EileenKim

Even the simplest of words can change a person's life.

[mailakue]

25 things I learned when I was 24.

I remember waking up on my 24th birthday thinking to myself, “There is no way I’m going to survive this year.” 24 was hard. I found myself defeated for most of it. But I also found that you can’t taste victory until you face defeat. Unfortunately for me, 24 was the year the Enemy would bruise my heel. Unfortunately for him, 25 (and onwards) will be the years I will crush his head. Sorry, not sorry, Devil. Don’t say God didn’t warn you. He definitely prophesied it. Har har har.

The cool thing about God is that He always exceeds our expectations. I merely wished to survive. God made sure I thrived. There are kingdom principles that will never make any earthly sense to me. God has a way of redeeming stuff and working things out for good. 24 was not easy, but it was good. And since I am no longer young and energetic enough to spend my birthday partying it up, I will sit here and write a blog like an old person about things my Heavenly Father has taught me.

Uncertainty is an opportune time to renew your mind. It is harder to renew my mind when I think I know something. It is easier for God to renew my mind when my mind doesn’t know what to think. Uncertainty is transformative when we fill the gap in our mind with His thoughts instead of our own. Feeling uncertain? Yay. You’re well on your way to transformation.

Love is the goal. Everything else is a fruit of love. Want to grow in prophecy? Grow in love. Want to grow in healing? Grow in love. Want to grow in word of knowledge? Grow in love. Your impact will only ever be as great as your love.

Laughter leads to intimacy. Two things have brought me into greater intimacy with the Lord. (1) Crying to the Father. (2) Laughing with the Father. I love that intimacy isn’t just the intense moments of heart-checks, but also the moments when God says something silly or I do something dumb, and we both just laugh out loud about it.

Silence and presence can coexist. Many times, I’d call up my best friend to cry and she’d just sit silently on the other end of the line for hours. I learned that it’s the same with the Father. His silence doesn’t mean He’s absent. Oftentimes when I cry out to Him, He doesn’t say anything because like a best friend, He knows that sometimes His quiet presence will speak louder comfort than words. 

Do not eat spicy rice cakes and work out immediately after. You will regret every single delicious bite you took. It is not worth the heartburn. I repeat, it is not worth it!

The trick is not to get God to speak. The trick is to understand how God speaks to you. It took this year for me to learn some of the ways God speaks to me, like through random objects. One of the most profound words God gave me was through a traffic light. A TRAFFIC LIGHT!!! Had I not learned to keep my eyes open to hear Him speak, I would’ve easily continued on in life feeling like God doesn’t speak to me, and would’ve missed out on an incredible word!

You’ll get answers to who you are when you make it about Him. I found that when my prayers started with me asking God about myself (i.e. I’m hurt! I’m sad! Do you care?!), I eventually got too defeated to stick around long enough to focus on Him. But when I began my prayers focusing on Him (i.e. You are good, You are love, You are holy), He would reveal not only who He was, but who I am in light of those things. And it was impossible to feel defeated in prayer times like this.

If someone hurts you, thank them. Behind every hurt is a lie. Your offender most likely triggered a lie that you didn’t know was there. Their offense against you is an opportunity for promotion in the kingdom. Steward the hurt in a way that will bring you to greater freedom. Your offender is never the enemy. They will help jumpstart you on a journey to discovering truth, and that is the sweetest revenge you can have against the Enemy.  

Heaven’s grading system is based on obedience, not results. The cool thing about God is that He cares less about the outcome, and more about the heart. There’s room to make mistakes! If your YES to Him is 100%, but you completely flop in the attempt, you still get a standing ovation.

There’s freedom in knowing you don’t bring that much to the table. There’s no such thing as pressure in the kingdom. When I felt like I needed to be right, I was scared to do things. When I realized I had been made right, I felt so free to do things.

Acne isn’t just for adolescents. Le sigh. For those of you who thought you got through your teen years without acne, don’t celebrate too soon. Goodbye clear skin. Hello acne. I’M 25 YEARS OLD. GO AWAY.

Ask God what He thinks about you. Making this a daily habit has changed my life tremendously. When I know who I am, the Enemy stops wasting energy trying to deceive me.

Your job is to inspire. The Holy Spirit’s job is to transform. This helped me let go of having to make all the right decisions, have all the right answers or know all the right stuff. And it gave me space to just know my God and inspire people through my relationship with Him. Leave the big stuff to the Holy Spirit.

