The Disappearance of Butch
I wanted to make a post about an alarming trend for a while, and I’ve decided to do just that. I’m talking about the sudden diminished presence of butch lesbians and the huge rise in nonbinary/genderqueer/trans men in relation to that. Something I’ve witnessed firsthand and has had negative effects on my self image. To be clear, this post is for all gender non-conforming females. I want all the people described above to read this, because we understand each other.
To give you a little backstory - ever since I could dress myself, I’ve been gender non-conforming. I stole my older brother’s clothes and cut my hair short as soon as my mother would let me. Skirts/dresses/”feminine clothing” has always made me feel uncomfortable in a way I couldn’t describe as a child/teenager. Similar to the way I hated the color pink because I felt it was imposing something on me I didn’t want. Pink is now my favorite color, but I’ve only gotten more masculine as I’ve gotten older. My hair has gradually gotten shorter (I shaved it off completely three times). I don’t shave my body hair - I enjoy how it looks on me. I went from being “futch” to wearing almost exclusively men’s clothing. You wouldn’t catch me dead in a dress and heels. I like boxers, and flannels, and ties. I also enjoy taking a dominant role in my relationships. My fiancee is such a femme. I adore that about her. I love picking dresses out for her and painting her nails and putting her extensions in and just about anything I can do to serve her. I love being her contrast, and being bigger than her, and carrying her to the bed.
Another important thing to mention - I experience sex dysphoria. I was a victim of rape and forced pregnancy by rape at 15. Sometimes I find it very hard to enjoy my body, or see it as myself, and don’t want to be touched as a result. I also suffer from long-term depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
By all accounts and definitions of transgender activists, I am a trans man. I “feel” masculine. I experience dysphoria.
I feel it is important to say that none of these things make me a man.
But I’ll be damned if I don’t understand it. I look at trans men and other gnc females and I feel for you. I get it. Womanhood never seemed to fit, did it? It was too hard to fit into such a soul-stripping mould. You look at feminine women and feel you’re not anything like them. It makes you feel like an outsider. Don’t you feel so free when strangers call you sir, young man, etc? It’s safer. You can walk around alone at night if you pick the right clothes that hide your frame, strengthen your voice, walk with a swagger. Girls look at you. Men don’t.
I want you to know that you’re not an outsider or another gender for any of this. You don’t have to be feminine or like men or feel good about yourself to be a woman. I know it feels like a loophole. It’s not. If you’re not transitioned, most people will be able to see you are female, and will use this against you. Once they realize the respect in their voice instantly drops. Or they’re uncomfortable, or they glare at you. Some of them will wish violence on you. Some of them will perform it.
This is not transphobia. It is misogyny. You will be hated for the fact that you’re not performing woman “correctly”. I know you feel that if you defy this and say, “I’m a man, not a woman.” you are destroying their ideas and expectations. You are not. You are reinforcing the idea that someone who is masculine is a man. You are reinforcing the idea that a woman only looks or acts a certain way.
And so with the recent wave in trans activism, I have watched other butch women seemingly disappear off the face of the earth. When I approach them at public events I’ve shortly been told that this person is not a “she”. When seeking out LGBT media like books or movies, I have watched the gnc female characters say they don’t feel like a woman and take themselves away from that. When I was still dating, before I met my fiancee, I would approach women and be excited she was butch like me. They’d then tell me to call them they or he and detached themselves from what I was. I’ve had my heart leap and fall in five seconds flat over this. I’ve been desperately seeking myself in other women and have been hard-pressed to find her. Lesbian spaces are being attacked for being “non-inclusive” (cough AfterEllen cough Michfest). The very places I would go to find people like me.
I understand being swept up in this trans culture as a gnc woman. Hell, you have an actual community that’s supportive of you and abundant. As a butch lesbian, the only community I’ve been able to find is other radical feminist blogs and man is it exhausting to be constantly steeped in politics. I know it’s exhausting for all of us, but we do it anyway, because we have to fight for our right to exist in our own community. A community we created.
If you are a female (I use this word to refer to sex) who is feeling like you cannot belong in womanhood, I want to tell you the opposite. I want to say I know what you’re going through. I’ve been there. I would say be brave.
Because letting yourself be a woman despite all that you’ve felt and faced is the most courageous thing you can do. I won’t lie to you, it’s hard. It hurts. But there will be girls after you who feel the same and you need to be there to demonstrate the strength of butch women. To show them that they are not alone and it’s ok to simply be who they are.