i would like to have an apartment or small home, where i could start a family and work on fostering relations between indonesia and australia through cooperation and exchange. i would like to eat a lot of duck, grow spinach, basil and cherry tomatos on the patio and spend the weekend reading and smoking thin cigarettes.
i'm frustrated at the way i let myself become so consumed by the way i feel. at the same time, i'm worried about the fear and desperation clinging over my ribcage, making me nauseous whenever i notice that it's there.
a revolting body that is being cut into small and smaller chunks. i feel sick about everything and have no reason to believe i will be better in the future.
a friend of a friend posted on her story last night that she cannot stand people who only talk about themselves, despite knowing it stems from loneliness and social ineptitude. this is also something i've been thinking about a lot. i notice that i take zero to very little interest in people any more. when i speak, it comes out panicked and unfiltered. no thought goes into anything that i say, i'm just trying to pretend like i'm somebody else, a person who's liked at the table.
this leads me to default to "oh, i think that too."
"something similar happened to me,"
"that reminds me of when..."
lately i've been trying to mask it by using 'we' a lot more. it's us. you and i. please feel included, and please include me, i guess.
i can't remember if i was always like this, but at the very least i can say that it's something i've gotten worse at. here, there are days that go by where i don't talk to anyone. summer vacation was particularly bad for it, and now that i'm surrounded by new faces- the ones that remained from last semester feel particularly haunting.
i had some optimism that i could be better, and i believe i was and still can be, socially. the headspace i'm in right now, the past few days, does not lend itself to being particularly extraverted though. i want to hide in my room for the rest of the semester and i can barely leave to get water or food. i don't want to see anyone, i don't want to struggle my way through conversation right now.
i miss my friends at home and how easy it feels around them. everything here feels painful, like a presentation i am clearly. visibly underprepared for. it feels like everyone else can see it, or even sense it when i'm in the same space as them.
it's been worse since i drank too much on friday for a friends birthday. i feel so much shame and embarrassment that i'm determined only to drink what i go on holiday with my friend from home. i'm even anxious about that. i can't really enjoy socialising with new people without drinking and now i can't enjoy it with alcohol either. i guess it's one of those things you learn how to do the hard way.
about 8 months ago, i was telling one of my close friends that i would definitely be setting up a blog to document and share thoughts on my exchange. well, i’m 8 months into an 11 month exchange program and i decided it would be a good time to start.
tomorrow marks the beginning of semester 1- which is my second and final semester abroad in Singapore. time goes by so quickly once classes start and i already feel like my exchange period is coming to an end. i feel a little sentimental as i try to recall the decisions that put me where i am now- in a 4×3 dorm room on the west side of such an interesting city-state island. truthfully, this wasn’t exactly what i had intended.
when i decided to go back into education after a brief stint of living in in another state and working my ‘admin assistant’ (customer service) job for a few years- i had a single goal: to live and study abroad. of course, if you know me, you know the intention was not to land in Singapore, but another island a little north-west of Singapore called Japan. i even delayed going on exchange, declining an offer to go to Hong Kong University in favour of entering into another round of exchange applications. sometimes it’s nice to imagine what it would have been like if i had accepted that first offer- i hope i get to go and see what life would have been like there one day.
i could barely bring myself to tell anyone when i received my second exchange nomination for my current exchange university. when i saw it was not for the university i thought i had a decent chance at getting into, i felt embarrassed after 3 years of being so steadfast about exchanging to Japan and so open with my family and friends about what i had planned for myself. it was my only goal and motivation through some very difficult periods. it was the reason why i could wake up at 5am every week day and head into a job that occasionally set me crying on the train home after a 13 hour day. yet, there are some things, namely university admin processes, that are out of our hands and eventually, i felt comfortable enough to tell my family and coworkers about the change of plans. they were all supportive and expressed to me that despite not really knowing anything about Singapore, but they were sure that I’d have a great time. I couldn’t say I knew much more than them either. my friends, of course, were great.
while almost everyone was supportive, i remember when i told my partner at the time, i could hear the disappointment in his voice. i speculate that is when he decided that we weren’t going to work out long-term. one of his own goals at the time was to work in Japan while I was studying there, but from that point on, there was no mention of him visiting me on my exchange. my plans for the future were no longer valuable for him, i guess. from what i recall, it was all down-hill from there.
yuck.
a few months later, after a break-up, i began to think about (and hold out for) my future in Singapore in a different way. whenever i would talk to my sister or friends about the place i was in at the time (not so good!) i would say “well, it doesn’t matter, i’m moving to Singapore anyway.”. everything became irrelevant and temporary. i was leaving and more importantly, i would be gone for so long that nothing in that moment would matter by the time i got back. suddenly, by way of circumstance, Singapore became a saving grace for me. (if you couldn’t already guess, this should confirm that i’m a bit emotionally avoidant). the disappointment i had felt in myself began to subside and in its place was anticipation for relief, a change of environment, new people, new food, academic focus.
anyway,
that was around a year ago now, if i had to guess. my old perspective has changed a little, luckily. though, i can’t be certain that it’s just not me trying to make myself feel better about the (perceived?) failure to attain my goal, i do think it worked out for the better. after all, English is widely spoken in Singapore and Singapore is a lot more culturally similar with Australia than Australia is with Japan. while it’s still a little hard to think and talk about, and it definitely remains a sore subject for me, there is still a lifetime of opportunity to make up for it. i think Japan would have been a hard place to study in, anyway. (probably copium but probably true). while i will save some insights for future posts, there are a few things i know i will miss greatly when i leave Singapore. i would not have grown to understand this country or the way of life here had i not come here for academic purposes. i would not have come to know the people i know, or have tried kaya toast with raw egg and kopi o.
there are ways of living here that i hope that Australia comes to incorporate, as well as things that I’m grateful are not issues carried over to Australia as they are here. i’m looking forward to writing these thoughts out, if only to have a record of my perspective before i forget.
there is a lot, a lot, i have chosen to omit about the period of time before i left my home city as this is public. it was a difficult time, all in all. i say all this to share the frame of mind i began my exchange in- the background and the long-build up, i think these things are important if i’m aiming to be sincere and share my thoughts, experiences, opinions and perspectives about my exchange experience transparently. while i wish my blog could be observational commentary in the workings of Singaporean culture and society- and there will surely be some of that- but i’m nothing but a water sign, so i hope you can understand why i’m deciding to write what i am deciding to write.
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