Ministry is mostly repainting a picture of who God is. I realized that most people just have a distorted image of God, which explains a lot of the poor decisions they make. The point is not to counsel them into making better decisions. The point is to repaint a more accurate picture of the Father for them. When they see Him for who He really is, they’ll begin to make good decisions because He is good!

Before you water a plant, make sure to double check to see if it’s real or not. This is not a profound analogy. Thank you, Anna for the birthday plant. I now know that I’ve been watering a fake plant for quite some time.

It is impossible to be hurt or offended when you know love. God met me with love. It was crazy. Since that moment, I have found it impossible to be hurt or offended by someone I love. I can hurt for them, but I am not hurt by them. Love really keeps no record of wrongs. It’s crazy how true this really is.

Learning God’s voice is not just knowing what He says, but familiarizing yourself with His tone. For example, the Enemy and the Lord will both reveal sin. The Enemy will speak in an accusing tone that will lead to shame and condemnation. The Lord will speak in a kind tone that will lead to repentance. Discerning the tone will help you know whether or not to pay attention to the voice, no matter how “true” it may be seem. 

The call to following Jesus is heavy but it is not burdensome. His yoke is easy. His burden is light. If following Jesus feels too weighty, it is most likely that the weight is you still carrying your old man. Jesus commanded us to deny ourselves and pick up the cross. Something tells me Jesus figured we were much heavier than the cross, so He made sure to notify us not to bring ourselves on the journey. He knew it would only ever weigh us down. 

It really is possible to pay off your student loans. You just have to be okay with never ever seeing a paycheck, ever. But THANK YOU, LORD. I am almost done and debt-free!  

Find people who believe in you and for you. These are gems everyone needs to find and never lose. Surround yourself with individuals who have a vision for you and refuse you to settle for anything less. They are what will bridge you from being good to great.

The best way to fight the Devil is to ignore him. My greatest battles against the Enemy are not the ones where I warred into the night against him. My greatest battles against the Enemy have been the ones where I didn’t even give him one second of my attention. He is an attention seeker, and I win the moment I refuse to give him any.  

You can fall deeply in love in your singleness. I love that God is jealous for me, and it was in my singleness that I realized how much He was willing to fight for me to know and understand love fully. He refused to sell me short of the love that He paid for. It was in this revelation that I fell deeply in love with Him, with myself, and with others. 

Hunger is contagious. The greatest thing you can do in an environment seemingly complacent is to remain steadfast in your hunger. The main reason people don’t hunger for more is because they don’t know there’s more to hunger for. Your hunger is an invitation for them to go after what they never knew was there.

God doesn’t give love as a gift. He gives Himself because He is love. It made a big difference when I learned that love was not a feeling but a person. Because even on days that felt crummy, I knew He was with me and that was more than enough. 

I am a daughter. This is the identity that Jesus restored to me. I am no longer a servant, a sinner or a slave. I am a daughter who serves because I am loved, and no longer a servant who serves to be loved.

You are my hero if you made it to the very end.

[jspark3000]

Grace: To Rest, To Fight

[jspark3000]

We are in constant battle, and grace is just as much our haven of rest as it is our resolve to fight.

Grace cheers for you, roots for you, and receives you again and again: with a direction and momentum that says you’re better than this.

Grace will confront the sin like a surgeon’s tool and work through it to the messy end.

Grace does not excuse or absolve sin, but acknowledges the reality of our great desperate need as sinners.  It’s not merely comfort, but healing.

Grace is a cross, a substitution, an atonement, a victory over the grave — a handful of gritty truths wrapped in flesh that breathed the air and dirt of this earth.

It’s a beautiful, wonderful, furious, unchanging, heart-stopping love that cannot be shaken no matter what.

Jesus: he is our rest, our fight.

 — J.S.

[jspark3000]

True grace is our rest and resolve. It’s to know that our desperation for validation, approval, and significance is already found in all that God has done for us. It’s work from God’s approval and not for. We can rest. We can quit playing these games of achievement and status and the Olympics and American Idol and Viagra. We can quit squeezing expectations from others which we could only receive from God. We can quit living for ourselves under the weight of a self-absorbed egotistical tyranny. We can quit trying to pay off the gap between who-we-want-to-be and who-we-really-are. Yet — grace also motivates us into the true versions of ourselves. It is the motivation of no-motivation, because we are not trying to “get better” for the sake of improvement, but rather we become better by being loved for the sake of our own essence. We are motivated by beauty rather than practicality or function, because God loves us just-because.

