Dindril's Prison Blog

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 13th

Why does life it do? Nonsense aside, today was yet another day. Riveting. 

I discovered E3 just happened, Monster Hunter X is coming out very soon, Persona 5 is slated for September, and I’m still stuck in prison, unable to play any of them. It hurts to sit here and watch the world go by, while I have no way of participating. Just watching from behind the wall, watching, watching, ever watching. Never getting to step beyond that wall. How much will I miss? Moments I’ll never get back. I can go back and play the games I missed, but there will still be a huge list of things I’ll never get another chance to do. This quickly made me very sad. I first intended to just talk about games, but it took a turn. Boiling hatred and frozen sadness form together to create a cacophony of depression and instability. Combine that with the fact that I’m still missing meds, and you get the pile of shit that is my mind at the moment.

I missed my meds tonight, but this time it was because I didn’t realize I had to listen for pill line while attending a late program. I went to my first session of toast masters. It was interesting and nerve wracking. I had to do a short introduction of myself, and the nerves from that, plus the lacking meds worked together to make me feel like I was gonna pass out. I was so damn dizzy. Some upcoming week I’ll have to do a 5 minute speech about myself. I only hope I’ll be back on my meds properly before then. I don’t wanna black out during a speech. I mean, I’d rather avoid blacking out altogether, but during a speech would be almost as bad as blacking out while taking a massive shit. Or while holding several running chainsaws. That one you might not wake up from.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 12th

Guess who didn’t get pills tonight ~ I never heard pill line get called, so despite getting my meds this morning, I still missed another dose. Headaaaaaches!! This isn’t fun. Like, at all. I wish they’d just give me the prescription so I could take them on my own. Due to how much people try to sell medications in here, they don’t let people have the medications in their possession. Very few are you allowed to hold onto. I love how much I’m punished because of shit other people did.

Hatred regarding that aside, I have many more things to be pissed about. Like still not having my money, having troubles talking to family, crippling depression, constant threats, slow shipping, broken shit, shitty beds, the developing numbness in my fingertips, the mysterious bruises I’m getting on my legs, my severance from the outside world, the knowledge that my crime will mark me forever, my growing social anxiety (I tried to call someone earlier, and the moment it started ringing, I suddenly felt scared and started whispering “don’t pick up, don’t pick up”), etc., etc, etc; the list goes on. Missing all these meds is not doing any favors for my general mood or tolerance of bullshit. 

Oh, and this damned headache, missing all this medication is hurting my head so much, I think I already mentioned the headache, so my head is a horrible crumbling mess with no proper cohesion. My thoughts are everywhere and nowhere. My head is racing and empty. I’m thinking so much, but none of it makes sense. It’s all just a blurry mess of hatred, pain, fear, and nonsense. 

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 11th

I almost forgot to write today! Oops! Now I’m stuck writing this entry in the dark, using the small amount of light from outside. I got caught up reading a manga called “The Drops of God”. Forest — one of the people I talk to here — had the first four volumes checked out from the library, and had them sitting out on our table today because they were due back and we were supposed to have library today. While waiting, I picked up the first volume, and now I’m halfway through volume 3. For some reason we didn’t get library today, so they’ll likely have to be returned tomorrow. I’ll transfer any I haven’t finished to my name, and see what more they have. It looks to be a long series, so I hope they have a bunch more of it. It’d be a pain to have to make someone buy them for me.

Anyway, today was a pretty stupid day. For some obtuse and unknown reason, morning pill line wasn’t called. As a result, I didn’t get any pills this morning. For once I manage to get myself up on my own, and that’s the day they decide no one in this unit gets pills. Missing all these doses is having some bad side effects, so Im getting damn close to finally putting in a grievance. Sadly, everything I’ve heard about the grievance system makes it sound absolutely worthless. Basically, it appears that despite there being an official system in place for inmates to submit complaints, said complaints seem to be entirely ignored, or even used against the inmate complaining. I feel like they’d somehow turn it against me if I tried to complain.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 10th

So a C/O threatened to infract everyone who gets evening pills in my unit because she didn’t realize they never called the normal evening pill line and got butthurt when we were heading to the late one. “Why didn’t you go earlier?” Because it wasn’t called! Now get out of our way before we all grieve you and make you lose your job, along with the person who failed to call the normal pill line. The rage burns hot within me.

