Dinner with Tinder

A blog recounting how I am attempting to get one free dinner a week for a year from tinder.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Week of What pt.1

So this week, I’m introducing three new guys i met this week to you all and the varying degrees of fucked up our encounters were in a trilogy.

All of this fucked up started on Wednesday, with who we shall name “Lawyer Guy”. But oh my god, do the tables turn.

SO Lawyer guy seemed pretty attractive in his photos; tall, tattoos, slightly punk but knew when to dress up, where could I go wrong? He messaged me first essentially saying I was cute and that he had a thing for girls with my hair type. 

A good start, I think we can all agree on.

He then goes on list all of his accomplishments that vary from him going to Harvard, Brown, University of Pretoria, and Osgoode Hall, that he was a lawyer, had two businesses, AND worked for the Liberal Party of Canada directly for Trudeau. Naturally, one would be a bit skeptical. He was very insistent on meeting where I was located, and after a bit of bargaining on where we would talk out the details of what we wanted from each other we ended up meeting basically right in front of my apartment. 

He gave me a big hug and said he was happy to finally meet me, and I said the same, which wasn’t a lie. He was cute in person and taller than me-- two things I immediately look for. We start walking to a Tim Hortons for food down the block and he bursts into a conversation about helping a friend out and I’m listening waiting for a time to speak. I never really got that chance. I do eventually end up asking him about the details of his job and he explains it in full depth, and again mentions that he went to Harvard, University of Pretoria and other places (University of Toronto), and tries to explain to me politics which I already know and how to get into law school, again something I already know from friends and relatives.

Finally, we get to my place and sit on the couch detailing what we expected, and what our limits were. He wanted a purely sexual relationship (since he was in the capital most of the week and couldn’t give enough for an emotional relationship) that was monogamous and I was okay with that. We then talked about boundaries, and after a few cigarettes, he and I er... got down to business.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HE IS GOOD AT WHAT HE DOES. I mean, I’ve had enough encounters to form an opinion, and this guy was my all time best. He said it was a lot of fun afterwards too and wanted to continue this relationship. Thank god my roommate wasn’t home for that apart. 

So we got dressed, talked more politics and he eventually had to go and do some work. He said he’d text me the next day.

lmao nah. nothing. 

BUT I did get his last name and decided to do some light research on this guy. I mean really, who the hell doesn’t stalk someone they're interested in on social media these days?? I find his Facebook pretty easily and here’s where it all goes downhill. I will be a lawyer in a way now, and explain my case as to why this guy is a lying fuck. (a lying fuck who knows how to fuck though..)

1) The first thing that appeared on his Facebook was a gofundme for his bike that had been stolen. He told me in person that he had two apartments, a cottage, and that he made more than his parents. What the ever lasting fuck?

2) The second alarm was the amount of NDP videos on his Facebook during the election. If he was really working for the liberals, you would assume he would either post nothing or only liberal things. Weird.

3) I was suspicious of his credentials, since he told me the University of Toronto paid for his tuition because “they wanted him so badly” so I checked our texts from before the first meeting. He changed his schools since then to something completely different when we talked in person.

4) You would think that a person who is that much of an entrepreneur would have a linkedin account, and so I looked up and down (anonymously) for one of his. Absolutely nothing. 

5) He explained how the LSAT’s worked completely wrong. If I didn’t have so many connections to lawyers, he could’ve convinced me with his version but I know enough to know he fucked up big time.

My conclusion for Lawyer Guy, is that he is most likely not in fact a lawyer, and just a weird ass political enthusiast. Or maybe he does work for the liberal party. But I’ll never know since I haven't heard from him since.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Week of What pt.2

Now I’ll say this right now, I don’t usually do this, but the say that I had my first meeting with Lawyer Guy I had also planned to meet another guy who also seemed very attractive and perhaps even more my type. He shall be dubbed “The Hipster”. The Hipster goes to a prestigious art school I was also accepted to, and so I was naturally drawn to him when looking at his Tinder profile. He had the typical hipster style; framed glasses, beanie, some stubble. A girl can’t help what she finds attractive, okay? Our texting banter seemed to go over well as we had the same humour and so I decided drinks at his apartment would be a good first meeting. 