J.S. Park (via jspark3000)

[eileeeenkim]

Striving & competitiveness are no longer a factor when you have embraced the mentality that the kingdom of God is big enough for everyone to play a role.

Doug Addison

[jspark3000]

Grace: A Galaxy in a Cup, a Memory of the Future.

[jspark3000]

I have a past that I’m not very proud of: and earlier today, in a cafe, I saw someone from my past for just a flash of a second.

It was all I needed to remember. In that tiny compact parcel of a second, I replayed every terrible, awful, humiliating moment of self-indulgent excess in a nauseating loop, both the ways I used people and was used, and then: shame. Drowning shame. That awful sick-stomach feeling of tendrils racing up my gut, a stench that begins at the back of the throat to the tip of my nostrils, like choking in reverse.

A Christian might call this “condemnation.” I also call it “standing naked in town hall with every hurtful thing you’ve ever done on the wall, and also it’s very cold in there.”

Slipping, I reached for something in my head, fingernails scratching through a narrowing stone tunnel, spinning, up now down, the verdict pressing in, chains tightening. I felt like that guy on the news who has microphones shoved in his face after a scandal; you know, the carnival games were rigged the whole time, how dare you, you monster. Voices crowded in, the chorus shouting, “You’re not any different, you haven’t changed, I know who you really are"—and somewhere in that mess of lies, I found it.

It’s sort of trite maybe, and one of those moments I groan at during an inspirational Sunday service. But I thought of the verse: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.”

I remember researching this once, and Paul was so excited when he wrote this verse that he skipped all the verbs. Which was very unlike the eloquent Paul. So it actually says, “Therefore anyone Christ, he new creation; old gone, new here.”

I’m imagining how liberating and heart-rending this was for Paul, who once killed Christians for a living and was probably serving at churches where there were family members of people he had persecuted. I’m imagining his nightmares and the regret over people he hurt. I’m envisioning his tears and apologies and humility for these families, only for them to say, “You’ve been re-made, Paul. You’re not who you were. You’re new.” I’m thinking of how much this tenderized him and galvanized him.

That’s what Christians call “grace.” It’s the hope of an undeserved love so that we can bear to be vulnerable in honesty and intimacy. It’s what we crave most and what we’re least willing to give. Yet God, we’re told, is willing to give it freely, at a cost to Himself, wave after wave of that stuff, like galaxies in a cup.

It doesn’t mean we’re not accountable or that everything is just fine. Of course, there must be reparations and reconciliation. But it does mean we’re no longer imprisoned to compensating for the shame of the “old-me.” I’m not bound to paying off my record by faking some kind of head-hanging modesty. The old-me is dead. The old-you is gone. It takes no less than the piercing love of God to put it to death, to die. It takes no less than the restoring love of God to give us breath, to make us alive. That’s the only thing I know that keeps me humble and fills me with confidence at the same time. It’s how we stop tumbling, and stand.

In Christ, no one is ever the same person they were before. It means that I don’t forget where I came from, but I can’t forget where I’m going.

The shame lifted then. Not all the way. Maybe enough to breathe a little. Maybe enough to fight back the voices. Maybe enough to still the past, and reach for hope, for a memory of the future. And that was enough.

— J.S.

[mailakue]

Giftings are not the currency of heaven. Hunger is.

(via mailakue)

[lockedlockedlocked]

I’ll point to myself, do you know why I’ve followed the Lord through tough times and some considerable physical danger? Because in my past I’ve found myself all the way at the bottom of life, with nothing left to live for, nobody I could rely on, and without hope, and at that point, sitting at the bottom of that deep, dark pit, I realized that God was not waiting for me on a mountain somewhere, He wasn’t at the top of the pit telling me to climb out, He was down in the pit with me… The truth is that I found love, just when I needed it the most, and it changed everything. And I’m no fool to dedicate so much of myself to the one who has already given me more than I can ever repay. Each day with my Father gets sweeter and sweeter. I’m being renewed and improved. I have access to an infinite supply of hope, peace, and joy. It’s a relationship, it’s an affair of the heart, so share it that way.

