged her to take advantage of her. Maybe somewhere past experiences of her made her that way that moment. She was panicking and asking me to take her home and wanted to call her friend. I didn’t know what to do; I myself was high! I calmed myself down and then tried calming her but she wasn’t! The look on her face, the face of being afraid, the face of her trust getting broken, the face of doing some sort of mistake again, the face of some sort of disgust for me was just too much. It was like i am some kind of evil sitting in the car. I really didn’t know how to react. I tried to make some jokes to calm the situation but to no avail. I started taking her home while her panic attack continues in intervals of time. She realized later that what she had done and kept on apologizing but the deed was done. I don’t blame her for what happened. it must have been related to something in her past and somehow it came out from nowhere. So i told her that it was fine but i had to tell her that the relationship was impacted. Why wouldn’t it be? I can’t get her afraid face, the face of being afraid of me and her trust for me breaking down out of my head. It’s strange how you trust someone to trust you and they show they trust you because they think they do but deep inside, they don’t. Well, I found my new haunting though and will need some days of break, I guess!Overall, it was a very new and strange experience for me and I had to pen it down.
If you are X and have read this story, please don’t mind this story. You are still awesome.
The sad checklist
Here are some golden rules people broke against me:
Never break the trust of the person who trust you the most
Never forget the person who always remember you
Never misuse the one who likes you
Never underestimate the one who stays silent
Never be busy to someone who really needs you
Never lie about friendship to someone
Never ....
Was the change good or bad?
Again, my conscious wanders as I sit to ponder. I think about times I was happy and my reactions to those times and analyse the brevity of those times. This will be like one of my old confused write-ups. Let’s analyse my last year. How was I like and how I changed! I was an introvert who loved to be in his own company and the ambition was just to be happy. Money never used to matter to me and I was perfect with my solitude. But as my job began, when I lost “her”, things turned out to be different. I loved sad music. I loved melancholia Now initially i maintained my introvert side in office but the social antics of the office quickly took over. I was forced to socialize by people as they kept pestering me. People started to socialize with me even in the cab. Initially I did and had my solitude during different intervals of the day but slowly I started changing. I started socializing. I started changing. “I liked this new me but I was losing me”. So, it was like when I was socializing I didn’t care about anyone or anything but when I was alone, I started thinking how much time I wasted. How much time was wasted for worthless gossiping while I could just have slipped away in the enchantments of music or thoughts of philosophy. Within the span of an year, I have tried to become my old self again but I guess that is lost somewhere.Sometimes the guilt takes over when I am happy. I know it sounds weird but it’s the truth. I have developed a feeling that happiness is futile as it’s for a short span of time followed by a long period of despair. I feel guilty of murdering my old identity. . I am a confused human between the line of introverts and extroverts and keeps on jumping between the two. I want to return to my old, happy home but that home is nowhere to be found. I want to break free from these clutches of society and live with my peace and hope i would be able to do so if I get the chance
Depression.
I’m here for you if you need me.
Trust is always meant to be broken. If you trust someone, you have signed the agreement to have your trust broken. Don't act so surprised when it does.
Dhruv Jain
The Cancer
Under sweet Cancer’s healing hands spring now makes place For summer and its burning haze Nature is now fully awake Under nurturing Cancer, concerned for human’s sake Do you see the crabs glittering rosy shell? Family you treasure most Making a truly formidable host And under your healing hand Many a health is well regained Watch the crabs rosy shell, glittering in the moonlight.
Under the rule oft he moon, silvery light You well enjoy the time of night And while you read people well Yet there’s something I need to tell Oh crab with the glittering rosy shell.
Your shell is a protection good But sometimes you need to come outside If you get over fear and wound Sweet crab! You’ll be healer greatest in the world! Crab, crab, with your glittering rosy shell!
Source - https://zodiacrealm7.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/cancer-poem/
The limbic confusion
Do you know what limbic refers to? Our brain has a limbic system which contains the code for our emotional behavior. It is the mastermind behind our feelings of sadness and happiness..love and hate.. But i wonder what hormones are responsible for feeling love and hatred for the same person! What does brain does when you actually miss someone you know you shouldn't but you still do and it's not in your control. Why does brain releases these kinds of memories which are directed to hurt us in an indirect way. I think this might be related to self harming nature of a person. It seems so brain is harming you as subconsciously you wished to and brain does this job good enough. But while all these things happen so does love happen. You remember the good old days and feel happy.. You have tears which are made of joy, nostalgia, sadness, love, hate and pain. How does one define this particular instance. Which part of brain is responsible for messing things this much. Is there a way to sort out this limbic confusion and live in peace?
