diary of b.h.

words sent into the void

[lum1ey]

[diaryofbh]

everytime i cut a tomato i am reminded of standing in the kitchen watching my mom cut the end of it off (a slice with no seeds) and she looked at me and told me that this was her favorite part even though no one ever thinks to eat it. then she sprinkled salt on top of it and told me to try it, i took a bite and remember the smile on her face when she realized i liked it too. i always eat the ends of tomatoes with salt sprinkled on them. nothing extraordinary, but a way that helps me remember the little things about her.

[diaryofbh]

so

i’ve known him for a week (one week)

and we went on one date, and then hung out etc. around 4 times getting to know each other/hooking up (but nothing all the way)

it felt like it had promise

and then we had sex

and i didnt have a super great time, just pleasure wise

part of it was because i wasn’t vocal about what i wanted

but also, the paths of communication weren’t open on either ends of this...he never asked or spoke or whatever

so i ended up overthinking and basically self loathing and regretting it all, even though i did enjoy his company and his personality

so then a couple days later when he basically cornered me, sensing that something was wrong and not giving up without an answer, i felt that it was kind of a forced situation to tell him how i felt

and that worked but also didn’t work

it worked in the sense that i finally took a step in advocating for myself in what i want and what i need with regard to relationships (in a sexual context) which i have NEVER done before really

but it didn’t work in the sense that he basically took it as a complete shot to his masculinity and ability and could only focus on that which bred a lot of isecurity and harsh/brash/upset reactions

which is understandable and i get that i put a lot of pressure on him in the event that we do end up trying to have sex again...

but also, i should not feel bad or guilty for speaking what i needed to say and advocating for myself and my relational/sexual needs and wants because i have basically never done that before

thats huge

so in conclusion, i felt that i left the ball in his court. but i might also need to spell out the fact that if he wants to talk about it more with me he can.

lastly, it seems to me like a lot of stuff needs to be sort out and thought about and discussed i with others on his end before anything progresses further with this

im really fucking proud of myself

even if i cried in front of a boy that i’ve known for a week, even if it didn’t play out how i hoped, even if he never speaks to me again....

no regrets

i said what i said and im not going to apologize for that

[diaryofbh]

i want to write you a letter so badly

pen and paper like we used to do

but i reread your last texts to me and you said you have nothing left to say or talk about

which makes me think that i wouldn’t be writing the letter for the right reasons

i would be writing the letter for me, about me, to you

i want to have learned something from this and writing the letter would just prolong me having to accept what i don’t want to face

i don’t know how you’re dealing with this because what people post only tells a fraction of the story and i won’t know the whole thing unless you tell me

which you won’t

and the worst part is, i’ve only told two other people about this (which maybe you have gathered)

but would you expect any different?

you’re the one i used to tell everything to, not them

and now i’m at a loss

but i’m going to try (to be open, to feel, to share, to be accepting)

perhaps its all in the hope of one day getting you back, but i know that i can’t hope for or expect that

i just hope you know that i love you forever

always.

[diaryofbh]

i started seeing my school psychologist

i’ve scratched the surface most of it all. but we only have 8 more sessions left before i have to make a decision. 

i think i also went into the experience hoping to come out w a course of action or suggestions on what i should do next. but it’s turning out to be a lot of telling and retelling and reflection. 

i don’t want to make any judgements bc i’ve just started it all. just don't know how to feel.

maybe thats good?

[diaryofbh]

at. a loss. for.....everything

[diaryofbh]

I think you're getting lust and love confused

not sure when i received this ask but thanks for your opinion i guess

you’re probably right

however, maybe i want both? i also don’t think i’ll know what love (or lust, honestly) is/feels like until i’m in the moment that it’s happening

[diaryofbh]

i haven't been writing.

neither on here or in my journal.

and im frustrated with myself to be honest, because this has always been a way to collect my thoughts, talk it all out or just write it all down and then forget. but because i haven't been writing, i haven't been able to do all of that. its all stuck up there in my brain. when then leads to long nights spent scrolling, thinking, wondering, longing.

now i don't always want these posts to be about how im desperate and i want love (and maybe im still a bit heartbroken, but i can never really tell, even though it only comes in waves). but this one might end up being just that.

i haven't figured it out yet, i think i’ll let it be what i want it to be.

there have been a million things going on at the same time for quite a while now. which is probably part of the reason why i haven't been writing. but thats also not to say that i’ve been wasting a lot of that time scrolling or starting at my phone screen not being productive when i could, in fact, be using this time to write. or maybe even do that work that i know needs to be done.

i’m finding myself toeing the line a lot recently. pushing the boundaries to see how far i can go and still make it out alive and with a pleasing result. but i need to keep reminding myself that this shit isn’t going to cut it for much longer. this tactic has only worked out of sheer luck alone, there is no positive aspects about this routine. and its a really bad habit that needs to be broken. because it will not serve me well in whatever life i create for myself.

thats another thing thats been on my mind. my future, particularly career plans. and im realizing that i’ve set myself up for a lot more work ahead, a lot more school, and even when im done with school, my work will require a lot of effort and dedication (not that other jobs don’t per se, but looking at it from afar it just seems like a lot to be doing for the rest of your life). and now i’m second guessing if its really what i want to do? and if i don’t, what else will i do? or will i be able to pick up a hobby (will i have TIME?) that will keep me satiated/sane enough in my regular job. i don’t know who i am and i don’t know what i want. i am very unsure.

but i’m running out of time to figure it out.