Unka Glen, from this post (via lotic)

[eileeeenkim]

New Blog for 2016!!

http://eileenkim.weebly.com/blog

[eileeeenkim]

I Love The World Too Much

For the past 4 months or so, being away from dancing & pretty much spending a lot of alone time at home, God finally put this specific phase in my character building journey to a close. There were days I complained out of frustration at my temptations, days I cried out to him out of weariness, days I found joy in His presence, & days I fought for Him. & boy, did I fight hard. & after 4 months of just really digging deep into my heart, cleaning out a bunch of junk & surrendering those things to the only One who can really handle it, I found freedom in those areas for the first time in 3 years. That freedom wasn’t found through a crazy retreat experience, or this one revival night at church, or a prophetic word from some famous speaker. It came from coming to the feet of Jesus, every day, for 4 months. Regardless of what I was going through, regardless of what I was feeling.

In 2015, I struggled with sins, struggled with apathy, struggled with God’s promises for my life. One thing I realized as 2015 started coming to an end was that I could’ve easily chosen to let myself feel shame for my sins, ignore God because of my apathy, blame God when I didn’t feel like He was fulfilling His promises, etc. But I chose not to. Because God's heart to know me was never & is never based off of what kind of person I am. & when I refused to let me define His love for me, that's what changed everything.

But that’s what many of us do, isn't it?

“I can’t go to God” “Why not?” “I just love the world too much.”

But since when did it become God vs. The World?  

It’s become so normal for us to hide from God when we sin. Adam & Eve did it, & we do it every day. You think, “I love the world (my sin) too much, that’s why I can’t possibly go to God” But no, God says, “Come to Me, because you love the world (your sin) too much.”

We need God, not because we deserve him out of self perfection or righteousness. We need God, because we can never be perfect without Him. Because we’re broken people, & because we just love this world too much. & when we choose not to hide, & we sit at His feet instead, with dependance & in vulnerability, that’s when He finally gets the space to invade & transform your life. It’s not God vs. The World. God made the world in order to save the world. & God is the only One we need, really, in the broken world we live in.

& although it took me quite a while to learn how to overcome my struggles & to depend on Him to mold me the way He intends, I finally learned that moping around & complaining about how I'm NOT being the person He created me to be isn't really going to do anything. Running to Jesus, knowing that I'm not being the person He created me to be, is actually the way I become that person. Letting him fix the parts of me that need fixing. Letting Him love & encourage me in times of doubt. Letting him pick me up again, & again, & again.

& you know what? That takes time. & it takes failure. But it is possible, because a perfectly good Daddy has a perfectly good plan for me. Because to live my life the way He intended is more of a desire to Him than I can ever know.

My desire for this new year is to come to the feet of Jesus, surrendering daily my brokenness, my dreams, & my desires to Him, the moment I open my eyes every single morning. Because His love changes everything, & His presence is all I need.

Excited for 2016!

[jspark3000]

We Hold On.

[jspark3000]

I’ve been thinking about how much has changed over the last few years.

I’ve been grieving over the reactionary microcosm of social media. The fiery rhetoric. The click-baiting. The “experts.” Beirut, Paris, Syria, the two earthquakes in Nepal, the ISIL threat, the US shootings, the protests in South Korea, racial tension, the political circus, the same celebrity drama.

I’ve been expecting the same predictable cycles at every headline: the outrage, the outrage against the outrage, the ever-loving trolls, the escalating comment sections, and the sudden silence when the bandwagon has moved on. I’ve been thinking how easy it is to lose sight of the real outrage, when we truly have the right to be offended amidst the “crying wolf,” and how unfortunate it is that true pain gets drowned in the viral-seeking echo chambers that never reach across the divide, but choir-preach with buzzwords and snarky flashy lines.

I’ve been wondering if we’re really this crazy. If we’re really this hateful. If we’re finally in the burning wreckage of a dying age. If we’re really this angry about the wrong things and silent about the right things. If we’re really this lost.

I’ve been thinking about how we can get better, or if we’re beyond recovery. That maybe I should give up, and give in to the cynicism, because it’s easier.

I was with a patient in the hospital who had a blood condition. “Derrick” suffered debilitating physical pain his entire life. His knees were twisted in circles, his fingers into claws, his body turned sideways, his eyes burned with baggage. He didn’t have much longer to live. It hurt him to talk, but he wanted to talk so badly. We were face to face, and he spoke about his illness, his dreams, his hopes, his insecurities, his faith, his fears, his family. We didn’t break eye contact for over an hour.