I also managed to miss pill line again this morning, so if I had missed this one due to that C/O, I’d likely had spent the whole night in a furious rage, or maybe in the hole. The pills act as a mood stabilizer, so the more I miss, the more my emotions are amplified. Thus, if someone actively prevents me from getting my medication while I’ve already missed a dose or two, I’d likely get violent. I really don’t want that, but I know I absolutely need this medication for, you know, living. Interfering with that when I’m unstable gives my unstable emotions a target and a motive. I don’t like fighting, in fact I quite hate it, and I don’t pretend to justify fighting even in that situation. I’m just stating that when I miss the doses, my emotions sometimes freak the fuck out, and I’m prone to acting without thought.

But enough of that. I got my meds, and my emotions are being subdued. I’m returning to my usual almost-docile self. Almost. Anyway, I got to talk to my friend Dakota today. He left for the Navy shortly before I was sentenced. I found out he was out of bootcamp a couple days ago and is currently going to school in Florida. My mother got me his number so I called him today. I spent the 20 minutes catching him up on all this bullshit. Tomorrow I wanna video games. So much video games. At least as much as I can think of.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 9th

“Everything is falling apart! It’s like a metaphor for my life!”

The days are so tiresome. It’s just day after day of simply making sure I sleep, eat, and take my medications. I have to stand for count before dinner, and make sure people don’t hate me. My cellie makes it damn hard to read during count by being irritatingly noisy, and is aggrivatingly insulting. The contempt grows more and more every day. He also acts a bit too much like a self-centered punk who loves to be a total asshole, then insults and threatens anyone who doesn’t take it. I’m kinda waiting for the day he pisses off the wrong person and take a heaping helping of pain to his face. He really doesn’t seem to realize what he’s doing.

Anyway, enough of that — OH GOD he’s “singing” again! *sigh* ANYWAY! I’ve checked the JPay kiosk finally, to see what music I can get when my music player arrives, and was disappointed at how little Metallica they had. They have plenty Demon Hunter and Sonata Arctica, which is nice. I’ll try to check some other bands in the future, maybe some Godsmack or Apocalyptica. But the player isn’t likely to arrive for another month, because even shopping in prison is grossly slow. Not a single part of this system shows any sense of urgency. The kiosk is also broken again. It was down for nearly a week, up for one day, then broken again. They take way too long to get around to fixing it, and seem to have no desire to make a longterm fix. I don’t get how even the technological stuff they somehow make stupidly slow and cumbersome. And how the hell does it take 3 weeks to move your money!? Are they walking a check over on foot?!

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 8th

“Senpai loves me, this I know - for my knife here tells me so.”

I got one of my books today. Finally I can read Call of Cthulhu. I shall learn the story that spawned the ever popular tentacle-faced god-tier waifu. Did y’all know there’s an anime that turns a ton of H.P. Lovecraft creatures into anime girls? I haven’t watched it yet, but I kinda want to, out of curiosity. I’ve seen enough pictures of the characters by very skilled artists to be curious. Besides, I already watched a show about the devil becoming human and working at McDonalds and having to compete with the evil forces of KFC. Weird concepts like that tend to draw me in quite easily.

I have a nickname now, it seems. I am apparently the retarded guy from Family Guy who flails around, because I apparently do the arm flail perfectly, plus I like to act extremely stupid. It’s both a gift and a curse. I also broke Kid today. I don’t remember what I said, but he laughed so hard he fell out of his seat. I felt quite accomplished. I also accumulated a good amount of muffins today. The cereal today was Toasty O’s, which is basically shitty Cheerios, and I still have 5 from last time we got them, but the muffin today was the best muffin. The ones with butterscotch in them. So damn tasty.