The Deaf boy and El Tio
The story is about a deaf boy who runs away from an abusive home and finds a stray dog to accompany him. While living on the street, he discovers he can see how peoples lives are troubled, and can heal them with powerful screams described to be similar to an earthquake or volcanic eruption. One day, he meets an old man who was being yelled at and stoned by the villagers. By screaming, the boy solves his problems and revives the heart of old man. Together, they then find a disfigured man who is facing prejudice from his community. After being cured, it's discovered that the man is a prophet who was cursed by a demon called El Tio because he left a community he had gained control over. After the man left the community, El Tio cast a curse on the city that forced them to commit suicide. As a group, they journey to the empty city in search of El Tio, who lives in a cave just outside the town. Once they arrive, only the boy can enter the cave without falling under El Tio's control. When the deaf boy comes face to face with the demon, he begins screaming so that no one else can fall under his curse. The old man, the prophet, and the dog then leave the city and their friend behind to scream for eternity.
People who commit suicide are strong or weak?
Hi, I know i haven’t been active lately but my job and some issues took over me. But let’s talk on a topic I was thinking about today - " People who commit suicide are strong or weak?”
Let us start by thinking of someone suffering from cancer. He dies by multiple organ failure. Would you call that person weak?
Someone is suffering from heart disease. He gets a heart attack and dies. Would you consider him weak?
People have known to die from excruciating physical pain too. Would you call them weak?
No!
Even considering that people who died from above were weak. Cancer patients are considered strong for their fighting spirit, knowing how tough chemotherapy is. Same is the case for a person who commits suicide. The people who commit suicide may do so for alot of different reasons, but generally they are not cowards or lacking in character. Such people can get worn down over years of difficulties and despair, so they may at that point be weak in terms of going on, but no one is exempt from feeling the same way under similar circumstances.
Over 90 percent of the people who die by suicide have a mental illness at the time of their death and thus they are not thinking clearly, and they usually are experiencing excruciating emotional pain. They are people who cannot see other options and are fixated on only one preconceived solution. Some people suffer so much that its impossible for them to resist the thought of death or killing themselves.
As per http://suicide.org , clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and other mental illnesses can cause people to do many things that they would never do if they were not ill, including die by suicide. So “weakness” has NOTHING to do with suicide.
Think about it this way - how hard is it to go against the tide of nature. It’s tough. So a person who considers suicide is so mentally disturbed that the person goes against the nature and against the natural extinct to live and put a hole in the head.
People say, it’s never the only option, that the therapists can help but many suicide cases have been to therapists. Even therapy could not save them. Can you imagine how much serious trouble they would have been?
In no way I am supporting suicide. I am against it and I highly recommend anyone who thinks he or she is suicidal to at least give their lives a shot and try therapy. But using an incorrect word like “weakness” perpetuates the strong stigma associated with suicide. And uttering such an ignorant word in association with suicide is extremely disrespectful and hurtful to suicide survivors and those who have departed.
Suicide is not an act of weakness; it is an act stemming from a serious mental illness, and the words we use in association with suicide should reflect that fact.
Damn.. She is here
Yes.. That was my expression when i saw her today.. Let me get you guys or my future self up to speed.. She came back a week ago.. Last we had talked was over 2weeks ago and that was weird talk...so i messaged her last week and it was a few sentence talk full of taunts.. And i was back to start.. I thought i would see her on Saturday when i went to college for registration but then i came to know she would be coming the next day.. And then i came early today thinking of seeing her.. Met some friends.. And then someone mentioned that she came.I know i wantes to meet her but i ran away.. I was going out from college when I met her on the college gate.. And you know my expression when i saw her.. We exchanged greetings and left.. I was just another person now. I feel like a fucked up pile of dog shit right now. Lets see how i recover this time... Till then.. Time to wet my pillow..
“Some do drugs, others go for a run. But in the end, we’re all just searching for that tiny space, perhaps a hole, that gives us shelter from the terrible reality of the world.”