The news was on TV and there was another awful headline. The ticker-tape was scrolling at the bottom, one thing after another. The TV caught Derrick’s eye.

He said, “I don’t understand. I don’t get how we’re still fighting. I don’t understand how we’re still so mad. I’m hurting every second, and I see the news, and people still want to hurt each other. When is it enough? I can’t even play with my kids; I can’t hold them long; I can’t work or run or laugh too loud. If I just … if I could just walk without falling into a heap, the things I would do. The things we could do, you know, and we choose this instead.”

He tried to point to the television but he barely got his arm up.

“I’ll never get better. Physically, I mean. I’m at the end of my time here. But we can get better, you know, in the way that matters. I think if we knew … if we knew we’re all hurting somehow, we might be better. We might reach for each other.”

I looked over at Derrick and he was weeping. For the world. For himself. For me. For you. For us to get better.

And I wept, too. I knew that sort of pain, that desperate burden for healing and connection. To reach across the divide.

Derrick looked at me and said, “This is what matters. Right here. You and me, this is it. Can you stay with me? Can you pray with me? Can you pray for me and the hurting people?”

Through tears, we prayed. At the end, all I could really think to say was, “God—give us hope.”

I prayed for hope against the cynicism. Hope to make the best of it. Hope to hold on in the burning wreckage. Hope that there’s still good in us. Hope that we’ll make it. Hope that we’d find each other with our tiny little time on earth.

We held hands tightly. We held onto hope. — J.S.

[eileeeenkim]

One of my biggest prayers for this year is to be able to serve & invest in the people around me with all of my heart, to be the light amongst darkness, & to surrender my life to Christ first thing in the morning every single day. 2015 was full of mistakes, stress from injuries, a lot of fighting against myself, & a lot of God breaking me & molding me. But I know 2016 will be a year of fruits, victory, joy, & a lot a lot a lot of giving 😊. Excited to grow with this beautiful girl right here! #NewYears #thankyouLord (at Calvary Hosanna Church)

[eileeeenkim]

Man oh man. God has been really breaking me & molding me these past few months, & to be able to be back serving at the same place I started my journey with Him years ago was SUCH a blessing & a reminder of how God has been ever so faithful to me in my life. Never have I felt so strongly God's heart for a group of girls, & it was quite an experience learning the heart of servanthood, perserverance, & the heart of a perfect & loving Father through them. Missing Erica, but you girls (even though y'all are a handful sometimes haha) are more of an encouragement to me than you will ever know. You guys have beautiful faces with even more beautiful hearts. Thank you Lord! #LASarang #winterretreat2015 #juliebeingamodel #whereiserica #ilovethem (at Pinecrest Christian Conference Center)

[eileeeenkim]

There are so many things I fight for in life; some things are harder to fight for than others. Sometimes we grasp onto it so hard & yet we still let it slip right through our fingers. & sometimes, we willingly let it go, & then regret it after. Because letting go was never in our hearts. Because honestly, it was so tiring, grasping onto it for so long. But giving up was never an option. So what can we tell ourselves other than to just keep fighting? Fight for what you believe in. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your morals. Fight to stay true to yourself. Fight to be the best version of yourself you can be. But you have to understand that nobody is quite there yet. Everyone is & will be constantly fighting for something. #latenightthoughts #journalentries #seoul (at Marley Coffee 말리커피 강남점)

[mailakue]

I have a crush on a parable.

Matthew 13

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and hid; and for joy over it he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls, who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.”

The pearl of great price is my favorite parable, ever. I probably revisit this passage at least once a month. And it still moves me every single time.

When I initially read the two parables together, the first one made a lot of sense. A guy finds a treasure. He hides it in a field. Sells all he has. Buys the field. And ends up with the field AND the treasure. It’s a win-win. The man loses all he owns, but gains twice at much. I think the kingdom is like that. When we feel like we’re losing something, the kingdom is actually doubling our portion, if not more.

But when I read the second parable, it made absolutely NO sense. A guy finds a pearl. Sees that it has value. Sells all that he has. Buys the pearl. And what does he get? Nothing but a tiny, little pearl, which probably doesn’t even equal the value of all his previous belongings.  My first thought: This guy is crazy. My second thought: If this is true, who would want any part in the kingdom?