Between Lawyer Guy and The Hipster, I had a class, so afterwards I sent him a text asking for his address and once was told began to head in to the centre of the city. As it turns out, his apartment was very close to his university and I was amazed that a college student could afford it, especially without any financial aid. Once I get to the apartment, I give him a short call and ask him the details of how to get in. His voice even sounded nice so I was feeling oddly optimistic about our next encounter.

i’m sure you can assume how that was a bad move, but let me explain why in two short sentences.

I arrived at his apartment door, knocked. The door opened and I looked down.

Unfortunately, I had forgot to casually ask about his height since it wasn’t listed on his profile. Since I was wearing doc martens I was about one inch taller than usual and this did not help the me to him ratio. I guess you could say I’m tall for a female but it’s not like i’m 6 feet or anything.

So as you can imagine, any possible budding feeling of interest has immediately died and I’m stuck having to sit this date out a constant three feet away to avoid any intimate interactions. 

While I wasn’t attracted to his apartment, I was attracted to his decor, and his choice of drinks. We had a couple alcoholic drinks while he played some vinyl on his record player (SO hipster) and had some chats about art and design, and halloween. It was then made known that he had no mixer for vodka, so we made a short trip to the corner store for juice. I was pretty hungry at this point so when I saw rice cakes on sale I picked up a pack and started eating them as soon as we left the store. Don’t worry, I offered one to him too.

You may have noticed at this point I just don’t give a fuck about how I appear to this guy anymore. I don’t care, I’m getting free drinks.

We have a few more cocktails and then he takes me to the roof of his apartment building. I swear to god if I were shorter or he taller, this would have been so fucking romantic. We could see the night sky amongst the city skyline and it was so beautiful. I even instagramed it, lol. I could tell he was trying to lay some moves on me but god knows I was NOT having it, so we went back inside, had another drink, talked about drugs, and I pulled the “I’m going to miss my last bus I’m going to have to go!” on him. He insisted on getting me an uber home if I stayed, but again, i was N O T having it, so I told him we could continue another time, and basically booked it out of the apartment, got home after an hour, and instantly fell asleep.

I didn’t text him again. He didn’t text me. I think we can all assume this date won’t be continued.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Week of What pt.3

The thrilling ending of the Week of What is finally here, and I’m pretty damn happy about it. So the final character you’ll all be meeting is named “Marine Motorcycle”. THANKFULLY, this date was only about an hour long and I’m not even sure it counts as a date, to be completely honest.

On another whim after about a day of texting, I decide to get coffee and go for a walk with Marine Motorcycle. He seemed decently attractive in his photos, matching my type fairly well. 

While getting ready, he tells me he made it a bit early, but I had just finished getting ready to go so I told him I’d be at our designated meeting spot in ten minutes. I arrived, and saw a guy sitting exactly where Marine Motorcycle should have been. The guy didn’t really look like him but I smiled and walked towards him. He clearly and no idea who I was. I called MM and found out fairly quick he was somewhere else. We met up and I was SO not interested within seconds of our first in person meeting.

He had a goatee for starters which is a turn off for me, and rode a motorcycle which I alter found out wasn’t actually his but his friends. And he wouldn’t shut the fuck up about the damn motorcycle. Or motorcycles in general.

Let me put it out there right now. I don’t give a flying fuck about motorcycles.

We walk in the direction of Tim Hortons, I get a tea (which I paid for myself), he gets a coffee and we start walking. And he only talks about the following things for the entire time: how he has no job, his love for redneck culture, his hate for his college, or something to do with mechanics. None of these things do I mildly care about, and he didn’t even bother to ask me about any of my interests, though I entertained him with questions about his. The entire time he talked I wouldn’t really hear him, I would just think to myself “I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.”

