dire emblem awakening

The three worst playthroughs we could possibly imagine.

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 6: Statues of Women and Female Cadavers

As the title above implies, I got LON'MIRIEL'S B Support convo and holy shit I love them both so much dear lord. Also, I somehow managed to get my Part numbers to reflect my Chapter numbers...? What sorcery is this?!

So yeah, Chapter 6, go!

I had a few Risen battles pop after the end of Chapter 5 so here are the new Support levels:

FREDLY: A

LON'MIRIEL: B

LAHL: B

KELLABELLE: C

CHAPTER SIX: FORESEER

MARTH: I knew the assassins were there, which proves I'm from the future and also on your side!

AHA: Yeah, or, y'know, that you're staging an elaborate farce to gain our trust. But we can go with the first one I guess. What do you say, Chrom?

CHROM: HOLY SHIT MARTH IS A GIRL.

Emmeryn is under attack from Jaffar Validar and we gotta go save Her Luminosity, so here's the team:

Chrom, Aha, FREDLY, LON'MIRIEL, KELLABELLE, LAHL.

I would include Donnel and Sumia since their future-boos show up in this chapter but they'll probably die too quickly to be useful. LOL ALSO I noticed just in time that Lon'qu had no sword left so he yoinks a spare Iron Sword from the convoy to be renamed after the battle. RIP STRONGNAME, you were an excellent piece of hardware. Also, Kellam retrieves his Throwstick from Sumia for the duration of the battle.

Let the fight begin!

Marth, why are you guarding the locked door when there's a hole in the wall on the side of Emmeryn's room that the enemy can get in through?

...Sighs.

Lissa gets to be Gaius-bait this time around, standing on the edge of his aggro field to draw him close enough for Chrom to talk to and recruit him on the next turn. FREDLY plugs the middle staircase with their massive horse butts while KELLABELLE rides over to reinforce/heal and LON'MIRIEL and Aha take the Eastern staircase.

Panne shows up, yay! And Chrom recruits Gaius successfully, double-yay! I'm glad I get to enjoy Gaius through the lens of the 3ds because his supports indicate to me that irl he'd be one of those gross, sticky dudes who seems like he never showers. What person in their right mind hides their candy stash in their clothing?! Gaius, that's fucking who.

CHROM: Wanna join me and not kill my sister?

GAIUS: Ya gotta sweeten the deal.

CHROM: I can give you so much gold.

GAIUS: C-CANDY, I'LL TAKE THE CANDY.

GAIUS: And, I mean, cough, the gold, too. Lbr, I need it more than you do, Fancypants.

LAHL takes over for Chrom/Gaius and continues to suck. FREDLY and KELLABELLE, meanwhile, are critting the shit out of the middle staircase like the bamfs they are. Panne starts making her way over to Aha so they can have their glorious team-up. LAHL is definitely going to need some help so KELLABELLE gets left to defend their staircase alone which... whatever, Kellam is wearing a giant metal suit, all he really has to do is sit down on the top step and laugh at all the assholes who can't hit him.

On the next turn Stahl goes down like a weenie, leaving it to FREDLY and Lissa to hold the line on the West entrance. Chrom would have probably preferred to turn around to go help Lissa but sorry, you and Gaius need to get that chest that's beckoning to you so sweetly in Emmeryn's room.

GAIUS: Sup, Emm. Don't mind me, just protecting you and not robbing you of your valuables or anything like that.

CHROM: Omfg, shut up.

It contains a Secret Book, aka one of those items I forgot I wasn't allowed to use in this game. Oh well, I can always use more vendor trash.

Omfg all I can hear in my head right now is Kellam using that one line Ozruk screams at everyone in Stonecore.

KELLAM: BREAK YOURSELVES UPON MY BODY.

MARIBELLE: Must you? Really, must you?

As you might be able to guess, nothing is fucking getting past KELLABELLE on the central staircase lmao. Lissa comes over to hang out while FREDLY dishes out some wrath on the posse by the western entrance and LON'MIRIEL and Aha/Panne start trekking over to offer their own assistance. For some reason it seems like Jaffar Validar always comes up on the west side so it's time for everyone to group up for the boss battle. (My theory is he's not an ambi-turner.)