It didn’t make sense to me because I don’t think the kingdom is like a pearl. God doesn’t rob us or offer us an unfair trade… does He?

I reread the passage over and over again to make sense of it until the Lord highlighted something that blew my mind:

The kingdom of God is like a merchant. Not a pearl.

Jesus is not asking for us to give up all that we have for a pearl. He’s given us the treasure. He’s given us the field. He’s doubled our portion. Instead, Jesus is the one who gives up all that He has because He saw that I have great value. He willingly took part of an unfair trade because He counted me worthy. He voluntarily let himself be robbed of all that He had because when He looked at me, He didn’t just see a sinner. He saw a pearl of great price. And that was enough of a reason for Him to give up everything, just so He could have me.

[mailakue]

What the Lord spoke to me during my MRI.

I got an MRI a couple of weeks ago. For those of you who don’t know the process, it’s not fun. You’re stuck in this tiny, claustrophobic tunnel, and also surrounded by an overwhelming, constant noise the entire time. Not a small buzz, but loud banging and clashing and thrashing that even shakes you. It’s pretty scary.

Before I went into the tunnel, the man asked me if I wanted to listen to any music to help make the experience a little friendlier. I requested the Housefires album. I have been listening to Housefires every single day, to and from work, on repeat for 2 hours a day, for the past 3 months. So it was only natural that it was the first thing I thought of.

Once the MRI started, the banging and clashing and shaking started. And I could hear the faint voices, singing in the distant “You’re a good, good father. It’s who you are…” I was pretty frustrated at first because I couldn’t hear the music. “What’s the point of even playing music?” I thought to myself. “I can’t hear anything.” The MRI was way too loud. But a few minutes into it, I closed my eyes and began to focus on the song. Even though I could barely hear it, I began to hum along since I knew the tune so well. And even though I couldn’t hear the lyrics, the music was just audible enough, to where I could hear familiar parts of the song cue me to start singing the lyrics that I have grown to know so well.  

And just as I was singing, “…and I’m loved by you. It’s who I am…” the Lord brought me to a new revelation:

What if our ability to hear God’s voice, especially in tough seasons, is not about how loud and clear He is? What if instead, it’s about our choosing to drown out chaotic, contrary voices and focus on His, no matter how quiet it seems to be? Because we have grown so familiar to His voice in seasons past…Because we have spent so much time talking to Him in our day to day routine…

I used to evaluate intimacy with the Lord with my ability to hear His voice loud and clear in tough seasons. When I could hear Him, it would reassure me that God and I were “tight.” And when I couldn’t, I would get frustrated with myself, and Him, and my relationship with Him.

I’m realizing that intimacy with the Lord doesn’t just take place in the moments when His voice is like, BAM! (which is also pretty awesome). But increasing intimacy takes place in the everyday, mundane things. When I talk to Him during my commute. When I dialogue with Him in my journal. When I say good morning, thanks for the meal, and good night. It’s in these moments that I grow familiar to His voice, maybe without even knowing it…without dramatic proof of the difference that it’s making. So that when I enter seasons that have voices coming at me from every angle, His voice is still so familiar, and it cues me, guides me, leads me through shaking seasons.  

Clarity is not in the volume of God’s voice. It’s in the familiarity of His love, His words and His truth, no matter what chaos seems to be competing against it.

[notandrewmin]

So good

[dinykim]

Freestyle Fears

it says in the bible that God dances over us. well..i figured the best way to improve in the art is to learn from the one who created it in the first place. so… i’ve been asking God to teach me how to dance. I think subconsciously I was just expecting Him to just kind of lay a creative hand over me or something & “blind” people’s eyes with favor to just suddenly make me good. haha. how ignorant of me, right? But Dad has better plans. He always does. & not always in the way that I expect. so..He has recently been taking me into a new season of acceleration in dance through none other than: freestyle. Through exposing myself to it more and more, I’m learning how to be more comfortable in my skin and dancing alone in the middle of cyphers. But today, God asked me the most important question of all:

“why have you been afraid all this time?”

and the second He asked me this question, tons of fears i never knew i had came flooding out.