I informed my mother about all the bruises I’ve been getting on my legs, and she is worried it’s a symptom of something far more serious, because bruising easily is generally a bad sign. I didn’t bother the new numbness in my fingers and toes, but that’s because that comes and goes. Regardless, if it’s serious, I may be screwed. I have a vague feeling the doctors here won’t care enough to run the proper tests to confirm what it is.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 7th

Today I realized again that I shouldn’t be here. I stated I wanted counseling in situations where that should have been documented for court. During my sentencing, the Judge claimed I said I didn’t. That means likely one of two cases occurred: Either he didn’t bother to read all the documentation, or he was flat-out lying. In either case, e did something he was not legally allowed to do. As such, a mistrial should be called, and all charges would be dropped. I’d still go to counseling, of my own volition. As I said, I wanted counseling, and regardless of the ruling, I was going to do it anyway. So with my grandmother on board to help cover legal fees, we may finally have a chance to win my freedom. I ain’t gonna celebrate yet — things always seem to turn to shit — but I can hope.

On a separate note, There’s apparently a Touhou fangame releasing in the US in two months, and it’s releasing alongside a special edition Touhou PS4. I need it. Right stat now. Hope was helping me look for more of the music I like on Amazon when she found it. The commercial was in English and it had an ESRB “This game is not yet rated” at the beginning of the commercial, so yeah, it’s releasing in America (ESRB is specifically American.)

I also finished that Resident Evil book. I liked it, and may check out others in that series. On Monday we get to head over to the library, so I’ll see what they have. The library also apparently has a munch of manga, so I might be able to partially sate my need for anime bullshit. A new guy joined our group today, and we ended up talking about anime today because of him. I love getting to be a nerd.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 6th

Well I finally had my orientation here. Now some things have opened up to me. Not much of interest, but I can sign up to maybe take care of dogs. It’d have to wait a fuckton of time before they might hire me, but dogs. There’s also a program for public speaking I signed up for. It’s not mandatory that I attend after signing up and it sounds fun, so I put in my signup sheet. It’ll take a bit to be accepted, but it’d be nice. Maybe. I keep thinking things will be nice, but it goes bad every time. For instance, I’m in prison. 

The kiosk finally works again. I have nothing new on it, but it feels nice to finally be able to check. Hopefully I’ll be notified of new visitors soon. I want people to visit me. I’d like that quite a lot. Through the JPay kiosk you can also do video visits, so I could potentially talk to Hope, which would also be nice.

I’m taking a long time to write this entry. I keep talking to my cellie about Game Grumps. I’m such a nerd! Whoo! But he was finding it funny, so all is good. I wanna watch more Game Grumps and finish Dark Souls III.

The group I hang out with was drawing a lot today, and one was of a sexy punk girl in a bikini. I ended up getting them to add game related tattoos on her, starting with the Hunter’s Mark from bloodborne. We ended up brainstorming a ton of tattoos, which was great fun. I love talking about games, so I quite enjoyed that. I kinda wish I was given more opportunities. I could ramble for fucking days on end. Especially about Silent Hill, Monster Hunter, and the Souls series. I know way too much.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 5th

“Nice guys may finish last, but they certainly get laid a lot along the way.”

Missed another dose. I was up this morning. but I was wrong when I thought I heard them call pill line and nearly got punished for it. I didn’t want to risk it again, so I just went back to bed instead of waiting for them to actually call it. I have orientation early tomorrow so I need to make sure I’m up in the morning.

It’s getting harder and harder to hold on. It may be the lack of medication, or the requirement to interact with people, or just remembering I’m stuck, but whatever it is, it only makes it that much harder. Going into dayroom is stressful because of all the people. The discomfort is very real.