Validar slaps the shit out of Chrom using pure deja vu (and, y'know, his tome of Elfire) but Maribelle is on hand to lay down some heals that HOPEFULLY DON'T CAUSE CHROM TO FORGET ABOUT HIS VILLAGE MAIDEN SWEETHEART, GDI I WISH I WAS PAYING MORE ATTENTION RIGHT THERE.

Anyway, right after that LON'MIRIEL crit-one-shots Validar because hell yeah is why!

Somewhat unsurprisingly, KELLABELLE are the Stage MVPs. I still can't fucking get Ozruk's voice out of my head lmaooo.

OH NO I MADE IT WORSE LOLLL.

KELLAM: BREAK YOURSELVES UPON MY BODY.

MARIBELLE: I can't marry this moron.

KELLAM: FEEEEEL THE STREEENGTH OF THE EEEAARTHHHH.

MARIBELLE: Why won't anyone stop him?

Ahaha okay back on topic... Marth is out-y once more as soon as the battle is done. Chrom chases after her because he wants to thank her for sitting on one fucking tile for the entire duration of the battle to save Emmeryn's life? Then we cut to Panne's introduction, and I'm excited because I love this fierce rabbit bamf. 

EMMERYN: I personally apologize for the people who basically made your race extinct, Panne.

PANNE: Wow. 

PHILA: I've been the head of your guard for quite some time now and I've never seen you slay a taguel, milady.

EMMERYN: But everything in the world is my fault even if it totally isn't whatsoever!

PANNE: You seem incredibly stupid, but also incredibly sincere. Eh, I'll join your group, it's not like I have anything else to do, being the last of my species and all. 

Over in the Shadowlands, Scar Jaffar Validar has a meet-cute with his ??? benefactor, who is apparently a naked chick comprised of purple and darkness. Oh snap she's actually a dragon. Which is weird, I thought they were lizards.

The chapter ends with Chrom convincing the Exalt to take refuge in the Eastern palace because, I dunno, assassins can't cross the Mississippi or something. A risen battle pops so it's time to go deal with that since there are no supports from the Emmeryn battle... ; ;

FREDLY, LON'MIRIEL, LAHL, and KELLABELLE take the field. with Kellam still humming the song from earlier. 

Uh... this map is filled entirely with Wyvern Riders it looks like so since LAHL has nowhere to hide he gets to sit on the closest fort and pray he survives. Good luck, buddy.

Lon'qu hits 13, holy shit, where are my gd seals. Meanwhile FREDLY climbs the embankment while carefully avoiding FORT SPARKLES, AUGH. Finally KELLABELLE plant themselves on the path to the bottom third of the map, because there's at least one non-wyvern riding Risen he can fuck with by doing so. He also hits level 10, grats dude!

Miriel gets some time on the frontlines and LEVELS FROM TWO TO SIX IN ONE TURN HOLY SHIT HER DODGE IS GODLY. If I didn't know better I'd say picking +LUCK for MU gave me RNG magic.

And then, as if to make up for the disappointment of no supports at the end of the last chapter, I've got one for three-quarters of my pairs from the Risen spawn! 

FREDLY TIES THE KNOT AND GBFHISAG IT'S ADORABLE, DIRECT QUOTE:

SULLY: Okay, my heart is pretty much just sunbeams and puppies right now.

OMFG, ANOTHER DIRECT QUOTE.

FREDERICK: Sully, my love, will you be my sunbeam?

SULLY: Only if you'll be my puppy!

FLIPS LAPTOP ONTO THE FLOOR.

Oh god and it's followed by one of my absolute favorites, the A Support between Lon'qu and Miriel I can't handle this, it's going to kill me. Miriel you adorable KY shit, UGH.

Way less excited about the KELLABELLE support but whatever, the previous ones more than made up for it.

<—PREVIOUS     NEXT—>

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 5: Codename Sarah's Husband Sucks

That's right, in this chapter the party gets to meet King Gangrenous Asshole! :D Yay!

CHAPTER 5: THE EXALT AND THE KING

AHA: ...The fuck is a 'fire emblem'?