[diaryofbh]

“lips so good, i forget my name”

what is must be like to be so infatuated and enthralled in someone that you could forget the very title you’ve been calling yourself for your entire life. i want to feel breathless in someones presence, so affected by them just being there in front of me that i forget how to act. 

and to be honest, i’m getting a bit tired of waiting.

i’m sure i could temporarily satiate my need for affection and attention fairly easily. by just putting myself out there or responding to some of the hungry eyes. but i want the meaning behind all of it too. i want the first kiss to be exciting and thrilling, how i remember it being in high school. i want some build up, some mystery, someTHING. something tangible. 

and i’m beginning to think that waiting is the only way to get that. “good things come with time” as they say.

doesn’t make it any less sucky in the moment

[diaryofbh]

for real tho.....who tryna DATE the FUCK outta me??????!

[diaryofbh]

i NEED to be ***** *** by someone until i *** !!!!!!!!! ASAP !!!!!!!!

[inahiddenplace]

how to let go of someone

1. realize they don’t care about you anymore. realize they don’t really care if you hold onto them or not. realize you’re not really all that important to them.

2. get sad. 

3. get angry.

4. become lonely. miss them dearly. remember how it felt to laugh with them. remember how it felt to make them smile. remember how you thought they’d always be in your life. remember how you felt they were all you needed. miss them dearly.

5. watch a new tv show from start to finish. try to find ways to make eggs more interesting. put too much cayenne pepper in your eggs. take a walk. find new people, laugh new laughs, discover new music. keep doing this for as long as it takes. shed off the skin you wore when you were with them. become something new, something they wouldn’t entirely recognize.

6. miss them dearly, during quiet summer nights where the air is too humid and you’re feeling particularly nostalgic.

7. get angry, for brief periods, wondering why they let you go so easily.

8. get angry, for brief periods, wondering why you let them go so easily.

9. live as normally as you can, for a long period of time.

10. run into them on the street, send them a random message, recieve a random message from them. talk for a bit, realize you don’t know them anymore. dig down desperately for the love you used to have for them. find nothing but pleasant apathy.

11. realize you don’t care about them anymore. realize you don’t really care if they had held onto you or not. realize they’re not really all that important to you. realize you’ve grown too far apart. realize you love who they were, what they gave to you before. realize that person who you love isn’t the person standing in front of you. realize you let them go, somewhere in all the in between, without even noticing. say goodbye to them, move on.

(12. wonder, sometimes, even still, if things could’ve been different, if you could’ve held on, if you still can, if it would make any difference. think these things, and then forget them.)

[diaryofbh]

this reblog is for my future self, for when she needs it, or when she stumbles upon it and is forced to reflect

[diaryofbh]

it’s christmas (not technically because it’s 1 in the morning but we’re going to ignore that part) and i just finished reading part 3, san clemente syndrome, from call me by your name. as i went upstairs to get ready for sleep, you popped into my head. completely unwarranted. and then the songs of sam smith that i heard earlier on in the night popped in there too. a little twinge of sadness was what resulted. as i was taking my makeup off, removing the face i choose to present to everyone, i longed for a love like elio and olivers, however fleeting it was. those moments would mean everything to me. you probably never would’ve (could’ve) given that to me, I'm not afraid to admit it. but it stings to think that maybe one day you’ll give that kind of love and affection to someone else.

[diaryofbh]

I've come to realize that i haven't had passionate sex. and by passionate i mean the scenes that you see in movies where some sort of overwhelming urge comes over the both of them and they literally just pounce each other. everything is so emotionally and sexually charged it feels like its the end of the world if you don't fuck this person. i want that. i want to have the urge to just jump someone and rip their clothes off. i want to feel that passionately about someone that the only thing i can think about is having them right then and there. i want that so bad. because that kind of act is done out of pure lust. i crave lust. 

[diaryofbh]

what things used to be has ended and i was in a weird place and i still am, currently don’t know what im doing or what i want to be doing sometimes i catch myself thinking about you and missing what we used to have, but then i remember that towards the end it wasn’t like that at all i’ve realized that i want the beginning back, because after that things got messy. but i know that realistically that’s never going to happen, and unfortunately you’re not the person i thought you were and idolized you to be. maybe that was a good thing to figure out hopefully in the future i won’t be longing for those memories and moments to be back, but to remember them and accept that they’re over more change is coming, im not ready yet

[diaryofbh]

haha sike! u really thought @ past me!!! but guess what?? over a year later and ur still not over it!! what the fuck is wrong with you

[diaryofbh]

my body has never been at this state ever before and i don’t know how to deal with it i have never been this size and i really can't handle it i want to go back to how i was and how i used to look i loved myself then

[diaryofbh]

I feel so fat I look so fat everytime I look in the mirror all I see is how big I look it makes me sick I feel so disgusting but I can't stop myself from eating like shit and I HATE MYSELF