Anyway, I heard there are books on the way for me. Call of Cthulhu, And Then There Were None, and one other my cousin is sending because she’s currently reading and enjoying it. We also talked about anime bullshit withdrawals. I need muh anime bullshit. I need my waifus, and my senpais, and my kawaii sugoi ugu desu bullshit!

I’m currently reading a resident evil novel, which is turning out to be surprisingly good. The way the narrative switches point of view and maintains character knowledge in that narrative is surprisingly enjoyable. For instance, one character calls Leon ‘Red’ due to not actually knowing his name. Whenever the story switches to focus on him, Leon is referred to as Red in the narration. Basically, it’s as though the story had been written following him the whole time. I just find that quite enjoyable. Not what I expected from a Resident Evil novel, that’s for sure.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 4th

“The last chapter ended with Leon going ‘shit’, the next chapter starts with Clair going ‘shit’.”

I’m still managing to miss my meds. The more doses I miss, the less is in my blood. I need plenty in my blood for it to work properly, so it continues to lose effectiveness. Sudden drops like this also can cause damage, so even if I get stable again, this time of missing doses will have a lasting effect that’d require more drugs if I tried to fix it. That’s what caused the hallucinations, I believe.

My cellie keeps singing at night, and making plenty of noise when he can’t sleep. It fills me with plenty of spite. It furthers my desire to have my own cell. I don’t like dealing with shit like this. I just want to read and sleep.

In some good news, my mother found out how to send me stuff. She can only send me one package a month, and the packages take a month to show up, but still. Sometime in the future I’ll have a watch and a trimmer, among other things. My grandmother also sent her money to pay for this stuff, and to help me buy a guitar.

By the way, happy ‘Murica day! This is the day all American flags go fully erect, everyone eats burgers, and we celebrate not getting blown to hell by England by blowing shit up. Today we sing the anthem of our great country, “America, fuck yeah! Gonna save the mother fuckin’ day, yeah!” I may be the worst American ever.

We also had a nice big dinner today. Eating that and all that cereal I accumulated yesterday pretty much killed me. On that note, I got 7 bowls of cereal today. I am going to create an all mighty cereal empire. I am the emperor of cereal! Bring me your offerings!

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 3rd

Life continues on here in Prisonland. At least for most, anyway. There were two fights today, resulting in pill line being extremely late. Who knows the condition of those involved. I just have to hope nothing happens to me. I am pretty punchable, after all. I just have to watch myself and be amicable, and hopefully no one will try to murder me. On a side note, I procured a metric fuckton of cereal through breakfast trades today. I have 5 bowls of Raisin Bran and 3 bags of powdered milk. I'm gonna murder them in the morning. So much bran! My bowels will be at work for . . . hours, really. 5 single serving bowls isn't actually that much, in the grand scheme of things. Still, that's 5x what we otherwise get for breakfast. I still want to try writing stories, but I don't have enough free paper. I lost my muse with the Touhou one, but now I want to write one involving eastern style dolls possessed by the spirits of the dead. I adore stuff like that, so I'm not sure why I didn't think of it sooner. Probably because I'm full of sadness and despair, so my muse was more focused on a story about overcoming a deep sadness caused by a horrible incident. Catharsis is a word I like to use a lot. Other than that, not much happened today. A new campaign was started after they ended the last one by destroying the world, but it only starts with two characters, so I'm just spectating for now. It takes place in the same world, but with modern guns and such, and zombies. I also ran through a bunch more phone money, like an idiot, but I really like talking to my friends and family. I just dislike that my mom has to pay for all of it. It means I'm kind of a money sponge. Such a pain in the ass to spend so much money to talk.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 2nd