CHROM: I'll tell you later, I have an incredibly contrived war to officially begin.

The negotiations break down because, like everyone already figured out, they weren't really negotiations. :[ Emmeryn I think you're a little too trusting, just saying. Then Ricken pops up out of nowhere and saves Maribelle... right into the middle of the Plegian forces, sigh. Ricken, stop helping.

On the bright side, I get my Maribelle back and also I get to start using one of my favorite pairing names: KELLABELLE!

The team is fielded as follows: LAHL, FREDLY, LON'MIRIEL, KELLABELLE, Chrom/Ricken, Aha.

FREDLY goes up the hill to give Ricken and Maribelle some breathing room while LON'MIRIEL lets themselves loose on the enemies to the West. Aha gets to camp on the fortress above while LAHL is assigned to babysit the one outside of enemy range to the South. Aha hits level 10 but I don't have any seals, yayyy.

In hindsight I shouldn't have left Stahl on the bottom fort because a ranged enemy immediately sets his sights on him and Stahl can only sit there like an idiot, "Whuh, was that an axe that just flew past my face?" He'll have to ride it out until I can free up one of my useful pairs to come help him out.

Chrom/Ricken briefly abandon their own fort to come save Stahl's ass. I have to avoid the one in the middle of the map because THERE'S A SPARKLY IN IT. ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) IT'S PERFECTLY POSITIONED FOR A HEAL RESPITE, TOO, GDI.

Ugh, whatever. I throw Aha into the aggro range of the final enemy unit on the map so he has to fly his lazy ass over to me instead, and then I have LON'MIRIEL tag-team the shit out of him. CHAPTER COMPLETE, ASSHOLE.

AHA: Omfg, why can't I marry you, Maribelle?

MARIBELLE: Excuse me?

FREDERICK: Ignoring that... we need to return to Ylisstol to sort out this new mess.

AHA: Kay, let's beat feet.

MARIBELLE: Are you even speaking English?

Oh no this is so sad. I opened up my barracks after the battle to find SullyxDonnel improving their relationship. IT'S LIKE THEY REMEMBER THEIR PAST LIVES AND WISH TO REUNITE, DAMN THE CRUEL HAND OF FATE. I'm sorry you two, but it cannot be...

OH HEY CHECK IT OUT THOUGH, LON'MIRIEL REACHED SUPPORT LEVEL C. :D

<—PREVIOUS     NEXT—>

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 4: The Hick With Purple Hair

After the failed experiment in the last post, I'm jumping back into Ylisse with one goal in mind: recruit that fucker, Donnel.

PARALOGUE ONE: SICKLE TO SWORD

DONNEL: HALP, BLARGLE BLARGLE DUMB ACCENT.

AHA: Wait, could you say that again?

FREDERICK: Step back, Lady Lissa. He appears to be rabid.

To be honest, I really don't hate Donny that much. Once I realized you could trap the archer to the north with a bunch of Shepherds in melee range to give Donny an easy kill I got over how fucking awful I thought he was. He's typically my Kjelle!Dad because of awesome reasons (GF, Sully supports, purple hair matching her purple armor, etc) so I've actually somewhat grown to like him.

And now I'm sacrificing him to my second worst child, Yarne. Sigh. Let's go recruit him.

The units on the field are: FREDLY, LAHL, LON'MIRIEL, Chrom/Vaike. 

I'm leaving them unpaired for now so as to more easily surround that asshole archer, but first I need to get rid of the other douchebags in range. LON'MIRIEL gets the honor of sweeping out the trash while Vaike gets to be the archer bait. I accidentally left Donny in range of said archer but he's apparently capable of tanking at least one hit. At least he'll have an arrow-to-the-soandso story for his grandkids and random passersby.

Donny misses on his sixth turn so it takes him eight fucking turns to kill the archer, but when he does he levels so it all works out. WELCOME TO THE SHEPHERDS, BUDDY.

On Turn 10 everyone gets healed up and shipped off to wipe the rest of the enemy scrubs off the map, except for Donny who gets to hold down the fort because idk protecting the spawn point is important, okay?!