“well, Dad, i have fear of control in dance. I don’t want to freestyle because I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable to my natural body movements without being able to control what comes next. it’s fear that i have limited creativity to draw from, that eventually I will run out; i’m drawing from earthly resources, not heavenly ones. fear in time: believing the lie that i will be more creative if i have more time to perfect it (ex. choreo). i am believing a lie that creativity takes time. fear of intimacy: freestyle means freedom, but it also means vulnerability. fear of judgment: that people won’t think i’m that good.”

wow. i was being such an orphan. i thought i dealt with all those fears in my life. but i guess not in ALL the areas of my life. so then Holy Spirit just totally owns me & tells me that fear in freestyle translates to a lot of personal fears in character, which is why building your character translates into your dancing. the moment you find breakthrough in character you will find breakthrough in your dance. that’s why it’s a switch you flip; it’s a mental switch not a physical one.

for all the dancers out there who struggle with freestyle like i do, i thought i’d share this revelation with you too.

[eileeeenkim]

FREESTYLE FEARS. I WENT THROUGH IT. YOU WENT THROUGH IT. WE ALL WENT THROUGH IT.

[eileeeenkim]

I AM Creativity.

My whole life, I was afraid to create. Molded by anxiety because I wasn’t skilled enough… to create. Because to create something, it had to be something good, said Society. My own mind started to build boundaries as to how capable I was, trapping me within walls of limitations & self-doubt. & I felt incompetent. I felt incompetent because I didn’t feel self-sufficient. I was dependent on learning from other people, & I couldn’t possibly learn something, let alone make something, on my own. Or so I thought.  One day, I sat in the cool air one early morning on the balcony of a flat we had rented out in Venice, Italy. I was worshipping, then I sat in silence for a bit. Then I cautiously leaned in to for the Lord’s voice. & suddenly, & quite randomly, I heard the Lord ask me, “Do you want to activate your creativity?” Ok. What. Does that even mean.   Again, “Do you want to activate your creativity?” But Daddy… I thought I was already creative… “Ok, but I’m asking, if you want to activate your creativity.” 3 times. K. This must mean something. & still not knowing what it really meant, I boldly answered, “YES! Yes I do!” & almost immediately, He started to show me His creative heart. He gave me visions of me dancing on stage, in videos, & even just in a studio by myself. & He gave me an assurance in the depths of my heart that one day, & very soon at that, I will be able to freely create. & it’ll be good, He said. Not because you’re skilled, but because your resource is Heaven.   I didn’t feel much after that conversation.  I didn’t have some crazy spiritual encounter, & I didn’t feel this surge of creative superpower flow through my body.  I simply smiled, kept worshipping, & then went on with my day.  But strangely, from that moment on, I began to choreograph.  It first started in my head. I was constantly traveling in Europe, with no appropriate space to really dance, with limited music downloaded onto my phone, with no idea of how this so-called choreographing process even worked. But everywhere I went, when I was on the train, when I was on a boat, when I was walking on the streets of Rome, as long as I had a pair of earphones on & the music was playing, I choreographed. In my head. Every, single day that was left of my Europe trip, I choreographed.  & you know what? It probably wasn’t even that good.  & you know what? It took me another 239848 months to get myself to actually transfer the choreo from my head to my physical body.  But here I am, having uploaded my first couple videos on Youtube, & still unknown & still a noob, & I look back & I think about that morning when the Lord drew close to me & quietly & quite gently broke down my self-built walls of fear, limitations, & self-doubt.  That’s where it all started. My journey of choreographing. My journey of becoming a self-sufficient, an independently & freely expressive dancer.  & I’ve still got a long way to go. But at least I’m going.  & then I think about all the other skills I want to cultivate in life other than dance.  (Some of them are a secret, shhhh).  & I look at all the hard work I put into dancing & I look at all the other things just messily laid out on my table & I think to myself,  When in the world am I ever gonna get good at these too?  But I trust. I trust in the same God who first drew near to me & broke my boundaries.  I trust in a God who activates every area of creativity in my life, at His own divine timing.  I trust in a God who offers Heaven’s resources.  & I patiently pursue this thing called creativity.  Because I am creativity.  & I can do all things through Christ, who lives in me.  So I will practice, & practice, & then I will practice again.  & I will create, & create, & then create again.  I will fall, I will get up, & probably will fall again. & sometimes I’ll suck, & sometimes I’ll be good,  but I’ll never put boundaries on myself again.  Because when I thought I couldn’t do it, God Himself told me I could.