Are you seeing a pattern here at all?

I then mention my love for shisha and while it’s apparent to me how bad this date is going, he seems oblivious and suggests we get shisha together sometime soon. I just nod and give a fake laugh because in my mind I know that will definitely not be happening. Ever.

The only time I was mildly content was when we ended up talking in French for a bit about accents and learning languages, and you know it’s bad when you’re only happy speaking to someone in your non-native tongue..

To conclude the evening, I tell him I’ll be walking off in the other direction, he gives me a hug, and we call it a night. He just texted me actually, saying it was nice to meet me. Not sure if I should ghost him or let him know right now the game is up. 

[dinnerwithtinder]

Pubs Aren’t My Thing.

You can bet your sweet ass that this dates setting was at a pub and I did not have a good time. Okay end of prelude.

This has to be the oldest guy I’ve swiped yes to, simply because I wanted to test how old I could go before it became weird. This guy was a good eleven years older than I was but still seemed very interested in me, which while felt somewhat powerful, was also kind of weird. So let me introduce you to Tech ET. He goes on to tell me that he’s in a polyamorous relationship and looking for another partner. When I swiped yes to him I wasn’t really sure if I really found him that attractive, but he seemed so interested in me that I decided to give it a shot.

It should be noted that a couple nights before I got quite drunk and I have a habit of drunk calling everyone I have as a contact on my phone, and he happened to pick up. I knew right off the bat that I was not going to like the date we were going to go on because his voice was higher than average and he seemed.. very nerdy. BUT, because he already marked off his calendar for me (he literally told me that, no lies) I knew I couldn’t bail on this.

I’ve never been a pub person to begin with. If I can choose, I almost always prefer the dark bar scene where it’s loud and casual. Pubs seem like places for people like my parents.

We meet in the evening in front of the venue and I’m put off by his looks (he looks like ET thus the name) but thank god he’s at least taller than me. After asking, Tech ET tells me he prefers younger girls because they’re not looking for a long term serious relationship, which is true in some ways. Most of the discussion flows around me and my interests, experiences, and hobbies which I would normally welcome, but since it was mostly me it was uncomfortable. When he does talk though, all I can think is “oh my god shut up I don’t care”. He talks only about biking, and being active which are two things I do not like to do. ... Well, I do like biking but not as much as he apparently does.

The only thing we can have a good conversation about is politics since I have a huge interest and knowledge, and him as well. The entire night I only had one drink since

a) I didn’t want to spend the whole night there  b) I didn’t want to be drunk and vulnerable to him and  c) he couldn’t get the bartenders attention.

At one point in the night when I come back from a bathroom break, an old Irish man is talking to him and then begins talking to us both and the awkward just oozes everywhere. I finally make a fake excuse saying I have a self-made curfew and had to be back home soon. He bought it, and unfortunately offered to drive me home. I lowkey didn’t want to go with him, but figured at this point if I was gonna be raped he would’ve drugged me by now. So we get in his car and he goes on and on about how he had fun and how he wants to see me again and I’m all like “mhmm? oh yeah! hahahahahah!” because I don’t want to die.

I get him to drop me off near my apartment, book it out of the car avoiding any goodbye kisses, and speed walk home. He watches me walk which makes me anxious but finally drives off. 

To end this thrilling saga, he texts me a few days after and I ghost him but then decide that’s a bad idea since we had a conversation on the whole idea of ghosting. I send him a text along the lines of “oh sorry not over my ex k byeeee” and he gets all emotional asking if there’s any chance of us working. Bruh, hell nah. IT WAS ONE DATE FOR CHRISTS SAKE.

My last text from him was this exactly: (without the use of my real name of course)

“Goodnight B. Goodbye for any length of a while.”

IT WAS O N E  D A T E OHMYGOD

[dinnerwithtinder]

Comedians.. Writers?

