Every Letter is Important, AL East edition
Baltimore Orioles
Bu Norris, SP, Orioles: The friendliest ghost in the league, Norris is just the latest spirit to pass through Baltimore’s system (Boo Powell, Buce Chen).
Jonathan Shoop, 3B, Orioles :Why does the Curacao product love Salt-n-Pepa so much? It’s none of your business!
Demon Young, UT, Orioles: Not to be confused with the similarly-named player who once threw a bat at an umpire in the minor leagues.
Boston Red Sox
Mike Cap, UT: Like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit, he only takes his hat off for one thing. Actually, not even then. He never removes his cap. Rumors about this have followed him since Cap’s early days. Some suspect that he has some kind of horrible ringworm or growth on his scalp. Others think he might be an Orthodox Jew. Still others think the cap plays a critical role in his nervous system and that he is physically unable to remove it.
Andrew Miler, RP: His off-season training regimen consists solely of short-distance running. Feels alienated by the Marathon every year.
Gray Sizemore, OF: Color blindness makes him a liability in clubhouse games of Twister. When reporters ask him about the challenge of defending the Green Monster, he gets confused and pretends to not understand the language.
New York Yankees
Cesar Cabra, RP: This mysterious (possibly mythical) creature lurks in rural parts of the Bronx, chomping up salad. Translates literally to “Romaine sucker.”
Presto Claiborne, RP: A big fan of magic, Claiborne was initially promoted to the majors just to serve as entertainment for CC Sabathia’s birthday party. In a trick gone awry, he made the big lefty’s velocity disappear. He is also a suspect in Jeter’s missing power.
David Helps, RP: Having trouble opening your pack of sunflower seeds? Just ask! Got an itch in the hard-to-reach part of your back? He’s your guy! Playing a day game after a night game, and running low on greenies? Hey, Helps is just happy to be in the bigs. He’ll hook you up.
Drek Jeter, SS: This player is rubbish. Just total crap. No reason for him to be in the league. Total embarrassment.
Tampa Bay Rays
Eva Longoria, 3B: Oddly, Eva’s Twitter profile mentions her acting, activism, and philanthropy, but not her baseball excellence. https://twitter.com/EvaLongoria
David Pric, SP: The least popular player on the team. Definitely someone to avoid in the locker room. When he’s not peeing on bare feet in the showers, he’s slapping butts with ghost pepper extract-laced towels.
Sea Rodriguez, UT: Has his own cooler in the dugout, filled with fresh seawater. Often unavailable for baseball activity because of toxic blood-salinity levels.
Toronto Blue Jays
Josh Hole, C: Lots of little boys like to dig holes. The Jays’ backup backstop never grew out of it. On-field proximity to the batters’ box gives is a blessing and a curse: his obsession with watching opposing hitters dig in at the plate and draw little designs in the dirt often leads to passed balls (and lobotomies).
Micer Izturis, 2B: Though his batting ability has been below average for several seasons, Micer sticks around because of his knack for sniffing out and destroying the Rogers Centre’s rodent population. “To catch a mouse, you have to think like a mouse,” reads a tattoo on his lower back. Inglourious Basterds is his favorite movie.
Doner Navarro, C: Doner’s pre-game ritual consists of sleeping in a lavash blanket, applying tomato and cucumber-based moisturizers, and shaving while upside down, suspended from the ceiling.