LON'MIRIEL AWAY!

Lon'qu hits level 5 and very pointedly ignores the sparkly to his right. ; ; Continuing forward, the other Shepherds all break out the popcorn to watch LON'MIRIEL vanquishing all of their foes.

LON'QU: STRONGNAME SHALL BE YOUR DOOM, RUFFIAN.

MIRIEL: BURNITALL!

Stahl gets doubled by a Thief class Ruffian lol he sucks sooo hard. ; ; Chrom finishes Stahl's Ruffian out of pity, giving Vaike a legitimate reason to gloat for once. 

LON'MIRIEL are going for MVP for this level so they charge into the boss room to kick the Archer's ass all the way to hell before turning on the bossman himself. Paralogue 1 ends and Donnel joins the party officially. The victory is bittersweet.

Support Updates:

FREDLY: B

<—PREVIOUS     NEXT—>

[dire-emblem]

SARAH: PAIRING JUSTIFICATION

Let's set the scene: I just googled "justification synonym" looking for a word that better connoted "like, for a war crime." Here are the plans.

Knowing basically jack shit about the actual stats of any given character in the game, my main strategy was pummeling google with a series of abortive searches. 

It was SURPRISINGLY FUCKING HARD. It turns out people don't spend a ton of time figuring out the worst way to play games, which meant I actually had to execute some judgment of my own. Which mostly means I utilized roughly the same anti-strategies as [Kate].

I tried to favor parents whose stat benefits canceled each other out, because I think that creates a funnier, more roundedly useless child. In a few cases, I had to resort to class inheritance overlap. This is a less favorable handicap, IMO, because it merely limits the kid's full potential instead of making them a completely unviable genetic mistake.

Where there were either too many or too few options to make the absolutely perfect biological storm, I defaulted to whatever seemed funniest or grossest. FMU/Gangrel is the obvious example; she was lovingly crafted to make this pairing as skeevy as possible.

She is, straight up, a child.

In conclusion: thanks to my carefully calculated hegemonic machinations, these poor kids never had a chance.

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 3: The interlude wherein my ass is thoroughly kicked.

Remember how my friends dumped their high level Spotpass teams on my map in the last post? Well, to increase the pain factor we have decided to implement a new rule:

You must fight all Spotpass teams who appear on your map.

So, this is gonna be horrific.

EDIT: Okay this isn't a rule anymore because we didn't realize losing to Spotpass teams meant Game Over, so feel free to imagine Aha is just a really bad tactician who tried to fight Batman not once, but twice because she's an idiot. No other justification necessary. :)

TEAM 1: BRUCE (srahberry)

Sigh. It's here, Bruce, the crime is right here. :(

BRUCE'S TEAM RATINGS: between 209-272

AHA'S TEAM RATINGS: between 32-69 

Oh my god, Bruce, fuck you. To postpone my imminent ass-whooping, I take this opportunity to reforge all of my weapon names.

Frederick's Silver Lance becomes... CHROMHEART

Sully's Iron Lance becomes... Skewered!

Aha's Thunder Tome becomes... BZZZT, and her Bronze Sword becomes SHITDPS. This will apparently not be viewable to all users... LOL. Thanks for the warning, Fire Emblem.

Kellam's Sumia's Javelin becomes... Throwstick, and her Iron Lance becomes... PrprtyOfSumia.

Lon'qu's Killing Sword becomes... STRONGNAME, because on my bottom screen he said, "...Make it a strong one." Np buddy, I got you covered. 

Lissa's Heal can't be reforged so... sorry Lissa.

Stahl's Bronze Sword becomes... STOPSUCKING, which will hopefully encourage him to be less of a piece of shit in future battles.

Miriel's Fire Tome becomes... BURNITALL.

Kellam's Iron Lance becomes... PleaseSeeMe.

Virion's Bow becomes... MyOwnerSux.

That about wraps it up for the weapon names, and for my attempts to avoid the painful future, but it's time to pull up my adult pants and head to battle.

It doesn't really matter who takes the field since I'm not going to win, but here's my team: Chrom/Vaike, FREDLY, LON'MIRIEL, Aha/Sumia.

