God is strange.Ā
This past month has been one of the most emotionally stressful / rock bottom ish seasons of my life. But spending the past two weeks in Korea, God really prepared me for an upcoming season of renewal.Ā
For quite some time now, Iāve been injured & couldnāt dance to my best ability. & for the past 6 months or so, despite the constant nagging from people around me to rest & to hurry & heal, I couldnāt get myself to. Something in my heart wouldnāt allow me to let go, & being as stubborn as I can be, I kept dancing. I honestly thought to myself,Ā āIf dancing is Godās heart for me, Heāll heal me.āĀ
& it was very naive for me to think so. God reminded me recently that He doesnāt just give everything His children wants, just because they love it or they want it. God carefully prepares them, disciplines them, & keeps them waiting patiently until they can handle the very thing that they love or want.Ā
As I reflected on all the struggles I went through the past 6 months, sitting on my bed in the middle of a one-room that I rented out in center of Seoul, God spoke to me, loud & clear:Ā āYouāve been a slave to your passionsāĀ
Wow.
YES, God LOVES to watch me dance & YES, He supports me in it. But sitting on that little bed in the middle of the night, I couldnāt deny that as my passion for dance grew bigger & bigger, my commitment & my pursuit of Jesus grew smaller & smaller. God started to remind me of all the times I chose to go to rehearsal over a church event I wanted to go to, all the times I chose to go take class from one of my favorite choreographers instead of going to bible study, all the times I missed Sunday service because I was tired from late night practice the night before. It wasnāt about needing to attend service, needing to read the bible, needing to do this or do that. It was about where my heart lied.Ā
I always talked about how much I love dancing & how much God was blessing me through it, but I wasnāt hungering to know Him anymore.Ā
& a bold question flashed before me: If dance was taken away from you, if your dreams were taken away from you, can you still love God with all of your heart?Ā
Yes. I want my answer to be yes!Ā
I was in a community that didnāt know God, constantly dancing alongside them & having them become my closest friends. I was in a community that based my identity off of my performance & didnāt know how to encourage me regardless of how well I dance or donāt dance.Ā Yet I clung to it, & I let it control me. Ever so desperate to succeed in that very place. & I ran to everything else other than Jesus. I didnāt have authority over my passions; I was was a slave to them. Something that God gave to me as a gift, something that He treasured in me.Ā
I was talking with a friend in Korea, & he brought up the story of Abraham & Isaac in our conversation. My eyes probably got so wide as God began to pour out revelations over revelations on me about why Iāve been going through the things I was going through, & what He wanted me to do next.Ā
Abraham received a promise from the Lord, that his offspring will be more than the stars, & through him, God will bless his nations. & faithfully Abraham waited, an excruciating 25 years, for God to fulfill that promise. & finally, despite the impossible, Isaac was born. To Abraham, Isaac was more precious that we can imagine- he was Godās promise, everything Abraham waited for his whole life. But not long after, God suddenly told Abraham to go & sacrifice Isaac. Yes. God told. Abraham. to kill. his one and only son. Whaaaat? Why? Godās the one that promised great things through Isaac. Abraham waited for so many years for him! Why?!Ā
While I probably wouldāve been flippin the fuck out, Abraham shows a very different response. HE SAYS⦠OKAY, IāLL DO IT.Ā
Abraham trusted in Godās faithfulness. He knew, better than anyone else, that God will keep His promises. & so he obeyed.Ā
In the end, we all know that God was never actually going to let Abraham kill his son. It was a test to see if He can fully trust Abraham with such a great destiny. & Abraham proved to Him that He can.
Dance was my Isaac.Ā
God promised me great things through dancing. & when amazing opportunities came, it felt like God was fulfilling those promises. Yet as my injuries got worse, I was forced to stop doing what I love. It felt as if God was telling me to kill the very thing He promised me. I didnāt understand. Why? He promised me. I waited so long, I worked so hard. Why?Ā
& as I sat there receiving all the revelations God was pouring out on me, I finally connected it. Though now it may seem like God is telling me to kill His promise, He is preparing me to be able to handle a great destiny. Because God is faithful, & He will keep His promises.Ā
So today, I quit my dream dance team.Ā
My team was something I grasped so tightly & couldnāt let go of, but I think God purposely forced me to leave the country for two weeks in order to take me out of the bubble I was in. & as the new season began without me, with everyone already training & getting to know each other while I was stuck out in Korea, I finally was able to ease my grasp a bit, & temporarily let go. I need toĀ rest my body & allow my injuries to heal. Ā
I feel at peace, though. Everything God has been doing in my life, from making me realize how much time I need to be spending with Him, to physically not being able to be in the country because of a bunch of otherĀ things heās been doing in my life (thatās a whole different story), pointed directly to the decision to leave.
My upcoming season of renewal will be consisted solely of hungering for Jesus & pursuing to know Him more, while being able to enjoy my other talents that I buried because of dance. & Iāll be back up on my feet dancing real soon, with a perfectly healed body & an improved character that is able to handle the responsibilities that comes with His promises. Iāll be stronger than ever, hungrier than ever, & though it seems as though Iām being stripped of something that is most valuable to me, I will not give up. I will persevere.Ā