Well, this campaign has gone from broken to chaos. It's gone from murdering everyone who looks at us funny to killing the gods and utterly destabilizing reality. I have also become Alice Margatroid, Komeiji Koishi, and the God of Vengeance at the same time. For the first two, it's their powers I gained via wishes granted by the God of Acorns, while the last was our leader forcing the God of Vengeance to hand over her role to me. Also, tattoo magic. Outside of that, I managed to miss my morning medication again. One of the people in the group has stated he shall functionally be my alarm clock. Now I'm gonna be woken up at 7:00am every day so I can medicate properly. The more I miss my meds, the more I feel it, so it's good to be woken up to take them. I still wish I was in the SOU instead, despite these guys being rather fun to hang out with. The privacy and access to doctors would be wonderful. Also, I wouldn't have to keep listening to my cellie poorly sing to music he's listening to. That'd be super nice. Passive aggressiveness aside, it's still better here than in reception. Reception sucks. I kinda miss the radio, because I've got nothing for music yet, but HOT SHOWERS! I took my first hot shower in months this morning. It was glorious. Plus phone whenever, meals being optional, showers whenever, showers in stalls, and my clothes usually being mine. Lots of plusses. Sadly it also seems to be more dangerous here. Fights are more common, and punished less. You kinda gotta watch what you say or do to avoid getting attacked. Sticking to a group of friends helps a lot, which means I'm quite lucky for being accepted into a group so quickly.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

July 1st

"Hi, officer. We're talking about heroin!" "That's nice." Today was full of excitement and adventure! So damn much excitement! Wow! I actually slept all day. I missed my morning meds, so that, along with the stress of the past couple days prompted me to take today to functionally meditate. My form of meditation is more like just laying in bed and either think or fall asleep. It apparently upset some people in the group, which I suppose I understand a bit. Hopefully they'll understand that being alone in a quiet place sometimes is rather important to keeping a semblance of sanity, for me. Anyway, I chewed though another $17 on the phone today. Calling everyone to fill them in on what's going on, and just deliver news (and chat, of course) was quite a bit of phone time. I'll be getting more money soon, so I'll be calling Marmar tomorrow. I got her number, but she wasn't able to answer today. There's still plenty of people I know who don't know I'm in prison, and I'm hella curious how some would react. I don't think anyone ever really expected me to end up in prison. I'm just so much of a cuddly polar bear. No one truly expected me to go feral and start seeing everyone as bottles of Coca Cola, just waiting to have their caps popped off so I can drink their sweet, sweet nectar . . . Damn, I want some Dr. Pepper after that reference. Oh, I had a good dream for once in a month or so! I don't remember all that happened, but I know it was generally happy. I doubt tonight will be the same, but maybe the nicer blankets will help a little. They are much nicer. Like actual blankets, where the ones at the other place were pretty much big glorified towels. Not the best.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

June 30th

Oh, look, things are kinda shit. My cellie is okay, but I'm not the most happy to have a cellie to begin with. I desperately wanted privacy. I also have less freedom than I expected, and I have to wait another day to use the phones, because my pin hasn't transferred yet. During intake they scheduled me to see mental health here, so maybe something good will come from that. I have my doubts, but I need some hope to hold onto, lest I end up a corpse. As much as I frequently ask to die, I'd rather not. _____________________________________ Within only a couple hours I have found a group to hang out with and play a somewhat broken custom D&D module. These is prison rules, bitches! But yeah, my mind is currently an exhausted, overwhelmed mess. I can hardly process what's happening around me. Food here is worse, or more accurately, less plentiful. Meals are smaller, and the walk to the cafeteria is a god damned journey. The prison is in the middle of nowhere so the view is anus and there's a severe lack of radio stations, so I'm kinda required to get my own music. I was told a better version of the music player was releasing soon, and that I should wait. As a result, I'm gonna need to focus on getting a CD player or something. I was also informed there's a lot more restrictions on what families can send. I'm starting to be pretty sure I'm not getting CDs. I also have to buy the guitar using the money on my books, which they take 45% of. So a $100 guitar would actually take $200 to buy. Same for a TV, likely. In short, shit still kinda sucks. Getting my pill line pills is also a hell of a chore. Instead of getting the pills in your cell, you have to go journey to the cafeteria. Doing that early in the morning is not gonna be fun. And it's too dry for the early morning fog like on the other side of the state. I loved that fog. Fog is pretty. I'm actually really worried what fucked with my brain tonight was actually just sensory overload. All the noise, movement, stress, and information I have to deal with. That would mean that despite talking to those people, and joining a campaign, I may have to stay locked in my room. I'm so bad with people. I can see this becoming a giant mess. Maybe a bloody mess. And all the blood will be mine.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