For my first turn I just move everyone backwards so that my opponents have to come to me, because if I'm going to be slaughtered I want it to be on my side of this fucking quaint little river. (The battle map is the Northroad.) 

Aha's BZZZT misses Cordelia. Cordelia counterattacks and brutally murders Lon'qu, leaving Miriel ALONE AND UNDEFENDED. GOODBYE SWEET LON'MIRIEL.

LOL I FORGOT THAT IF CHROM DIES IT'S AUTO FAILURE, SO THIS BATTLE ENDS PREMATURELY.

I start over and make sure to remove both Aha and Chrom from my team. Hi again Bruce, let's make this even quicker than last time, shall we?

NEW TEAM: FREDLY, LON'MIRIEL, LAHL, Sumia/Vaike.

I decide not to attack during my turn because it was sad that Cordelia was hogging all the killshots in my first attempt. Nah takes out my Lon'qu, LON'MIRIEL NOOO, etc etc. Owain removes Miriel from existence directly afterward because even the Spotpass AI cannot bear to keep LON'MIRIEL apart. Owain Galeforces and takes down Vaike, which is just fine by me tbh. Cordelia then decides to murder her bff Sumia, because I'm sure she has her reasons. Cordelia GFs, murders Stahl. Nowi takes out Lissa. Enemy!Lissa kills Frederick. Sully gets GF murdered by Lissa as well.

GAME OVER AGAIN.

Uh... we should probably review the suitability of the newest rule...

<—PREVIOUS     NEXT—>

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 2: The journey to unlock my inventory screen...

I need to be able to access my inventory screen to take pictures of MU for my first write-up post so, on to Chapter Two!

CHAPTER TWO: SHEPHERDS

SUMIA: Oh, a new recruit! It's nice to meet you...?

AHA: Aha.

SUMIA: ?_?

AHA: Gdi.

Lissa brings Aha to meet some of the other Shepherds. Maribelle shows up (whee! ilu gurl!) then skedaddles, leaving me only Sumia's faceplants to enjoy. The prince shows up and Sumia introduces herself to the floor. Chrom, I'm not sure her boots have anything to do with it... I mean, did you notice she doesn't have any ankles?

Stahl shows up late because Vaike's developed early-onset Alzheimer's from repeated concussions (he uses his head as his weapon whenever he misplaces his axe, you heard it here first.) Frederick explains the sword/axe/lance triangle, which I once again forget instantly. I want to get working on my pairings so the field looks like this: LAHL, FREDLY, Vaike/Chrom, Aha/Miriel, Virion on his sad lonesome. 

Stahl MISSES, YOU PIECE OF PUKE AUGH. 

Adding insult to injury, Virion, on his own, CRITS AND KOS HIS ENEMY GFDI. Stahl, I am so fucking ashamed of you right now.

Virion levels up (cries) and Stahl gets to sit in his shame-fortress to regen health for a few turns. Aha manages to get the kill on the Risen Chief and hit level 5 so our party can move on to the next chapter. Uh... after Sumia's shoujo-lensflare-pegasus scene, that is. Chrom ignores all of it--his mind still lingers on that mysteriously alluring Village Maiden he glimpsed oh so briefly in the Prologue.

Still haven't unlocked my inventory screen, so the adventure continues!

CHAPTER THREE: WARRIOR REALM

FREDERICK: Maybe our Tactician should help us prepare for battle...

AHA: CACKLE THIS IS THE MOMENT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

Inventory screen unlock! 

Virion gets to sit this one out so Aha can hang with Miriel. The field looks like this: Chrom/Vaike, LAHL, FREDLY, Aha/Miriel. Eventually I'll be joined by Kellam/Sumia on round two or whatever. Anyways, the battle starts and Raimi comedically misinterprets Chrom's attempts at diplomacy because WE TALK WITH OUR SWORDS IN REGNA FEROX, IDIOTS. I should have known better than to expect sense-making from a bowl cut.

Chrom sacrifices his first turn to get the shit scared out of him by Kellam who gets partnered with Sumia because the only thing that could possibly give him even less peripheral vision is giant fucking pegasus wings flapping around his face. 