I have to learn to ask people about their damn height before a meeting because christ, shit gets awkward real fast when you stand up together. Lemme get to the bigger shitstorm now, though.

So, around the same time I was talking to PhD guy, I was also talking to “Writer Comedian” who seemed kind of my type, depending on how he would look and hold himself in person. He had a beard and was a writer, about nine years older than me (which was pushing it, I won’t lie) but honestly, where could you go wrong? Oh, there were so many wrongs.

About a week after not talking to Phd guy, I decide to get drinks with Writer Comedian. Since it was going to be later in the evening I made prior plans for the same evening to go to my friends new apartment to have ribs and then afterwards I’d meet up with the guy. Long story short I ate way too many fucking ribs and became bloated real fast, but sweet jesus was it worth it. (My friend makes the best ribs I’ve ever had. No lies.)

After I say my goodbyes to my friends I head back on the subway to go meet with my date. He texts me to tell me he’s there a bit early, and I say that’s fine. Unfortunately, because the universe hates me, the train was mega late, and THEN the streetcar afterwards was additionally late. Naturally, I texted him apologizing about the delay and he simply jokes about how he’ll be ahead of drinking than me. It didn’t faze me, and I actually ended up there only a few minutes late instead of what I had previously estimated. 

So I get off the streetcar, and see this skinny, bearded man having a smoke. he knows who I am so we say our hellos and head inside the bar. Now, I’m not immediately turned off by him. He seems nice enough, but my opinion changes pretty quickly quick afterwards.

ALL HE TALKS ABOUT IT HIMSELF. 

He goes on about how he’s a comedian with most of his acts being about how he can’t get a date, about his writing, about how he just got an apartment (remember he’s in his late 20′s) and how he has multiple jobs with no real end goal. It’s not attractive at all. To make it worse, he was obviously a lot more drunk than I was (which was none and him a lot) and he was definitely not a suave drinker. I mention my love of dry, sarcastic humour and he simply says “oh honey, well you’re gonna love me.” and touches my arm. 

*shivers uncomfortably*

AND THEN MY FRIENDS, GUESS WHO DECIDES TO TEXT ME AFTER OVER A WEEK OF NOTHING? Yeah, that’s right. Phd guy. He’s asking about my thanksgiving and how I am and if I wanna hang out and all this shit like bruh. what the fuck. I can’t. Anyways.

After some ehhh conversation and drinks, he goes to the bathroom and we leave to wait for my streetcar. While we’re waiting, he basically shuts down verbally. I try multiple attempts to start and keep a talk and he lets it drop instantly.

He then asks if I want to go back to his apartment and almost straight out says so we can bang there, and I politely decline. I mean, I’m gonna be real honest right now, I had just finished taking meds for a nasty kidney infection, and that lead to a potential yeast infection, and really, I didn’t want to sleep with him anyways.

 I was getting pretty pissed at this point. THEN, to make matters more ridiculous (because remember, the universe hates me) the owner of the bar comes out and towards us, asking us if we were planning on paying for our drinks. Turns out Writer Comedian had completely forgotten the bill, while I had assumed when he went to the bathroom he had gone and paid as well. WC apologizes and goes to pay and I’m secretly hoping for the streetcar to come before he gets back, but alas fate isn’t so nice and he comes yet agin to stand beside me. It’s only now I realize that he’s a good 2 inches shorter than me (with my docs on) and I was feeling more and more awkward by the minute. 

FINALLY, SWEET RELIEF, MY STREETCAR COMES. He looks at me like he’s expecting something, so I give him a peck, basically run onto my streetcar and call it a night.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Night Of Fuqbois

Normally it’s hard enough to get one date a week, but on this rare occasion I got to have two encounters on the same night, with two different men. One name “Fuqboi” and the other “Beard”, for self explanatory reasons. BASICALLY here’s how everything turned out to be as it became.