June 29th

I just got my chain bag. I am being moved in the morning, apparently to the wrong place. And I'm missing store again. I'm not even sure I have the time to finish this entry. The place I was originally told I was going to, I would have had a one man cell and ready access to doctors to help deal with my worsening neurological and psychological problems, and it was near family. Now I'm being placed far from family and have no idea if I'll be alone or have access to doctors. Fuck this place, fuck these assholes, and fuck this whole system. It's pretty clear they don't give a single fuck like they say they do. They want to hurt me, nothing more. I wanted to see my family . . . Maybe, just maybe things will be okay there . . . I still

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

June 28th

"No, don't die! I need your wallet!" Aww sheeet, I talked to Hope. It was nice talking to her, but I ended up spending nearly $10 of phone time today. I hate how expensive it is to talk to people, what with how much I'd want to talk. I'd excuse it if jobs in prison didn't pay a fraction of minimum wage. About 5 hours of work is 20 minutes of phone time, 10 minutes if you call someone out-of-state. Working a job is already hard for me, so doing so for such a small wage is rather painful. I hate having my mother pay for everything for me. Without me paying rent, she can't even afford to make house payments. This had made me such a burden. Thanks for adding more to my list of reasons to die, Judge. My shaking is getting worse, too. It's gotten faster and sporadic. I'll just suddenly be pushed in a random direction by my own mind. My limbs are also twitching more. I'm a little worried I'm gonna twitch, hit someone, and have 5 years added to my sentence. It'd also lose me my good time, so it'd go from 4.5 years to 12. I want to move to another country when I get out. I'd like to put as much distance as possible between me and this whole experience. Though, with this on my record, I don't know how many countries would accept me. Maybe Japan. They didn't have that major religious influence that formed many of the western world's morals and prejudices. The primary religions of Japan's history didn't care as much about things that our historical religions detest and condemn. It's one reason we frequently see Japan as weird or perverted. The country's general customs and morals were shaped differently. Obviously, as our world has become interconnected, our morals have become more homogeneous, but with the influence of previous generations being ever-present, the culture and morals or each country's past will always remain intact, to some extent.

[dindrilsprisonblog-blog]

June 27th

". . . it's the gayest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen RuPaul's Drag Race." I got a new cellie late last night. He doesn't hate me, so that's good. At least not openly. He may secretly want to cut my eyes out and use them as olives for a prison martini. People have the capacity, after all. I know nothing about this guy, so I can't count anything out. He could be a kind, cuddly person. He could also be a giraffe in disguise. Who knows? Not me. I NEVER LOST CONTROL. (God, I hope people get that.) I just noticed I have dried blood on my thumb. It's obviously mine, but where did it come from? Admittedly, it could just be from my thumb. Since I have very little to do with my hands, I fuck with my finger nails a lot. It actually hurts to hold my pen. But I shall power through! I called around to try to get Hope's number today, but had a lot of troubles getting people to answer. Why do people have lives while I'm in prison? Clearly, everything needs to stop until I get out of here. Rude. But I did manage to get through to a couple, they were just busy. I just have to hope they can ask her when they were done. Or more accurately, I hope they remember. Also, I guess there's no mail on Monday? I was waiting for them to pass out mail before I started writing, and now it's nearly lights out. Either I didn't see them or they don't pass out mail on Mondays. That would be three days in a row that they don't bother with mail. I want my written correspondence, dammit! I wonder what 4.5 years of mail would look like?