Stahl is forced to retreat so Lissa can heal his dumb ass, leaving Aha to eat all of his potential exp, sighs. They clear the bottom level of the fort and pick up two door keys because the Feroxi are morons and they want people to break into their forts. I dunno, maybe Raimi thinks it's dishonorable to prevent these 'bandits' from breaking themselves on her armor. Either way, the party heads for the stairs and promptly massacre all the Feroxi they find inside. This is apparently all cool because beating Raimi and murdering all of her men gets me an audience with my boo, Khan Flavia! :D

CHAPTER FOUR: FUCK ME FUCK ME TWO FALCHIONS

There were three 3DS's in my vicinity last night when I started this file so as soon as I hit Chapter Four and unlocked my Wireless menu ALL THREE AVAILABLE VENDOR CHAPTERS GOT COVERED BY THE ASSHOLE AVATARS OF MY FRIENDS GFDI.

Anyway, I get my supports from the last chapter out of the way so now my pairings are as follows:

LAHL: C

FREDLY: C

Segregating Chrom from the womenfolk is a fun element to make the chapter battles less boring. If it ends up being too difficult to have him on the field I can always stick him behind Fred so they can continue their beautiful support building. Last thing to note before I start this Chapter Battle is that Donnel's Paralogue has popped on the southeast corner of my map, so that's waiting for me afterwards. I'd do it right now but I already wrote out the chapter title above and I'm too lazy to reformat.

ONWARDS TO REGNA FEROX.

The Feroxians totally remind me of Klingons, I can definitely see Flavia and Basilio yelling, "KHAAAANN!!" at each other. Plus you can rearrange 'Regna' to spell 'Anger'. THE KINGDOM OF ANGRY ROCKS.

Aha sticks her foot in her mouth in front of Flavia because she's got a really overactive imagination apparently, though if that's where her fantasy takes her then maybe Walhart isn't too far off the mark after all... Shudder.

For some reason Chrom agrees to battle in the Arena Ferox instead of just... asking Basilio to give him the army he needs instead of Flavia? Hopefully nothing happens to Emmeryn because Chrom doesn't really seem ready for the throne... Or hey, maybe we can skip Chrom and let Lissa inherit the halidom. :D She can be the Prank Queen, and Stahl can be her Puke Prince. 

That's all off topic though, so let's get back to the Arena. On the field are: FREDLY, Chrom/Vaike, and Aha/Sumia. The reasoning here is that Sumia sucks, and her future hubby Gaius sucks even more utterly when he's first recruited so I'm gonna beef up Sumia a bit to give Gaius a meat shield for when they're building supports later on. She steals Kellam's javelin so she's got a ranged option and because she needs all the fucking help she can get. x_x

The cutscene starts and we get to see how twirly and flippy Chrom and Marth are. And how their swords are the same. And how their hair matches. I'm sure this is all pure coincidence.

AHA: Wait, why do we only get six people for our team and they get nine?

CHROM: Ew, I'll let you handle the numbers. BBL, I need to go do some flips and shit.

Despite this display of bravado, Sully is actually the one who takes down Marth with 1 HP left because she's a badass motherfucker aw yeahh. 

After the fight we regroup with Flavia so she can invite us to a wild party, then Buzzkill Basilio (Flavia's words, not mine!!) shows up to dump our favorite stoic gynophobe on the party. HEY LON'QU LEMME INTRODUCE YOU TO YOUR WAIFU, MIRIEL. I SHALL NOW REFER TO YOU BOTH AS LON'MIRIEL, AND ALSO YOUR FUTURE CHILD, IT WON'T BE CONFUSING AT ALL I PROMISE.

Also, Lissa gets all goo-goo-eyes over Marth and Aha has to take her aside like, SISTER, YOU ARE MARRYING STAHL. ALSO [SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS] STOP IT.

LON'QU: He gives orders. I stab people. I think our roles are clear.

Favorite line in the game tbh.

We get back to Ylisse and shit is going down! Maribelle's been kidnapped by srahberry's husbando and AHA WILL NOT STAND FOR THAT SHIT, GDI. MARIBELLE, I'M COMING FOR YOUUUU--!