So Fuqboi and I matched and I wasn’t sure if i was really attracted to him from his pics, but he wanted to meet up not for uh.. food.. but there would be eating. If you catch my drift. I was down though. Like, you’re not gonna say no to sex, right? He’s going on about how he’s gonna go for hours and blah blah blah and I’m game. So I’m waiting outside at my usual waiting spot and call my friend to calm me down beforehand. She and I are talking hoe tips and all that, and it’s getting later and later, and I’m asking myself “where the fuck is this lil bitch” so turns out he messaged me saying he’d come half an hour later. Figures.

Then, my ex called me and we started talking about what I was doing and if I could (about the attractiveness, yeah our relationship is fucked up) and so I get a text from Fuqboi saying he’s there and for me to get in his car. I text him aggressively asking why he can’t come out of his damn car like a non-rapist, but he rolls down his window so I can see him, WHILE I’M ON THE PHONE WITH MY EX, and I walk away for a second saying “shit I can’t do it I can’t do it”

But. I did it. 

Conversation was awkward and short in the car. We get to his weed scented apartment. I immediately gravitate to his cat named Beyonce, then go to his room. He basically just goes from 0-100 REAL quick, like damn son. Chill.

And he lasts a solid 7 minutes. 

I’m sitting there naked and bewildered while he’s putting his clothes back on, like bitch I demand an orgasm and an explanation asap. he just tells me he has an assignment due but he can drive me back. I’m mad pissed at this point, but what the hell else am I gonna do. Sit there and protest for another round with Fuqboi McGee? Nah son. He drives me back, apologizes and I don’t even acknowledge his presence. I’m out. And I got time to kill.

So what does a mildly attractive girl with tinder do?  She finds another man who can satisfy her.

For about a week I had been talking to Beard and he had even invited me to go to a popular music festival with him but I declined as I was busy. He asked if I wanted to hang out the same night as I was with Fuqboi, and so I decided why not. We went for a walk, and soon after meeting up I found out how fucking high he was.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Math Potentially has my Heart

I hated math with a passion in school, and while I’ve come to accept it now, I can't say I’ve ever been an enthusiast about the subject except perhaps now.

When I swiped yes to PhD guy, I wasn’t sure if I’d like him, really. His bio was non existent, I couldn’t tell what he looked like in detail from his pictures, and we hadn’t really talked that much beforehand, except for small tidbits of information. But he seemed nice, so I decided I would go through with the date.

Before the date however, I made some questionable decisions because I’m an idiot. 

I couldn’t remember the exact place the restaurant was located, so I decided to hang out with a very close friend of mine who had been there with me before so he could point me in the right direction. We had quite a bit of time before my date though, so this ended up with us buying an entire cheesecake and eating it in a comp sci lab with his friends and ate a few other things while we were there too. We then find the location of where I’m supposed to be, and my friend decides right then and there that he’s gonna have a gourmet sausage at the shop beside where I’ll be... which was oddly comforting.

It was at this point, while waiting with my friend and his sausage that I was becoming more and more nervous. What if he’s ugly? what if he’s short? What if he’s boring? What will I do?!

I wait outside the restaurant and for some unknown reason, I decide to call my mom and talk about my day to calm me down a bit, then mid call I see a man waking towards me who obviously knew who I was. I told my mom I had to go when we were about to go in and apologized. There was an awkward hug (my backpack was on cause I had gone directly from class to hang out) and we went inside.

Holy fuck my friends, he was attractive as attractive an be. Dark thick hair, dark eyes, and had an energy about him that just vibe with me so well. We ordered food and beer and started talking. Conversation was a bit difficult because of noise and the fact that it was a first date, but we eventually really got to get to know each other. He mentioned first off how he had recently gotten out of a long term relationship, which was good to know but made me weary. We even talked first date taboo topics, like abortion, religion, and politics and agreed on every subject which was a step in the right direction.  Since I had eaten half a damn cheesecake before meeting PhD guy, I couldn’t really finish my food which was a bit embarrassing but the beer flow definitely helped.

