All of a sudden I looked up and I had 84 followers. I'm not sure that I have 84 real followers, but I'm pretty sure that I have at least 20 real ones that aren't my family. And for you, I'm writing this post.
So, I've been gone for a while. I'm not sure why. Well, maybe I do know why, but let's get to that in a minute.
So, what's been up? Well, from a health perspective, nothing much. I am still within 5 pounds of the weight that I was a year ago. It was basically a year ago when I stopped working out on a regular basis. Probably no correlation there. Yeah, right.
I posted a couple of days ago about emotional eating. I'm actually not a huge emotional eater. Except for chocolate. I tend to grab the minatures that they tend to have all over the office when I'm having trouble dealing with something. Lately that happens a lot.
I think that I'm pretty safe posting here, and if I'm not - fuck it. I'm beyond caring at this point. I don't think that anyone at work knows who I am on Tumblr, and if they do, oh well. What has been going on in my life aside from the normal life changing events (like a daughter getting married and another one leaving for college), is that the company that I work for, the company that I have invested the last years of my life in, the company where I expected I to spend my last day before I retire someday, was involved in a "merger" in July and as a result, my company has been stolen. Right out from under all of us. With this new huge company they are looking for "synergies" (GOD, I HATE THAT FUCKING WORD), and my company is effectively being closed.
All that bullshit that was going on during the election about giving tax breaks to small businesses so that they would hire more workers? Just that - BULLSHIT. Bottom line is that if the business owners want to make more money, they synergize. They consolidate. The owners get bigger paychecks and bigger bonuses and 170 people lose their jobs.
What makes this worse for me personally is that I'm actually one of the "lucky" ones. I've been in the know much longer than most, and I've been offered a position with the new company, in a new city. I should be happy and grateful, and to some degree I am, but mostly I just feel sick. I feel sick for the 160 other people that have poured their hearts into this company that won't have a place to go to. I feel sick that no one has even bothered to tell them yet, even though this decision was made months ago. I feel sick that I'm pretty sure they are hoping that a percentage of our employees will quit so they won't ever have to pay out the crappy severance package that they are dishing out.
So, for the last several months I have been working on "integration" and "transition" teams. Two more bullshit words that I've heard more than I ever want to again in my life. I've been putting together 1) fantasy budgets for appearances 2) real budgets that end before the end of the budget year. I've been asked to provide lists of when people should be let go and who needs to stay for the "good of the business". I've been training my new boss who didn't know anything about my business until she started working with me. I've been miserable.
I was talking with my husband tonight, crying again for about the 5th time today, and I did hit on something. I'm holding on too tight to what was. At this point though, I don't have anything career-wise to channel myself into. My new position isn't starting yet, and without that, I'm just sitting here holding on to what is familiar and safe.
[When I go to church (which has also dramatically stopped being a routine in the last year), I'm always impressed when the priest starts his sermon with some rather random thought and then talks for 20 minutes about wandering subjects and then comes full circle and hits you in the face with a variation of his original thought]
So, I'm holding on to what is familiar and safe. Isn't that kind of what we ALL do when we struggle to eat healthier, work out more, make a CHANGE? Why do we cling to what we know is making us unhealthy, even when we strive to be different?
I don't know. Just like I don't have the answer for why things are happening at my company the way the are, I also don't have the answer for why I can't seem to get off the recliner and back to the gym. But I know I have to; I've changed before, and I can do it again.
Thanks for hanging with me and reading my ramble. I'm not sure what the point was except that I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about this except my family, and I'm pretty sure they are all tired of hearing about it.
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