<--PREVIOUS     NEXT-->

[dire-emblem]

KATE, PART 1: IT BEGINS...

Meet Aha, my +LUCK/-SPEED FMU:

She doesn't know it yet, but she has a thing for lobsters.

PREMONITION: INVISIBLE TIES

CHROM: Aha, why are you so far away?

AHA: No touching.

CHROM: Wh--

AHA: NO TOUCHING.

I may be a little overzealous re: neglecting Chrom into marrying the Village Maiden, but I only want to play through this file once so extreme measures and all that. Chrom gets in the kill hit on Validar for a Stage Complete and the barbecue!Chrom cinematic.

PROLOGUE: THE VERGE OF HISTORY

CHROM: So you... don't remember your own name?

AHA: It's on the tip of my tongue... hmmm I think it's... Aha!

CHROM: Oh good, you remembered? What is it?

AHA: Aha.

CHROM: Yes, you said that already.

AHA: Omfg.

CHROM: Is that foreign?

We all run over to Southtown, which is on fire. Not sure why no one suspects Frederick here, he's ALREADY ON THE SCENE AND EVERYTHING, but whatever I guess we can kill those brigands while we line up our evidence.

Fear not random maiden who is potentially Chrom's future wife! We'll save you!

On a sidenote, isn't it weird that in a country ruled by one of the most extreme pacifists ever there's, y'know, no criminal justice system? I mean, there aren't any jails or anything?? Literally your only choice is to kill these brigands because rehabilitation and incarceration are options that apparently just don't exist??? Wth Emmeryn, I think you need to get on this.

But back to the bloody murder: Chrom and Freddy get paired up bc their supports are beautiful and I'll need some small light of hope for this game. Aha narrowly avoids a sparkly, goddamn this rule is going to be difficult. @_@ All of my instincts are screaming at me to stand on the sparkly, years and years of habit and positive reinforcement telling me everything will be okay if I just GO STAND ON THE SHINY SHIT. THIS IS SO HARD, GOD.

Chrom steals the kill like the glory hog he is so Aha moves into the next chapter without any extra levels to help save her. Not so lucky, are ya, punk?!

CHAPTER ONE: UNWELCOME CHANGE

AHA: Pass the meat, Freddy-bear.

FREDERICK: What did you just call me?

AHA: Um... Frederick? That's your name, right? Seriously though, I'll take the whole flank, I'm starving.

There are so many reasons why hunting down a bear at night is fucking ridiculous so I'm not going to get into it here. Suffice it to say Frederick is overcompensating with his domesticity again (Chrom goes to pick up dry twigs, Fred goes to hunt down a gd bear, jfc.) Lissa and Fred go hungry due to their bear-meat-aversion which is unfortunate because they have a night of terror ahead of them.

Chrom gets up in the middle of the night for a potty break and has to make up an excuse when Lissa decides to follow him. ("Uh... I sense... something weird? Idk I'm gonna go look for the anomaly behind this thicket of trees where you can't see me. Regroup in fifteen.")

He pulls up his pants in time to meet back up with Lissa when the ground starts to shake and, y'know, fiery cataclysm begins raining down on them. The Sk-eyeball barfs out some creepy undead dudes and Marth comes to save the day, whoo! Chrom would have gotten there sooner, Lissa, but he buries his sword two feet in the fucking ground after every attack and it takes him a while to pull it back out, King Arthur style.

Aha and Frederick show up to the party way too late and Marth has already bounced. I want to use that fort but THERE'S A FUCKING SPARKLY IN IT, SITTING THERE, MOCKING ME. My screams of frustration echo through the burning forest. 

Sully and Virion show up. It amuses me that Virion was apparently just... wandering around through a forest fire apocalypse but was so distracted by his attraction to Sully that he didn't notice? Anyway, Sully gets paired with Aha, leaving Virion on his own to die or whatever. This is Casual mode, idgaf.