He got the bill at the end, and since the date went so well, we wandered the city streets holding hands until we found a bar to get more drinks at and talk. He tells me more and more about math, and he makes it not boring, but interesting. I mean, I have no fucking clue what he’s talking about, but he’s passionate and normal about it so I’m game. And he’s interested in what I do too. We make our way to another bar, where I get the tab, and sit next to each other talking, getting more and more drunk. By this point I’m really starting to feel the alcohols effects and so is he. We lean into each other more, laughing more, touching thighs, touching hands. He leans in and kisses me and I love it. Every second with this guy I am liking him more and more. 

How could I have gotten so lucky with tinder? 

We talk about our favourite drinks and he tells me about caesars, and I tell him that I’ve never had one before. He scoffs and invites me to his apartment so he can make me one. I oblige, liquor mostly talking for me. We walk to his apartment, and I find out it’s in the centre of the city, obviously not a cheap place. He puts on some music (we have the same taste in music!!) and makes me a drink to try. Turns out I hate caesars so he drinks mine for me, laughing. He then decides it’s a great idea to show me Mongolian throat singing, and we end up dancing and grinding to it? Yeah I don’t know. Alcohol, man.

Things get heated, and before you know it, I’m in his bed. It’s at this point, sober, I’m not sure if I really made the right decision. At the time while I did’ want to believe it, it’s clear he’s really not over his ex. I’m not sure if not sleeping with him would’ve changed the outcome or not, but I guess we will never know.

We wake up the next morning, have a good morning romp, and go watch an indie film while cuddling on his couch, followed by food and youtube videos. And then more sex. I stayed until well in the afternoon before deciding I should get going. 

Once I got home, he texts me making sure I got home okay with a bit of banter. I couldn’t help but think to myself that maybe I landed myself a keeper.

[dinnerwithtinder]

Pizza for free?? Dear God.

YOU WOULD THINK AFTER WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE THIS THAT I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP ENTIRELY, BUT OH NO, it actually gets worse.

Alright, I know what you’re thinking; how the hell could you fuck this up even more? Yeah I don’t know it just happens. Here is how my encounter with Italian Clubber went down.

Through this date I learned a very important lesson on the use of tinder: Don’t fucking swipe right to people who only have one picture of them on their profile.

Just don’t do it.

However, me being an idiot lead me to do the opposite of this advice and start talking to a guy about 10 years older than myself. He suggested that we go get pizza since he knew a great place that wasn’t pizza hut. Me being a pizza fanatic, I was all game and thought it would be awesome finally getting food from a tinder date. We decided to meet in front of the res building I met Foreign in front of and so I sat at a bench waiting patiently to be swept away to bomb ass pizza.

As I sit there, I’m obviously looking around to see where he is. Initially I don’t see anyone who vaguely resembles the photo on his profile, but soon enough a man with a black gelled back curly ponytail, eyebrows that look like they were done at sephora, and (i’m assuming) steroid induced chubby cheeks approaches me, clearly knowing who i was. It was at this point I was seriously considering running now, but being the polite ass I was, I decided to see if I could do the entire date and end up in one piece.

So I made an assumption that we would be in walking distance of this unknown amazing pizza place. Nope.

He mentions how he’s not hungry and suggests we go to Tim Hortons (for those who don’t know it’s a chain coffee store in Canada) before getting pizza. I’m too shocked at his appearance to say no, plus I was now off my appetite. And then he shows me his car and expects me to just get in. My whole body’s screaming at me “DON’T DO IT DON’T DO IT” and my only thought the entire time was “Dear god, this is how I go. This is it, folks. Nice knowing you all.” And I get in his car.

I was only looking ahead the entire time while he just talked about his car and bad drivers and being italian and bad italian food and motorcycles– just stuff i genuinely don’t give two flying fucks about. So we drive past a Tim Hortons and at this point I’m try to remember how to tuck and roll out of cars. He simply tells me he doesn’t like the people there. I just nod and start texting my friends what his car looks like in case I get murdered in 20 minutes.

