A few weeks ago, I broke one of my cardinal dating rules: never date an old flame.
Most people would agree with this, stating some people are just meant for a season….If it didn’t work out the first time, how do you expect it to work out this time? Blah, Blah, and Blah.
This guy is an old boyfriend from my single days. I know, I know…
I remember being instantly attracted to him the first time I laid eyes on him. He has these eyes that I cannot resist. He is quirky, goofy, and everything that I love in a man. We dated for several months before he decided to split. I won’t get into the gory details, but I was devastatingly heart broken. I was so angry with him that I said cruel things about him to my friends in a very public place (Myspace…yep, it’s been that long). Then, ignored any and all contact he tried to make with me, all the while still feeling very deep feelings for him.
About 8 months or so ago, he friend requested me on Facebook and I had finally accepted it. I pretty much ignored most of anything he posted. It was none of my business and also I was not in a place emotionally to even acknowledge him any further. Until a few weeks ago.
He posted some funny things on Facebook, but I was reading something much more deep into them. I had a sense of him needing someone to talk to. I don’t know if I was right, but that doesn’t matter right now.
So, I opened up messenger and sent him a quick message, very platonic, innocent. By time I got to asking about his kids, he stopped me to apologize for how he treated me at the end of our relationship. And then, like the river flood gates opening during massive spring rains… my heart once again flooded with emotion for him that never really died. I questioned the fuck out of my feelings. I really did.
A day later we talked some more, pretty much keeping it platonic until that evening, when I psuedo-explained to him the dynamics of my marriage. I didn’t come out immediately as poly. I basically just told him I’m allowed to talk to guys and gals in anyway I saw fit…and if he wanted to sext, that would be cool with me. That was a bit awkward as I never really sext, not even with my husband. I think we talked for 30 minutes about what we would do if we were ever to meet again… and it went back to innocent conversation. The next day, after having a frank discussion with my husband, I decided to push a little further for indication that he would be opposed to my lifestyle. Again, I wasn’t disappointed. He said he would love an opportunity to be able to make things right with me….and then he laid out the bombshell…He never quit loving me. Leaving me was one of the biggest mistakes of his life 9 years ago and he wished to be able to take it back.
I, of course, don’t see it as a mistake. He has had 9 years to grow, change, and mature with life experiences. He had another child while not with me, which is something he would not have had with me. (I pretty much had been petitioning my gyn to give me a tubal ligation for months…it took a year to get him to agree). Pretty much the good, the bad, and the ugly happened to him while we were not together.
Since the beginning of us talking, I’ve fallen harder for him than I think I had the first time around….mostly because of his honesty and truly mature growth. I admitted to him I never stopped loving him, but I pushed that shit so far down and behind such thick walls that it allowed me for years not to feel it’s presence, but it was there.
I’ve been to his apartment once and it seriously was the most comfortable feeling I ever had on a first date. It was almost like those 9 years between us seeing each other never existed. And I fell harder. I must be crazy, right? I don’t know… this feels absolutely right to me.
We will only get to see eachother biweekly and once a month will be an overnight stay. He lives quite a distance from me, every two weeks he has his kiddos, and my husband’s work hours does not allow me to go often (I still have children who need supervision), plus I need time with the hubs as well! Besides… my husband works nights and my boyfriend works days. Just doesn’t work out that often I’ll have someone to care for the kids.
This time around, I refuse to put my child in a place where they can be hurt, emotionally, by someone leaving…. like our last relationship. The last break up… Our triad breakup hurt more than just my husband and I. I don’t ever want to see my child go through that again.
I am excited by the possibilities of this new (yet old) relationship. I’m excited to reopen my heart to this man. I’m so happy we are back to practicing being poly again! I am hopeful again!