Virion, sadly, doesn't die, but whatever, that's what the next chapter is for. Aha gets the Risen Chief Kill and also Tome Level D! Holy smokes!! Marth shows up again after apparently slaughtering unseen hordes of Risen without breaking a sweat. Then Marth stoics away and the party gets to time-skip to Ylisstol for our first glimpse of lensflare Emmeryn. But the most exciting thing is SUPPORT CONVOS ARE UNLOCKED, AND GUESS WHO HAS A FREDDY/CHROM SUPPORT JUST WAITING FOR HER?

IT'S MEEEE!

FREDERICK: Ah, and one final thing: I've taken measures to raise troop numbers and morale...

SULLY: [wolf whistles from her tent]

LISSA: [shrieks from her tent]

AHA: [blushes so hard her tent combusts]

NEXT --> 

[tothelee]

KATE: Pairing Justifications

My approach to the pairings was to separate all of the male and female candidates into groups based on whether they are a primarily physical or magical stat build. I didn’t look at any actual numbers (besides loling at Vaike’s MAG 1 stat when I opened my ds to check that it was, in fact, complete shit) so I take full responsibility for any miscategorizations. I mean, I don’t care also, so.

Once categorized, I tried to match up candidates who negated each others’ strengths or offered classes that wouldn’t help the child at all. Tie-breakers usually went to the pairing that made me gag the most. SO ANYWAY, HERE ARE THE WINNERS:

Read More

[dire-emblem]

AMANDA'S PAIRINGS

Cordelia ♥ Donnel Nowi ♥ Virion Sully ♥ Frederick MMC ♥ Tiki, whoever that is????? Miriel ♥ Stahl Sumia ♥ Gaius Maribelle ♥ Vaike Olivia ♥ Gregor Tharja ♥ Kellam Lissa ♥ Lon'qu Cherche ♥ Henry Panne ♥ Libra Chrom ♥ always knew who this woman would be....... village maiden

[dire-emblem]

KATE'S PAIRINGS

Village Maiden ♥ Chrom

FMC ♥ Walhart (barfs)

Sully ♥ Frederick

Olivia ♥ Henry

Panne ♥ Donnel

Cherche ♥ Ricken

Nowi ♥ Virion

Cordelia ♥ Libra

Sumia ♥ Gaius

Tharja ♥ Vaike

Miriel ♥ Lon'qu

Maribelle ♥ Kellam

Lissa ♥ Stahl

[dire-emblem]

SARAH'S PAIRINGS

FMC ♥ Gangrel

Sully ♥ Frederick

Nowi ♥ Virion

Lissa ♥ Gregor

Cordelia ♥ Donnel

Olivia ♥ Vaike

Tharja ♥ Stahl

Miriel ♥ Henry

Panne ♥ Kellam

Sumia ♥ Gaius

Maribelle ♥ Lon'qu

Cherche ♥ Ricken

CHROM ♥ VILLAGE MAIDEN

CLICK HERE FOR WHY!

[dire-emblem]

WORST PAIRINGS POSSIBLE?

This is objective. All three of us chose differently, based on various factors: personal non-preference, class redundancy, stat nullification, visceral disgust, etc. Overall, we tried to stick to one main theme: we want the kids to be useless pieces of shit. And we still want to win.

Here's what we're planning.

[Sarah]

[Kate]

[Amanda]

[dire-emblem]

RULES OF THE GAME

  MINIMAL GRINDING. Level only enough to progress.

NEGLECT SKILLS. No rearranging. No reclassing for GF.

SHITTIEST CLASSES POSSIBLE. Ruin their potential.

WORST MU POSSIBLE. +LUK, -SPD. Optional: ugly.

WORST PAIRINGS POSSIBLE. Ruin their kids' potential.

LIMIT SEALS. Use only as necessary to continue skilling up and/or self-sabotage.

NO SKILL BOOSTERS. Do not roid out on Angelic Robes.

MUST COMPLETE EVERY PARALOGUE. Even the weird extra ones. Every supplemental character must be recruited.

VILLAGE MAIDEN CHROM. Neglect him until he has a child.

NO REFORGING. EXCEPTION: every weapon must given a new, stupid name.

NO DLC. The Outrealm is that shadowy place.

AVOID SPARKLIES. It's okay if you forget, but we'll be very disappointed.

OBTAIN CHILDREN ASAP. There's always night school.