FINALLY, we get some iced caps and sit in a parking lot, him talking more about clubbing and how italian he is, me just nodding. I slyly text my friend to call in 15 minutes pretending to be my roommate and that I need to go home. So she calls and this is basically how the conversation goes:

Me: Hello? Her: Heeeeeeeeey, it’s your roommate. Our basements flooded and I need you home. Me: are you serious?? i told you not to bug me tonight! Her: yeah but I need you. I’m sorry! Me: FINE OKAY I GUESS I HAVE TO GO HOME.

And unfortunately Italian Clubber caught on immediately to what I was trying to do. He says “yeah it’s fine whatever I get it when your girlfriends call to save you from a bad date” and I reply, feeling kind of guilty, “OH NO, this is very serious. I’m actually so mad right now.” And eventually he buys it.

So he starts driving me back to the res building and just when I think I’m in the safe zone, the possibility that he may want a kiss when i say bye pops into my mind. Then, he asks if I wanted to be dropped off at my actual apartment to which I reply “OH.. yeah I forgot my apartment address. Just moved here problems haha…”

Basically the date ended with me booking it out of car at the res building, saying “YEAHI’LLTEXTYOUTOMORROWOKAYBYE!”

I didn’t text him again.

[dinnerwithtinder]

A Foreign Encounter

I should mention right off the bat that I didn’t meet foreign initially off tinder, but instead through a group on Facebook where people from our college can connect for parties, general info, etc. and I was not attracted to him by any means.

So how did I end up going on a date with him? I wish I knew, too.

Well, I’m not sure if others do this but i’m 99% sure you have, if you a) have tinder and b) see someone you know on the app. I saw Foreign on my screen and decided to swipe yes on the sole basis of wondering if he swiped yes to me. Hey, I like being flattered. Who doesn’t.

Anyways. He and I exchanged a few joking words on tinder and that was that. Later on, a couple days before school started, I had posted on the Facebook page asking if anyone wanted to explore our area of the city since we all had recently moved and didn’t know our surroundings that well. Foreign messaged me saying he could show me around since he already was living here and knew the city very well. Thinking it was just a friendly gesture, I happily accepted.

I was desperate for friends. He seemed nice enough. Big mistake.

So after awkwardly meeting in front of a res building, we set off in the vague direction of “west”. Now, I’m not in the best walking gear. It’s about 27 degrees celsius. I’m in leggings and a light sweater. With a backpack. It’s fucking hot. I was told where we were going was a surprise, and looking back on that statement I should have been more worried about that, considering it’s something a fucking murderer and/or rapist says. But hey, here I am, just slightly mentally scarred. 

While we’re walking to the mystery destination, I soon learn very fast how foreign he is, which I didn’t even realize through messaging. The conversation was not going very well, even though I would try to give topics left and right.

FINALLY, after over 30 minutes of walking in the fucking suburban sahara we make it to where he wanted to go; the park. Which granted was a very cool park and even had a small waterpark. So we keep walking and he shows me his favourite spot to do work and some of what I’ll call “the suburban forest”. 

The second thing I should mention about this encounter was that the entire time we were together, he would always go to grab the back of my neck or my shoulders, completely ignoring my space bubble. Not fun. When we got back to the park, I went and got a slushie, and we both sat down in the shade to talk some more. We briefly talked about tinder and how successful we were with it. At this point, although I used it quite liberally I’d never met anyone from it, and since we didn’t decide on tinder that Foreign and I were meeting like that I decided it didn’t count. 

WELL we were obviously in different mindsets. He straight up asks me if this could be my first tinder date, to which I could only muster an awkward laugh and nod. Cause what the hell else are you supposed to do????

We eventually start the trek back home, and he asks if I want to see his fish he recently bought, and I agree to, to which he then asks if I wanted to stay for food, suggesting that he would cook for both of us. Obviously I declined.

It was only after when I got home did I realize what the everlasting fuck just happened.

what the fuck.